Hiding from him and a random memory

[AbayaLady]

I haven't posted in a while, and things are getting better as I detach from my short-lived (4-month) r/s with my stbxuBPDh. It's all very surreal because after a couple of brief attempts to get me back in the 48 hours following our big blowout and only two phone conversations since Feb 8, I don't hear from him at all. He has totally moved on. Well, until we do talk and after going on and on about himself for about 20 minutes he starts to reminisce (mostly about my family, friends that he misses, not much about me) and that's when I start saying "Hold on, I don't want you to get false hopes here" and he flips out. I know it's better not to communicate at all, but I have my moments of weakness when I am just curious how things are going.

Anyway, it's surreal because just like most people on here, we were talking almost 24/7 before through phone calls and texts. I was GLUED to my phone even though I don't really like talking on the phone much. And now, just nothing. Sometimes I catch myself standing there doing dishes or something and I think, ":)id this really happen?" It's so bizarre how quickly it all blossomed and died. I had two or three very lonely weekends of watching movies nonstop, but now I am starting to get going again and am attending these classes I used to take and hanging out with very close friends a lot more.

I also started looking online again (I know, it's early, but it takes forever!) and I ran across his profile on a dating site. So I deactivated my account out of fear that he would see me and react/try to contact me. Does anyone else have this fear? Like they need to hide even though the other person has no problem moving right along?

Also, I read a post here today that made me have a random memory of a very dark conversation we had. He had just returned back home after a trip to see me (we lived apart) and even though the trip was wonderful and we had an amazing time, he switched gears, painted me black, and told me the only reason he came was to go through my phone and get the numbers of "all the men I have been f****ing". I know it was just his way of devaluing and pushing me away (which he admits) but it was so hurtful.

I have been pushing these memories away since we broke up and it's hard when one comes to the surface to haunt me. Anyone else dealing with this? There must be many.

Sorry for the random post with two topics. I just needed to get this off my chest so I can get back to work.

Thanks all!

AbayaLady