Do they get angry at you moving on?

[SarahinMA]

So, I'm wondering... .   do you think our BPD exes get angry at us for moving on?  In my other past relationships, if I ended it,  I'd wish the best for my ex- wish him happiness.  My BPD ex broke up with me- out of the blue over a year ago.  I know it was hard for him- he was emotional... .   I was too.  At the advice of others, I kept distance for a while, reaching out a couple of times.  He responded with victimization, blaming me for everything.  We reconnected once, about 6 months after the break up... .   I met him for coffee and he told me that he wanted to date others.  That was about 8 months ago and for me that was the last nail in the coffin.  As much as I still loved him, I knew I needed to move on.

Since then, I've tried to get back out there- date others, join new groups, and just live life to the fullest.  I stopped reaching out to him.  I stopped talking about him with friends.  I stopped trying to have any kind of relationship with him.  We live in a small town and have many mutual friends.  Its so strange that he is still so cold to me.  I randomly ran into him a couple of days ago on the street and it's like he looks at me with such hate.  My friends think that he still blames me- probably for everything wrong in his life.  He just always looks so sad and negative.  I know I shouldn't care what he thinks anymore, but it's always so shocking to me how I dated this person for two years and now he's a complete stranger- and how he can still hate me so much over a year after HE broke it off. 

Has anyone else had to repeatedly run into their PD ex?  If so, how did they react?  I've stopped trying to converse with him (out of self protection).  How can he still blame me when we've had no relationship for 8 months?

[HarmKrakow]

So, I'm wondering... .   do you think our BPD exes get angry at us for moving on?  In my other past relationships, if I ended it,  I'd wish the best for my ex- wish him happiness.  My BPD ex broke up with me- out of the blue over a year ago.  I know it was hard for him- he was emotional... .   I was too.  At the advice of others, I kept distance for a while, reaching out a couple of times.  He responded with victimization, blaming me for everything.  We reconnected once, about 6 months after the break up... .   I met him for coffee and he told me that he wanted to date others.  That was about 8 months ago and for me that was the last nail in the coffin.  As much as I still loved him, I knew I needed to move on.

Since then, I've tried to get back out there- date others, join new groups, and just live life to the fullest.  I stopped reaching out to him.  I stopped talking about him with friends.  I stopped trying to have any kind of relationship with him.  We live in a small town and have many mutual friends.  Its so strange that he is still so cold to me.  I randomly ran into him a couple of days ago on the street and it's like he looks at me with such hate.  My friends think that he still blames me- probably for everything wrong in his life.  He just always looks so sad and negative.  I know I shouldn't care what he thinks anymore, but it's always so shocking to me how I dated this person for two years and now he's a complete stranger- and how he can still hate me so much over a year after HE broke it off. 

Has anyone else had to repeatedly run into their PD ex?  If so, how did they react?  I've stopped trying to converse with him (out of self protection).  How can he still blame me when we've had no relationship for 8 months?

Because you once have to make the choice in your life, do we keep this person in our lives, or do we move on?

Unless you decide that either you can't let the person go yet (sometimes you want but you just can't yet) or because of course you want the person back. You will feel grudge and hatred especially if the other one (in your case you(!)) wanted to move on out of self-preservation. He can of course feel that and therefore feel this hatred toward you. To me, it seems you can't blame him for it.

When a BPD breakup exists, the pain can be so severe that once you go from all (in the relationship) you can literally feel you hit rock bottom after the r/s. And that can make you upset ... . for a very, very long time.

[SarahinMA]

It's not that I wanted to move on.  I wanted him to tell me that he had made a huge mistake and that he was so sorry for hurting me.  OR just asking how my life was going.  He never did any of those.  He never reached out.  Instead, he told me how selfish I was and how I'd turned all of our friends against him.  The last time I tried to converse with him, he couldn't even look me in the eye.  He just answered my questions in one word and walked away.   

He's never given any indication that he wanted me back.  I even asked him once if he wanted to date other people and he said "yes."  Now he's doing online dating.  So why would he be angry at me for moving on too?  Is anger a coping mechanism for BPD?

[laelle]

Anger is BPD, that and a few other things.  Its easier for him to unload his anger at you for the failure of the relationship than to internalize it... .   because he cant internalize it.

To do so, would be emotional and self death.  He is not just black or white to the world, he is black and white to himself too.  He cant accept he made a mistake because that would make the totality of his being a "mistake or bad"... . he would disappear to exist to himself.

Its easier for you to be bad and him to disappear you.

Its hard to get your head around, but its a complex disease.

[mitchell16]

My experience with my exBPDGF. during the 2 years we were together she pushed me away/borke up with me on the average of about every 6 to 8 weeks. I never moved on during those break ups. At first I chased her, would get her back and honeymoon all over. Recycle again and again. Becasue we started dating/being involved right after my divorce one of her favorite things to throw up to me was that I didnt date any other women before her. So she said she felt like my rebound girl and that I didnt really love her that much. so on the eve of one of our break ups. she was telling me that I needed to date otehr women for awhile and I would find that she was normal. LOL. anyway after about two weeks of her not speaking with me I did just that. I asked another lady out. we went on two dates, it didnt work I didnt see her anymore. BPDGF recycled me. asked me did i date anybody else while apart. I told her I went on a couple of date. can you say explosion. She went off her rocker, raging, telling me I never loved her and that proved it. just went on and on for about two weeks or so. and everytime she needed an excuse to belittle me or get rid of me. She used that one. But what was ironic was on one of our break ups she went out with a guy supposedly one time. we were broke up so I didnt make a big deal about. But whenever she would bring up that I went out with someone else I would remnind her that she did to. Her side was, that was diffrent then yours. So I think yes they get mad at you moving on. Its all about them. they can do as the please but you are supposed to sit ho,e and wait for them to grace you with their mere presence. and be glad that they did. IN my opinion anyway.

