Enabling vs helping

[arabella]

waverider - more good advice! Yes, you're right, focusing on the short term, or on individual issues, often backfires. I am guilty of doing this far too often and, when I catch myself and look at the big picture, I feel much more centred and confident. Part of my problem right now is that my H has only been in this state of dissociation for 4-5 months, so comparing anything to 6 months or a year ago is kind of hard. BUT I have been trying to look at things as they relate to the future - not tomorrow, but a month or a year from now. Sometimes perspective is everything, isn't it?

Blazing Star - I think a more intensive cup-filler is definitely in order. This is not something I'm good at (I suppose it's good that at least I know that). My H and I are separating at the end of this month (his plan) so I know I have hard days ahead with him gone, it makes me reluctant to give up time now. It feels like the end approaching. My detachment skills obviously need some work... .  

I've taken up hot yoga (it's cold where I am). Got an unlimited pass for the month so that I could really immerse myself. I thought it might help and I've always wanted to try it. I do enjoy it, but it isn't enough. I added gourmet herbal tea. I pulled out the fancy soaps and candles. I started eating more treats (I'm losing weight due to anxiety so I figure no time like the present to eat cake for breakfast). Now I'm looking up therapists (I tried one already but he was awful) and I found a codependents anon group that I think I might check out next week. I'm hoping something helps.

I don't really have any extra money to spare and I can't venture too far as I am job hunting and volunteering to gain some experience. What I really want is a hot sandy beach (don't we all? )... .   I don't think I have any friends who have quiet space atm but I like that idea! Any other ideas or suggestions? You seem to have some great ideas and I'm all ears!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Blazing Star]

Blazing Star - I think a more intensive cup-filler is definitely in order. This is not something I'm good at (I suppose it's good that at least I know that). My H and I are separating at the end of this month (his plan) so I know I have hard days ahead with him gone, it makes me reluctant to give up time now. It feels like the end approaching. My detachment skills obviously need some work... .  

I've taken up hot yoga (it's cold where I am). Got an unlimited pass for the month so that I could really immerse myself. I thought it might help and I've always wanted to try it. I do enjoy it, but it isn't enough. I added gourmet herbal tea. I pulled out the fancy soaps and candles. I started eating more treats (I'm losing weight due to anxiety so I figure no time like the present to eat cake for breakfast). Now I'm looking up therapists (I tried one already but he was awful) and I found a codependents anon group that I think I might check out next week. I'm hoping something helps.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Which is great.

I am wondering about your feelings about the separation (sorry if I have missed threads about this, I don't know your whole story). So I am wondering if perhaps there are some deeper feelings here that need to be explored, allowed, released?

All the self-care stuff is wonderful, from personal experience I know that it can sometimes be a way of avoiding feelings. Not that you should stop doing any of the self nurturing, just be aware of and dialogue with some feelings too. Your therapist will help you with this when you find one you click with.

What are your thoughts? And also, what are your feelings over the separation? Do you think that the reason your usual feel-good activities aren't working could be because there is some deeper stuff going on?

Love Blazing Star

[arabella]

Blazing Star - thank you for continuing to help me with this!

You're right, I am rather swamped with emotions regarding the separation right now. I know that's what's at the root of my burn out. I am hoping that once the separation happens I'll be able to relax a bit. I spent a lot of energy trying to figure out what was going on, walking on eggshells, panicking over the practical aspects of separating, grief over the loss of my relationship, trying manage my dBPDh's crisis state (emergency medical attention required, etc), and then trying to deal with my own emotions surrounding everything. It was/is too much. I honestly don't even know what I feel anymore. I'm completely overwhelmed. So I was trying the self-care as a buffer, trying to soothe myself enough to function. Of course I'm fighting a losing battle with that one, but it's the best I can manage atm.

So... .   All of this sort of led into my pondering the boundaries of helping vs enabling. I was looking for a line in the sand to try to keep myself from drowning. I don't think I've quite found my balance. Again, maybe it will become clearer once my H is gone? Or maybe that will do me right in, I'll hit rock bottom, and then I'll find my line on my way back up? I don't know. I do know that my current coping skills aren't working!

[Blazing Star]

    

Blazing Star - thank you for continuing to help me with this!

You're right, I am rather swamped with emotions regarding the separation right now. I know that's what's at the root of my burn out. I am hoping that once the separation happens I'll be able to relax a bit. I spent a lot of energy trying to figure out what was going on, walking on eggshells, panicking over the practical aspects of separating, grief over the loss of my relationship, trying manage my dBPDh's crisis state (emergency medical attention required, etc), and then trying to deal with my own emotions surrounding everything. It was/is too much. I honestly don't even know what I feel anymore. I'm completely overwhelmed. So I was trying the self-care as a buffer, trying to soothe myself enough to function. Of course I'm fighting a losing battle with that one, but it's the best I can manage atm.

