The up-sides

[dsmoody23]

While it's definitely easy to find myself focusing on the negatives, (negatives have been the primary focus of my life for a long time now) I've been starting to see some of the positives that are starting to come out of this experience.

For now, because I'm not very far out at all, it's mostly small things.

But small things count too. And I'll gladly take them.

I thought it might be a good for me, and maybe for some of you, to make note of the things that are better now.

1. I can rent any movie I want, without having to worry about what my SO thinks about my choice, or if they want to see it. James Bond, here I come.

2. If I want to curl up in bed with my dogs, or sit with them on the couch, I don't have to fear a blowup.

3. I can grow my really badass beard back.

4. I can read before bed, dick around on my phone, and turn the light off whenever I want, without being afraid of what it 'means.'

5. I can take a hot shower all by my-dam*-self, and not have to worry about having to 'prove that I love someone' by sharing the space and being cold.   

6. Video games. I missed you, my guilty pleasure.

7. Listen to whatever I want in the car, as loud as I want.

8. Sleep on my stomach, with my face pointed in whatever direction I want, without worrying about offending anyone.

9. Have a clean, organized kitchen.

10. Have a freaking beer if I want one.

11. Snore my head off.

[sunrising]

I'm enjoying your posts, dsmoody23.  Welcome... .  

It's kind of amazing the little things you'll take pleasure in after this type of relationship.  You absolutely should be able to drink a beer and snore!    

sunrising

[Vegasskydiver]

That's right... .   there are so many things that I wasn't allowed to do... .   funny my ex hated my dogs sleeping in the bed... .   hated pitbulls (I have one and three pugs), didn't want me to finish my degree or go to church (in fear that some random guy may talk to me), have a drink with a friend at a bar, go country dancing, go listen to live music, watch man vs. food, the notebook (I love that movie and his take on it, was it was about a cheating bit*, wear sexy clothes if I want, go to the dog park, work out at the gym, have friends that are guys, watch football and UFC at sports bars,  and the list goes on.  I gave up so much to not upset my exBPDbf. It seemed worth it at the time, but I wasn't allowed to be me... .  

[captain4464]

Everyone is so right.  I found myself letting friendships go for the sake of the relationship... .   my ex thought that they all hated her (not true but I guess this is part of the syndrome.)  Now I can call any friend without fear of reprisal.  I can take a walk,  take my daughter to fly a kite, stop and smell the roses so to speak.  No, life is not perfect but I am enjoying the small things that I used to ignor.  Keep going forward and build on the small stuff.

[Bub]

Love this topic... .   for me, I always want to remember the good and forget the bad, but that makes it hard. So here's to remembering the bad too... .   and with it, new freedoms:

- have a relationship with my family again

- call my kids

- not have to avoid every female on the planet (ie choose checkout lanes a grocery store with males only)

- eat dinner where I want, not always where she wanted to go.

- not have to worry if I spend an extra 30 seconds shaving or doing my hair (trying to impress someone... .   ?)

- false accusations have vanished!

And so many from the list above too... .  

[paperlung]

- Don't have to clean her place anymore

- Don't have to clean up her rabbit's poo anymore

- Don't have to take out her trash anymore

- Don't have to do her grocery shopping anymore

- Don't have to drive her around to places she wanted to go anymore

- Can eat whatever and where ever the I want now

- Can watch my hockey games in peace

- No longer being pestered to come over all the time because she was feeling alone/sad (which was ALL THE TIME)

- Don't have to sit inside on nice days when she was depressed trying to comfort her

- No more love triangle BS

- No more worrying if she was going to cheat on me again

- Can talk to the opposite sex

- Can see my family and dog more again

- Can hang out with friends again without feeling like I abandoned her

- Can go golfing again (didn't once last year while we were dating)

- Can play my music in my car

- Don't have to lie anymore to my family about how she's doing/what she's doing/ect

- No longer with someone who's job is to just get naked on cam for men who then give her money

- Grades at school have gone up again

[mtmc01]

-No more worrying about her starting to drink again

-No more babysitting/codependency

-No more seeing her sneak cheese, chocolate, and bread even though she's lactose intolerant & Celiac

-No more her wetting the bed and me cleaning it when she drinks

-No more dealing with her psycho codependent mother

-No more having to see her cry 10X a day, about everything

-No more wondering if we'll survive moving across the country away from her nutjob family

-No more having to kindly hint she should wash her hands due to stench because she seems to not know how to clean up after using the ladies room (usually after sneaking aforementioned cheese and chocolate)

-No more paranoia about what inappropriate conversation she's having now on Facebook/email/text to guys or her mother

-No more dealing with monthly monster a third of the month due to her pre-menstrual and menstrual cycle

-No more cleaning up after her

-No more of MY anger or controlling... .   I can be calm and work on myself

-No more of the worst sides of myself

-No more hearing "I'm a horrible person", "I just want to die", "Why don't you just leave me", "Promise you'll never leave me"

-No more random emotional fits

-No more buying soymilk, expensive gluten-free food

-No more being expected to eat out every freaking night

-No more drama

[VeryFree]

A lot of things are allready mentioned, so Ijust put down a few extra ones:

- eating things that make sound (peanuts) without her getting very angry.

- whistling, without her yelling at me.

- singing without remarks about my vocal capabilities (which were true btw)

- having friends come over, even when they didn't call in a month before.

- don't hide if the tv shows a girl in bikini.

- don't be afraid of boobietraps anymore.

- coming home knowing the little stuff I have is still there.

- knowing that things do not get dirty within 30 minutes after I cleaned tjem.

- nobody going throughy personal things.

- piece!

- sanity!

But most important, although this list seems to suggest otherwise: I feel that I can be positive again about life, about me, in a very short while.

There's life after hell!

[laelle]

I can cut a pineapple anyway I want to

I can watch any movie I want

I dont have to keep chocolate in the fridgerator

I can say the word fridgerator  

I can talk about my dog without being told im bad in some way.

I can put my children to bed after 8 and not get  about it.

I can correct my children however I want without getting  about it.

I dont have to check my cell phone for emails all day long

I dont have to worry that I will miss an email

I can think of the future as he kept me in limboland

[Wooddragon]

Being able to plan a holiday, an outing, a night at home or any damn thing without having to factor in possible/potential moods, meltdowns, sh^tfits, manic behaviour, drunkenness, social humiliation, flirting or any other sabotaging baggage of his

[WideAwake]

- Don't have to spend hours trying to choose the "right words" for an email, phone call or text message in the hopes that I won't upset them.

- Can have friends of the opposite sex again.

- Don't have to live glued to my phone / email.

- Don't have to spend hours defending myself against false accusations.

- Don't have to worry about them cheating on me again and the potential health consequences.

- Don't have to worry that when I spend time with friends, take a holiday or travel for work that it will be sabotaged or spoiled.

- No more guilt trips for having a good time or jealousy when good things come my way.

- Can think about / acknowledge my own feelings and needs.

- Less panic attacks.

- Don't have to worry about doing damage control after they spend the night drinking and saying and doing embarrassing and hurtful things.

- No more need to worry about how their financial irresponsibility could affect me down the road.

- No more "playing detective" in my relationship to delineate the truth from the lies.