Well she called again And I answered...

[rockhardabsman]

So we are month and a half since I kicked her out of my house. She tried calling me several times 2 weeks ago to which I ignored. Also found out from a friend she had been posting status updates indicating she missed me without mentioning me directly.

I wasn't expecting her call tonight but my phone rang a couple times and I answered it.

She started out asking me how I was doing, I was generally upbeat. She said her life is going really great (this i know is a lie... . she's been arrested, felony probations being violated, back to drugs and alcohol) Then she told me she was just calling because she wanted to hear my voice and make sure I was okay. She said she wanted to say sorry to me, said it wasn't right for her to be talking to those men on the phone, and I did warn her. Admitted that re-adding all the men on facebook helped destroy our relationship and she should have just deleted her facebook. Said it wasn't right of her accusing me of cheating all the time, because I did tell her that I was working a lot. She said she had been cheated on so many times in the past and it's hard for her to stop thinking that it's happening again if its not.

She then said she missed me and started crying, and said it a couple times. I just responded to her by saying, if that's true then prove it. She stopped crying and giggled a little bit for some reason. Then she asked when I was going to come by and pick up my motorcycle. I told her I didn't have time yet... . she kept pressing about it. I told her I'll get it when I get it, she said "well I saw through my sisters facebook you just got 3 more, you should be able to get it" --- AHA! She's been checking up on me through her sister. She finally just said, well I'll be here when you decide to come get it, best believe it.

Then there was a little deflection near the end saying some stuff about how I just need a good ladie, and she needs a good man. Not that I'm not a good man and that we weren't prepared to live together  right after her rehab. And she said "see how we are talking right now is good" and how when I find my next girlfriend I should talk to her like I'm doing now. I just told her I'm not going to talk about anything deep on the phone and if she misses me and wants to talk more then prove it to me. Somewhere in the conversation she called me "honey", don't remember where.

She ended the phone call saying that she was just calling because she wanted to hear my voice again and said "I love you". I regret responding "I love you too <name>", not that I don't it's just I gave her validation and  I didn't feel it was the right time to do so.

Anyway, despite all the attention she's getting from other men, I've been the only real one in her life, at least with true intentions. I've completely ignored her up until now, and have made no attempts at contacting her. Does this look like an attempt at trying to re-engage with me? I mean I wouldn't mind getting back together, I would continue to enforce my strong boundaries, and ONLY if she agrees to a few things.

[rockhardabsman]

I'll also add that I hardly said anything on the phone, I just let her talk. So it was about 90% her and 10% me. And I didn't inquire ANYTHING about her life at all.

[DragoN]

Does this look like an attempt at trying to re-engage with me?

Does look that way doesn't it.

But... . do you really need the roller coaster ride is more the question?

[rockhardabsman]

Does this look like an attempt at trying to re-engage with me?

Does look that way doesn't it.

But... . do you really need the roller coaster ride is more the question?

The roller coaster wasn't a big deal to me, I have pretty strong boundaries and never put up with it. Probably why again she is apologizing to me, one because I enforced them, and two because I don't break and grovel like all her other pathetic meth addict boyfriends of the past did.

The only reason I'm skeptical about this being a prelude to a recycle is during the conversation she vacillated between wanting to hear my voice, and crying saying she missed me, to talking about how I need a nice lady, and she needs a nice man (then saying not that I'm not one), and talking about "in your next relationship you should... . " then back to saying I miss you, and just wanted to hear my voice, called me honey and ended it with "I love you rockhardabsman"... . So that's the only thing confusing me.

[DragoN]

Bait. Waiting for you to bite.

My interpretation of it.

[GreenMango]

She's gauging your emotional attachment.  If she has BPD she's not going to know what to do... . she's doing whatever she thinks you want but doesn't know what you want is.  Asking her to prove it is probably making this little game more confusing.

Just a thought what's a person with BPD and a meth addiction going to be able to prove to you?

Its a serious question because these are serious issues.  It's your life take this seriously.

The other thing - isn't there someone who is a healthier choice? Why her?

[rockhardabsman]

She's gauging your emotional attachment.  If she has BPD she's not going to know what to do... . she's doing whatever she thinks you want but doesn't know what you want is.  Asking her to prove it is probably making this little game more confusing.

Just a thought what's a person with BPD and a meth addiction going to be able to prove to you?

Its a serious question because these are serious issues.  It's your life take this seriously.

The other thing - isn't there someone who is a healthier choice? Why her?

