In the end, gotta do it on my own

[arabella]

However from monday onwards,no more work,just silly me home alone.

Think of your recovery as being your job. As P.F.Change says, this is hard work! Dedicate yourself to feeling better, do what needs to be done in order to be well.

Sending positive vibes your way! 

[Cumulus]

I feel literally, in the literal sense of the word stupid for asking the same help to someone over and over again knowing and realizing that I could have done it myself but just needed the affirmation/confirmation. As my ex would always say, What the heck do you need that for? I don't need to tell you this or show you this ... YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS!

What the heck do you need that for? As Brene Brown says,  because human beings are wired for connection.

[HarmKrakow]

However from monday onwards,no more work,just silly me home alone.

Think of your recovery as being your job. As P.F.Change says, this is hard work! Dedicate yourself to feeling better, do what needs to be done in order to be well.

Sending positive vibes your way! 

I deliberately quit my job to work on my mental stability although I know it will be a struggle. The suicidal contemplation last 48h have been tormenting. Luckily I had a friend call me today. Other than that, every time I feel it coming up I watch this video www.youtube.com/watch?v=_o80Q4pLvTE (posted it a different topic as well). The thoughts need to die.

And yeah, i've been raised with the thought that one doesn't need help, so it goes against my FOO. Asking for help is below yourself. In today's society, also where I live in the Netherlands, people need to be able to take care of themselves and if you can't your a weakling.

So far, it's been a struggle. Good example is that my ex started talking to me tonight. I asked her; Heey did you pay that debt you have to pay tomorrow? As she had debt with a debt collection agency which she didnt pay. And then she told me;' Ooops, I forgot ... and oh Harm, I only have 110 euro on my account" ... and then I was stupid enough to say, ah don't worry, i'll pay it for your tomorrow okay?

And then ofcourse; "would you do that for me". Yes I will I said. After that she told me, send me the screenshot of that you paid (see how much she trust me?). She then told me she was going to bed and went offline but I saw her pop online somewhere else (where i was offline).

People of bpdfamily, i feel like an idiot.

[Surnia]

People of bpdfamily, i feel like an idiot.

We care about you, Harm. 

No matter how you are handling things with your exgf. LC or whatever.

We deeply care.

[HarmKrakow]

People of bpdfamily, i feel like an idiot.

We care about you, Harm. 

No matter how you are handling things with your exgf. LC or whatever.

We deeply care.

I thank you for that

Seriously, how come that people, from time to time just need a pat on their shoulder? I was always being told, you live for yourself, your own party. Make it or break it, but in the end you do it on your own. You were born alone, you will die alone.

When I see religious groups, I feel their happiness, their connections, i see the joy on their faces. They ... they do it together. Or the big families, the once with 5/6/7 kids and families with over 50 people. However, I also see the lonely outsider, the one who got raised an orphan, or has no brothers or sisters. I also see the unfairness in the world, where they knock on someone's door for help and get shown the finger and politely asked to buzz off because they are with their own family and won't let a stranger in.

I do think, nowadays, that inner circles, if you are in one, are warmer than before, but for a complete stranger it might be an enormous struggle to fit yourself somewhere in a group. A good example is going to a friend to talk about life and misery, you talk for 5 hours, you feel good, you come back home and you FEEL(!) as if nothing has changed. Although pain is something in the past and anxiety is something you have in the future, you both allow to rule your head, right now, as of this instant.

It will go away, I know. But I could also jump of the stairs and it would go away. I know there's a huge difference but still. Maybe all this what I was saying didn't make any sense, maybe it did. It's just weird to lay in ur bed, for the last 2 days on ur own, taking care of yourself, while all you were seeking for was a bit of a tap on your shoulders to prove or show that you not only exist in this world, but also matter in this world.

I dont have anything planned for this week, but at least a shopping trip 2nd week of april with a ex gf of mine to 1) get rid of all my clothes which remind me of my current ex 2) get a haircut. Other than that, i'm thinking of a huge roadtrip through America although some already told me to be careful considering crime and such.

