I think my sister has BPD.

[xluna]

Hi everyone, I am new here. I am pretty certain my sister has BPD. I am Autistic and this complicates the issue with my sister.

My sister is almost 40 and I am quite a bit younger than she is. The issue really started when we were much younger; I was still a kid and my sister was in her late 20's. As an Autistic, I have issues with social interactions (sometimes I am non-verbal and so forth), which my sister took advantage of in a major way when I was a teenager. She used me as an excuse to treat people poorly, then would blame me for her actions. This went on for years, a sort of love/hate game of tag, where I was her best friend, her little sister, and she was always "looking out" for me. It would switch at any moment and I would suddenly be her enemy; she would turn people against me because I was unable to verbalize exactly what was going on, nor did I really understand that she was causing the problem. Eventually, I got married and moved away, and stopped talking to my sister initially. This went on for a couple of years, with her popping up on occasion, pretending like she loved me again and that she was "better" (her exact word), and I always fell for it.

My sister has been in and out of the hospital since she was a teenager, with multiple diagnoses, such as Bipolar and narcissism, but would always say her latest hospital visit or a brief stint of antidepressants had 'cured' her. When I was around 20, my sister dragged me down into a spiraling hole of depression so deep, I thought I would never get out of it. It began with her becoming obsessed with a chat room, to which she invited me to join. I joined, so stupidly I joined, and watched the events of the next month unfold in front of me like watching a horror movie in slow motion. She became obsessed with a guy (mind you, she is married) in this chat room and then, when he showed interest, became so suspicious of him that she accused him of poisoning her dog from halfway across the country. When the dog was finally taken to the vet, the vet diagnosed the dog with Parvovirus, but my sister, who was so convinced the dog had been poisoned, put the dog to sleep, yelling at anyone who would challenge her that the dog had not been poisoned, including the vet. Instead of breaking off her 'cyber affair' with the guy who supposedly poisoned her dog, she continued to bait him to try to get him to admit he was stalking her and had hired a bunch of her friends from high school to help him (she did not know this guy in any way). He finally realized she was my sister and talked to me, asking me what was wrong with her. I should have backed out of the chat room before any of this happened, but I was worried about her and thought I could, in some way, convince her out of her paranoia. Instead, whenever I told her he had spoken to me, she accused me of trying to 'hook up' with him and then said I was also stalking her and trying to ruin her life. This went on for a month, until her husband, after I desperately pleaded with him to do something, forced her into the hospital again. She called me the very next day, only 24 hours after being in the hospital, and told me that she was okay and was acting like nothing at all had happened. I accused her of being a narcissist. Her response? A six page long letter telling me in no uncertain terms how horrible of a person I am and calling me every name she could possibly think of. I cut off contact with her after that, but I still have nightmares from that month of hell.

Stupidly, I believed her again that she was "better" after a couple of years with no contact. She sought me out on a website I post on, messaging me a few times until I agreed to speak with her again. For six months, she acted like my best friend and sister, being super supportive and nice. Then she suddenly took up with another guy via a chat room and all hell broke loose again. I broke off contact whenever she announced her pregnancy by this guy (she is still married and has two other kids), as I honestly did not believe she should have another kid. Fast forward to a month after her youngest was born and she suddenly wanted to speak to me again, even though she had made no effort at all to contact me while she was pregnant. In fact, she did not even notice I had stopped talking to her she was that entrenched with all the attention she was getting while pregnant. Once again, stupidly thought she had improved, but I was wrong. This is where the current story begins and I realize this is really long, but I hope that is okay as this is the first time I have really spoken out about all of this.

