Complete Insensitivity

[boatman]

Hi everyone. I posted this on the undecided board. Technically my BPDgf and I have been broken up for a month now, and I could really use some support and feedback so I'm posting it here too.

So I told my BPDgf (sometimes exBPDgf) that I was feeling inferior because of her push/pull behavior and because of my past. I was bullied in school and sexually abused. I told her I was feeling particularly physically inferior. I have premature grey hair. She told me that she feels the same compared to other girls, but she just deals with it. I told her I think she's the prettiest girl I've ever seen. This is what she said:

Lol ur crazy. Im definatlt not the prettiest

And trust me... . matt damon will always be number 1 in my looks book... . its not all about looks. There is always someone prettier or hotter or sexier or handsomer

This hurt me very deeply. She did apologize. I also told her that I didn't know anyone who didn't want to be seen as the "best" in their SO's eyes, whether it be physically or anything. She told me my thinking was irrational. She also told me that half of good looks is self confidence. I told her it's hard to be confident around her with her raging and push/pull behaviors.

Anyone else experience insensitivity like this, or think I'm off base here?

   

[boatman]

Hi again everyone-

Does anyone have any feedback here? Seems like a little thing but it's bothering me more than almost anything else she's ever said.

[Louise7777]

Hey boatman!

Seems to me you are having some low self-steem episode. Although what she told you was rude, I think it shouldnt had hurt you that much.

I understand you were looking from some confort coming from her, but since she is BPD, you are looking for in the wrong place... . You cant expect trees from a pear tree, can you?

BTW, whats wrong with grey hair? I find it nice on men.

Take care of yourself!

[boatman]

Hi cristina-

Thank you for your reply and nice compliment.  I agree, I do have low self esteem. With all her pushing/pulling, I guess I was looking for some reassurance from her to know where I stand with her. But I suppose you're right, that's not something I'm ever going to get from her.

[mango_flower]

Agree with Cristina - it was rude, but shouldn't have hurt quite so much as it did.

I think that the key here is not WHAT she said, but the fact she chose to say it knowing it would hurt you.  It's just like "ouch".

So the question really is, where is this relationship going? Do you have hopes of getting back with her or are you trying to move on?

[Louise7777]

Hi boatman, I hope you feeling better by now, at least a little bit.

Correction: I meant "u cant expect apples from a pear tree".

I agree with what the previous person said (sorry I forgot ur name!): she chose her words to hurt you. Some people just do it on purpose.

[boatman]

Hi Mango_flower and cristina,

Thanks for your replies. I don't know if she realized it would hurt me or not. We talked last night and she told me that "no one else" has ever been hurt by what she said. Does that mean she has told every boyfriend that Matt Damon is better looking than they are?  She also told me last night that she has never had problems like this before in a r/s, and that people hurt the one they love "all the time", but it isn't necessary to "always" bring it up. She then said that our r/s didn't work because I "always" tell when she's hurting me. I asked her why, if she loves me, that she wouldn't want to know if I was hurt, especially by something she had done. She had no response. It was reality distortion extreme last night, projection, splitting, black/white thinking, etc. As is often the case when I enter a conversation with her with hope of resolving some hurt feelings, I came out of it feeling worse. The worse comment she made was, "You have never been a real friend to me!" She apologized but it still cut like a knife.  :'(

[Louise7777]

Mango flower, sorry I didnt remember ur name! Your questions are good ones.

Boatman, how abt mango´s questions? 

You see, its always about her. You mention you are hurt and then her reply is you have never been a friend to her. Your feelings are never taken into consideration. Its the same movie all over again: you talk to her with hopes to receive some appreciation back, and you end up feeling worse.

From my experience, BPDs are selfish and self-centered. They always switch back the conversation to them, its all about them, always. I feel exahusted when somebody behaves like that (doesnt need to be a BPD), many people are like that, its not a real relationship/ friendship, its about YOU listening to THEM.

I guess Im venting here also, Im in a difficult moment and still, some people go on and on about their problems while I have a major one right now. I simply dont have patience for that! Im a good listener so Im supposed to listen and advice all the time, but when it comes to me, zero! I think we both need to set boundaries ASAP. 

[boatman]

Hi cristina-

There was something else that she said to me twice in the past week that I almost think I blocked out. She told me outright that she doesn't care about my feelings. My therapist asked me if there is anything my ex could say to make all the hurtful things she has said and done better. I said no. So right now I'm ignoring her phone calls because I don't want to talk with her and risk having her dole out more verbal/emotional abuse. The only way I would consider talking with her again is a heartfelt apology from her, taking responsibility for her actions. Since that has only happened 2 or 3 times in the 10 years I've known her, I'm not going to hope for something that has only happened 5% of the time before. So I guess it's 100% over.

