Engaged Ex - Setting me back...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just when I think I'm over my BPD exgf she gets engaged yesterday. At first I laughed it off but I think today I'm really feeling it. Today, she fb chatted with me and then called me... . we had a civilized conversation where I basically told her she was making a mistake. She actually doesn't seem 100% on it either but is obsessed with marriage so probably will do it.

They've only been dating 3-4 months and we broke up 4 months ago. Her and I would still kiss and she would sleep over up until 2 weeks ago when I said I was done with being her 2nd string. She seems pretty checked out with me since she doesn't think I'll ever marry (we only dated 5 months and I need more time). Felt like I was making progress but this definitely sets me back. Maybe its because I don't see her reckless side anymore and only the good side. It makes me question everything. Is she BPD... . or maybe she just drinks a lot and that causes the problems. Its weird... . I don't really want that relationship back anymore... . really only because I don't think she wants to change... .   it was full of emotional cheating and alcohol abuse... . but I also don't want to see her get married either. Feel a lot more lonely and in limbo... .

[me757]

Just when I think I'm over my BPD exgf she gets engaged yesterday. At first I laughed it off but I think today I'm really feeling it. Today, she fb chatted with me and then called me... . we had a civilized conversation where I basically told her she was making a mistake. She actually doesn't seem 100% on it either but is obsessed with marriage so probably will do it.

They've only been dating 3-4 months and we broke up 4 months ago. Her and I would still kiss and she would sleep over up until 2 weeks ago when I said I was done with being her 2nd string. She seems pretty checked out with me since she doesn't think I'll ever marry (we only dated 5 months and I need more time). Felt like I was making progress but this definitely sets me back. Maybe its because I don't see her reckless side anymore and only the good side. It makes me question everything. Is she BPD... . or maybe she just drinks a lot and that causes the problems. Its weird... . I don't really want that relationship back anymore... . really only because I don't think she wants to change... .   it was full of emotional cheating and alcohol abuse... . but I also don't want to see her get married either. Feel a lot more lonely and in limbo... .

[sad but wiser]

Hi me.  That greeting is so funny, because all of our stories are so similar that I do feel like I'm talking to myself sometimes!

Yes, one step forward, two steps back.  Let her go.  You are worthy of a real relationship.  It is just your hurt pride that wants to make her admit that this new guy isn't as good as you. 

[me757]

I know I should let her go... . its hard because at least around me she has been acting a lot better. I'm sure nothing has changed. Its awful... . the good side of her is so perfect for me... . then her issues kill it. I haven't felt a stronger connection with anyone else... . but its also so scary to try to commit to her with the worry of her cheating, drinking and being incredibly needy. Remind me never to date again.

[hithere]

If she is engaged I am not sure why you are still thinking in terms of a future between the two of you... .   even if you lured her back, what do you think the future would have in-store for you?

Trying to talk her out of it pretty much commits you to marrying her (I bet she sees it that way).

Get therapy and move on, you probably dodged the biggest bullet of your life if she is BPD/alcoholic.

[sad but wiser]

I agree with hithere me. 

[Clearmind]

I do know it hurts me757 – I have read this many times on the board. Whether she gets to the altar or not……let's think about what you would want for you - rather than her pulling at your heart strings - lets inject a bit of truth.

Hypothetically if she wasn't BPD and you were trying to decide if this was a woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with - you were weighing it up and seeing if you are compatible for a lifetime commitment.

Would it bother you that she would come over to your place to kiss and cuddle with you – when she is with someone else (and now engaged)?

Lets say it didn’t bother you and you declared your undying love and got engaged and were willing to set all that aside. At what point do you think in your relationship with her would you start to question if she was now kissing and cuddling with someone else – and that person wasn’t you – how would you feel?

me757, I hope you see my point here – when we are looking for a prospective partner to spend our life with we need to look at their actions - what they do to someone else they will sure enough do the same to you - in time.

Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect - would you agree that this maybe lacking in your current siutation?

If a lovely, genuine lady caught your attention and she found out that you were kissing and cuddling an ex – what do you think she would do? If she is healthy, she would say “thanks me757, it was lovely to spend time with you, however I will not be placed in the middle of a drama triangle and value myself too much to be caught up in this” – and exit stage left.

[me757]

Thanks for the replies. I've been away from the board for about a week and just read the comments. Its very strange... . I feel like I'm completely over this girl now. The first day or 2 after she was engaged was a shock and then suddenly I was at peace. Maybe I was having a hard time expecting her to get engaged the last month. Its a complete joke. She's already told me that she's very nervous about it and having doubts. I've simply stopped caring and for the first time in the break up I feel ok to be alone. The spell is broken. She is already trying to very very subtly re-engage... . calling me by a nickname she used to call me on gchats. I just don't care. I'm actually glad she got engaged because now I know she is BPD.

Thanks for the support guys.

[paperlung]

Who the heck gets engaged after only a few months of dating? I'd have to be exclusively seeing somebody for years before considering that. No wonder divorce rates are so high.

[me757]

People with BPD do.

[sad but wiser]

Me - Yep BPD people do.  And people who fall for BPD people because they start believing in "love at first sight."  And people who are quite young and think their lives need to move at a certain pace.  And lonely people do.  That doesn't make it smart!

[me757]

Sad that now we have to be a little more cynical and cautious with love. Unfortunately, this new guy was having so many problems with her just 3 months in that he is going with the "she'll get better once she's married" route.