Feel like a sponge... and a prisoner

[byasliver]

I just realized that my H has BPD two nights ago. Yesterday I was relieved. Today, terrified until he finally left the house for a week away with family. But through all of that I have not been able to stop absorbing information about BPD. If I'm not reading posts on this site, I'm reading lessons... . or books... . or watching videos... . etc. etc. etc. I'm wearing myself out but I'm scared if I don't absorb as much as I can, things will be horrible again when he comes home. I know I honestly cannot take a single more day of the way things have been. If he had not left this morning, I would have. It was a planned trip so he doesn't realize I was feeling that way but I don't know what I'll do a week from now when he is supposed to return.

And the prisoner bit? When we married, we both agreed that I would be a stay at home mom(kids from previous relationships + joint kids - I was working full time up until our marriage) and up until recently, he was very supportive and encouraging about that. He was also always very open and trustworthy about money and our accounts. However, the last few months it has been dramatically different. Suddenly, I am being accused of not contributing and mismanaging money (the only bills I pay are groceries and I only use the CS$ I get for that - he pays all other bills) and I can't get into our main accounts. He has already threatened to leave and leave me penniless so I am terrified of actually forcing him to leave. He did recently promise to put down in writing that he would not leave me struggling financially but that was a month ago and no matter how many times and different ways I have asked, he still hasn't written it down. The most recent bit was to tell me to contact our financial advisor to get the account information. I did not want to do that but found a paper today that indicates we might be SEVERELY in debt and I had NO IDEA! If what I found is accurate, not only are we nearly $50K in debt but it's money that he received little more than 6mths ago (a settlement I knew about) and has somehow already spent (which I have no idea how or what it was spent on). I also found out why he was fired from his last job which was drastically different from what he told me. I already can see that BPD has been a part of his life since even before we met. However, now I'm starting to wonder if the condition dramatically escalated over the last year which has resulted in all the things I have found out.

Anyway, so I can't stop reading and I'm scared to death of setting up real consequences for him because I fear I will not be able to financially support our kids. Any and all advice would be extremely helpful!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Byasliver! 

First of all: breath! Loong breath! 

I know this is scary. I've been there. It's a knots-in-the-stomach-moment. So big hug to you 

I'm glad you've found this site. Even if he doesn't have BPD, there's a ton of good advice on this site on how to communicate with people with BPD that applies to all kinds of situations and people, and advice on how to function better and be better in our lives ourselves. Lots of seasoned members to guide you and help you along the way.

Keep on reading the lessons --------------------------->

Especially those on validation, SET and JADE

I know I honestly cannot take a single more day of the way things have been. If he had not left this morning, I would have.

I'm sorry you feel that way. That's not a good place to be. My advice is to take some time to process all of this, practise the lessons and then see how you feel a little way down the road. Do you need to make a decision today about staying or leaving?

I can't get into our main accounts. He has already threatened to leave and leave me penniless so I am terrified of actually forcing him to leave

... .

we might be SEVERELY in debt and I had NO IDEA! If what I found is accurate, not only are we nearly $50K in debt but it's money that he received little more than 6mths ago (a settlement I knew about) and has somehow already spent (which I have no idea how or what it was spent on)

... .

I'm scared to death of setting up real consequences for him because I fear I will not be able to financially support our kids

This sounds scary and confusing, and you may feel like you're in some bizarre alternative universe and you don't know what's going on and you keep finding out things. So breath. And then it might be a good idea to make a plan. A plan on how you can find out more about the finances and what can be done if it's really bad. You should contact your financial advisor. You have every right to do that. For you. And for your children. This is the time to be brave!

And we're here for you. There's a whole, big community here who will understand you and advice you and cry with you and push you to be better. 

[byasliver]

And cry, I did, for the first time since realizing he has BPD. Thank you for such kind and helpful words and even for the virtual hug... . he hasn't touched me AT ALL in MONTHS... . I'm a hugger so my kids have been my only saving grace on that. I've made them all cuddlers and they give me the BEST hugs! 

