Dilemma

[Mightyhammers]

This weekend means its been a month since I last saw her on that train on her way home ( things were ok at this point, if I knew it was the last time I was gonna see her I would probably have made her stay another night - wheres my Delorean? ), and since then she drew a line under our relationship.

Now - its her birthday in a week and a half and although she was ADAMENT that she didnt want a fuss made over her birthday ( another argument we had ), I was thinking of sending some flowers to her workplace with just a small note so she would know who they were from ( actually she probably would anyway as no one has ever bought her flowers in her life apart from me and her brother, the first time I sent flowers to her work she was gushing like a fountain ).

Even though we havent spoken in a few weeks I just have this feeling that if I dont get in touch with her somehow on her birthday something is going to be said, I dont know. I guess I just want to send them to say theres no hard feelings but if I do I have absolutely no idea what her reaction will be.

Any advice? anyone else done the same sort of thing after a while of NC?

[mango_flower]

I don't know enough about your relationship to know really... .

Do you have any posts you can point me to for a bit of back-reading?

Are you 100% sure it's over? If so, flowers may not be the best choice... . if you're staying friends, then maybe a different gift? x

[Mightyhammers]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=197610.0

here you go, be warned its long!

and no we wont be friends I dont think, too much has gone on

[Clearmind]

Mighty, what is the reason you are wanting to send flowers? Is it a peace offering? Will it help you to move forward?

Whats the dilemma?

[Mightyhammers]

Mighty, what is the reason you are wanting to send flowers? Is it a peace offering? Will it help you to move forward?

Yeah I guess so, just to say there are no hard feelings? And like I said I just have a feeling that she will say something if I dont at least send her a message on her birthday. The NC thing so far hasnt been so bad from my end at least ( she sent me a message asking her to send her drivers licence which was in my wallet, I ignored the message but sent it anyway. Couple of days later 'Thanks for sending it. Wont hear from me again', and that was a while ago )... .

[mango_flower]

Read your story!

Tricky one.  I know you don't want any drama, which is why you're thinking of sending her something, but depending on how things have settled now (you say you haven't spoken to her in a few weeks) then it may be best not to open up a can of worms?

What if something IS said?  What does that mean for you?  I know for me, I was scared of doing the wrong thing/ignoring her at first because I just wanted an easy life.

But the fact she doesn't live near you and you won't have to bump into her, I'd honestly say not to bother with flowers etc... . it may just actually cause her to get back in touch - is that what you want? I couldn't really tell from your post, sorry if I'm misinterpreting.  

[Mightyhammers]

But the fact she doesn't live near you and you won't have to bump into her, I'd honestly say not to bother with flowers etc... . it may just actually cause her to get back in touch - is that what you want? I couldn't really tell from your post, sorry if I'm misinterpreting.  

no problem, yeah I just want to gauge her reaction really - I mean I would love to see her again but obviously because of what I know now it would be on a completely different level but then again would I really want to go through another 5 month roller coaster? and this is presuming she would want to anyway?

I think Im just really missing her is all

[laelle]

But the fact she doesn't live near you and you won't have to bump into her, I'd honestly say not to bother with flowers etc... . it may just actually cause her to get back in touch - is that what you want? I couldn't really tell from your post, sorry if I'm misinterpreting.  

no problem, yeah I just want to gauge her reaction really - I mean I would love to see her again but obviously because of what I know now it would be on a completely different level but then again would I really want to go through another 5 month roller coaster? and this is presuming she would want to anyway?

I think Im just really missing her is all

As you said earlier you were the only person who has had a intimate relationship with her to give her flowers, so do you feel that giving her flowers will put you "above the rest?" "put you back into idealization mode?", or maybe even show her what she is missing?  Those are all valid feelings, I know we all feel them, but look at the can of whoop ass you could be opening up.  You have worked so hard to try to grieve and move on.  Its this going to help you do that?

I really do empathize with you on the NC thing.  Its easier for me.  I told him I loved him and would always be here for him, but not in a relationship.  I left that door open, but I KNOW I am done.  I KNOW why I am done.  I KNOW it will never work.   He chooses not to contact me, and it alleviates any guilt or obligation on my part.

[laelle]

I think I will buy me a gift on his birthday. 

[Mightyhammers]

As you said earlier you were the only person who has had a intimate relationship with her to give her flowers, so do you feel that giving her flowers will put you "above the rest?" "put you back into idealization mode?", or maybe even show her what she is missing?  Those are all valid feelings, I know we all feel them, but look at the can of whoop ass you could be opening up.  You have worked so hard to try to grieve and move on.  Its this going to help you do that?

