Why do you want her back even knowing she was bad for you?

[HarmKrakow]

I keep struggling getting my ex BPD, PTSS, social phobia and whatnot out of my head. I keep remembering the good times and can't focus on the bad stuff


so my question is:

1)Why can't I seem to let her go? She has been nothing but bad to me last few months

2)I keep remembering the good things, she's on my head SO often during a day and I end up crying in a corner. It's ridiculous. She has been bad to me, and although we still have LC and she keeps blaming me for everything that went wrong, scarred her for life she tells me, i still pay her debts, but still ... ~ING hell ... I can't get her out of my head.

uff

[mtmc01]

Yes, mostly because, despite her BPD, I did just as much wrong... . probably more. And she was always very loving, just troubled.

[healingmyheart]

What's wrong with this picture?  They abuse us verbally, control us, manipulate us, and take away our self esteem and just our whole life as we knew it, but we want more?  

It doesn't make sense, does it?  I feel I'm a pretty level headed women but I still keep getting sucked back into his drama and games.  

Broke up over a month ago.  Went from LC to NC and now he wants to be friends.  I fell for it but I can honestly see now that he wants to get his foot back in the door and have me back and my logical self knows I cant, but my heart still wants the passion and what I thought was love... .

[HarmKrakow]

Yes, mostly because, despite her BPD, I did just as much wrong... . probably more. And she was always very loving, just troubled.

Thats not what I was hoping to read as a first reply. How can it be that we are the ones making the most mistakes? I believe when a r/s breaks for a little while, both have mistakes.

There is only one difference when cheating is involved. But besides cheating, it's both parties wrongdoing.

And my goodness, I miss my ex so much, it's ridiculous. A friend of mine literally shouted at me yesterday to CUT OFF ALL CONTACT ... break it ... close it.

And all I want, all I want, is those good times back. I need to stop my head thinking about this. It's ridiculous. I believe I can't get better than her. ~ sake

[fakename]

It's funny. Whenever I catch myself missing her its also because 'she was very loving'

She showed a lot of affection and I loved that.

[HarmKrakow]

What's wrong with this picture?  They abuse us verbally, control us, manipulate us, and take away our self esteem and just our whole life as we knew it, but we want more?  

It doesn't make sense, does it?  I feel I'm a pretty level headed women but I still keep getting sucked back into his drama and games.  

Broke up over a month ago.  Went from LC to NC and now he wants to be friends.  I fell for it but I can honestly see now that he wants to get his foot back in the door and have me back and my logical self knows I cant, but my heart still wants the passion and what I thought was love... .

It's ridiculous isn't it. I ache for her. I really do, and ALL my friends, literally all of them disagree. All of them. All, not just 99% no, ALL my friends say. No. She is seriously bad for you. Bad news

She is damaged goods.

[HarmKrakow]

It's funny. Whenever I catch myself missing her its also because 'she was very loving'

She showed a lot of affection and I loved that.

Of course, the idealization phase was the BEST time in my life, hands down. The hatred phase was the worst time of my life, hands down again :D

[OTH]

You were heavily emotionally invested in the relationship. You loved her. You should feel bad. That doesn't mean continuing a relationship with someone who hurt you is in your best interest. How do we (as human beings) overcome and deal with loss? It is part of life. How do we overcome it? It is a life test nobody escapes from.

[HarmKrakow]

You were heavily emotionally invested in the relationship. You loved her. You should feel bad. That doesn't mean continuing a relationship with someone who hurt you is in your best interest. How do we (as human beings) overcome and deal with loss? It is part of life. How do we overcome it? It is a life test nobody escapes from.

My shrink tells me, I need to careful for flight behavior otherwise it might haunt me back when im 5/10 years older and get back into another 'bad period' of my life.

What I wanted to do, was flight. Because by flight, you replace everything and go away from all the triggers. Other than that I made the decision to stop that (stop work) and now am currently 24/7 at home. Triggerfest heaven that is. My initial self preservation behavior is, FLIGHT, go away, been looking at flight travel tickets but I also realize, face the pain. Face it, and my god it's excruciating. To the literal extent. I've never, ever, witnessed such great physical and mental pain ever. Physical as it feels my head wants to split open.