Okay I get that she is gauging me. It makes sense what with her trying to contact me two weeks ago, and posting status updates about how she misses living her and wishes she never had to leave, and thinking about that "special" someone but too "lazy" to do anything about it and recalling me a few times last night again.

She brought up my motorcycle again last night but it was a fraction of the conversation, and I know she's only bringing it up because she wants me to come by. But I am at the point where I want HER to make the effort.

While she did cry and said she missed me several times, said she just wanted to hear my voice and know I was okay, dropped a term of endearment, and ended with I love you... . Should I be expecting this to progress, in which case I'll be moving to staying.

I know one thing, she WAS just notified about her probation being violated a couple days ago, so it may be subconsciously her NEED to stay sober and she knows I'm the only guy that offered it, and went to great lengths to do it. Are they serious issues? Of course I've not been ignorant to them at all. I met her as an addict, got her to clean up her life, and she relapsed after 5 1/2 months clean time when I dumped her and kicked her out. I can see it as her trying to cope and self sooth with the loss of me. Oddly enough since the probation violation she's been warding off all the other men orbiting around her too that really are just using her.

Why her? I myself still have an attachment to her, even though I have been no contact and doing everything to distract myself from the reality of the situation I still have a bond. I've dated a few women over the past month, it's not like I'm stuck on her, but the attachment is still strong. She does have a very beautiful side to her, and SHOULD she actually want therapy, I wouldn't mind riding out the bad times. I've stuck pretty hard to my boundaries in the past so it hasn't been too stressful for me.

So just your opinions here, what should I reasonably expect to happen now? 

[GreenMango]

Most treatment for BPD needs sobriety or concurrent sobriety treatment.  If she's not in treatment realistically expect more chaos.  More indecision, self medicating, and impulsive actions that lead to things like probation violations - if she's in therapy expect that this will take a long time.  Years to get to stability.

It may help you to consider going to Alanon if you want her in your life.  It will help her too so you don't enable.

Do you have a therapist or go to meetings?

[rockhardabsman]

Most treatment for BPD needs sobriety or concurrent sobriety treatment.  If she's not in treatment realistically expect more chaos.  More indecision, self medicating, and impulsive actions that lead to things like probation violations - if she's in therapy expect that this will take a long time.  Years to get to stability.

It may help you to consider going to Alanon if you want her in your life.  It will help her too so you don't enable.

Do you have a therapist or go to meetings?

I've actually been going to al-anon, I was pretty good about not enabling her addictions. I do not have a therapist at the moment, went through therapy for years though when I was younger.

[mikewbpdwife]

She gonna keep cycle her emotional feelings onto you, projecting her feelings of lost love onto you. If you gonna come back to her without valid boundaries you will be lost, in the way like 'I knew that SOB loves me.' Its true... . They and their crazy thoughts.

[blecker]

Sounds like you need the staying board Rock.

That board may be able to sharpen the skills you need to manage this relationship.

I do know that unless she is clean and sober only hell awaits you.

My best to you. 

[rockhardabsman]

Sounds like you need the staying board Rock.

That board may be able to sharpen the skills you need to manage this relationship.

I do know that unless she is clean and sober only hell awaits you.

My best to you. 

I agree with both points, I think she is trying again to make a go at sobriety because she scared straight after picking up several probation violations right out the gate from rehab. Honestly I think she is going to get some jail time when she goes to her hearing at the end of this month. It may be partially what's motivating her to reach out to me because she knows I meant well and worked hard with her to achieve sobriety.

She certainly wont get that with her "friends" nor living back at home with her family which is an alcoholic drug addicted environment.

We'll see how it goes. I'm sure with the way she carried the conversation and all the terms of endearment it's not the last I've heard from her. I just got to remember to continue and stay strong and be that rock of a person I've been this whole past 1 1/2 years.

[hithere]

and ONLY if she agrees to a few things.

You said prove it a bunch of times... .   I remember saying that a lot before she sucked me back in after our first split.  She was able to stay 'changed' for a few weeks but then things went back to bad and then worse.

I wish I could make the decision for you, that you should move on, get therapy and never speak to her again.  But it sounds like you are not ready yet.  I hope things work out for you.

[rockhardabsman]

At least I know one thing... .   I'm not split black right now.

[GreenMango]

Rock it's a really good time to get some solid advice from seasoned stayers about where the relationship is at and how to proceed considering all the facts you have at hand.

It's understandable you care about her and would like to try is the situation was different.  Look at the lessons on Staying and ask how to handle this going forward as to start out on the good foot.