What Do You See When You Return from NC?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've had two times in which I was NC with my uBPD mom.   The first time was on my terms and lasted about 3 months.   The second time was on her terms (I "vexed" her to the point that she decided she needed a break from me).  That time lasted 1 month. 

Both times after our NC term, our first conversation was tense and weird.   Both times I sensed the tension was coming from her, blaming me for the NC.   She managed too to make herself be mom-of-the-year for resuming contact and forgiving me for the NC time. 

What blows my mind is that my uBPD mom seemed to not be able to make it through a day without a call from me.   I wonder what she did during the time of NC?   I worried the enter time; a role of the parent as the child.   I wonder if she worried or just complained to her friends what a terrible daughter I was.   

[OnlyChild]

I've had two times in which I was NC with my uBPD mom.   The first time was on my terms and lasted about 3 months.   The second time was on her terms (I "vexed" her to the point that she decided she needed a break from me).  That time lasted 1 month. 

Both times after our NC term, our first conversation was tense and weird.   Both times I sensed the tension was coming from her, blaming me for the NC.   She managed too to make herself be mom-of-the-year for resuming contact and forgiving me for the NC time. 

What blows my mind is that my uBPD mom seemed to not be able to make it through a day without a call from me.   I wonder what she did during the time of NC?   I worried the enter time; a role of the parent as the child.   I wonder if she worried or just complained to her friends what a terrible daughter I was.   

[NonBPDaughter]

Hi OnlyChild. I noticed from your last post we are in very similar situations. I cant even begin to wrap my head around how my mother must feel. I know that she is raging/depressed/punishing/manic etc etc as i can see it, but i wonder how it feels for her. I often think, why dont you get help, surely you cant enjoy being this depressed. But who knows what they see/feel/do. Ive just been in a rage period with her. Right in the middle i asked my sister if she had heard from her; and she said ":yes, its weird she seems completely fine"! How can you be hysterical in one phone call, and completely calm in another.

Your mother isnt worried, she cant recognise shes done anything wrong. If shes anything like mine, she naturally wont even enter her mind that she may have caused the no contact. Her thought pattern if you resume contact will be that SHE is being the bigger person by resuming contact with the wrong doer.

I've had two times in which I was NC with my uBPD mom.   The first time was on my terms and lasted about 3 months.   The second time was on her terms (I "vexed" her to the point that she decided she needed a break from me).  That time lasted 1 month. 

Both times after our NC term, our first conversation was tense and weird.   Both times I sensed the tension was coming from her, blaming me for the NC.   She managed too to make herself be mom-of-the-year for resuming contact and forgiving me for the NC time. 

What blows my mind is that my uBPD mom seemed to not be able to make it through a day without a call from me.   I wonder what she did during the time of NC?   I worried the enter time; a role of the parent as the child.   I wonder if she worried or just complained to her friends what a terrible daughter I was.   

[/quote What blows my mind is that my uBPD mom seemed to not be able to make it through a day without a call from me.]

Trust me, they will manage somehow. They did before we were born! I know its sounds so blunt, but its true. We think they cant due to years of us taking the rescuer role.

Just keep working on yourself. Are you seeing anyone for some therapy? Ive found it literally life changing. I see someone once a week, and its been a great help. Big hugs and good luck x

[Clearmind]

OnlyChild, NC prior to controlled contact allowed to me to decide how much contact I wanted. My father would, prior to NC contact me 3 times a day. This is excessive and you may need to set a boundary there.

Calling that much and you are both setting yourselves up for an enmeshed relationship and increased drama.

How can you handle this?

[OnlyChild]

NonBPDdaugher,

I really appreciate your perspective.   I do not have siblings, so I lacked the advantage of the comparison stories.    I guess it makes sense that the same BPDmom could be wickedly upset in one call and super fine in the next.   It shouldn't make sense, but it does.

I do have a therapist, but are just starting to work on the mom-issues.    This has been a battle for years for me with my relationship with her and how my relationship with her has caused damage in every relationship I've had.   I think the best way to describe is that I was emotionally married to my mother and that codependence or crazy loyalty was an undertow in every relationship I formed be it friends or romantic interests.   There were may supportive people along they way who gave gentle feedback, but I denied it all.    As terrible as this might sound, at the end of this month my mom will have been gone for a year (she passed away).   I am just now starting to take my freedom. 

[Clearmind]

That is wonderful you are seeing a therapist (T).

We certainly become accustomed to be 'loyal' - it was prescribed of us as children - support our parents no matter what, do exactly what they say.

I hadn't realized she passed away. Has the legacy growing up in a BPD household impacted other aspects of your life?