So... .   All of this sort of led into my pondering the boundaries of helping vs enabling. I was looking for a line in the sand to try to keep myself from drowning. I don't think I've quite found my balance. Again, maybe it will become clearer once my H is gone? Or maybe that will do me right in, I'll hit rock bottom, and then I'll find my line on my way back up? I don't know. I do know that my current coping skills aren't working!

It's great you are looking at all of this. It does sound like something that will just need to be gone through in whatever shape or form it takes. I think that pulling back some more and allowing yourself some safe space to really feel the emotions might help. Keeping the focus on yourself. How would it feel to let go? To stop resisting and go to the depths of the swamped/overwhelmed feeling... .  

Scary perhaps, of the fear that you wouldn't be able to cope?

Could you play with this a little? Create a nest in your bed, or other safe space (even dressed in your fave comfy clothes and take a drive in your car, park somewhere in nature where no one else is, take a journal, a warm drink, some comfort tools). And give yourself permission to really feel these feelings? To cry, lament, sob, yell, whimper, whatever needs to come up.

And then do some self care stuff before returning to the real world, even if it is just kind talk to yourself like you would a friend who was feeling these things "Honey, it's okay, let go, it is all going to be okay, I love you... .   "

And how is the therapist search going?

Love Blazing Star

[arabella]

Oh, I so needed those hugs! Thank you!

Every once in awhile I wallow. I've had a few meltdowns since this all started - the sobbing to exhaustion, the full drain out, the sappy emails to myself, etc. I think some yelling might be good, I'll have to find a space for that one where the police don't end up coming to investigate!

I really like your idea to purposely create a time and space for this activity. It sounds like it might be more effective, more mindful rather than just desperate.

I may have found a therapist... .   I need to book an appointment. To be honest, it scares me, and that's holding me back. I'm going to make the leap, just have to talk myself up to it! I also have a limited number of sessions to use through my insurance, so that makes me nervous too, I know I'm wasting sessions in my search process. So frustrating! My H agreed to go to at least the first session with me, at the T's request, so that at least this T will have a bit better idea as to what's going on. That makes me nervous too - I don't know if just going will cause him to dysregulate further. Eggshells.

[Rockylove]

I really don't have anything of substance to add... .   just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and sending lots of cyber      

[Blazing Star]

I may have found a therapist... .   I need to book an appointment. To be honest, it scares me, and that's holding me back. I'm going to make the leap, just have to talk myself up to it! I also have a limited number of sessions to use through my insurance, so that makes me nervous too, I know I'm wasting sessions in my search process. So frustrating! My H agreed to go to at least the first session with me, at the T's request, so that at least this T will have a bit better idea as to what's going on. That makes me nervous too - I don't know if just going will cause him to dysregulate further. Eggshells.

Normal feelings, the fear. I felt this too, and like you my sessions are limited, so I just spread them out.

Be brave, take the leap! You are worth it!

And re those eggshells - put your power boots on, the ones that you feel a million dollars in, then put your favourite tune on loud in your ipod and walk/dance away - you won't feel or hear those darn eggshells!



Love Blazing Star

[arabella]

Rockylove - thank you! Sometimes a  is just as good as words! I just need to keep moving forward. One step at a time, one step at a time... .  

Thanks, Blazing Star! As always, your pep talk and positivity are very welcomed! I definitely need to pull out some boots... .  

[jedicloak]

"... .  that is what I have to be content with and learn to validate his feelings of accomplishment in completing A and B.  Just as I would with a child... .    because he is, in many respects, a child." -rocklove

I just stumbled onto this thread today and every post is as good as the one before... .  it's going to take a while to go through all this - but I have SO many questions about what is being said here... .  such as the above comment... .  is this REALLY true? Or are we enabling by treating them... .  and expecting so little of our significant other? I read Melody Beattie's book a lot and she says people are not so helpless as we make them out to be. I know this is a complicated issue! I really do get that. But at the same time, maybe people in our lives are living (or barely living) up to our low expectations? I dunno.

Maybe if we stopped picking up their slack we would find they can do it. Maybe I'm the delusional one? Please comment all you awesome people.

