changing my thinking

[sadeyes]

I am not sure if this is the right board, but since I'm stayin' I figured I would give it a shot.

In working with this BPD monster, I have improved things a bit. I still have A LONG way to go, but what I have been somewhat successful at is making the confrontation shorter.

Now with that being said, there is never any real resolution, but that is my next steps.

The problem I am suffering with now is bitterness on my part. A lot of times I don't even want to deal with him, because I am so damaged right now from the past 5 years. In addition, the jealousy I am feeling inside is causing me grief. The jealousy that I am the maid and the cook while he has "eyes" for other women. I feel confident that there are no affairs, but he for sure has eyes for others that he looks up online, or flirts with. He doesn't know most of this, because telling him would only make him worse. How do I get rid of these feelings. It feels so horrible to feel so unwanted in a romantic sense by your own spouse. It is horrible to feel so physically un-desirable to your partner. I hate feeling this way, but it is hard not to when I feel like I am wanted as a maid and a cook and a mommy of a 40's man rather than a partner, a lover etc etc.

I am being eaten alive.

[briefcase]

Yes, we've all had the feeling at one time or another of being "eaten alive" by this disorder. 

Take a look through the Lessons.  There is a lot there that will help you get started. 

You sound very tired, frustraged and angry.  Of course, any one would feel this way if they felt like a maid while their husband looks at porn and flirts with women online.  ignoring this won't help him or you.  But first, you need to gain some strength and take care of yourself. 

Less maid work and more healthy stuff for you!  Eat right, exercise, do things you enjoy.  Focus more on yourself and less on the relationship and him right now. 

It sometimes helps, as you work on yourself, to remember that people with BPD are not strong and powerful creatures.  They are weak, anxious, and hurting people.  I'm not throwing a pity party for them here, just trying to keep it in context!    

[sadeyes]

Yes, we've all had the feeling at one time or another of being "eaten alive" by this disorder. 

Take a look through the Lessons.  There is a lot there that will help you get started. 

You sound very tired, frustraged and angry.  Of course, any one would feel this way if they felt like a maid while their husband looks at porn and flirts with women online.  ignoring this won't help him or you.  But first, you need to gain some strength and take care of yourself. 

Less maid work and more healthy stuff for you!  Eat right, exercise, do things you enjoy.  Focus more on yourself and less on the relationship and him right now. 

It sometimes helps, as you work on yourself, to remember that people with BPD are not strong and powerful creatures.  They are weak, anxious, and hurting people.  I'm not throwing a pity party for them here, just trying to keep it in context!    

Thanks!

I am actually leaving town for a week tomorrow. While I know there will be issues as.a result, I am actually quite happy. I will have a moment to reflect. while I don't want to leave, I almost don't see how I can stay. Yes, I have improved things between us, but I feel like I can't do the improving alone. He seems to have some NPD traits also, which makes it even more difficult. Yes, I can emotionally attach (and have done some of that which has helped), but at this point what am I getting?

Basically, I get to be the mommy/maid/cook/personal assistant/slave to a 40 something 2 yr old.

Emotional support : nope

Physical relationship: nope

Financial support : nope

Companion: only if I do something HE wants, and then usually I have to do all the prep and chores related to it in a peacekeeping measure.

So whats in it for me?

I am feeling terribly negative today. Hopefully my trip will allow me to recharge a bit, so I can come back on my A game (or at least my c or d game )

[Rockylove]

I was caught up in some very angry feelings because of my own insecurities. I had to take a hard look at why I was feeling so badly about what he does.   I know my fiance is faithful.  Our intimacy hasn't been effected by him "looking."  I was feeling like I had to compete with the photo-shopped 20 year olds!  Developing a stronger concept of my worthiness is a constant process... .   I'll always be working on it.  I had too many years of really bad messages ingrained and it's taking time to unlearn those messages that kept me from being secure in myself.  There's no magic wand. 

[healingmyheart]

Sadeyes,

I hope you have a wonderful reprieve on your week away... .   sounds like you deserve it.  

It is the bitterness and jealousy that caused me to walk away from my relationship with my ex.  I just couldn't get over it and knew it would eat me alive if I stayed.  My ex lived in my house without contributing anything financially... .   basically he was living here for free while I did his laundry and cooked and cleaned. He would text a married "friend" after I went to bed for hours... .   oh, did I mention he had an affair with this married friend before we got together and I told him I wasn't comfortable with him communicating with her.  Well, his solution was just deceive and lie   Oh yeah, I discovered there were two other women he was secretively communicating with.  He also flirted in front of me and actually apologized afterwards which tells me he knew he did wrong.  The last straw was when he was verbally abusive and raged at my child... .   enough already!

