Fear of being institutionalized?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Was anyone else always afraid of being institutionalized? I developed severe OCD patterns as a small child, and was constantly sick with worry I'd be found out and put in a mental hospital against my will. The one time she "busted" me when I was 8, I was subjected to a rage fit and what I consider physical abuse (she kept dragging me closer and closer to her by the elbow and would not let me go) until I "explained myself".

She actually had the same disorder, and was furious I showed the same symptoms.

Any normal parent would have been like, "Looks like you have a problem, lots of kids have this, let's maybe talk to your pediatrician".

So she not only raged at me, but also failed to get me help. I was certain that if I stepped out of line, I'd be viciously punished. I had a gut wrenching secret life for hiding my illness, including specially selected clothing and tamper proof trap doors in furniture for my journals. Multiple teachers called me into their offices in school to ask if things were ok at home, and I always lied to them because I didn't want them calling her. I knew she'd come up with some sickly sweet, overly concerned act, and I knew deep down all of my problems were Her.

I also ended up in therapy after failing miserably to assimilate into the adult world. I was dumped by my first love, for being a jerk. I was grasping at straws trying to fit in to the world, and his family was also screwed up pretty severely. It was a wreck. So she forced me into therapy when I was 18, then tried to sit in on my intake.  She tried to override to whole session to be about "how my father just suddenly left us for no reason what so ever".

Nothing about how she'd been throwing tantrums at my rental house, how she was hoarding, how she'd been stalking me at work and making me responsible for all of my parent's legal paperwork, pulling me out of class with her own suicide threats, etc. Between the boyfriend and her my life was hell. Then that awful shrink went outside to talk to her about "her options" for "dealing with me in an inpatient facility". I was a legal adult, and she had no business even being there. I heard them talking through the door. I had a suicide sheet I was supposed to fill out, and I frantically erased all of the answers. I was terrified that insane woman was going to weasel herself a position where she would be involved in my care.

I grew up feeling I was constantly about to be thrown under the institutional bus as a scapegoat for the rest of the family. I was not an unmanageable problem child; I was a straight A student with severe stress behaviors. I was relieved whenever my medical care was routinely neglected, because I didn't want other adults turning any care over to her command.

[XL]

Was anyone else always afraid of being institutionalized? I developed severe OCD patterns as a small child, and was constantly sick with worry I'd be found out and put in a mental hospital against my will. The one time she "busted" me when I was 8, I was subjected to a rage fit and what I consider physical abuse (she kept dragging me closer and closer to her by the elbow and would not let me go) until I "explained myself".

She actually had the same disorder, and was furious I showed the same symptoms.

Any normal parent would have been like, "Looks like you have a problem, lots of kids have this, let's maybe talk to your pediatrician".

So she not only raged at me, but also failed to get me help. I was certain that if I stepped out of line, I'd be viciously punished. I had a gut wrenching secret life for hiding my illness, including specially selected clothing and tamper proof trap doors in furniture for my journals. Multiple teachers called me into their offices in school to ask if things were ok at home, and I always lied to them because I didn't want them calling her. I knew she'd come up with some sickly sweet, overly concerned act, and I knew deep down all of my problems were Her.

I also ended up in therapy after failing miserably to assimilate into the adult world. I was dumped by my first love, for being a jerk. I was grasping at straws trying to fit in to the world, and his family was also screwed up pretty severely. It was a wreck. So she forced me into therapy when I was 18, then tried to sit in on my intake.  She tried to override to whole session to be about "how my father just suddenly left us for no reason what so ever".

Nothing about how she'd been throwing tantrums at my rental house, how she was hoarding, how she'd been stalking me at work and making me responsible for all of my parent's legal paperwork, pulling me out of class with her own suicide threats, etc. Between the boyfriend and her my life was hell. Then that awful shrink went outside to talk to her about "her options" for "dealing with me in an inpatient facility". I was a legal adult, and she had no business even being there. I heard them talking through the door. I had a suicide sheet I was supposed to fill out, and I frantically erased all of the answers. I was terrified that insane woman was going to weasel herself a position where she would be involved in my care.

I grew up feeling I was constantly about to be thrown under the institutional bus as a scapegoat for the rest of the family. I was not an unmanageable problem child; I was a straight A student with severe stress behaviors. I was relieved whenever my medical care was routinely neglected, because I didn't want other adults turning any care over to her command.

[XL]

I didn't seek help for my OCD thing until I was in my late 20's, and even then I paid cash under the table for CBT. I just could not commit to billing it to a traceable insurance record or written check.

This woman has severely traumatized me.

[Kwamina]

HI XL,

This is yet a again a very good post about something I can very much relate to. I’m very sorry to hear that you still feel so severely traumatized by her. I'd like to say that after reading a lot of your posts I actually think you're doing a great job trying to deal with all these problems. Your insights are very helpful to others too. I understand how it hurts and sense that you still have a lot of anger inside of you but I can also see that you’re really doing your best to heal and are also helping others on here.