Over the last few months, I have been at her beck and call. Her boyfriend (still married) is abusive, according to her (I am not even sure how true this is anymore, to be honest), but she refuses to leave him. She refuses to leave her husband, too, and her husband is well-aware of the boyfriend. Every time she has an issue with either of them, I am her go-to person for support. I have dealt with the sordid details of their sex life, her faux suicide threats (she has never attempted to commit suicide, but she will threaten it endlessly), yelling and screaming over the phone because her boyfriend will call me to beg me to get her to stop. I thought this was evidence of something severely wrong with him, because she will act like nothing is going on, but after hearing his desperate pleas, I am really beginning to question what she is saying/doing to him. She will admit little things, but then blames everyone else. She is verbally abusive towards her kids, and I have witnessed her slam her toddler down on her lap and yank at her hair. She has called the police on her boyfriend several times and he has never been arrested, but she has been threatened to be arrested for the injuries she has caused him. She constantly threatens to leave with her toddler and leave the older two with their father, whom she also verbally abuses and then informs her kids they are just like their father. She will kick her boyfriend out, then move him back in after putting everyone through hell for two weeks because she "cannot live without him." She breaks promises to her kids, lies constantly, and refuses to seek out help. She has such huge and sudden bouts of anger, ripping through anyone she comes in contact with. She has told a friend who was very suicidal that she does not have the time for her because she is too busy with her own problems, even though this friend has helped her out in so many ways. A friend of hers husband died and she refused to go see her, even though she was asked to, because she did not "feel like dealing with her."

Over the last couple of weeks, I began to become severely depressed. I was not sleeping, trying to be there for her as she had kicked her boyfriend out yet again. I was putting off everything to be the nonstop support I thought she needed, but the things she was telling me about him and what he had, supposedly, done to her were triggering me very badly. I have PTSD, which she is very much aware of, and she knows that the things she was speaking of would trigger me, but continued to talk in great detail and length about them, even whenever I tried to get her to focus on something else. Then one day she stopped answering text messages and blocked me on Facebook. I tried calling, she would not answer her phone. About two days later, she finally texts me like nothing had happened at all. A couple of days after that, she moved her boyfriend back in. She claimed she was not "feeling well" whenever I was blocked and she would not answer texts or calls, but I know what was really going on is that she was talking to her boyfriend again and did not want me to know. I ended up not being able to speak and could not communicate that I needed a couple of days. Within just a few hours of announcing she had moved her boyfriend back in, she was sending me messages that were accusing me of being "jealous" that she was back with her boyfriend. I finally found my voice, or at least my ability to type, and with the help of my husband, attempted to express to her that I had been really triggered by what she had told me and that I was really scared for her and her kids. I tried really hard to explain what I was feeling, but she has no patience at all for me, and began to actually talk about herself while I was saying that I was having a lot of issues right now outside of having felt triggered, which I told her was in no way her fault. She went on the defensive, accused me of being jealous again, and then got angry whenever I asked her if I could just have some time for myself because I needed to work out what was going on in my head. Then she began asking me if I wanted her to send me money, or whatever she needed to do to "help" me, even though I told her I just wanted some time. She agreed and I have not spoken to her in about a week. However, I had forgotten that her financial aid for school needed to be checked on, which is something she has always asked me to do, but whenever I went to log into the account to make sure everything was set, she had changed the password. I know she would make an excuse regarding why the password is changed, but I just know that this was a passive aggressive dig at me for "shunning" her and being "jealous" of her. These are the types of things she will do to prove she is right or whatever, or to say someone is trying to screw her over, or scam her. She will tell me I am trying to tell her how she feels if I ever bring up that the way she acts does not mesh with her words. I always feel like I have to walk on eggshells with her, but she uses my Autism to make me feel like I am wrong, that I am not able to assess the situation correctly.

Does this sound like BPD? Am I wrong for feeling like my sister might have BPD? Am I just wrong entirely, and the real problem is me? I do not honestly believe I am, at all, trying to tell her how she feels. I have thought about this long and hard and have watched how there is a pattern to her behavior. She is always accusing everyone, not just me, of telling her how she is supposed to feel or how she feels. I do not feel like I am pulling this out of thin air that she gets angry easily and that it is scary to talk to her about a lot of things because you never know what will set her off. Furthermore, she is so often very offensive, saying racist and ableist things, or entirely dismissing anything someone says to her, and you cannot call her out on it because she gets so angry if you do.