I think if I did send them, yeah it would show her what she is missing - would it put me back into idealization mode? I doubt it. Im swinging towards sending them right now as if I dont send them I guess Ill never know! I think if I did send them after having NC for a good few weeks it would REALLY throw her

[Mightyhammers]

I think I will buy me a gift on his birthday. 

hahahahahaha thats a good call

[laelle]

I speak from experience.  Send her a card, a plant, a gift certificate.  Anything else and you ARE showing her you want something more with her.

She can take that two ways.  One, not care or two,try to recycle you again. You know flowers to her would be an intimate gift and at the same time your not wanting an intimate relationship, isnt that giving mixed signals?  She may be screwed in the head but she still has feelings.

[Mightyhammers]

I speak from experience.  Send her a card, a plant, a gift certificate.  Anything else and you ARE showing her you want something more with her.

what happened when you did it?

[laelle]

I was stuck in a situation where wanting to make someone happy clashed with my ability to continue a relationship that wasnt really working for me.

I recycled again because I had no choice really. I started it all by trying to test the water... . which is what your wanting to do.  

[charred]

Give yourself a gift... maybe T sessions?

Sending flowers says you are wanting to continue the madness. What happens, you recycle if they don't have a better choice at the moment... might sound good, but in my experience, every recycle was worse than one before... each time I rationalized with "how bad could it be"... and thought that I would at least have great sex again... I was wrong.

Very wrong, like I underestimated the negative consequences of going back by at least a factor of 10x.

I have left my home, my friends, my family, lost a going business, considered taking my life or killing someone over her... then later got a divorce, (losing the family I made after being apart from her for years)... lost a great job, and in the divorce I lost 1/2 of everything I had built up over my career... . and now my exBPDgf managed to burn the bridges to me reconciling with my exwife... so... seriously, if you are out, count your blessings, get help dealing with it and move one if you possibly can.

[laelle]

Yeah, each recycle you give them more ammunition to use against you.  

I heard the same things that came out of my mouth a year ago (when I apologized or realized something I was mistaken about) come out of his mouth as if he was the prosecutor in a new trial 2 weeks ago.  This was one of his big mistakes because I just wasnt buying it.  No guilt reaction as was expected.

My ex and I beat our heads against a wall for 3 years trying to have a relationship with eachother.  At the end of those three years, I have gained nothing but lost three years.  So has he.  Why would you want to keep beating your head against that wall?

[Clearmind]

Mighty, what is the reason you are wanting to send flowers? Is it a peace offering? Will it help you to move forward?

Yeah I guess so, just to say there are no hard feelings? And like I said I just have a feeling that she will say something if I dont at least send her a message on her birthday. The NC thing so far hasnt been so bad from my end at least ( she sent me a message asking her to send her drivers licence which was in my wallet, I ignored the message but sent it anyway. Couple of days later 'Thanks for sending it. Wont hear from me again', and that was a while ago )... .

Mighty, we each have expectations of what gestures like this mean. You may want to reach out to her to say "No hard feelings" or you may want to reach out to relieve yourself of some guilt.

She may see it differently to you - if you don't get the reaction you want will you feel even more invalidated?

Be mindful of expectations - they differ for everyone and things don't always turn out the way you want.

[Vatz]

Bro, save your money, time and pain. This person ain't worth it.

Even if it was a "normal" person, you are broken up for a reason. Don't send flowers, don't send anything. Trust me dude, people like them are just too darn good at sucking you in. It's like freakin' magic, and (Disclaimer: What I'm about to say is EXTREMELY NERDY) I myself, have kind of a poor willpower saving throw, so charm spells are particularly nasty for me  .

Anywho, like many of the people here already said, she will probably interpret this as a sign that you still have feelings for her and she will try to keep you around.

Borderlines can't handle being alone. They need constant attention, but unfortunately it doesn't matter from who. Also, what if she's already dating a guy? Her getting flowers from an ex, and he finds out? It won't be a pleasant picture. If he's one of those angry dudes, then whatever he'll probably just dump her. But what if he's actually a sweet and caring guy? One of those sensitive types. He finds something like that, it might mess him up bad.

You don't want to get involved in any of that. Just buy something nice for yourself, or better yet, save that money to someday buy flowers for someone who actually deserves them from you.

[Mightyhammers]

so in summary, everyone thinks that I should then?

[Mightyhammers]

Right the day is approaching, and Im still undecided about what to do - I know everyone is against the idea but in all honesty I just wanted to see what her reaction is ( which I would not respond to either way )... .  

[Clearmind]

MH, you need to do what you ultimately want to do. You also need to be mindful of what may or may not happen.