My relationship has transformed me into a monster

[vcat]

My 1.5 year relationship with my unBPDgf has changed me in many significant ways.  To summarize I have adopted many BPD like traits myself, though I know I do not have BPD because my previous relationships have been relatively very "normal" for lack of a better word.  Now, though, I find I have become insecure, needy, verbally abusive, controlling and even rage alot.  I feel completely hopeless and trapped, a mere shadow of my former self.  I'm depressed and have constant bouts of anxiety, paranoia, loneliness, and loss of self respect and self esteem.  I find that my unBPDgf will only "settle down" from one of her drama fits if I do one of 2 things... . get very angry or threaten to leave.  This has conditioned me to erupt and rage... . ironically.

I love her to death because the first 6 months with her were some of the most memorable and love-filled moments in my life.  I remember thanking the gods for bringing this sweet wonderful woman into my life.  She used to stare into my soul with the most genuine look of complete adoration - making me and my ego feel like a million bucks.  But I found out, to my utter shock, she had been having inappropriate contact with several men spanning several months.  She has an insatiable sexual appetite - which exacerbated my fears.   I found out by accident... . she was sexting exBF's, and in contact with others secretly behind my back, and meeting them and doing favors for them and... . the scariest part of all... . the unknown "what else?".  Naturally I became suspicious, and after some more vigilance and monitoring... . slowly more and more indiscretions arose... . she would always lie and deflect to the very end, admitting only the minimum (that which I had proof of).  Long story short eventually I asked to see her phone records or else I would leave.  She was desperate so she produced them... . and well that's when I found out everything.  She prettied up the story saying she was meeting all of them to get advice on our relationship... . BS!  The most disturbing part was it was so out of the blue.  The whole time she had been lavishing me with the most love and affection I had ever had... . declaring that I was the only man in her life... . but she MEANT IT... . and someone who can lie and betray at the drop of a hat whilst meaning those things was not in my realm of comprehension.  That and the whole history of constant drama, jealousy (on her part), cycling, etc... . led me to google and thus to BPD... of which I am 100% sure she has.

So I packed my bags and was going to leave the city... well she lured me back.  Now our relationship is hell and both she and I are victims.  I will abuse her (never physically) in order to end her fits of drama - logic DOES NOT WORK.  I Check her phone, her phone records (I demanded her phone web account login), interrogate her, etc. She is slowly turning me more dark - worse and worse.  I'm completely hopeless because the future seems extremely dark and I don't know if I have the courage to do what it takes to move on permanently and begin healing (I would have to throw away my phone and move- she is that aggressive).  We still love each other, and our intermittent happy moments are still bliss.  I am also ashamed of my behavior... . and concerned for her.  Rationally I want to breakup... . but she keeps saying all the right things to get me back... . she knows what I want to hear... . each and every time.  She will even do anything i say.

I just wanted to share my story.  I have literally no one in my life who I can relate to.  Thanks for any input, suggestions, comments, criticisms.

[DragoN]

But I found out, to my utter shock, she had been having inappropriate contact with several men spanning several months.  She has an insatiable sexual appetite - which exacerbated my fears.   I found out by accident... . she was sexting exBF's, and in contact with others secretly behind my back, and meeting them and doing favors for them and... . the scariest part of all... . the unknown "what else?".  Naturally I became suspicious, and after some more vigilance and monitoring... . slowly more and more indiscretions arose... . she would always lie and deflect to the very end, admitting only the minimum (that which I had proof of).  Long story short eventually I asked to see her phone records or else I would leave.  She was desperate so she produced them... . and well that's when I found out everything.  She prettied up the story saying she was meeting all of them to get advice on our relationship... . BS!  The most disturbing part was it was so out of the blue.  The whole time she had been lavishing me with the most love and affection I had ever had... . declaring that I was the only man in her life... . but she MEANT IT... . and someone who can lie and betray at the drop of a hat whilst meaning those things was not in my realm of comprehension.  That and the whole history of constant drama, jealousy (on her part), cycling, etc... . led me to google and thus to BPD... of which I am 100% sure she has.

Doesn't read much like "love' in reality does it? You loving her, yes.

The other way around? No.

Learn what you can of BPD and decide if that is what you would like to see the rest of your life looking like as you go forward.

We still love each other, and our intermittent happy moments are still bliss.

That's the drug.

It isn't real.

[vcat]

Learn what you can of BPD and decide if that is what you would like to see the rest of your life looking like as you go forward.

Thanks, I definately intend to.  I've been scouring the net.  Downloaded the book "walking on eggshells" and am almost finished it.  Lots to take in... . will have to reread it.  Any book suggestions?

Interesting twist:  she snooped on my web browser history (this had been regular behavior on her part) and discovered my BPD queries.  I vowed never to lie to her... . so I told her yes I think she has BPD.  This was just yesterday.  So far this is the new thing to be dramatic about... . understandably this time.  Right now I'm using Chrome incognito... . I'm going to just take that nugget of privacy.

[KE151]

Vcat, sounds like a terrible situation you're in.

And seems identical to my own BPD experience. Cheating is typical, rages are typical, threats and manipulation are typical. I too started to behave badly, just like you describe. BPD or not, this person doesn't seem like a good prospect for your future. This r/s is bringing the worst out of you. And it will not improve, trust me. You seem to be in a situation where trust has evaporated and it's been replaced by fear, suspicion and anxiety. My advice is to get out as rapidly as you can, and seek professional help to aid you through this. I was told the same advice but chose to ignore it out of hope, despair, fear. I too was in "love" and the good memories are a powerful distraction from reality. I have later realized that the person I was in love with was an illusion I wanted to have and which she created for me to fall in love with. The real person is the one that makes you rage and anxious. Do people behave like you described out of love? I don't think so.