Friends tell me... life lesson? But at what cost ... ?

[OTH]

Sure. I understand. You feel hurt. You feel pain. These are just emotions though. They won't kill you if you just learn to sit with them. You are feeling the right emotions. You are just having trouble dealing with them. They won't kill you and they will ease with time. You need to have other stimulous during this time. Feel it but don't dwell in it. Learn to feel and deal with the emotions from loss. It is a big world. Ease back into it. This isn't the end.

[paperlung]

Why do I want my pill-popping, agoraphobic, anxious, sex worker, depressed, lying, cheating, wrist-cutting, suicidal, BPD, manipulative, needy, abusive, ungrateful ex-girlfriend back?

I don't, but... . I do. Well, if those traits I listed weren't an issue anymore, hah. I do miss her a lot, though. She became my life, pretty much, and I think about her so often. I feel like I've lost a part of myself since going NC 20 days ago.

[fakename]

i think paperlung said something that resonates with me "she became my life"

in the beginning i was getting yelled at cause i didnt talk on the phone or txt as much as she would like... . order to keep her happy, i gladly did whatever i had to to satisfy her needs and all the attention she required. she ultimately became sort of like looking after a child. i had to almost be responsible for her life, look after her feelings and she leaned on my heavily. we became very attached because of that. i enjoyed it, tending after her any way i could - mostly emotionally, as she was independent in that she had a good job and stuff.

either way, i guess thats why its so hard... . because she became my life. i told her a couple times that she was the most important person in my life. i loved her and i wanted to take care of her and make sure she was ok. i guess i thought i was her savior. haha, i obviously failed at that.

[HarmKrakow]

i think paperlung said something that resonates with me "she became my life"

in the beginning i was getting yelled at cause i didnt talk on the phone or txt as much as she would like... .   order to keep her happy, i gladly did whatever i had to to satisfy her needs and all the attention she required. she ultimately became sort of like looking after a child. i had to almost be responsible for her life, look after her feelings and she leaned on my heavily. we became very attached because of that. i enjoyed it, tending after her any way i could - mostly emotionally, as she was independent in that she had a good job and stuff.

either way, i guess thats why its so hard... .   because she became my life. i told her a couple times that she was the most important person in my life. i loved her and i wanted to take care of her and make sure she was ok. i guess i thought i was her savior. haha, i obviously failed at that.

Then I ask you guys, why did a person like that become us? It became my life, well thats exactly what my ex was. My ex WAS my life and poof, gone. So ofc. immense hurt and trouble. Immense hurt ... . because it literally feels like I have no life left in me. However, with all(!) and i mean ALL my previous r/s, this was NOT the case. Why I wonder? Was it my blindsided ego?

[mango_flower]

Hugs to you Harm.  I wish I had answers to your questions.

My take on it is this:

It's like being with another version of yourself, 24/7.  They're always there, always somebody to talk to, you never feel lonely. They make you feel safe because they adore you SO much they never leave your side.  No chance to think about this big scary world, you always have them there to do things with.  You don't have time to think.

And I know you're a deep thinker, Harm.

I don't WANT my ex back.  But if I could erase the past 5 months and have my sweet girl back how she was, and that was her for life, I'd snatch it up in a heartbeat.

[SarahinMA]

I still have these conflicting feelings toward my ex as well.  I loved him more than I've loved anyone- he made me the happiest I've ever been and the saddest as well.  It was a roller coaster, an unhealthy relationship.  When things got serious, he devalued me, bolted and discarded me completely from his life (blaming me, smearing me, etc.). 

