the straw that broke the camel's back?

[Peace4ME]

Last month during a 12am "discussion" (he was ranting I was trying to sleep) my dBPDbf slammed the door 3 times in a row into the wall so hard that he put a hole through it. When he would not calm down or leave the room as I asked I told him I would call the police, and I did. They did not have to come to the house, because he left the room but it was traumatic and that night I cried myself to sleep and swore I was done. However, here I am a month later. I was so embarrassed that I would stay with him that I didn't even tell my family/friends or therapist until today. That was not the straw that broke the camels back (even though it should have been), but this may be:

Background: my dBPDbf has a rocky relationship with his parents, primarily his father who is most likely BPD (w/NPD traits) himself. For the most part his father acts like he adores me and that he is happy his son has found me. We(bf & I) are working on a household project with him (father) and I guess I said something in an email that ticked his father off. I think his father just realized he messed something up and rather than being able to admit it he wrote a nasty email to my bf basically saying I better shut up and appreciate what he is doing or he's going to tell me off.

My boyfriend admitted his father was wrong to me. He also said, “just take it on the chin and let it go. Don’t address it, don’t argue, and just accept that that is the way he is and he’s never going to change. And don’t expect me to get in the middle or stick up for you, I will always take my Dad’s side. I need a Dad in my life and if you can’t get along with him we’d need to split”

To my bf, “getting along with him” is basically bowing down and taking whatever verbal crap you are assaulted with, wrong or right. No wonder he has done the same to me. I don’t know why it was this incident that hit me so hard, but for your boyfriend of over two years who you own a house with an consider marrying tell you that he will take his father’s side no matter what, just to avoid conflict, I felt like I was punched in the stomach. This time, it was just about a household project. Think of how much bigger the stakes would be if we were married and had kids. This man is unstable, and my also unstable boyfriend is saying what he says goes.

Dumbfounded and seriously ready to run.

 

[charred]

Sounds pretty bad... . are you ready to run, or still on the fence about it?

My exBPDgf claimed I sided with my NPD dad in much the same way you described (many years ago)... .   and that was what made her abruptly dump me. However she is pretty disordered herself.

Long ago I might have stayed with someone that wouldn't back me up all the time... . but 30 yrs later... . no way. If you are in the right he should back you, if you are not... .   and its not important he might not back you, but if it is important, he still probably should back you. His parents time as primary people in his life should be waning... .   and his wife becoming the important one.

It is your call. You are describing a future full of hurt... .   you deserve better.

[Peace4ME]

Like u said, I don't expect to be backed up 100% of the time, especially if was just bring selfish or moody or if it was a 50/50 situation. But this was a self admitted, yeah my Dad may be wrong, but I will ALWaYS pick him over you whether he is right or wrong, because that is how he has to handle his father in order to keep his love. Is sick and sad. More sad that my boyfriend used his typical insult of calling me a weak baby because I will not just accept this as the way things are. He says I have some fairy tale romance in my head where love is not a pawn used to make people do what u want. I truly feel sorry for him. And I don't love him anymore.

If this were a fairy tale I would waive my magic wand and he would disappear and I would never have to hear his hurtful manipulative words again or worry about being trapped in this house we have to sell.

The reasons to leave are to many to count. The reasons to stay? Fear. Obligation. Guilt.

[charred]

My father was similar (malignant NPD)... . and ultimately everyone in my family quit dealing with him, when his mother died (my grandmother)... . we ceased all interacting. Its been 13 yrs now, and its made our life better. When I was in my 20's I was under his thumb too much to do that, so my exBPDgf may have been right about it, but I did back her when she was right... . that was the source of a really big fight, after that my dad didn't like her, and she couldn't stand him.

Sounds like you are not sitting on the fence, just concerned about how getting out will be. Hope it goes well.

[hithere]

Everyone has a different piece of straw that tilts the scales but really it is most often just an accumulation of crap and for me personally it was the realization that things would never get better and in fact have been deteriorating over time.  I was ashamed of the abuse I took and was losing myself.

[Peace4ME]

When I was in my 20's I was under his thumb too much to do that, so my exBPDgf may have been right about it, but I did back her when she was right... . that was the source of a really big fight, after that my dad didn't like her, and she couldn't stand him.

Sounds like you are not sitting on the fence, just concerned about how getting out will be. Hope it goes well.

That's how his father is, and him to an extent. Idolizes someone until they "cross him" which could be anything that ticks him off, which can happen so easily and then they are on his hate list for a long long time. This includes my BPDbf, so in order to keep his father's love and idealization, he just takes the abuse. He gives into the 3 year old temper tantrum. I refuse to repeat this with my boyfriend, and God forbid our hypothetical children. I feel bad for him, but its not my job to fix him and I've been trying long enough to help, with so little reward.

Not on the fence anymore, don't even think I love him anymore, can't wait for freedom from this really. Time to move to leaving... .  

[atcrossroads]

Sorry-- sounds awful, and it sounds you like have reached that tipping point.  It took me a  long time, but most of my "straws" came in the last year.

Straws:

-having a nervous breakdown associated with work conflict - bad emotional and physical downward spiral

-during this time, I supported him best I could while he missed a couple months of work.  He had online affairs while he was out of work that I found out about.  His justification?  I wasn't being supportive enough during his tough times.  This was a huge knife in the back.

-getting into therapy but quitting before progress was made

-acting like nothing was ever wrong (never attempted to repair damage affairs had on me)

-beginning to accuse me of cheating when I was working late

-significant increase in substance abuse - marijuana/alcohol

-huge rages, sometimes drunken - broken items, name calling, threats

-rages where he told me he thought I was trying to kill him, that he was afraid of me

That's enough, I suppose.  These straws, combined with increasing negativity toward everything including me being painted black, led to our split and soon to be divorce.