Sorry this is so long.

Luna

[catnap]

  xluna

I am so glad that you found us and are reaching out for answers.  We cannot diagnose here, only a qualified therapist can do that, but your sister's behavior patterns sound very familiar. 

The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder [NEW]

What is the relationship between BPD and narcissism (NPD)?

We have many resources here, boards where you can post and read about others that are dealing with family members, communication skills, how to set boundaries, and support and understanding about your situation. How can we best help you? 

Do you have a therapist to help you deal with the depression and PTSD?  Many of our members have a therapist to help them cope.

I look forward to your response.

catnap

[xluna]

xluna

I am so glad that you found us and are reaching out for answers.  We cannot diagnose here, only a qualified therapist can do that, but your sister's behavior patterns sound very familiar. 

The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder [NEW]

What is the relationship between BPD and narcissism (NPD)?

We have many resources here, boards where you can post and read about others that are dealing with family members, communication skills, how to set boundaries, and support and understanding about your situation. How can we best help you? 

Do you have a therapist to help you deal with the depression and PTSD?  Many of our members have a therapist to help them cope.

I look forward to your response.

catnap

Thank you!

After only beginning to read the links you provided, especially the PDBQ, BPD does seem to fit my sister, though I completely understand that no one can diagnose her here. My sister has said each of those statements on the PDBQ list. Those are exactly the type of things I would have to, for lack of a better term, talk her down on. She often goes back and forth between super negative and super positive, and it can be so quick that you are kind of left wondering what happened within the few seconds between.

I am really struggling with whether or not I should try to reopen the lines of communication with her or to just let things rest where they are for right now, especially since I am feeling much better. Someone in another thread mentioned "compassion fatigue" and that seems to describe exactly how I was feeling. No matter what I said or how I tried to help, no matter how much I coddled her and did things for her to try to make her life easier, she just kept wanting more and more, until I had nothing left to give. I think maybe I need help with boundaries and how best to keep the peace without being walked all over in the process? I do not want to ruin my relationship with my sister, but I also do not want to be the person who is constantly walking on eggshells and pretending to not exist. Is that possible, though?

I am currently between therapists, since my old one moved, but I am looking for a new one. Hopefully will find someone soon, but the coping skills I learned from my old one help quite a bit. This situation just kind of threw me off because I was really in the mindset that I should absolutely be endlessly supportive, which no one can ever be all of the time. She just tells me so, so much that everyone always disappoints her and abandons her and no one loves her, including her own kids, and it makes me so sad. I buried how I was feeling and ignored everything she would say that hurt, or was offensive, and tried to be that person who was always constantly there to validate her. That helped no one and I completely realize that now, but have no clue how to fix it, or if I can fix it, or, really, if I should be trying to fix it.

Luna

[Louise7777]

Hey Luna! 

Im a new member also, and I feel very relieved after finding this place. People are caring and really helpful, since we understand each others problems and fears.

Read all you can from this website, it will help you in so many ways.

If I can give you some advice is: stay away, at least for a while, like you are doing now. Keep in mind BPDs like to "stir the pot". In my experience (2 undiagnosed BPD relatives), I see they create fights and problems just to feel alive. Later they face the consequences of their actions and then go after you for help. Its exhausting. They have to learn how to deal with that, and we should create boundaries for our own peace of mind and mental health. Also, if possible, Id tell you to make your brother in law aware of her condition, so he can protect himself and above all, their kids. Children growing up with a BPD partner, no piece of cake! I believe thats the best help you can provide for her.

Take care of urself! 

[Louise7777]

Ooops, I meant "children growing up with a BPD PARENT... .   ! 

[catnap]

Luna,

As much as we would like to fix or change someone else, the only person we can change is ourselves.  While you are taking a rest from the chaos would be a good time to become more knowledgeable about the disease, and explore what type of relationship you would like with your sister that does not cause you undue stress. 

US: Do you suffer from Compassion Fatigue?

The [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board has links to the right of the page that offers lessons such as How to Manage Your Relationships. 

catnap