Jealous of other peoples "normal" families

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mother is borderline and my father isn't much better at coping emotionally. She dropped me off at my father's when I was 11 and was basically done with me. I have been appreciative of other people's families and they're involvement in my life. But tackling hard memories and doing therapy makes me ragingly angry thinking of how jealous I am that I don't have the normal, day-to-day nice things that good parents do for my friends even in their late twenties.

I just had a flash of ridiculous anger that I stifled and which is now giving me a headache after my boyfriend casually dismissed his parent's concerns - he's so used to them trying to help him it annoys him.

I know it has nothing to do with him, but I just feel so jealous and angry it seriously makes my head ache.

Any body have any good tips on releasing that anger ? I rly don't want to take it out on him.

[skelly_bean]

My mother is borderline and my father isn't much better at coping emotionally. She dropped me off at my father's when I was 11 and was basically done with me. I have been appreciative of other people's families and they're involvement in my life. But tackling hard memories and doing therapy makes me ragingly angry thinking of how jealous I am that I don't have the normal, day-to-day nice things that good parents do for my friends even in their late twenties.

I just had a flash of ridiculous anger that I stifled and which is now giving me a headache after my boyfriend casually dismissed his parent's concerns - he's so used to them trying to help him it annoys him.

I know it has nothing to do with him, but I just feel so jealous and angry it seriously makes my head ache.

Any body have any good tips on releasing that anger ? I rly don't want to take it out on him.

[ScarletOlive]

Hey skelly_bean,

Good to have you here! I'm sorry for the tough memories and that your mother left you with your father.   That's really sad and must be tough to process. You're not alone here.  I have felt the same feelings of sadness and anger you are sharing. How much contact do you have with your parents now?

As far as anger tips, you can express it or distract yourself. Expressing is like when you journal, punch a pillow, exercise, make an art or craft piece, write a story or poem, go into an open field and scream, buy cheap dishes and break them, clean the house vigorously, or throw ice cubes in the shower. Distracting is like listening to music, taking a bath, smelling a scented candle, doing yoga, visualizing, deep breathing, whatever helps you relax or take a step back.

It also might help you to take a look at the Survivors Guide on the right sidebar. It's a really great place to start. Keep posting and sharing. I hope you'll tell your story soon. Sending much caring and support to you. 

[charred]

Excellent advice from ScarletOlive... .

Also would point out that I have been around a lot of families over the years (I am 50)... and find that maybe 1 in 10... would really give you reason to be envious. Most are less normal and well adjusted than you might think.  Dealing with your own hurt is the smart thing to do though.

Jobs are same way, you work somewhere and you think "I am working in the only place screwed up like this, I wish I was somewhere normal" and you assume most places are well run, reasonable, and better than where you are. I have been a consultant for 15 yrs now, and worked in over 40 companies... and only a couple were truly healthy in how most the people related.

All those pain in the neck people you knew in Jr. High and High School... they didn't get cured, they just got older.

If you are hurt by the thought of "normal" people... that is a lot of hurt, and you need to be good to yourself, see a T if you can.

[skelly_bean]

Thanks ScarletOlive and charred for your advice and thoughts. I think in this case I just need to release some anger. Those are great tips.

As for being angered by "normal" people, I have had the good luck to be surrounded by friends with healthy families, and I have always felt like "oh well" but seeing my psychotherapist has really released a lot of pent up sadness and anger about how it seemed that neither of my parents were actually interested in raising me.

I think it is true that at least in some cases, Borderline parents see their children as mostly an inconvenience and that's how I feel about my own mother. She always told us she never wanted children. I am just jealous that there are people out there who are treasured and taken care of, and who don't feel like they are just a mistake made by their parents.