having no feelings.

[mitchell16]

I often feel like im venting to much on these boards for that I apoligize. I dont have anybody to discuss my feeling with and the people that I do would look at me like I was crazy because they can not comprehend whats has went on with this relationship. I dont think the average person can relate at all.

Its been 4 weeks since the break up and me going nc. my exBPD had made attempts to engage me, for what I dont know. her venting, recycleing, trying to keep me from moving on. I dont know and It really dont matter, because I have seen this play one to many times with her in two years. The cycles have been crazy and I played the game with her. Only it wasnt a game to me. she didnt hold a gun to me and make me stay. I made that choice even when I learned about BPD I still thought it could work. When she agreed to go to therapy it was like a miracle. I shoudl have seen a red flag with that. since she told me once she and her ex husdand went to therapy and she quit becasue her turned the therapist against her. Huge red flag. BUt of course like many I read about. I thought I was the one and during the idolization phase she convinced me I was the one. So why would I not beleive it? In the last 4 weeks I reconnected with a lady I dated very briefley 20 years ago. Its was just a few outings then and it was more or less a fling. we went our seperate ways, no contact for 20 years. she is wanting to continue where we left off. we went out the past week about 4 or 5 times. Nothing special, few drinks and a meal. I explained with very briefness that i was just coming out of a relationship and was looking for anything heavy at the moment just hanging out and seeing where it goes. But what is confusinging me is Im not the least bit excited. she s offering sex and IM very sexual person and Im not interested. I cna take her our leave her. she likes making every effort to be with me and I can careless. Shes very pretty, good body, makes a great living. Over the top personlaity. does not have whole lot of bagagge. I know its way to soon to jump into a relationship. BUt normally I would be way ready for sex and  would be thrilled to be trying to date this person. BUt right now I have no emotions toward her. Has enybody else dealt with this? what is wrong with me.

[igiveup]

IMHO there's nothing wrong with you at all.  You're clearly just not ready at this time to be involved, and that's okay.  I also just ended a 4 yr relationship/1 year engagement 3 weeks ago and there's no way in hell I can even think about getting involved with anyone on ANY level right now.  After all that the last few years has taken out of me, I've got nothing to give.  You're probably in a similar place.  The tank is empty .    From what I've been reading, and also from really, really looking at my own part of this mess, now is the time to focus on ourselves and understand what it is about us that we signed up for the ride, even with all the red flags waving like mad.  Embrace the peace and calm in your life.

[laelle]

4 weeks is probably still too early for you.  I think its extremely admirable that you are honest with this woman about where you are right now emotionally concerning relationships.  After one of my break ups, I dated a guy shortly too.  I felt I was going through the motions to in some way to show I was over my ex, and I clearly wasnt.  I wanted to care about him, but I couldnt.  I thought too much about my ex.

[JonnyJon42]

4 Weeks for most is way to soon.

Im about a month out from the last and finale break up and already had a offer but like you have very little want to go out plus she is not 100% right and ive seen some red flags.

Just take it slow if she really wants to be with you then she will be willing to take it slow.

[mitchell16]

I knew 4 weeks would be way to soon to start a relationship but I really figured I would be ready for caual dating and would be atleast interested in sex. But i did see this lady a few times during the weekend and she is really starting growing on me. I do miss the fireworks from the fist dat with exBPDgf. I mean from the start is was excitment and pssion. But what is nice with the other lady is at the end of the night Im not worried about being raged at or accused of something that I didnt do or have a clue about and she acts like she really wants to be with me. Instead of Like im imposing on her time to be with her. It is a relief. Im still missing the ex and she still ways very heavy on my mind. I still love her and miss but im ready for something Normal. I have hda those before I know the diffrence.

[lockedout]

There's nothing wrong with you. I've been out for three months and I'm still not ready for anything more than casual dating. If this girl from 20 years ago truly cares, she'll be able to wait until you're ready. If she can't respect that and wait there are plenty of others.

Also don't aplogize for venting. Unlike being with your BPD ex you can speak your mind now without repercussions. That's what these threads are here for especially because you are right about something along the same line: the average person cannot comprehend what happened.