I'm 99% sure he has BPD. Every list of symptoms I read, every non's story, they all describe him to a tee. I think he might have some narcissistic tendencies too... . but one thing at a time.

I know I have to call our financial advisor but I just feel so stupid because our main account is JOINT and the one we pay all the bills from! There is no logical reason why he shouldn't just give me the login info. I used to have it but I never had a need to use it except occasionally. Since then I've lost it but asked for the new info (login/password have to be changed frequently with that account-bank requires it)... . but he won't give it now.

<side note> I just tried to login and because I guessed a security question wrong, it locked the account! Bwahahaha! I know I shouldn't laugh because I will probably catch all kinds of hell for it but I know having to reset it will be a royal pain in his ass! Also, he will be forced to give me the login info (so I don't lock it up again) or deal with my locking it up again... . and again... . and again! Lol!

No, I do not have to make a decision RIGHT NOW about making him leave but I know I need to make some decisions. I've already decided that from now on when I use my card for that main account, I will use the opportunity to pull out small amounts of cash to stash... . self protection.

The bizarre alternate universe statement is funny but that's how I felt before I realized this is what he has. He has been so angry, distant and irrational lately. He has been hyper-focused on blaming me for everything even to the point of outright lying about events in order to put the blame on me. It leaves me wondering sometimes if I am really remembering things correctly. To solve that I started keeping track of things using a journaling app on my phone. Helps me TREMENDOUSLY!

Thanks again - I think I'm going to shut off my computer now so I'm forced to get my focus off of this for a little while. I have a break with him gone for the next week - I need to enjoy it 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Enjoy your week with your cuddler-kids! 

[Blazing Star]

Hi Byasliver,

Its great you have this week to yourself, some breathing space like Scarlet Phoenix says will really help you right now.

I know its full-on when you first find out about BPD. Be easy on yourself, and use this time to look after Numero Uno too!

We are here to support you.

Love Blazing Star

[byasliver]

Thank you guys! I don't know if you saw my post "Crazy? Or good coping?" but I made myself a little space in our attic. As far as he knows, it'll be my "office" and crafting space. Truth is, it's my own little quiet escape. Don't need it right now while he's out of town but still sitting in it now just enjoying it. It's such a cute and cozy little haven :-)

Now, even when he returns, I have a space where I can go for peace and privacy... . love it!

[Rockylove]

I've already decided that from now on when I use my card for that main account, I will use the opportunity to pull out small amounts of cash to stash... . self protection.

Very good plan!  You need to protect yourself regardless.

He has been so angry, distant and irrational lately. He has been hyper-focused on blaming me for everything even to the point of outright lying about events in order to put the blame on me.

It sounds like he's very stressed and that's triggering him.  I would guess from what you're saying that he's done something financially irresponsible and is now regretting it and is dysregulated and projecting.  I hope that you are able to get some information on your joint financial status... . being married you are both responsible for debt... . find someone to advise you in this matter.  Perhaps the bank can help you?

I think I'm going to shut off my computer now so I'm forced to get my focus off of this for a little while. I have a break with him gone for the next week - I need to enjoy it 

   

[sad but wiser]

Okay byasliver, here we go on your journey with BPD.

  First off, things are usually not as bad as they appear.  From what has been posted here and my own experience, it seems like males with BPD especially seem to use fear and intimidation tactics to keep their nonBPD partner in her (and maybe his - not sure with gay partners) place.  This leaves you vulnerable and scared.

  Remember this is Through the Looking Glass land, so if he is groundlessly accusing you of it, he is probably doing it.

  Secondly, yes, you must become responsible for yourself and your own situation.  Depending on where you live, divorce laws are usually that all community assets and debts are split 50/50 and there is spousal support for a stay-at-home mom until she can become independent. I do not think he would be able to leave you penniless with dependent children on your hands.

   Third (but it is really number 1) are you and the children quite safe physically?  If there are threats of violence or the beginnings of violence (pushes, slaps, "accidental" hits) you need a restraining order.

