What happens to our self esteem?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

What exactly is going on with our self-esteem?  Where does it go?  I'm not being facetious... .   honestly curious.  How does it get siphoned off and why does the BPD partner do it?  What do they gain out of it?

Can anyone clear this up in a rational/ psychological/  scientific way for me? 

[just_think]

What exactly is going on with our self-esteem?  Where does it go?  I'm not being facetious... .   honestly curious.  How does it get siphoned off and why does the BPD partner do it?  What do they gain out of it?

Can anyone clear this up in a rational/ psychological/  scientific way for me? 

[VeryFree]

Why? I asked a T that question.

It's partly our own fault, but it's mainly about them hating themselves in combination with the disability to selfreflection. Their hate must rage and they will find somebody that is a willingly victim (it's not that simple and propably not at purpose). And there we come in: knights in shining armour that because of our own pasts can not really stand up for ourselves and kling on to these BPD(fe)males.

To understand your own role: try talking to a T. I did and gave me important insights.

[nolisan]

Man ... .   my self esteem took a beating. I started thinking I must be a terrible person. I would make a "mistake" that seemed minor but she would blow it out of proportion - often citing it a as a reason that she had to detach to totally re-examine the whole relationship.

i was waling on eggshells consonantly second guessing myself. "If I do this will she leave me (again)?"

I know she liked to see me in this fearful state. She was sadistic. (and then kind the next moment). She would never answer if I asked "this feels like punishment - why do you do this?" I don;t think she knew why.

Yet another reason I'm glad it is over - maybe the biggest. It took me a good three months just to get out and about again but now I Am Back - even better!

[Wooddragon]

Mine was a sadist & I believe took some pleasure in bringing me down. I tried to assert boundaries early on but the fact that I didn't just pass on the whole thing for what should have been deal breakers meant that he knew I was weak from the beginning. I have learned from this to recognise my own values & (hopefully) to live by them. Also to trust my instincts a little more. I was lacking in self respect when I met him (but was unaware of that).

[laelle]

Mine was a sadist & I believe took some pleasure in bringing me down. I tried to assert boundaries early on but the fact that I didn't just pass on the whole thing for what should have been deal breakers meant that he knew I was weak from the beginning. I have learned from this to recognise my own values & (hopefully) to live by them. Also to trust my instincts a little more. I was lacking in self respect when I met him (but was unaware of that).

I agree with Wooddragon.  Mine got some sort of twisted pleasure out of bringing me down.  He had to repeat himself constantly on skype for a long time and understandably he was frustrated.  I found out I had a hearing problem.  He took joy in making me repeat things to him so that I got a taste of my own medicine and he even had the nerve later to tell me so.  Gave me  after it hurt my feelings.  how spiteful is that?

[theboro504]

I suspect my own self esteem was quite low to start or I would have never started with her and certainly never stayed.

[Vindi]

i agree w/theboro, i too never would have started dating the pwBPD when I look back now. I had low self esteem, and thru the relationship, it had its ups and down, i put my guard down and put up with too much. Yes, low self esteem, instead of believing in myself.

I now am in the process of gaining my self esteem back and doing some good reading and know that this codependency/self esteem issue do get tied together. I am working on bettering myself and loving myself more.

[wanttoknowmore]

Its because of BPD using projection and projective identification as defense mechanisms to deal with their high anxiety. It means that unacceptable and negative emotions of BP are poured inside the psyche of the Non(partner). This is why the Non starts feeling and acting like BPD. Lots of guilt, shame,rage,sadness,self lothing is poured in the Non like melted metal. The sense of self of the Non is greatly dessimated and that is how the self esteem bites the dust. How do you know if its you or BPD?

Just compare how you used to be before and after you were painted black by your pwBPD? If it doenot match,then,. you got those infamous "fleas"(LOL) In due course of time,your self esteem will start rising back to baseline (if you have detached with pwBPD)

[Blessed0329]

My ex pwBPD made his move when I was already at a low and vulnerable point in my life, having lost both of my parents within 18 months of each other. I was reeling with grief, and was just coming out of a year of mourning the loss of my mother when he began making moves on me, completely out of the blue. I had been in so much pain for so long, he was offering this oasis in the desert, and I jumped for it.

While I know his mirroring played a part in this, it truly did seem that we fit each other hand in glove. We fell into ways of acting and reacting to each other as if we'd known each other our entire lives. I used to call him my long lost brother, because it often seemed like he could be. He even resembles me and my father's side of the family physically.

But, while he idealized me during the time he was in love with me, he was also engaged in some sort of competition to the death with me. It was like he felt so inadequate in so many ways, that he had to try to beat me in areas he thought he was more proficient, one of which was playing head games and manipulating and controlling others. I managed to maintain my self esteem through all of this because I was somehow able to see through his masks and fronts, to the real him, the "man behind the curtain." And in the end that made him very afraid of me.

[careman]

Here is another take on it. It helped me alot.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=187665.0;topicseen

/Careman

[just_think]

Here is another take on it. It helped me alot.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=187665.0;topicseen

/Careman

Awesome... .   that... .   was exactly what i needed.  The "getting drawn out of ourselves"