[ScarletOlive]

Harm, humans are social beings. We need other people and rely on them. That's why we live close to each other, form communities, join groups, and have relationships. The world is unfair, but there is a lot of goodness in it too. It's okay to need people-it's normal and human. In fact, it's important and wonderful.

I like your plans! You are doing well taking care of yourself. A roadtrip across the US would be amazing. Being careful is a good idea no matter where you go. If you learn a bit about where you're going so you can avoid the worst spots, you should be safe.

[Want2know]

I asked her; Heey did you pay that debt you have to pay tomorrow? As she had debt with a debt collection agency which she didnt pay. And then she told me;' Ooops, I forgot ... and oh Harm, I only have 110 euro on my account" ... and then I was stupid enough to say, ah don't worry, i'll pay it for your tomorrow okay?

Guess what - you don't have to pay this.  So what if you told her you'd pay it today.  You can certainly tell her you thought it through, and realized that this is helping no one.  It's not helping you, and it's enabling her.  Why are you enabling her?

When I see religious groups, I feel their happiness, their connections, i see the joy on their faces. They ... they do it together.

I'm not going to tell you to find a church and just go, but that's what I did.  I felt very awkward at first, but felt the same way you do now.  This is all new to me, so I'm not quite a 'believer' yet, but it has helped me see that, yes, you can find this out there, regardless if it comes from a church, or another organized group, or a random gathering of people at a coffee house (ah, and I mean coffee, not the way of your city  ).  It's out there, my brother.  Sometimes you have to make that leap and see.

[just me.]

Other than that, i'm thinking of a huge roadtrip through America although some already told me to be careful considering crime and such.

I think this is a really great idea!  I love road trips, and I've been on plenty of road trips throughout the US without any trouble at all in terms of crime or my safety.

I'd suggest checking this out:  www.greentortoise.com/adventure.travel.html

I did the two week "Southern Dream" trip across the whole US, and it's very strange, and very cool.  There were 40 of us from around the world all spending our days and nights in the back of a 35-year old bus.  All the seats were ripped out, and so we all just slept on one big mattress that filled the whole floor.  We'd do barbecues on the side of the road, and explore caves, lagoons, sand dunes, hot springs, canyons, and a lot of cities as well.  The whole thing was awesome... . I saw the whole southern half of the country, met a lot of cool people, and even had this perfect two-week romance with a beautiful girl from the other side of the world.

*sigh*... . yeah... . that was nice.  That was eight years ago for me.  Right before I fell in love with my eventual ex-wife.  Ugh... . I wonder what that girl is up to now... ?

umm... . but now I'm digressing... .

haha... . anyway... . you should check it out if that sort of thing sounds appealing to you at all.  It's a nice way to have an experience that is kind of solitary and social at the same time.

You may also want to look at https://www.couchsurfing.org/ - not the safest thing in the world, I suppose, but I've always had good experiences with it.

[P.F.Change]

You were born alone, you will die alone.

I understand you are describing the mindset (not a very happy one) that was handed down to you, but have you stopped to consider whether it is true? Certainly some people do die alone. And in the sense that we don't get to do it with a buddy the way we would go for coffee, maybe in that sense we do die alone. But I have yet to meet anyone who managed to be born alone. From the moment we are conceived, we are completely dependent on another for our survival. We are literally physically connected to our mothers until after we are born. At that birth she is there, and she usually has quite a few helpers, too.

Though we may learn ways to survive on our own as we grow older, we remain a highly social species and need to feel connected to others. Part of living societally is helping others meet the needs they can't meet on their own AND allowing others to help us where we may be lacking. No man is perfect. We all need others--sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less.

Is there anything you would rather believe than the messages that have been given to you? What would it be like if you believed something else?

When I see religious groups, I feel their happiness, their connections, i see the joy on their faces. They ... they do it together. Or the big families, the once with 5/6/7 kids and families with over 50 people. However, I also see the lonely outsider, the one who got raised an orphan, or has no brothers or sisters. I also see the unfairness in the world, where they knock on someone's door for help and get shown the finger and politely asked to buzz off because they are with their own family and won't let a stranger in.

I do think, nowadays, that inner circles, if you are in one, are warmer than before, but for a complete stranger it might be an enormous struggle to fit yourself somewhere in a group.