[mitchell16]

 lockedout, thanks. I just feel at times Im starting to sound like a broke record. over and over. and I have tried to talk to my freinds and they look at me like im crazy for staying or that Im making up all these things that she did. and it their miinds that if she did all thsi stuff why would I stay and have trouble moving on. and they are right. I can not still get my mind around why I stayed for so long and why Im still mourning the loss. why I cnat move on 100 percent. Why I still think about her so much. Why, I cant get interested in another women. I have a very nice lady, who looks great, has a good job, children are grown and it very interested in me and im emotionally dead right now. Just dont make sense to me so I dont it make sense to anyone else. These boards help me so much. when I found them it was light in a dark tunnel. It just clicked on. at that time I was balming myself and starting to beleive all these thing she said about me was true. I really thought I was doing all this stuff and I felt terrible about myself.

[healingmyheart]

You most definitely are still grieving the loss of your ex BPD.  I'm also just over 4 weeks out and I have no desire for any other guys in my life and absolutely no sexual desires either at the present time.  

I still want my ex BPD because like most of us, I reflect back to the idolization stage and so want to have that back.  

I still love him and miss him.

He just tried to recycle me and I started to get caught up in it.  We'd been doing NC to LC and he texted me that he was going to counseling.  Well, I was so glad to hear that he was going that the conversations started.  He asked if he could be my friend.  Next thing I know, he's standing at my door with presents.  I allowed him in per his request and I allowed him to kiss me.  I asked him to stop and after he left, I knew that his request for friendship was just his way of trying to get his foot in the door.  He knows I still care for him and I am weak.  I cannot allow that to happen again.  

Mitchell... .   be patient with yourself.  My counselor says it could take up to a year to heal.  In the meantime, take the time for you and this women to become good friends.  As you start waking up from the trance that your ex BPD placed on you, you will start feeling again and maybe your desires for this women will be realized.  

[mitchell16]

Im doing my best to keep it just as freinds and see if it devolops into more. Of course seh pretends to understand this but quickly up the ante to make it more. BUt i have explained to her very nicely that Im just lost. I feel like I have been threw emotional war for two years. I gave and gave and i beleived in someone who just played with my emotions. I dont think she did it on purpose but still feel shell shocked.

My heart grieves for my exBPD. I miss her for her. I miss what we could have had togther. I never beleived that I could cure her or fix her but I do beleive I would have been supportive and remain with her through her struggle to get herself better. But i was never gave the chance. I feel that lose.

as far the lady. I feel guilt for even attempting to see her. But how do I move on and start putting pieces back togther if I dont get out date, make new friends, try to meet people. doesnt mean Im not grieving. But in the past during our other break ups. I sat home, didnt go around freinds, didnt try to date, I was just plain misrable. I dont kow how to move on but im trying the best I can or know how. I do have a T. He told me after the break up just to start living my life again. This lady came along after us being out of touch for 20 years. I dont beleive in signs but this was jsut weird. so I attempted it but my hearts just not into. I dont want to hurt so I tried to tell her alot up front so she would know. But Im still in emotional qiucksand.

[lockedout]

It's all about boundaries and you should absolutely not feel guilty for not wanting to go beyond the friendship level. It's hard to say when anyone is ready to date. I had to establish a boundary with one that was getting very clingy after the first date. The date continued on til the next morning so I got that out my system but I don't feel as if it obligated me to a relationship. I haven't heard from her lately so I may have put the wall up to high, but the reality is that she doesn't really get my motor running and I'm reluctant to commit to future dates with nights off at a premium between work and my son.

You mention signs below. It's not unlikely that her coming around after 20 years has some meaning to it. Probably to give you some sense of where you were at some point before the marriage. There will probably be other things over time from which you may at some point learn where it all went wrong. I realized after a couple weeks that I'm renting a room less than a mile from an old girlfriend; I friended her on Face Book, talked to her on the phone a couple times, and saw her once while she was driving by. I was hoping to catch up at some point but she's not returning calls or messages. I'm a little peeved about it since I had no desire to get anything going again and I understand if she's busy but not to answer back on anything kind of sucks. Maybe she's not supposed to be around and it could be a lesson in combating my co-dependence.

[mango_flower]

Agree with the others - too soon!

I liken it to shell shock... .   you have in some way switched your feelings off for anything, as it's all too painful right now... .  

Give it time, and imagine how great a future relationship will be when you're 100% ready! x