[laelle]

They dont have the ability to admit their own failures or they trivialize them, therefore it will always be hypocritical.

My ex would always say "look what you did 2 years ago."

I would say "yeah, but look what you did a month ago."

He would say "yeah but I had every right to do what I did."

[SarahinMA]

That is so interesting... .   it's like they're always looking for reasons why "you never loved them".  My ex said that to me repeatedly.  I went to a doctors appointment instead of going to his house one day after a fight, which showed I never loved him, etc. etc. 

About 6 months after our breakup, we were all out with a large group of friends.  Another guy friend came up to me and gave me a hug... .   my ex leaned down to me and whispered "you know how I feel about this, right?"  Then he proceeded to flirt with other girls in front of me and told another friend right in front of me that he was going to get laid that night. 

[mitchell16]

laelle, IM LMAO. Im sorry it not funny. but when I read what you had posted it reminded me so much of mine and how silly and makes no sense. I just ahd to laugh. Mine would pull the stuff.

her: i cant beleive you went out with someone else while we were broke up.

me: you told me to and it was just two casual dates.

her: I would never do something like, that just proves you didnt love me after all.

me: you did do it. a year ago, you lied to me about contact from your ex, boyfriend and you lied to me about going to vist your family and you went and seen him.

Her: that was diffrent I did that for us and you cant let go of the past. Your alway bringing up the past and refocusing what you did back onto me.

LMAO. When I read your post in was like reading a page from my ridculos life with her. Sorry to laugh.

[HarmKrakow]

laelle, IM LMAO. Im sorry it not funny. but when I read what you had posted it reminded me so much of mine and how silly and makes no sense. I just ahd to laugh. Mine would pull the stuff.

her: i cant beleive you went out with someone else while we were broke up.

me: you told me to and it was just two casual dates.

her: I would never do something like, that just proves you didnt love me after all.

me: you did do it. a year ago, you lied to me about contact from your ex, boyfriend and you lied to me about going to vist your family and you went and seen him.

Her: that was diffrent I did that for us and you cant let go of the past. Your alway bringing up the past and refocusing what you did back onto me.

LMAO. When I read your post in was like reading a page from my ridculos life with her. Sorry to laugh.

I however do think, non-BPD relationship or BPD-relationship or any other form, dating relatively quickly after a break up, and telling this to an ex (whether BPD or not) is in my opinion a reasonable doubt of having really loved someone at that point in time. It shows reasonable doubts of communication styles, because of course it hurts. And ofc. when there is a break up, emotions run high and you always say go date other people, we need to let go, we want to remain friends, etc. We all know from life experience sh!t like that doesn't work unfortunately.

And relating lying about an ex boyfriend visiting (i assume no cheating, if cheating its a different story ofc) to straight away dating (assumption) after a break up is a bit far-fetched because she told you to date after the break up. It shows the love was already gone for months, if not years plus, everyone knows that if you go dating straight after a break up and tell an ex, ofc. that will whether BPD or not causes reactions like; I would never do something like that. That has nothing to do with BPD, that's normal behavior.

[laelle]

His only fault was doing what she told him to do.  

Of course dating too soon is a mistake, I was guilty of it in the past as well, but sometimes we have to learn by our own mistakes.

Unfortunately we can end up hurting other people because we had not processed our grief from a previous relationship.

It was a lesson well learned for me.

Anyway, the whole point of it is that it is hypocritical for it to be ok for one but not the other.  I dont agree that it has to be a BPD thing, but they excel at it.

[mitchell16]

Oh I agree with you 100 percent. I at the time did not want to date at all. wasnt even interested in it. But after months of being told this over and over that I needed to date other women everytime she pushed me away I thought what the heck I would give it a try. I only told her becasue she asked and I did not do anything with this women. so I didnt see the harm. Im from a very samll community and i did not want her to hear it from someone else. and she when she asked I didnt want to be guilty of lying to her which would have gave her even more amunition to beat me up with later. I had found that out the hardway, by omitting things because I thought things would hurt her feelings and that wasnt important. so another case of damned if you do and damned if you dont. I thought because she was so mind set on that she was my " rebound girl" that would some how put her mind at ease that I tried it and she was teh one I wanted. Even tho she was the one that always did teh breaking up and pushing away. I never once wanted it.

I know that emotions thru a break up and such are not BPD. what i was making reference to was the no making sense with their reasoning. When she went out with the ex- she lied to me for a month about what was going on. Lied about about a family trip and to go be with him. I dont know if she ahd sex or not with him. she denied it and let it go just chose to beleive her since we was back together.

[ScotisGone74]

Just a couple of weeks after my relationship with the exBPD came to an end I check to that she had sent this big nasty email about seeing where I had got a facebook page and complaining about howI was 'friends' with nasty people we had worked together with, but that I was soo mean for not friending her.  This is after I found out about her having a guy living with her and then she told me I was too old.   They want for you to desperately hang onto shreds of them and plead, beg, and cry for them while they do Whatever they wish to, its a sick disease.   

[mango_flower]

I bet my life savings that when I move on, my ex will play it cool but inside she'll be seething with jealousy.  My friends always said how jealous she was, but I never saw it all which was strange! 

So yeah.  She'll be really angry when I move on.

I can actually HEAR her saying "See, just more proof that you never loved me! Or you wouldn't have moved on so quickly!" Arggghhh.  Their logic is just nuts.  And never mind the fact she was engaged to somebody else 3 months after her split - and she'd practically been seeing her from day 1 of our breakup... .   nope, it would clearly all be about how I have hurt her deeply by meeting somebody else... .  

Yadda yadda yadda.