I still miss the good times and think about him often... .   mainly because on top of all the pain and hurt, I just want to know that our relationship meant something.  I know it's just validation on my part... .     I know that he's a sad, angry person who hates himself.   He's so good at faking it, and so good at telling people what they want to hear, but he opened up the best he could to me.  That's what makes me pity him... .   he wants so desperately to find someone to take away his pain and to alleviate his fear... .   BUT he's unwilling to put in the work to help himself.  He would never go to therapy.  So, he'll just keep being sad and lonely- push away those who love him and stay totally dependent on his narcissistic best friend. 

I know so much about his issues now that I didn't know then.  It makes me wonder, could we work now?  Could I make it work?  But then I remember that I could NEVER trust him again.  I would always be on edge... .   waiting for when he would devalue and discard me again.  He cut me from his life- someone who claimed to love on a daily basis- who met his family... .     and I don't want the sole responsibility for making a relationship work.  It's a partnership.  That's what I keep reminding myself over and over again. 

[laelle]

Hell No!  Been there, done that.  I'm ready to move on to something healthy and that makes me happy.

[HarmKrakow]

I still have these conflicting feelings toward my ex as well.  I loved him more than I've loved anyone- he made me the happiest I've ever been and the saddest as well.  It was a roller coaster, an unhealthy relationship.  When things got serious, he devalued me, bolted and discarded me completely from his life (blaming me, smearing me, etc.). 

I still miss the good times and think about him often... .   mainly because on top of all the pain and hurt, I just want to know that our relationship meant something.  I know it's just validation on my part... .     I know that he's a sad, angry person who hates himself.   He's so good at faking it, and so good at telling people what they want to hear, but he opened up the best he could to me.  That's what makes me pity him... .   he wants so desperately to find someone to take away his pain and to alleviate his fear... .   BUT he's unwilling to put in the work to help himself.  He would never go to therapy.  So, he'll just keep being sad and lonely- push away those who love him and stay totally dependent on his narcissistic best friend. 

I know so much about his issues now that I didn't know then.  It makes me wonder, could we work now?  Could I make it work?  But then I remember that I could NEVER trust him again.  I would always be on edge... .   waiting for when he would devalue and discard me again.  He cut me from his life- someone who claimed to love on a daily basis- who met his family... .     and I don't want the sole responsibility for making a relationship work.  It's a partnership.  That's what I keep reminding myself over and over again. 

I literally, could have written, word for word this

[Surnia]

Harm

Perhaps not all was bad for you in your relationship. It was unhealthy and even than there could be parts they were good. It could be that she has some positive characteristics you had admired.

Can you accept that you are missing her? I truly believe the more we go against our feelings ("I should not feel this way." the more we are struggling.

[HarmKrakow]

Harm

Perhaps not all was bad for you in your relationship. It was unhealthy and even than there could be parts they were good. It could be that she has some positive characteristics you had admired.

Can you accept that you are missing her? I truly believe the more we go against our feelings ("I should not feel this way." the more we are struggling.

I have to accept that I'm missing her. The problem is, everyone, seriously, everyone I talk to, tells me, mate, she is no good for you. Damaged goods. And they do a facepalm when I say I still miss her.

[Surnia]

Can both stand side by side? Yes, you are missing her. Yes, the entire rs was not good for you.

[haliewa1]

Doing the tighwire act just gets to be too much.  The affection, love and attention are all a show to draw you in and make you feel attached.  There comes a time where you know the r/s isn't good for you but you bypass the warnings and tell yourself you're the one to make it work and survive the difficulties so that "love" will prevail.  That is a pile of you know what!  I discussed the idea of staying with my exBPDgf for over a year with close to twenty of my friends.  These were people who had known me since I was a child.  There wasn't one, not one that said I should give the relationship a try and keep going!  If one would have supported staying in the relationship, I might not be posting on this site.  I might be dead by now!  I'm not kidding either!  There is no option but to move on, find someone who loves you for your good qualities and loves you for your faults!  God didn't make man/woman to endure caustic personal relationships at the expense of your life!

[Dave44]

Simple -- the sex.

