What percentage of time have you or do you spend thinking about your ex?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've read many posts where members have mentioned at times they could do little else as they had thoughts about their ex almost always on their minds.

There were times it just felt to be as close to a 100% of the time as possible... . Unless i was very busy and with people, my mind would return to so many ways of thinking and re thinking things.

Right now, I am in a dangerously good place with her... .   after a brief return to hell. But I have been communicating much differently with her... . I discuss many things in relation to her being BPD as well as my part of the dynamics... . but I NEVER say the words BPD or get very specific.

She is responding well... .   and no matter what ultimately happens, I know this should have been the way we tried long ago.

I'm focused on healthy positive changes in my life... .   and she's always been encouraging... .   working out, working on fun projects, cooking, socializing... .  

She is really shaken up a bit in her life and how after she came here she's getting some hard and good lessons... .   she's working hard as she can wiht her anxiety which really is the root of the problems.

It's hard to explain exactly what I am doing here... . I told her tonight (lightly) to please stop proposing to me... .  

As I have spent so much time here and rethinking things,, in some ways (but not all), she is just less appealing, that much of the fantasy or dream is clearly gone... .   That's a big statement... .   In fact, it's down to where it should have been... . I'm certainly not desperate... . I am not going to get to close to fast... . I dont want to be so pessimistic but if I were any different it would be crazy.

I guess I am caring less and looking forward to a near future... .   that is closer to whatever normal is or just pulling the last of that baby tooth out after playing with it forever.

(It's somewhat embarrassing to be posting this here... .   but I am afraid to commit to the other forum for 'trying to work it out" seriously.

please... .   no "I told you so's" when it all falls to sheet... .  

[Hurt llama]

I've read many posts where members have mentioned at times they could do little else as they had thoughts about their ex almost always on their minds.

There were times it just felt to be as close to a 100% of the time as possible... . Unless i was very busy and with people, my mind would return to so many ways of thinking and re thinking things.

Right now, I am in a dangerously good place with her... .   after a brief return to hell. But I have been communicating much differently with her... . I discuss many things in relation to her being BPD as well as my part of the dynamics... . but I NEVER say the words BPD or get very specific.

She is responding well... .   and no matter what ultimately happens, I know this should have been the way we tried long ago.

I'm focused on healthy positive changes in my life... .   and she's always been encouraging... .   working out, working on fun projects, cooking, socializing... .  

She is really shaken up a bit in her life and how after she came here she's getting some hard and good lessons... .   she's working hard as she can wiht her anxiety which really is the root of the problems.

It's hard to explain exactly what I am doing here... . I told her tonight (lightly) to please stop proposing to me... .  

As I have spent so much time here and rethinking things,, in some ways (but not all), she is just less appealing, that much of the fantasy or dream is clearly gone... .   That's a big statement... .   In fact, it's down to where it should have been... . I'm certainly not desperate... . I am not going to get to close to fast... . I dont want to be so pessimistic but if I were any different it would be crazy.

I guess I am caring less and looking forward to a near future... .   that is closer to whatever normal is or just pulling the last of that baby tooth out after playing with it forever.

(It's somewhat embarrassing to be posting this here... .   but I am afraid to commit to the other forum for 'trying to work it out" seriously.

please... .   no "I told you so's" when it all falls to sheet... .  

[mtmc01]

I'd say about 94% at this point 6+ weeks out... .  

[Hurt llama]

I'd say about 94% at this point 6+ weeks out... .  

Seriously?

I think one of the most amazing things about discovering this place is reading so many stories that in many ways sound similar.

I would rate my time thinking about her, not necessarily continuously but at each point in my day that my mind would not be on a specific task... .   almsot constantly returning back to thought... . not all good thoughts of course either!

I was in therapy (which I am really proud that I stopped actually) and complaining and feeling like a crazy person that i was thinking of her over 80% of the time... .

I am glad I was able to recognize that although therapy has been a wonderful resource in my life, that i have spent many positive years on and off was in this case not helping any more... .   in fact it was hurting.

[just_think]

I'd say about 94% at this point 6+ weeks out... .  

Same. It's feels so wrong.  My mind is just consumed and no matter what I do, I can't seem to stop.  Usually it's replaying scenarios that happened, analyzing behaviors or planning strategy for inevitably running into her again. None of these things are necessary but my mind won't shut off about it.  This week, I burned all the notes, gifts, etc... .   it was cathartic but it still didn't bring me peace.

My only respite is when my mind is totally occupied with some task at hand.  I no longer can have "alone time" with my mind though. For someone like me, that's a very, very bad thing.

[Hurt llama]

Here I am giving 'pointers'... .   oh the irony!

I'm the same as you guys... . and at my peak it felt like over 100% of the time.

Then I made sure to find a much worse gf... .   younger, prettier and not BPD but NPD... .   I did really like her, even felt love... . but it was so absurd and so much pain, in all ways it was worse than my BPDgf!

I did this actually in many ways intentionally and I am serious... . and the therapist in her way encouraged it (long story) but I played out so much of the drama in a different ludicrous way that it completely eradicated my concern about my ex.

