if they cheated and you confronted them, would they get upset at you?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

why do they do get upset at you if they did something they weren't supposed to do?

[fakename]

why do they do get upset at you if they did something they weren't supposed to do?

[healingmyheart]

Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it a defense mechanism to get upset and project the blame on you when they do wrong.  They cannot internalize the blame because it's too painful, so they have to shift it elsewhere. 

[sunrising]

Shame and guilt... .     pwBPD are often overrun with both.  They get mad at you because they believe you (by calling them out), rather than their actions, are the cause of this shame and guilt.   I tried mentioning consequences to my ex a couple times.  Her response: "I don't need your consequences.   I have enough of my own".   Rather telling statement, knowing what I know now. 

Do you now consider an inability to show true remorse and apologize as a  for future relationships?

[paperlung]

She physically attacked me when I confronted her then broke up with her. She also ran to the bathroom one time and cut herself after telling me she had messed around with this guy on cam.

[Hurt llama]

Just the word 'confront' alone is more than enough... . add 'cheat' and you just created a WMD... .   and 'upset'... .   yes, let's call it that... .

[just_think]

Do you now consider an inability to show true remorse and apologize as a   for future relationships?

Ab.So.Lutely.

That was one of the reasons I left in this last relationship.  

I'm getting better at leaving! It still hurts and I still should have left sooner but at least I didn't compromise on that one.

[slimmiller]

Yes because how dare you even know about it if they cheat? Just doing the detective work to find out and confirming it is you being disrespectful in 'their eyes'

They will project and make you the bad guy. Somehow when all is said and done it was 'your' fault anyways

[mitchell16]

yes, this was very common for everything. I never caught her cheating but sure was alot of very suspcious behavior. When I caught her in lies she would twist it around that it was my fault she had lied. and Of course she was right. LOL. becuase of course I would get mad if she told me in advance that she was going out to bars to get drunk, flirt with other men and come home with having give them her phone number and them texting her. How dare I get upset about something like that. LOL. I remmeber once I caught hr in a lie but I wasnt sure. I sat on the information for a week until I could check into it. and sure enough she had lied about the whole thing when I confronted her with the truth and facts. It made her mad beucase I exposed her and made her look like fool when she kept trying to lie and I had all the proof. She kept trying to argue me down and Finally told her just to stop that she was embarrasing herself. LOL

[syz]

cheaters get upset even when they don't have BPD and you confront them... . Deefleeect!

[afterdeath]

Just the word 'confront' alone is more than enough... . add 'cheat' and you just created a WMD... .   and 'upset'... .   yes, let's call it that... .

That made me chuckle.


Similar experience, it was all my fault for betraying her and finding out she was cheating through Facebook even tho she gave me her password and said she had nothing to hide.

She still doesn't believe she cheated though either so... .   shame on me for being cheated on and discovering it

[Vatz]

Mine said she cheated because I had been distant. I told her I had been distant because of previous affairs (phone sex, sexting) this other guy. How dare I make her stop seeing the only other people in her life? How dare I make her choose between these "friends" and myself.

Basically it was always because I was distant. Or because she couldn't come talk to me about these people for fear I'd be upset.

I s*** you not, folks. I will try to be as verbatim as I can... .

"I can't talk to you about it! You'd get upset!"

I would then say "Yes, because you have inappropriate conversations with these people."

Then she would say... .   actually... .   I don't know what she would respond to that. Somehow we'd end up talking about something else, it would just go back to "They're my only friends" or "This isn't fair." I don't actually once remember getting a good fair and logical response to that.

I realized that I can't confront her for her nasty behavior because it just doesn't work that way. If I confront her, I make her feel distant from me. If I say nothing, it's my fault because she didn't know I'd be upset, yadda yadda.

[Vatz]

becuase of course I would get mad if she told me in advance that she was going out to bars to get drunk, flirt with other men and come home with having give them her phone number and them texting her. How dare I get upset about something like that.

THIS RIGHT HERE! You put words to the kind of dialogue I had with her regarding nonsense like this.

Perfectly worded, dude!

[ScotisGone74]

I confronted her about the cheating she had been lying to me about after I discovered what was going on-and geuss what?  It was All my fault of course that she cheated-Yes this is actually what she said, if I hadn't abandoned her or done what she said she would have never cheated she told me-haha-the definition of crazy. 

She would have kept me on the hook for kicks and giggles if I allowed myself to be a scmuck, after I went NC she had a long tale of lies and stories to tell about me to her couple of 'friends' and family members that she hasn't estranged.