  It sounds like he might have his own business going?  If so, could he have serious tax (non-payment) issues or some other work-related thing going on?  You need to know, because you may very well have a financial/legal liability here.

  It is a bit surprising that this has happened so suddenly.  BPD usually comes out in early adulthood and the traits are persistent.  Of course, if everything has gone well up until now, there might not have been enough stress to trigger the behavior before.

   If you can do it, you should look into counseling.  How long have you been married?  Could you go back to work?  Do you have family support?

I hope that we can be a huge help to you.  The confusion that happens when our beloved Dr. Jekyll turns into Mr. Hyde is devastating.

   

[byasliver]

Thank you, sbw - I DO want to stay with him. We had several years with very minor BPD symptoms present (only just now realizing this) but it's becoming more apparent that A LOT has been hidden from me in the last 6mths to a year. I am discovering hidden debts, hidden bank accounts, etc. I know I need to protect all of us financially but I am totally clueless as to how to do it right now. His reaction when confronted with a lie or deception is to completely deny it, blame me or excuse it away no matter how the facts show otherwise. I know if I confront him with what I've found, it will not get me anywhere positive. But without a complete picture of our financial situation I feel stuck... .   don't know which way to turn. The only legal way I know to get the information is to get a lawyer but that pushes us towards divorce... .   which I don't want. When we married we signed lots of legal documents like wills and such and I know we both signed POA's that give us the ability to "take control" should the other spouse be deemed incompetent due to physical or mental impairment... .   is it sad that I'm almost wishing for some serious breakdown on his part so that I can put that POA into effect? I just really don't know what to do  :'(

[sad but wiser]

I don't think you have enough information yet, to put the power of attorney into effect.  Besides, that is likely to backfire in a very strange way.  People with BPD can be very convincing and will lie in the strangest ways.  He may well try to make it seem like you are the one who has had the breakdown and use the POA against you.  You must get some more information, right away.  Can you go to the bank and request a copy of the last two statements on your joint accounts?  This would be a start.  Do you have the copies of the paperwork you signed when you got married?  Read them carefully, word by word.

It sounds like you need a mediator to sit with both of you while you talk.  Don't think of it as confrontation, because that usually backfires.  He might actually be relieved to find out that you care about what is going on and don't want him to shoulder it alone.  It could be comforting for him to find out that you don't think he is a total failure, even if he has made some financial mistakes.  This would take some serious finesse and wisdom on the part of the mediator.  This person could be a pastor, rabbi, or professional.  All of these must keep things confidential.  He could speak in generalities if he needed to.

How long have you been married?

[byasliver]

I really don't want to have to enact the POA - just feel like it would be easier, though I know, in truth, it really wouldn't.

I can't get bank statements for a couple of reasons: (1) the bank is out of state, (2) I only have the bank name and last 4 #'s of the account, and finally, (3) I'm pretty sure he set that one up with only his name rather than as a joint account.

I have a phone call in to our accountant and hoping he can shed more light on everything. But if he has been in the dark about this, too then it will only reinforce how deceptive and secretive BPDh is being.

I've been making several calls today to therapists he has seen recently and to try to set myself up with a therapist. Hoping one of them can mediate and advise.

We have been married for 8 years, together for 9

[sad but wiser]

byasliver -    An out of state bank?  Checking or savings in his name only? Just under 10 years of marriage?  Boy, your financial situation is worse than you think.  I don't think he has been taking care of you.  Something looks very, very wrong here.

How about getting a joint credit check sent to you.  It would be better to send it somewhere other than your house.  Do you know his family?   Have you been to his high school class reunion?  Do you know his mom, dad, sisters, brothers, cousins, best friend from college, people he grew up with?

[byasliver]

I do appreciate your concern, sbw, but let me ease your mind some. It's an out of state bank because it's in his home state (where he grew up and his family still lives). It is the same bank where we have our joint account.