[paperlung]

i think paperlung said something that resonates with me "she became my life"

in the beginning i was getting yelled at cause i didnt talk on the phone or txt as much as she would like... .   order to keep her happy, i gladly did whatever i had to to satisfy her needs and all the attention she required. she ultimately became sort of like looking after a child. i had to almost be responsible for her life, look after her feelings and she leaned on my heavily. we became very attached because of that. i enjoyed it, tending after her any way i could - mostly emotionally, as she was independent in that she had a good job and stuff.

either way, i guess thats why its so hard... .   because she became my life. i told her a couple times that she was the most important person in my life. i loved her and i wanted to take care of her and make sure she was ok. i guess i thought i was her savior. haha, i obviously failed at that.

Then I ask you guys, why did a person like that become us? It became my life, well thats exactly what my ex was. My ex WAS my life and poof, gone. So ofc. immense hurt and trouble. Immense hurt ... . because it literally feels like I have no life left in me. However, with all(!) and i mean ALL my previous r/s, this was NOT the case. Why I wonder? Was it my blindsided ego?

Well, my exBPD was a VERY low-functioning one. I took care of her like she was my daughter. She used to call me her "rock" for a reason.

All she ever provided me was:

- Dinner once in a while

- Sex

- Occasional affection

- Companionship and someone to communicate with

The cons far outweighed the pros. Far. Not even close.

I hope I never fall for somebody like her again, oh lawddd.

[bb12]

I won mine back as a friend and that was way worse than the romantic r/ship

oddly, friendship seemed to require too much intimacy from my exNPD/BPD. Might explain why he had so few.

Either way, the behaviour I was subjected to as a 'friend' was all gloves off nastiness. So my cautionary tale is that even when we know they are bad for us, but win them back on some level, things do not get better.

Surnia is right though - accepting we are still drawn to them but in parallel to the realisation they are bad for us, is the state we need to live in. Stuggling against that... .   or trying to reconcile the two seemingly opposing beliefs is the road to ruin. Let them both co-exist... .   and walk away until the pain of tolerating this acceptance becomes muted and you can move forward with your life and sanity intact

BB12

[Clearmind]

How can it be that we are the ones making the most mistakes? I believe when a r/s breaks for a little while, both have mistakes.

Harm, puting aside the ending of your relationship for the moment and go back to the beginning. Why were you attracted in the first place? Why did the relationship progress to the stage where you now find yourself now? All those   we ignore!

I agree that we both made mistakes – however, I can only own my part and I need to let go of my ex’s. He needs to mend that himself. I felt good rescuing my ex – it masked a lot of my own pain. Now he is not around – I am faced with it, mask free.

Is this a good thing? You bet! With pain comes growth. How can we be expected to grow and thrive if are not willing to process our vulnerabilities?

You have a life to live Harm – Go Live! Get out, build some new memories. Its unfortunate however she is not the answer to your pain. While we are hyper focussed on them we cannot process our part. What was your ex providing you that you were not able to provide yourself?

One must have an awesome relationship with themselves before having an awesome relationship with someone else.

[mtmc01]

Why do I want her back?

-Lots of love and affection, even in the worst of times

-Someone to fall asleep with

-Someone to wake up to

-The little things, like her picking up take out

-Our puppy, that she took when she left

-Our future that we'd planned, including the children, house

-The Hawaii wedding that was supposed to be next month and how she'd look in her wedding dress

-Her silliness and the goofy noises she'd make when we were just sitting around

-I've never felt that at ease in my life

-I've never felt so whole and worthwhile in my life. Like a normal person.

-The trips we had planned

-The way we'd put up the middle armrest in the movie theater and I'd hold her

-Our trips to Disneyland

-We always walked hand in hand or my arm around her, til the bitter end

-Because I love her more than anything else on this earth

[Mightyhammers]

What's wrong with this picture?  They abuse us verbally, control us, manipulate us, and take away our self esteem and just our whole life as we knew it, but we want more?  

It doesn't make sense, does it?  I feel I'm a pretty level headed women but I still keep getting sucked back into his drama and games.  