I finally had to save myself and get away. I'm now 14 mos out and 13 NC. I still think about her everyday but it's getting better, slowly. I did the recycle many many times. Each one is more painful than the ones before. Rages and cheating get worse every time. Escape really is the only way, as soon as you can and are able to do it.

There are so many identical stories on this board... . get out, and look after yourself!

[jrx]

Hi vcat, I'm basically at the same stage in handling BPD. Logic really doesn't work. And like you, I'm at the point where the best defense is a good offense. I definitely have lower self-esteem and self-respect. Part of that is the guilt that I've been devolving into rage as my first reaction. Part of that is hearing everyday that I'm a bad person. At this point, I don't have the energy or desire to be the bigger person. I wish I were qualified to give you suggestions. What I can offer you is empathy.

[vcat]

My advice is to get out as rapidly as you can... .

... . Escape really is the only way, as soon as you can and are able to do it.

I know isn't it so obvious?  It is... . after re-reading my post i felt like responding to myself and posting, "run away and don't look back!"  Except ofcourse it isn't.  On a few of our longer breakups... . I would wake up in the morning with this intense feeling of emptiness... missing her, craving her... . hoping she would call... . she ALWAYS did.  Am I weak?  I have been. Deep down inside though I know this will end soon.  How many more rides on the rollercoaster do I want to take before leaving the park.  The park never closes.

I have later realized that the person I was in love with was an illusion I wanted to have and which she created for me to fall in love with. The real person is the one that makes you rage and anxious.

I thought about this.  Its one thing that is extremely distressing.  Because if it was all an illusion that is a TREMENDOUS loss.  I CHERISH those moments.  They are ingrained in my emotional core.

Thanks for your insight and comments... . much appreciated.

[vcat]

What I can offer you is empathy.

Thanks man, same to you. 

[KE151]

Vcat, regarding the illusion:

Believe me I know, it feels utterly gutting, like a total deception, which in a way it is. I'm sure your love is/was real, but the object... . it's an image of your desires, dreams and needs that she has developed. I'm still working on comprehending this fully myself.

[SheChangedMe]

I have been married to an unBPDw for over 20 years.  We have 2 late teen children.  To put it simply it has been hell.  Do yourself a great service and walk away with no contact ever again.  You will be shocked how quickly the clouds will part and the sun will shine again. I cannot get out of situation due to the complexities of having a family.

You have the ability to walk away.  Go through the healing process and get on with a happier existence.  I know its easy for me to say these things, but trust me when I say that this rarely gets better.  When you finally walk away the next time, leave completely.  Never talked to her again. 

My small opinion from someone who has been there and lives with it still.

[Louise7777]

I agree with SheChangedMe. Run and never look back! Seems to me your gf is a textbook case: they flatter people to get what they want from them. Thats why the relationship was heaven at first. Until you saw her true colours. My advice: run for your mental health and never look back!

[connect]

Hi vcat,

I am new to this board and BPD - like you I have always had normal stable, drama free r/s's before. My BPDbf tells me that I am the drama queen. A year of this (first part great, recently not so good due to another woman circling who is being allowed in by him) and I also feel as though it has changed me. My advice is to keep on the boards and keep reading - it helps me so much. The more you read the less personal this all feels.

Remember who you were before all this - My sympathies for your situation 

[DragoN]

shechangedme 

I have been married to an unBPDw for over 20 years.  We have 2 late teen children.  To put it simply it has been hell. Do yourself a great service and walk away with no contact ever again.  You will be shocked how quickly the clouds will part and the sun will shine again. I cannot get out of situation due to the complexities of having a family.

You have the ability to walk away.  Go through the healing process and get on with a happier existence.  I know its easy for me to say these things, but trust me when I say that this rarely gets better.  When you finally walk away the next time, leave completely.  Never talked to her again.

My small opinion from someone who has been there and lives with it still.

Thank you.

And, I sincerely hope you will find a way out to peace.

Vcat, please heed shechangedme's words. I read those words myself many years ago, and was full of the belief, that I could make it work. Mission Impossible. I'd have a better chance in the movie than I do IRL with my uBPDH.

I have read those same words from many others, the long term stayers, it's bad. To dead. Nothing. It's tragic.

She will even do anything i say.

Only to get you back... . but the follow through will be non existent. This I can personally attest to.

[nenito]

Been there about the becoming a monster yourself. What this drives you to do and act like is insane. The worst is that once you are so deep into it, she then has several examples about how you are no better than her, but deep down you know that is not your true self. With my children I sometimes loose it and scream at them, like she would. In my case I realize I tell them off so that she does not get upset. That is horrible and unfair. So... . if you do not have children, I would say leave. Today I have been angry at myself all day for example. Wife has been on meds for almost a month. Mood regulators seem to work a little. She is in the process of getting personality tested, but I have already told her I think she is BPD and have tried to have her read about it. The first doctor that saw her also is tending to agree with me on the BPD, but the tests are not complete by the other specialist in charge of that. Even if you get her to get help, I stick to having an exit plan prepared anyway for when you need it.