It took quite a bit of work to unravel the NPD and to find peace with her... .   she's a good person and I grew quite a bit and learned a lot through this horrific experience.

I learned I wasn't feeling worthy of a normal nurturing relationship... . my ex was 10x better in most ways but not in the most important way.

And I finally peacefully ended the NPD and am that much stronger and I am not going near one of those again... .   or BPD... . no way.

My ex, yes I will see... . I will play this out a bit more but I am freer than i have been in a very long time.

Whatever you all do... .   don't be like me!

=====

more seriously though... . I went on a date very recently with a wonderful girl... . just so great and fun... . certain things might make it hard for a match... .   but... . i must say that when i was with her... .   i was not thinking about my ex (either of them)... . and I am finally certain... . that no matter what,,I can and will find a great partner... . I have paid the price and it's my turn. i know this is brutal stuff... .   but as they say... .   'whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger"

[VeryFree]

Close to 100%, but not looking back positive.

It has mainly to do with the upcoming divorce and her continuing tries to make my life miserable.

[Hurt llama]

Close to 100%, but not looking back positive.

It has mainly to do with the upcoming divorce and her continuing tries to make my life miserable.

ugh... .   few things are harder than divorce... .   I went through one... .   i guess it was as civil considering as possible, although cost me umm... .   lets change the subject... . .

a few weeks ago, I seriously thought I was crazy in how much mental energy i can expend on either my ex or my other ex... .  

what will i do with my free time when I finally stop?

[laelle]

Not really a healthy question Hurt.  If we werent thinking of them, your post just made us. 

[mtmc01]

Doesn't just being on this forum mean we're thinking about them? 

[laelle]

or bored? 

[clairedair]

Bored - I'd pay to be bored just now 

I got back with ex one new year and when we wished each other a happy new year, I said I really hoped it would be a boring one (ie no dramas).  Think he left 3 times that year.

I am grateful for this post as I've just been writing about how frustrated I am that he is taking up my thoughts and energies when I have an important interview tomorrow. 

It's really helpful to know that others are similarly afflicted.

Wonder what percentage of time they are spending thinking about us!

[VeryFree]

Wonder what percentage of time they are spending thinking about us!

Interesting question.

I think my stbBPDxw is spending a lot of time thinking about me. Not the same way I am thinking about her, but thinking of ways how to make my life more miserable, how to get more money from me, how to blacken me any further.

Negative energy.

[laelle]

Wonder what percentage of time they are spending thinking about us!

As much as I would love to know the answer to this question, I think any answer would hurt me deeply.

He thinks about me always or never.  I will still hurt.

[Blessed0329]

Laelle: "He thinks about me always or never." Such a true statement. My ex feels things so much more intensely than I do, but for briefer periods of time.

As for how often I think of my ex, it seems he is ever present with me, the first thing I think about when I awake, the last before I fall asleep. Now, there are times I become engrossed in something for two or three hours (a movie or sporting event, playing with my grandson, etc) and afterwards realize, "wow, I haven't thought about ex for two or three whole hours."

[Wooddragon]

Probably 50 per cent of the time 6 weeks out from a very half baked recycle or 10.5 months from the "real" relationship. I keep reminding myself that "he doesn't think/feel the same way that I do" ie he thinks of me zero percent of the time because he is too busy with my replacement/s

[clairedair]

Someone sent me a link to ':)ecember Sunlight' by the band The The.  It includes the line "You can't switch off your feelings like you switch out a light."

Obviously not been in a relationship with pwBPD 

Although I know this is common and can read people's stories here, one of the reasons I end up thinking about him most of the time is that I'm wondering how on earth he is able to be thinking about me so positively, then the good stuff switches off and, as wooddragon notes, the instant 'replacement' is getting thought about.

[lostkitten]

It's been 21 weeks ... .   and, honestly, every minute he's on my mind. The sting is fading, but the ache remains.

[mango_flower]

At first it was literally 95% of my day or stuff. Plus my dreams. 

I remember going to watch Pitch Perfect at the cinema (awesome movie!) and I counted up the number of times she popped into my head - it was over 40.  Urgh.

I'm at 5 months now and I'm going to honestly say about 20%... .  

Which is 20% too much haha.

The only silver lining is that no matter how happy she is with her new girl, she WILL be thinking of me loads - her brain never shuts up, and she just can't let things go... .  

[bondafc]

I am at eight months NC.

I have wasted countless hours analyzing and re-analyzing every weird and bizarre encounter, conversation or rage episode, trying to determine how I could have achieved a different outcome... .  

I finally realized that it's like a giant jigsaw puzzle where all the pieces fit together perfectly, but the picture doesn't make sense.

So you take it apart and start over and over and over and the final picture never makes any sense. 

The outcome is always the same. A huge investment in time and energy with only pain and confusion as the result.

[MakeItBeOver]

I'm at 5 weeks and if I'm not distracted with something, I'm thinking of her. I've been a total recluse since I left and I'm trying to motivate myself not to be so that I can flush the thoughts out and replace them with something else.