I hope I made the right choice.

[Depression = 72% of members]

This weekend, my ex-fiance reached out MANY times, via email. Ive always responded, partly because I find some comfort in having open communication with him, and partly because I want him to know i'll always be there.

Saturday morning, he got into his feelings with me - that he misses me, it "kills him" to know i'm upset, and things like that. When I casually suggested that maybe we're not completely "over" each other, and maybe we should meet up in person to talk - he sent a very cruel email back saying he "doesn't want any romantic relationship with me ever again" and "we ran its course". I let it go.

Yesterday morning, he reached out with a very sweet and heartfelt email, wishing me a good Easter, and talking about how last year, we were with my family.

I texted him late last evening, thanking him for his unnecessary sentiment, but out of respect for me, and his new relationship, he needs to not contact me. He seemed to be hurt by it - but I really believe its what I need to do for me. He doesnt want me back, he only wants to be in touch on his terms, and hes seeing someone else. For me, to be able to move on, as much as I dont want this - any of this! - I really feel I need to cut him off.

I heard from his brother yesterday - i'm missed and cared about by their family, and it kills me, as I feel the same way. My ex must have had a weird day yesterday, because he went through and "liked" comments I had made on my friends' facebook pages, and added his two cents - even when it wasnt appropriate.

I want him to come back and be my life again - but if he cant do that, I need him to stay away from me, my friends and my world.

[lostkitten]

This weekend, my ex-fiance reached out MANY times, via email. Ive always responded, partly because I find some comfort in having open communication with him, and partly because I want him to know i'll always be there.

Saturday morning, he got into his feelings with me - that he misses me, it "kills him" to know i'm upset, and things like that. When I casually suggested that maybe we're not completely "over" each other, and maybe we should meet up in person to talk - he sent a very cruel email back saying he "doesn't want any romantic relationship with me ever again" and "we ran its course". I let it go.

Yesterday morning, he reached out with a very sweet and heartfelt email, wishing me a good Easter, and talking about how last year, we were with my family.

I texted him late last evening, thanking him for his unnecessary sentiment, but out of respect for me, and his new relationship, he needs to not contact me. He seemed to be hurt by it - but I really believe its what I need to do for me. He doesnt want me back, he only wants to be in touch on his terms, and hes seeing someone else. For me, to be able to move on, as much as I dont want this - any of this! - I really feel I need to cut him off.

I heard from his brother yesterday - i'm missed and cared about by their family, and it kills me, as I feel the same way. My ex must have had a weird day yesterday, because he went through and "liked" comments I had made on my friends' facebook pages, and added his two cents - even when it wasnt appropriate.

I want him to come back and be my life again - but if he cant do that, I need him to stay away from me, my friends and my world.

[BradyK]

Hi LostKitten,

From what you have written it sounds like you absolutely made the right choice.

"He doesn't want me back, he only wants to be in touch on his terms, and he is seeing someone else." It seems like you know everything you need to know to make this decision. I admire your clarity!

How can being in touch possibly be good or healthy for you?  It sounds like it hurts, confuses, and depresses you. Why would you choose to do that to yourself? Do you think some connection with him is better than none at all? I understand, but isn't, truly. Not now. It just keeps you stuck and brings you down. And you are doing it to yourself.

I was in a similar situation.  I started to heal from the moment I put some distance between us and went NC. I care about him, and I may be able to be in touch with him at some point in the future. But not yet. I don't know when. But I do know I would NEVER get there without this time to grieve and heal and reflect.

Get behind your own decision! I don't know you but I am cheering for you.

[sad but wiser]

I got a Happy Easter text too, which is strange, because he knows I have a no-texting boundary with him. 

BradyK is right.  This isn't good for you.  If he has moved on and has a new love interest, all he can do is cause you unnecessary pain.

And what emotional price are you willing to pay for a good recycling?

[Vatz]

Yeah, don't contact him. What if things go too far? Remember he has a new love interest, don't be the girl that messes it up for this new person. He'll probably hurt her too, I just don't think you want to be involved in that, ya feel me?

[Pearl99]

I really feel for you. The pain of that endless push/pull cycle and knowing he is dating someone else must be incredible. Not only that, the fact that you intended to marry him makes it so much harder. I was also engaged to mine, but I reacted in the exact opposite way: immediately ending all contact. Now, I was able to do that because he exploded in a terrifying rage at me the night before. That caused me to end the relationship right away the next day; I was scared to death and actually stayed at my parents' house for a week I was so scared. So, in my case, I was able to cut the cord and never look back. I still love him and hate that I had to abruptly end the relationship and shut him out. However, knowing the relationship is dead and remaining in contact has got to be more painful. In most cases, I would guess we don't stop loving our ex fiances after the break up -- even if we officially ended it. That is even more reason to cut the cord -- and I know it hurts like nothing else to do that, but it's the only way to heal. If we still love them, it will kill us to know what's happening in their lives -- whether they are moving on, crying over us, hating us, or just indifferent. It's all too painful. I think you need to let him go. Somewhere deep inside I'm sure he knows you loved him and tried your best.