Until one year ago, none of this was even close to being an issue. He was totally open about our money and finances. I had full access to all money/accounts, etc. Then one year ago he lost his job due to his verbally abusing coworkers (had not been an issue previously) with statements like "I will kill you". The story he gave me was quite different but I did not find that out until this weekend. He was given a large severance package which I have learned was about 1/3 larger than what he told me and I do not know where the majority of that money is since it's not in our joint account. Also he was then told about 1/4 of the money was overpayment and he needed to pay it back. From payment to being told it was over paid was one month almost to the day - no reason he should not have been able to just give them the money right back. Instead he chose to make payments. That makes NO sense! However, the discovery of this other account may mean that he simply put it aside into that account but doesn't explain why he would choose to make payments rather than just pay it back.

***UPDATE*** Just got a call back from one of his therapists but it didn't go so well. I don't think she is very knowledgeable about BPD because she kept saying she thought he was just stressed because people with BPD show more symptoms for a longer period of time and this escalation in negative behavior with him didn't fit her definition of BPD. I honestly was shaking my head through the entire conversation. Nothing seemed to make her understand the severity of his recent behavior. She wants me to join him at his next appointment with her in about two weeks and I am completely willing to do that. Just don't know what good it will do if he continues his denial of what's going on. She asked me if I feared he would harm me, the kids, himself or anyone else and I don't think he would but I also said I never thought he would threaten someone's life at his job, hide money, etc. either! Really hoping that if/when I hear from his other therapist, I get a better answer and more direction.

[sad but wiser]

Byasliver - thanks for the updates, because I am worried about you.  Therapists can be fooled by BPD behavior, it is true.  But, you know what, the sudden onset and 180 degree turn around in personality sounds more like what happened to my friend than what has been going on with me.  Her husband has Bi-polar disorder.  It runs in his family.  He hit a certain age (there were some triggers like income changes) and suddenly he went from loving family man to angry, risk-taking, unfaithful abuser.  Now I knew this man before.  He was so well grounded, the kids were great, the wife (my friend) loved being married to him, and suddenly he's a different person.     It just sounds like what happened to you in many ways... .  

[byasliver]

Aw, thanks, sbw 

uBPDh has actually shown symptoms since before we met but that's one of those "hindsight is 20/20" type deals. I have a close family member that was bipolar and what my H shows is different... .   rarely ever shows positive emotions and when he does they are very muted.  Most of the time if he shows any emotions it's a negative one and usually anger. Anger-addict was a dx I considered but it didn't really fit. Nothing completely fit until I found out about BPD and then I realized that what I've been seeing for the last year was an escalation of symptoms rather than only a sudden change. From even before we married myself and others joked about how "black and white" he was about everything. I've never known anyone else to be as severe about it... .   it was funny until I realized just how severe it was. Even talking to my dad (who is familiar with many mental illnesses and it was his father who was bipolar) said it sounded like BPD but not bipolar. We've never seen H in anything close to a "manic" state but depression and anger, definitely.

Thankfully, I heard from another person in the care network this afternoon that was so sweet and totally agreed with me that it sounds like a lot more than stress and that he needs to be in more treatment than what he has been. I also heard back from the therapist I looked into for myself and should have an appointment scheduled soon. It was kinda funny, though, when I explained the reason for seeking therapy for myself. You know they ask all these questions about how you feel and how your relationships are going. I feel great and all my relationships (with the exception of uBPDh) are really wonderful. So finally, they ask if he is in treatment and I told them he was but I just need help dealing with my own emotions about it and with how best to handle interactions with him.

How are YOU doing? Hanging in there?

[sad but wiser]

Yes, I am hanging in there.  My ex has been leaving me alone (other than the Happy Easter text) and actually seemed anxious one day when I showed up at his place to get a tool he had taken to use. He told me he could have brought it to me if I had let him know.  Ha!  That would be out of character!  I suspect he may have some new love interest.  If this is true, it is going to hurt all over again when I know for sure.  We were married for a very long time.