Any advice

[mother in law]

Re: Coping with lies and smear campaigns

« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2013, 01:17:25 AM »

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I was advised to put this on this site for advice.

We are experiencing a lot of smear campaigns and projections which are very distressing. My son (her  ex husband) has  been the victim of one, she has labelled him an adulterer, he was abusive (she was and is) and he made her have an abortion and the list goes on. She rang his friends and told them all these lies. He has ignored it and only spoken to one friend he is meanwhile completely beaten down by her and sad. After she punched him recently she sent him a text saying i had hit her father and she and My husband had witnessed it and were shocked. In actual fact my husband witnessed her hitting her father a few years ago and was very shocked.  She later changed the story to i hit  her. We ignored these lies even though i was upset. My husband last week  received a text saying nasty things about our son and stating our grandson felt  unloved and his father does not  listen ( a frequent complaint) and would we talk to our son. We thought about it then texted back no (as she has tried manipulative ways before to break his current relationship. We also stated We were very unhappy that she had told lies about me, that he had worked very hard in the marriage (he worked full time did the housework and alot of the cooking she did  little). We also said perhaps her constant criticizing of our son may be damaging our grandsons opinion of his father and it may be time to make a new and happy life for herself. We of course received a furious and vitriolic text back denying all and stating what a great wife she had been, not the lazy abusive one she was. It has of course escalated because My grandson has  been put on airport watch so she cannot take him back to japan. We think it has foiled her plans to do just that. Perhaps We should not have replied and i would think twice next time but We are sick of the smears as We tried very hard to help her and ultimately they really do hurt. Thank you for listening i have only given a few examples i could go on and on . I stil do not know the right answer. Does anyone have any great advice?

[DivDad]

Blines are pathalogical liars.

My advice is to think legal.

That is, as grandparents... .   you need to get out of the verbal volleys.

Blines like an audience.

You are it.

Nicely shut down the communication with the Bline.

Your son should be the only one communicating.

Via email or text... .   or not answering the Bline calls so her messages can be recorded.

Keep all records... .   in chronolgical order.

All of this is for an attorney or for a court proceeding.

The only thing that gets a Bline's attention is a judge.

Your son... .   andnot you... .   need to build up a case.

Keep the non Bline communication on the high road.

Don't respond to any accuations or insults.

Only respond to issues that pertain to the minor.

You need to build a case to keep the minor in the US.

You mentioned Japan.

It's very difficult to get a custody minor out of Japan.

It can be done, but it's a long process.

You need to build up a legal case of information... .   that  you can show the court

why the son needs to stay in the USA.

Or to build up a case to get the son away from the Bline.

But the case has to be built with the spouse.

Not the grandparents.

Good luck

[livednlearned]

Two of the most recommended books on this board are Splitting by Bill Eddy and Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak. Since your ex DIL is implicating you, it might help you to read both of those books. They are intended for the ex spouse or parent, but there is a lot of information that will help you figure out how to respond.

Splitting is about divorcing a spouse who has a personality disorder, and Divorce Poison is about dealing with the parental alienation tactics that many BPD sufferers engage in.

I agree with DivDad that responding to your ex DIL is not a good idea. But I do think that setting the record straight with friends and anyone she is smearing you to is a good strategy. It is often the case that decent people "turn the other cheek" and "take the high road" when someone plays dirty like this. After reading Divorce Poison, I no longer believe that is the right strategy for us. BPD sufferers can and do ruin lives with their distortion campaigns, especially kids caught in the middle. Take the stress that you feel with this behavior and imagine how your grandchildren must feel  :'( Many of us can barely cope with this stuff, much less kids. It's so disorienting and hateful.

To set the record straight, you can simply say, "We are aware that ex DIL is saying xyz about us. These are false allegations that are unfounded and deeply troubling. We consider you to be dear friends (or trusted colleagues, or close family) and are concerned that these allegations have the potential to harm our relationship to people we care about." Something like that. And then if you want, encourage them to reach out to you if they have questions or wish to talk. No need to say mean things about your ex DIL. Just state that the allegations are false. You value the relationship with the person on the receiving end of the distortion campaign. And you invite them to reach out if they have questions.

In terms of your grandkids, one of the things I did with my son (now 11) is to help him work out for himself what the truth was. When his dad said "Your mother did xyz" and S11 brought that back to me, I would say, "How did that make you feel when N/BPDx said that?" Or, "What do you believe?" It took S11 out of the middle, and helped him start to trust his own perceptions. Often he would say, "It made me feel bad and I didn't like it that dad said mean things." Or "I don't think he was telling the truth because of xyz." Read the Power of Validation to learn more about how to validate them -- it's powerful stuff for both adults and kids.

This is not easy stuff. I hope you find some peace -- your son is lucky to have parents who care enough to try and help him through this.