[lostkitten]

I really feel for you. The pain of that endless push/pull cycle and knowing he is dating someone else must be incredible. Not only that, the fact that you intended to marry him makes it so much harder. I was also engaged to mine, but I reacted in the exact opposite way: immediately ending all contact. Now, I was able to do that because he exploded in a terrifying rage at me the night before. That caused me to end the relationship right away the next day; I was scared to death and actually stayed at my parents' house for a week I was so scared. So, in my case, I was able to cut the cord and never look back. I still love him and hate that I had to abruptly end the relationship and shut him out. However, knowing the relationship is dead and remaining in contact has got to be more painful. In most cases, I would guess we don't stop loving our ex fiances after the break up -- even if we officially ended it. That is even more reason to cut the cord -- and I know it hurts like nothing else to do that, but it's the only way to heal. If we still love them, it will kill us to know what's happening in their lives -- whether they are moving on, crying over us, hating us, or just indifferent. It's all too painful. I think you need to let him go. Somewhere deep inside I'm sure he knows you loved him and tried your best.

Thank you. It's been pure hell. I ran into an old mutual friend (of both of ours) last night, and we discussed things. Everyone was shocked when we split, and hearing some of the details on how things went down, were shocking to everyone. The one thing that everyone keeps telling me - and I know its true - is that I deserve better, even though I love him. I deserved to be properly "dumped", I deserved to have a serious discussion with my ex (not one months after the fact), and he couldnt even do that - he ran. He's still going to be running, while i'm taking time to sort myself out and heal. Did I deserve this? No. Is there a reason, or will there be one day, that I see why I had to experience this? I hope so!

[sad but wiser]

lostkitten - The lessons are priceless and you can only learn them the hard way.  You will help others who need you, just wait and see.  (And I'm not talking about BPD others)

[lostkitten]

lostkitten - The lessons are priceless and you can only learn them the hard way.  You will help others who need you, just wait and see.  (And I'm not talking about BPD others)

I had a big discussion with the same friend last night, about current relationship problems he's having, and it all seemed so clear-cut to me what he should do, and how they're both feeling. He told me I was an immense help - it just seems like i'd be SO good at a relationship again, with all this clarity ive had,  but the only guy I want? Hes the BPD ex.

[BradyK]

Give it some time, LostKitten. Your feelings for the BPD ex will change. Just focus on you for awhile and what gives you relief and makes you happy -- like talking to friends as you did last night. It helped me to remind myself of the sad and hurtful things in my BPD r/s, along with grieving for the good things. Everything started to shift after awhile, once I got some distance from him.

[Vatz]

I sorta know how you feel about only wanting the ex.

It's hard to let go of someone you've cared about for so long.

I told her I was done, but part of me still wants her back, like really really bad. But will it be healthy? No. Will I feel that way in a few years? Probably not.

You know?

Like people are saying, it'll take time.

[mango_flower]

Why do they DO that?

Why do they give you those mixed signals about missing you, but when you talk about getting back together they're just like "errrr no".  It's not cool and it's unfair.  My ex did this to me shortly after she'd left.  Absolutely NO intention of getting back with me, but liked to text random things such as "This song came on, reminded me of you xxx".  It's like they're just thinking out loud and feel the need to share when it's completely not appropriate.

You're going to be so much better off in the long run. I know it hurts now but short term pain, long term gain and all... .   x

[Vinnie]

Lost Kitten and others,

I can so relate to you.  

Feel very fortunate that you have the choice to go NC!  My stbxW invited me over to her place on Easter morning to do an Easter egg hunt for our S9. Our grown kids tell me to stay away from her, because she served me divorce papers last month yet she still reaches out to me and wants me to be there for her when she's upset or needy. Not as husband and wife, but as ex's - long time friends as it were.

But I went for our son's sake but ended up spending the day with her, just the three of us.

I know what ya'll are going through -- it's heart wrenching! The reason she is divorcing me after 20 years is, she fell in love with another man. It's only been three months since I found out, and I'm still very hurt, but for some reason I'm not angry enough to hate her. (That's messed up I know... .   sometimes I think something has got to be seriously wrong with me; wouldn't a "normal" person just give her the finger and walk away?)

Then she came over Monday night to pick up our son, but she laid down on the floor because she was feeling sick. So I asked her if she wanted to crash in the bedroom instead of trying to drive home, and I'd sleep on the couch. She said, "I know that's inappropriate, but I might have to take you up on your offer."  I said, "Why is it inappropriate, because we're divorcing?"  She sort of grimaced and answered, "Why do you always have to throw that dig in there?"  :)IG?

What I really wanted to ask was, "Is it inappropriate because you are in a relationship with someone else?" (The strange twist of it - she's married to me but she's being unfaithful to THE OM by keeping an emotional connection to me?)

What makes it harder is that she and I had always been VERY sexual around each other, constantly flirting and touching and basically in a constant stage of foreplay. When I hear her voice on the phone (so long as she's not ripping me a new one) I instantly become aroused. It's unnerving and annoying. When I see her I have to watch myself constantly not to forget she's off limits to grab, hold, kiss, etc.  Now neither of us is touching or seducing the other. Even though I know I could succeed to seduce her if I tried, she hasn't taken ALL my self respect.  And I don't want an STD.

So be glad if you can go NC or LC.  Ripping the band-aid off quickly hurts bad now but has got to be less painful over the long haul!