-jedicloak

[arabella]

I'm not sure if it matters if it's true or not, jedicloak. I validate the good because that is helpful. I've stopped with most expectations because I realized that my expectations are just that - mine. I may want my H to do certain things or behave in a certain way but, ultimately, I have no control over whether he complies or not. So I'm trying to let go. He is who he is and he's going to do what he wants. I'm not going to get upset when he doesn't live up to my random expectations.

This is different than boundaries though - there are some things that I need in order to make maintaining this r/s worthwhile for me. If he crosses those boundaries then I will leave. I don't expect anything these days, but at a certain point I'll just walk away. It's not up to my H to fulfill some fantasy role I have dreamed up in my head but, on the other hand, I'm not going to stay in a r/s that I get nothing out of, or that tramples my boundaries, either. (Disclaimer: bear in mind my boundaries are still sort of vague... .  I'm working on this!)

Right now I'm at a stage where I just tell him he can do whatever he wants - but it's up to him to deal with the consequences on his own, I'm not going to be bailing him out (enabling), and I'm not sticking around for abuse either. So he can live up to his own expectations and set those at whatever level he sees fit. And I notice his behaviour is improving... .  hmm... .  

[jedicloak]

I've stopped with most expectations because I realized that my expectations are just that - mine. I may want my H to do certain things or behave in a certain way but, ultimately, I have no control over whether he complies or not. Right now I'm at a stage where I just tell him he can do whatever he wants - but it's up to him to deal with the consequences on his own, I'm not going to be bailing him out (enabling), and I'm not sticking around for abuse either.

I hear/read what you're saying clearly. BUT, ok, there is a but, is it healthy to be in a marriage (or whatever) and not have expectations of our SO? I mean isn't that what a partnership is or have I got that messed up to? Maybe I'm not supposed to have expectations except that they respect my boundaries, get treated with dignity and respect and in return I'm "supposed" to love them for who they are, and they me? Maybe the whole problem is our expectations in marriage OR is it, that I am not holding them accountable to my reasonable expectations in marriage? AUGH! Maybe because there is no "right" answer - or maybe I just don't know what it is.

How can we have a marriage where one person is just running around doing what they feel like? If I wanted a child, wouldn't I just adopt? Just asking the questions... .  curious what you think?

[arabella]

Jedicloak, you sound just like me! I keep looking for answers but I suspect that the real improvement comes with the process and even just asking the questions.

I think of a partnership as each person contributing their own pieces to a larger whole. I am still me whether I am in a r/s or not. I behave like me, I react like me, I love like me - no amount of expectation from my H is going to change that, I'll just get frustrated in trying. I treat him with dignity and respect because I want to, not because he expects me to or because I am "supposed" to. It's not a trade off either. I will treat him with dignity and respect regardless of how he treats me - because I am the type of person who treats others with dignity and respect.

Think of it this way, perhaps your boundary is that you will not be in a r/s with someone who does not treat you with dignity and respect (however you define that). It's not that you expect your partner to behave this way, it's that if he doesn't, you will leave.

How can we have a marriage where one person is just running around doing what they feel like? If I wanted a child, wouldn't I just adopt?

If you think about it, everyone always just runs around doing what they feel like all the time. It's just that what I feel like is maintaining my friendships and social status and so I therefore behave in a way to facilitate that. I do what I want - sometimes that means helping my H, sometimes that means I have to let him fall in order to preserve myself. Setting expectations, or 'goals' for our partners to meet, actually sounds a lot like parenting to me.

So now what do you think? (I think this is a really interesting topic!)

[jedicloak]

Think of it this way, perhaps your boundary is that you will not be in a r/s with someone who does not treat you with dignity and respect (however you define that). It's not that you expect your partner to behave this way, it's that if he doesn't, you will leave.

Setting expectations, or 'goals' for our partners to meet, actually sounds a lot like parenting to me.

Oh those are particularly insightful! I'm going to ponder that.

[waverider]

This is different than boundaries though - there are some things that I need in order to make maintaining this r/s worthwhile for me. If he crosses those boundaries then I will leave. I don't expect anything these days, but at a certain point I'll just walk away. It's not up to my H to fulfill some fantasy role I have dreamed up in my head but, on the other hand, I'm not going to stay in a r/s that I get nothing out of, or that tramples my boundaries, either. (Disclaimer: bear in mind my boundaries are still sort of vague... .  I'm working on this!)

Important point, two clear issues

1 Boundaries to protect you well being

2 Relationship rewards. Even if no boundaries are crossed and and dysfunctional behavior resolved, the question remains what are you getting of a RS?

It is entirely feasible that even with successful therapy and resolution of issues, you end up like strangers with too little in common to justify a RS. There still has to be a point to it.