Of course, when I kicked him out he came running to me apologizing and saying he would change.  My heart wanted to believe him but my logic told me that he would continue the same path... .   he can't control himself or he wouldn't have done it to begin with.  I knew I could never trust this man.

I realize some people with BPD can and do change and they are worthy of a second chance.  My ex is in total denial so how do you get change when he thinks he's ok?

I respect your decision to stay... .   I really do.  If it wasn't for my child, I would be tempted to stay.  I still have feelings for my ex but I know I have to move forward for my own sanity.  All the best to you

[laidee]

  to you!

I am all too familiar with that thinking. And it's very hard to change. Stay strong and enjoy your trip. I'm actually quite jealous of that

[SadWifeofBPD]

I hate feeling this way, but it is hard not to when I feel like I am wanted as a maid and a cook and a mommy of a 40's man rather than a partner, a lover etc etc.I hate feeling this way, but it is hard not to when I feel like I am wanted as a maid and a cook and a mommy of a 40's man rather than a partner, a lover etc etc.

I felt this way for most of our marriage.  And, as much as I did for him, it was never enough.  He'd complain that I "don't do enough for him."  (my mom, who never was a meddler, was so tired of hearing H say this, finally said, "What more can she do for you? She waits on you hand and foot!"

Anyway, I had a few recent epiphanies that have made "leaving" MUCH easier to swallow:

1)  On Valentine's Day, I was sitting in a restaurant with one of my sons, and I was watching (spying!   ) on other couples.  What I saw brought tears to my eyes.  Loving couples where there were genuine 2-way conversations (unlike when I'm with my H and he dominates the conversation, and when I do get a chance to talk, he expresses disinterest and shuts me down.).  I saw H's "taking care" of their wives (and vice versa).  

2.  A few weeks back I severely injured my back to the point that I couldn't move, walk, sit, dress, anything. Thankfully, my son was willing and able to help me thru those four days. If I had been with my H, he would have QUICKLY tired of helping me (within about an hour) and then I would have been left helpless for the remaining days.  (he's done that before to me, including when I was 8 months pregnant and was injured.).  

3.   Since my H has been out of the home (about a month now), when I go about my day, I find myself "flinching" at times when my mind is preparing for an expected criticism.  Then, I happily remember that he isn't here.  My sister says this is going to happen until my brain "retrains" itself.  


Anyway... .   If you're a youngish person, get out.  Your life is worth too much for this.  You deserve better.  

[sadeyes]

Well I am back!.Turned out to be 6 wonderful days with my mom and extremely little bologna to deal with. My BPD did very well with the limited communication. The only "serious" conversation we have had is a sentence or two where he told me he realized he has taken me for granted. I responded, but didn't pursue any conversation.

Now back to reality.

[optimismandlove]

Hi sadeyes

Glad to hear you enjoyed your well deserved break.

Isnt it wonderful to function without intrusions.

I am also on a 6 day break with my 9yo son.

I was due home today but booked another 2 days.  I am loving this mental freedom.

My setup differs from you in that we keep separate homes.

How did you feel when you were going back?

Has your perspective changed?

[sadeyes]

It was nice! I was touring another country with no pre-arranged hotel plans or travel plans in that country. It was nice to share the decision burden. It was nice when we made a bad choice (hotel wasn't somewhere we would stay again or dinner we wouldn't eat again or got lost) we laughed about it. No blaming or arguing.

I am still stressed by the same things, but am a bit recharged to deal with it all.

I did come home to find the house a mess with all kind of stuff pulled out. In cleaning yesterday, I came across a letter written to him by his most serious ex next to me. What is interesting about this letter is I almost could have written it. She was feeling in many ways the same as I do  and complaining about the same things I would like to complain about. It actually made me feel a bit better, because of course this was not the picture he portrayed.

I think for the moment, I am also working on some things that I need to do regardless if I stay or go. But, I am also trying to reconcile my heart with my head. If I am honest with myself I cannot settle for this misery for the remainder of my life. I don't think it is in my power to make enough changes to fix things alone, and my only option will be to leave.

[optimismandlove]

Hi there

Wow, your holiday sounded like fun.  Isnt it a relief to laugh about bad choices we make.

How awful for you to come back to a big mess.

What do you think he was doing when you were away!

Whilst it may be reassuring to read the exes letter I know I would be upset to find that myself.

It doesnt seem fair that you are now having to clean up the mess he made whilst you were away.


Do you think he is possibly " punishing you" by giving you extra chores to do. to remind you of your place in the relationship?

Tomorrow I also have to return to "reality" but at least its my own home im returning to but nevertheless he will reappear in my life.

I also am struggling with finding the right words to say to "end" it.

I have always outstayed bad relationships.

I cant bring myself to "hurt" other people.

It is so hardwired.

I wish you well whatever you choose and look forward to reading more of your journey