It sounds like you are identifying with the "lonely outsider" right now. I get that... . You are right that it is not always easy to find a place in a group when you are the "stranger." Sometimes it takes a little effort, sometimes a little luck. But you can make a group for yourself... . even just inviting your mates to grab a pint all together... . or if you don't have mates, sitting at the bar and introducing yourself to the chap next to you. One of my favourite friends is a woman I met randomly at the playground; we met up a few times after that and then she invited me to join a playgroup she belonged to. I didn't particularly connect with many of the other mothers, but I had a regular social interaction with other adults, and I was thankful every week when it was time to see them. Can you do something like that for yourself? There are websites where you can find interest groups, maybe join one of those? Anything you'd like to learn, like a hobby or a language? Also, nothing wrong with visiting a church even if you aren't religious. You might meet someone nice.

FWIW I think you matter a great deal. Look how many people care about you just on this site alone!  You deserve a pat on the back and a shoulder to cry on when you are lonely and sad. Nothing wrong with needing comfort or connection.

It sounds like you are taking care of yourself even while things are still hard. Keep that up. You are about to turn the corner. 


PF

[arabella]

The idea of churches as being a good place to find a sense of belonging is a good one. If you aren't necessarily drawn to a traditional church, have you considered other, similar groups? I grew up in a Christian-dominant culture but I always knew it wasn't quite right for me personally which made things a struggle. You have some time - why not explore other cultural groups or religions? Believe me, they would more than welcome your inquiry! For example, some Buddhist theory posits that each of us are both entirely alone yet entirely connected, not individuals but part of a greater whole - I find this comforting. There are similar teachings among Wiccans (fascinating religion/culture if you're interested). Muslim culture also has some beautiful tenets that may resonate with you. Of course, the list of possibilities is endless - these were just a few off the top of my head.

Or consider checking out communities of ex-pats from North America in your current country - great way to make friends, get the inside scoop before you travel, maybe even score some hook-ups for places to stay or people to meet up with if you decide to venture across the pond.

Just some ideas. I know how hard it is to break in to new social circles. You sound like an amazing person - I have no doubt that once you find your niche you will be surrounded by more friends and support than you can likely handle! 

[Phoenix.Rising]

"And yeah, i've been raised with the thought that one doesn't need help, so it goes against my FOO. Asking for help is below yourself."

I was raised with a very similar mindset, but this is a lie!  We all need help!  That is part of the human condition.  I still struggle today with asking for help sometimes, but I am much better than I used to be.  The old John Wayne mentality is a bunch of BS.

All of us on this board are asking for help in our own way, and that is a sign of great strength, not weakness.  Asking for help and being willing to accept help and change ourselves takes great courage.  Doing nothing and living with the status quo is not a sign of strength in my opinion.  That is called giving up.  Don't give up.   

[Amber3]

Harmkrakow,

What helped me recently is OTH's suggestion in this thread to watch Brene Brown's talks on YouTube. She was just on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday also which I watched on the internet. She talks about how when we are vulnerable and telling someone who listens and validates, then that's when the most meaningful connections can be made between people... . we all want to be understood. This makes a big difference in our day. Asking for help, sharing your feelings is absolutely a strength and your thread here has helped me, though you have no way of knowing that til now.

[C12P21]

I was always being told, you live for yourself, your own party. Make it or break it, but in the end you do it on your own. You were born alone, you will die alone.

The idea of being the lone wolf sounds fairly typical of our modern mindset but in reality the people that survived through the ages were those that functioned within the group. Think about it, we are hard wired to connect, bond and protect our families, and our community. If humans lived for themselves, mankind would have died out long ago. The pat wisdom of you are born alone you die alone is just that... . an utterance without real contemplative reflection of the human experience.

It's just weird to lay in ur bed, for the last 2 days on ur own, taking care of yourself, while all you were seeking for was a bit of a tap on your shoulders to prove or show that you not only exist in this world, but also matter in this worl

d.

Understandable, your feelings are understandable. You do matter, those on this board that are rooting for you, that have walked the journey you are on right now, understand and are here to tell you,  you matter.

C