YOUR stories, MY anger

[nylonsquid]

Hi everyone,

wanted to share with you not only my thoughts but my feelings as I read through your stories. Firstly, thank you all for sharing them. I'm over 2 months out of the relationship and have been doing quite well. I don't think about HER but more of the dynamic I had and what it meant. I still try to unravel and I still discover things. Its exciting

Now about the stories I'm reading. I read how much pain everyone is in and the confusion that's left for all to figure out. How the pwBPD has caused so much chaos and broken so many people. There are so many questions asked, lots that I've gotten answers to, thankfully. But something new has popped up. As I read through the stories I get upset, instead of sympathetic. I used to think, 'wow, how tragic this BPD thing is. Its sad on both sides of the relationship'. Now its different. I find myself siding with the partner and getting upset at the actions of the pwBPD. I find my focus shifting to the injustice put on the partner and angry at what we have put ourselves into. Why and how did we do this to ourselves? I'm upset at how we were okay being taken advantage of for being human, being manipulated and controlled for our empathy. Being discarded like trash. I'm seeing a change in my attitude. One that finds me getting the strength to be upset about what happened to everyone. I want to give you all the strength. I no longer have any care towards the other side.

I've realized that this anger I'm feeling FOR the people with the stories is really a safe way for me to see myself. I can really see myself as a person from the outside through your stories, who was taken advantage of and abused in many ways. A big part is because we were/seemed kind and gentle. We gave so much that we are left asking "Are WE BPD?" If your sanity is being tested, get up and realize how many punches you've been taking. How much we rationalize for them and give them excuses for, frankly, being terrible.

I'm upset at how she could do such despicable things to one who wanted to give love. How dare she reward me by telling others I was abusive, manipulative, controlling and a cheater? She called me a ___, an assh*le etc. What did I do? Give love and support. Being in my body and head I sympathize with her pain. As an outsider, seeing it through your stories, it angers me.

I'm following the Jodi Arias trial and seeing how a person's whole history and character being challenged. He is being accused to be a manipulative person. I feel angry towards the lies and deception. Remember when you gave love and he/she didn't feel its enough? You try harder and they start calling other men and see their availability? They dump you and tell the new 'love' how terrible you are. How the first kiss was terrible. How you guys never had much of a sex life. And so on. How do you feel about that? I hate it.

Thanks for your stories and helping me find my anger.  Please, treat yourselves well.

[Maryiscontrary]

Of course, I get angry with a dear friend who puts up with a bunch of sh!t from the various men in her life. I mean, I see her great potential  squandered. I am pissed at my mom, who is dead, that she put up with this ~ from my father, over and over and over.

There are really, really crappy, crappy CRAPPY people in this world. We just perpetuate it if we tolerate it and enable it for one minute.

I mean, there are people that need to rot in hell, why are we holding them up? Let them reside in their proper home.

[Surnia]

Its a good thing to realize the own anger. Anger can make us feel stronger. On the other side we can get stuck with it. For me is often helpful to think about anger and action. What can I do to make things better for me?

Sometimes I have delayed anger. I feel a lot of anger but hours, days or even weeks later. I have to go back into the situation and I find often that I let others overstep my boundaries. Sometimes it is to late for direct action. Time for self talk: Okay Surnia, this was not so good. You were not aware that here is your fence. Lets put a red pile here and you will try again, next time earlier.

[theboro504]

A buddy of mine keeps saying to me, "you aren't angry enough yet", he's right. But I am getting there and little by little I am starting to realize that I deserve to get back to me the love I pour out. It's really not that hard to do. Thanks for writing this.

[nylonsquid]

Surnia, by seeing more clearly from the outside I get upset. And when that happens I get strength. What I do with it is turn it into something positive for myself and never look back. I can see through others' stories what I had already been through and it pains me to see sometimes. Luckily, I'm not an angry person and it fades rather quick. I guess it comes in spurts.

My fantasy scenario right now is her calling me up and me pretending I still love her and setting up a date. I don't show up. She would rage and I apologize and set up another date. I block her number and I don't show up again. I know this stuff would pain her. Yes, it would give me pleasure 

Sounds so childish 

[blecker]

There is another post about anger here today.

Some have said that a bit of anger can be good. I think so too, like a bit of read meat. Too much and things start to harden.

For me, I was taught to see my anger as fear. I was told that when I became angry for whatever reason, I was to ask myself, "What are you afraid of?" Often this excercise would bring me closer to the real feelings that were seeding my anger.

Knowledge is power and with just a little bit I was able to move past much of my fear.