I agree that boundary setting is key. Have you asked for help with the problem you are having now?

[VeryFree]

I totally agree with cristina from my own experience: it’s never about us. It’s always about them. When asking for something for yourself, they will try to get something for themself or make us feel bad about it.

When talking about our feelings, they will soon start to talk about theirs.

When trying to improve communications, they will put the guilt for bad communication on us.

When feeling bad, she feels worse than us.

Don’t let it get to you!

[Louise7777]

Hey boatman! Im actually glad your BPD said "... . she doesn't care about my feelings". They usually are not that honest, in my experience.

Now you know you have no place in that relationship, unless you decide to be a doormat. For me its hard to deal with such selfish self-centered people (BPD or no BPD). To me, thats not even a relationship, thats a vampire taking and taking and never even considering your needs. Seeing it under that light its easy to set boundaries.

Thanks for ur care, I looked for help (doctor), my mom was diagnosed with antidepressants now. But it takes a long time to take effect, we just need a lot of patience. Maybe dealing for decades with BPDs has led her to that... .  


I completelly agree with VeryScared: they always find a way to blame you. I found particularly funny the "when feeling bad, she feels worse than us", cz thats a behaviour I ve seen millions of times. 

[boatman]

I totally agree with cristina from my own experience: it’s never about us. It’s always about them. When asking for something for yourself, they will try to get something for themself or make us feel bad about it.

When talking about our feelings, they will soon start to talk about theirs.

When trying to improve communications, they will put the guilt for bad communication on us.

Hi VeryScared-

I agree. Whether my exBPDgf was talking about herself or projecting onto me, it was all about her. I think I lost a lot of my own identity to her by being over compliant and agreeable with her projections.

Now you know you have no place in that relationship, unless you decide to be a doormat. For me its hard to deal with such selfish self-centered people (BPD or no BPD). To me, thats not even a relationship, thats a vampire taking and taking and never even considering your needs. Seeing it under that light its easy to set boundaries.

Hi cristina-

I agree, I was a doormat. She took and took and my needs were hardly ever a consideration. I wish it was easy to set boundaries. I've been ignoring her phone calls for 3 days and it isn't getting any easier. I want to talk with her but I know she will hurt me like she always has.

Thanks for ur care, I looked for help (doctor), my mom was diagnosed with antidepressants now. But it takes a long time to take effect, we just need a lot of patience. Maybe dealing for decades with BPDs has led her to that... .  

I'm sorry your mom isn't doing well. Was she diagnosed with BPD?

[Louise7777]

Hey Boatman!

LOL... .   Thanks God my mom is not a BPD.  I meant she was diagnosed with depression and was precribed antidepressants, but they take some time to work. Shes been very down for around a month and after 20 days the medication is not working yet... .  

Adding to all that, a friend I talked to was so self-centered that instead of providing me some confort just wanted to nag abt her failed relationships. Im under a lot of stress and I really cannot keep on listening to all that relationship drama and give her advice! At some point I almost snapped and told her I couldnt cope, I was on edge, so I said "please I cant focus on your problems, I have a lot going on now"... .  

She never phoned again to know abt our situation but at least stopped from talking abt herself. I set a boundary, which is hard for me, but after 1 hour on the phone, listening to her small problems (as I see them now at least) I had to cut it somehow.

How are you feeling by now? Are u resisting the temptation to answer her calls? I hope so. 

[boatman]

Hi cristina-

I'm sorry your mom isn't doing well, it must be hard to see her struggle. Glad to hear you set a boundary with your friend. I find it gets easier the more I do it. I finally did answer my ex's call yesterday, which consisted of her raging and me hanging up on her. I feel like crap now and I'm figuring out what an effect it has had on me physically. I'm sure I will post more about it when I feel up to it.

[Louise7777]

Hey Boatman!

Thank you for your care about my problems. 

Dont feel bad about answering her call. Some people here said its like an addiction, so its ok to fall for it and then go NC again.

I dont know how a relationship with a BPD works, but I know that setting boundaries gets easier the more you do it (you were right!). I compare it to the Supernanny tv show, kids go wilder at first, but then get used to the boundaries. And the parents have to keep on pushing them, its an exercise.

I myself prefer Cesar Millan´s technique, but thats me. ;-)

[boatman]

Thanks cristina!