Am I egocentric?

[VeryFree]

When reading this board's I see a lot of people telling that they love there partner and because of that keep troubles. At the other side people developed hate towards their x's.

I myself at this moment don't feel hate nor love. Actually I couldn't care less about what she's doing or what is happening.

She is annoying me, but that's mainly because she touches my future.

Was she right about me? Am I just an egocentric ass that only cares for himself?

[Clearmind]

VS, some of us detach whilst still in the relationship - when it falters it comes as no surprise.

Hate is an emotion which tends to mask fear/self blame and takes the focus off the pain.

We have many members who are working on the tools to help their situation and stay. Some are working towards detaching.

Regardless we each bring our own dynamic to the relationship - have you explored yours?

[sad but wiser]

Dear Veryscared - After reading your other posts, I do not think you are merely egocentric.  I think you are probably in a self-protection phase.  My ex often said that I was always making things about me - which was odd, given the little input I had in our "conversations."  Remember that BPD projects.  But, from her viewpoint, you are egocentric.  Anyone who is not absolutely selfless and focused on her needs is egocentric. 

[VeryFree]

VS, some of us detach whilst still in the relationship - when it falters it comes as no surprise.

Hate is an emotion which tends to mask fear/self blame and takes the focus off the pain.

We have many members who are working on the tools to help their situation and stay. Some are working towards detaching.

Regardless we each bring our own dynamic to the relationship - have you explored yours?

I have explored my role in the relationship. Well I tried the past few months with a T, but because of a lot of things happening right now, I really do not have the energy to dive in it too deep. I'm trying to keep my health and stay sane... .   Looking back will come later, when things slow down a bit.

For what I can see, my role in the relationship was different throughout the years.

At first I was stimulating her to grow/seek help and let all kinds of things happen.

After that I said i didn't want to happen anymore, but couldn't keep my boundaries, so let it happen again.

At last I tried start taking responsibility for my own life and at that moment my stbxw started to detach from me.

So for now: my role was that I was a soft d*ck that didn't stand up for himself.

[VeryFree]

s b w

Thanks for your answer.

Protection fase? Could be.

Emotions are going all ways right now, about all things, but not when it concerns her.

I can get really emotional about the smallest things, which is a strange thing, because I never had that, but really don't feel anything if I think of her.

[Suzn]

Hi VeryScared. I read through some of your posts. Going through a divorce after ten years is kind of a big deal, it's a big change. Feeling emotional about little things or that your emotions are all over the place is normal right now, you are grieving the loss of a relationship. Your emotions are just under the surface and small things can bring them out. If you can allow yourself the expression of this sadness, feel it all the way through, it can help. 

[VeryFree]

Hi suzn

Thanks. I will try to feel it through, but find it annoying, that I can't get emotions about my stbx, but about everything else. I even am crying when I'm looking a sad movie. Never done that in my life before!

I would like to feel emotions when thinking of my xw. I want to feel angry at her, I want to feel sad for losing, I want to feel anything... .  

[MaybeSo]

This does sound like a form of protection; your feelings are obviously right on the surface and triggered by movies and other things, just not her. You may in a bit of shock/denial right now which we do when something is too big to process. Its getting processed with the tears over other smaller things, movies etc., this safely starts the process and makes it less big. This is normal.

[sad but wiser]

You are not broken.  You are injured.  You are healing.  It is okay.

[VeryFree]

It's not okay, but it will be okay 

It should never have happened... .  

[Maryiscontrary]

Maybe you have sprung new dentritic connections in your emotional centers. Maybe parts of your emotional centers are coming on line, neurally. Maybe thats what's causing these surprising emotional experiences.

[sad but wiser]

Mary, that is smart talk.  I remember all of that from my anatomy classes!  Yes, it is like a brain injury, so yes, that could very much be true!

VeryScared - I did not mean that it (your situation, your feelings) are okay.  I meant it is okay not to feel normal emotions.  I believe you will heal up.  I don't think it will be this way forever.

[VeryFree]

Interesting. Am going to dive in that one deeper.

[AnotherPhoenix]

VeryScared,

I'm not one to cry. I'm still not.

But in the last years, as I've learned to feel and express my emotions more, I too have started crying at movies, even animated movies like Brave, or tearing up when I'm reading a simple story to S8. That is so not like me.

I can feel that I'm crying because I understand at an emotional level what's happening with the character and/or because what's happening emotionally to the character is something that has happened to me that I'm suffering from and haven't addressed.

AnotherPheonix