Hi all,
It's been almost a year now since calling off my wedding to my ex who may or may not have BPD and I may almost be ready for the 'Building Healthy Relationships' board! Looking back, I have some regrets that I will mention in a moment... .
However, after three months of no contact I relented today, because it would have been our wedding day (30th March) had I not called it off. For a while now I have felt myself again, the swagger is back, I have felt confident... . but today I had pangs of anxiety that I have not felt for a long time.
I wrote on here in Feb with the history, in short when I met her she was £40k in debt (blamed on a previous boyfriend who apparently beat her), she could be extremely jealous, she drank a lot (her brother and Dad are alcoholics) and she had very low self esteem. She would go crazy in public but not with people she knew around her so only a couple of friends saw her like I did so many times.
I just could not take her hyper sensitivity and her erratic mood swings any more and I felt I was going crazy. I have been through the lot... . idealisation, devaluation, splitting, intense rages, culminating in a very stressful night in March 2012 when she tried to commit suicide with tablets in one of the early recycles before our break up. There was no self harming or cutting though and I can't say she suffered from depression for long periods. The sex was amazing but often felt like a hook to make me love her obsessively. Overall in was a roller coaster ride that lasted four years.
Anyway, I sent her a text today that said 'Hope you are OK today, bearing in mind the day. X'
There was no response of course and I knew there wouldn't be. Sending it was more about me finally closing off a hellish year. The regrets I mentioned earlier though looking back is how for so long after I broke up with her I tried so many times to rekindle the relationship, to the point where she threatened to send my emails to everyone at my work, said she would call the police and was frankly quite evil, even though in between these episodes she was quite happy to talk to me!
Going through it at the time I felt heavily addicted to the highs and lows of this nightmare situation during the detaching period which taught me all about my co-dependent, white knight issues and this need to be the rescuer. I so regret trying to get back with her and really cannot work out whether it was out of guilt, desperation, fear of loneliness or I had just gone plain crazy for while. Until of course I discovered the term BPD last November.
However, I feel like I am 90% recovered, after turning down three offers of new relationships to sort myself out I am now feeling a strong attraction to a girl at my new work after 11 months of feeling nothing for the opposite sex and watching like a hawk for red flags in every woman I met.
So tell me Advisors, Moderators and Ambassadors... . do you think I am nearly there? In need of some final
validation from the experts... .
Shadowlands.