Broke up over a month ago.  Went from LC to NC and now he wants to be friends.  I fell for it but I can honestly see now that he wants to get his foot back in the door and have me back and my logical self knows I cant, but my heart still wants the passion and what I thought was love... .  

It's ridiculous isn't it. I ache for her. I really do, and ALL my friends, literally all of them disagree. All of them. All, not just 99% no, ALL my friends say. No. She is seriously bad for you. Bad news

She is damaged goods.

I could have written this myself! I just want her back because Im still in love with her, its that simple

[healingmyheart]

Well, I''m back to this thread yet again.  I went to counseling yesterday and informed my counselor that I got caught up with my ex and his games again.  He invited me back as a "friend" which I've since learned is code for "I want to recycle you".  I really thought he was just wanting friendship.  I have been feeling so depressed and once again just texting him and seeing him again made me happy... .   it filled that void.  

After he kissed me and I realized I was getting sucked up again and I really can't control myself, I decided it has to end and now.  

My counselor is baffled by my "addiction" with him.  I explained that I guess I just want what we had... .   all the good times in the beginning.  I still have feelings for him and If he hadn't of messed up, I would still be with him.  But that is not our reality and I have to let go once and for all and move forward.  I can't go back and take the abuse but I feel so stuck.

I feel like when he left, he took a huge part of me with him and I am a shell of a person.  I need to find "me" again.  I've lost myself... .  

I'm trying to look at this as a positive thing.  I want to be whole again.  Patience... .   trying so hard to be patient.

[SarahinMA]

Well, I''m back to this thread yet again.  I went to counseling yesterday and informed my counselor that I got caught up with my ex and his games again.  He invited me back as a "friend" which I've since learned is code for "I want to recycle you".  I really thought he was just wanting friendship.  I have been feeling so depressed and once again just texting him and seeing him again made me happy... .   it filled that void.  

After he kissed me and I realized I was getting sucked up again and I really can't control myself, I decided it has to end and now.  

My counselor is baffled by my "addiction" with him.  I explained that I guess I just want what we had... .   all the good times in the beginning.  I still have feelings for him and If he hadn't of messed up, I would still be with him.  But that is not our reality and I have to let go once and for all and move forward.  I can't go back and take the abuse but I feel so stuck.

I feel like when he left, he took a huge part of me with him and I am a shell of a person.  I need to find "me" again.  I've lost myself... .  

I'm trying to look at this as a positive thing.  I want to be whole again.  Patience... .   trying so hard to be patient.

I know how you feel.  I frequently discuss my ex with my therapist- he likes to remind me that I got sucked into a black hole with my ex.  He did just enough mirroring and manipulation in the early months of the relationship to make me hooked.  He idealized me like no one had.  I miss that feeling and I still feel that connection even when I see him now.  Other than a casual "hey" I refuse to talk to my ex anymore because I REFUSE to get sucked back in the black hole again. 

[HarmKrakow]

Well, I''m back to this thread yet again.  I went to counseling yesterday and informed my counselor that I got caught up with my ex and his games again.  He invited me back as a "friend" which I've since learned is code for "I want to recycle you".  I really thought he was just wanting friendship.  I have been feeling so depressed and once again just texting him and seeing him again made me happy... .   it filled that void.  

After he kissed me and I realized I was getting sucked up again and I really can't control myself, I decided it has to end and now.  

My counselor is baffled by my "addiction" with him.  I explained that I guess I just want what we had... .   all the good times in the beginning.  I still have feelings for him and If he hadn't of messed up, I would still be with him.  But that is not our reality and I have to let go once and for all and move forward.  I can't go back and take the abuse but I feel so stuck.

I feel like when he left, he took a huge part of me with him and I am a shell of a person.  I need to find "me" again.  I've lost myself... .  

I'm trying to look at this as a positive thing.  I want to be whole again.  Patience... .   trying so hard to be patient.

All those arguments your mentioning right now, I feel as well, and my EX BPD gf is telling me, I HAVE BPD, because of those arguments! Loss of confidence, going to a shrink, 'lost yourself'.

The