It sounds like this has been taking a toll on you. Very understandable, and something that so many of us have gone through too. I agree with Rockylove, your own counselling is a good start.
I have spent 10+ years fixing problems only for a new one to always appear.
I also spent many years fixing problems only for new ones to appear. It wasn't until earlier this year when I learned about BPD that things started to make some sense for me. Probably due to a combination of starting to understand BPD and also being just plain fed up with the never-ending problems and dramas, I decided to stop fixing every little thing that came up. Around the same time, I also started to enforce by boundary of not being yelled at. At first, the situation with my uBPDw got worse. Maybe it was an extinction burst. I wasn't sure how much longer I would be able to take it. But then suddenly things started getting better.
In the past few weeks she has been acting civilly towards me. She said she feels like we're more of a team and that she notices that I am helping out more. Ironically, I thought I was helping less! But in hindsight, perhaps I've ended up helping with things when she wants and asks for help, and not all the times when
I thought she could use my help or might want my help.
I suppose only time will tell if this is a new, better phase of our relationship or if it is just another cycle through a good period.
As to how you might approach these conversations with her, I think I still need to work on my approach, so I don't want to steer you in the wrong direction. Not too long ago she blew up at me because she felt I was using the term "your choice" way too much. I'll have to review the tools here and figure out some good ways to let her know that I have faith in her to resolve some these problems herself.