When I was 12 years old I realized something very strange was happening to me, my mind felt very different. Later I realized I was severely depressed but I tried to hide this from others because I was also very afraid of being institutionalized. My mother was the big problem in my life. Her crazy behavior affected me in a very negative way, while she didn’t seem bothered by her behavior at all. In her mind she was normal and I was the crazy one. When I once confronted her about her behavior, she denied everything and actually said that I was crazy and should be treated by a psychiatrist! This stunned and really hurt me. For a while my mother had actually been treated by a psychiatrist, but that didn’t help one bit because she was still in denial about herself. When I was about 16 my mother was shortly treated by a psychiatrist but after he got sick and died, she didn’t seek any further treatment by anyone else. In her mind her psychiatrist falling ill was a sign that she shouldn’t do this or that everything always goes bad for her. In her mind there’s nothing wrong with her but everyone else is crazy.

[XL]

When I once confronted her about her behavior, she denied everything and actually said that I was crazy and should be treated by a psychiatrist! This stunned and really hurt me... .   In her mind there’s nothing wrong with her but everyone else is crazy.

That is a very difficult thing to wrap your head around as a child, isn't it? It's hard too, when you're little and do know you're sick. There is some truth there.

I was always terrified that the cure was going to be worse than the disorder once she started meddling in it, and I suspect that even at 7 I was right.

[chriskell]

Another interesting topic. I wasn't afraid of being institutionalized because I don't think I understood this concept as a child. I was dragged around to therapists and the gynecologist to "help" me deal with the sexual abuse I supposedly suffered at the hands of my father. This eventually led to hypnotherapy which I found very scary and which did not uncover any repressed memories of sexual abuse. For a long time, I was so embarrassed because for several years I actually believed I was repressing this abuse by my father. Then I realized I was just a confused child. Fortunately, because I am sane, I never lost sight of the difference between the actual memories and the ideas that were placed in my head by my mother and a bad therapist or two (this was the 80's so repressed childhood sexual abuse was a hot issue). I also have paid for a lot of therapy with cash.

[Babysteps]

I never had a fear of being institutionalized, but I also worked on my mental health myself. My uBPD would never pay for a therapist for me.

I understand your fear. Mental institutions have a very negative stigma right now. The media blasts makes them sound dreadful. Yes, some might not be the best, but they aren't that bad. The whole strapping you to the chair and drugging you up is a stereotype. That may happen in severe cases, but not for an abuse victim that has OCD. As long as you don't punch anyone, you should be fine.

I really doubt they will even forcefully institutionalize you for OCD. They only force institutionalize people when the person is an extreme danger of him/herself or others. Even if that's the case, they typically can only hold you for 2 days unless you do something that proves you need to stay. Basically, as long as you don't punch someone or get arrested, you should be fine, even if some really odd unusual situation happen were you are actually forced to be institutionalized. You are 18 years old. Your mom cannot force you to stay at a institution.

Now, don't fear going to an institution. Like I said above, it's not that bad. They can actually help you a lot! Find the right one with the right program, and you'd be surprise what one can do. One of my best friends was brutally physically abused when she was in elementary school. Her biological mother was sent to jail for it. She then lived with her dad and step-mom, who were emotionally abusive towards her. She started self-harming herself and was eventually sent to an institution (since she was a minor and her parents had control over that). But, the institution actually helped her a lot. She hasn't self-harmed since. I know a few other friends who chose to be institutionalized, and that helped a lot too.

I would definitely at least look into seeing a therapist. Like I said above, since you are over the age 18, your therapist cannot report your BPDparent without asking you. With your therapist, you can find different programs that work best for you. It might be a support group, a few coping methods session/programs, classes, or maybe institutionalization. Think about how some alcoholics get help. It's not illegal to drink, and there are a lot of people who go to rehab by choice. But some alcoholics don't need rehab and they go to AA. Some alcoholics go to sessions on how to control the amount you drink. If they go to rehab by choice, they are welcome to drop out anytime. Alcohol isn't illegal, so the rehab cannot force you to stay there against your will. It's the same thing with being institutionalized. You can leave anytime you want. Plus, if you go there by choice, the faculty know that you are willing to work with them because you want to get better. Having both parties on the same team tends to lessen the stress of it.  

[ScarletOlive]

XL, I'm sorry you went through this. It must have been very frightening to struggle with OCD while keeping the struggle hidden as a small child. After having the T talk to your mother even when you were an adult, it's no wonder this was a fear for you.   OCD does have both genetic and environmental factors that play into it. It's not like a person chooses to have obsessive thoughts or compulsions; since it's based in the brain, it's not like one can just "cut it out".

You are processing a lot of tough things. I know it's really tough, but it is so excellent for your healing. How did CBT work for you?

[Santa Clara]

I didn't suffer from OCD but I suffered from terrible depressions as a teenager and well into my 20s.  I was also an academic achiever and very stressed. 

I would never have admitted my depression to my family, I think I was frightened I would be put on drugs and condesceded or as you said maybe even institutuionalized.  My depression was a great shame to me.

In my early 20s when I moved to another country I started to do a lot of personal growth work plus yoga every day, meditation and no drugs or alcohol. 

This path away from depression took about 10 years, but it worked  .  Now the only times I get depressed for real is when my mother goes into an attack on me.  But the depression doesn't last long (it used to be a constant) and I have amazing support and a life I am very proud of. 

I do understand the impression of feeling powerless and that things will be used against u instead of to help.  It is very frightenning. 

Big hugs.

[chayka]

When I was a kid, my mum's worst threat was that she'd send me to a psychiatrist. It was presented as a really serious punishment, and she certainly succeeded in making me very afraid of it. I'm not entirely sure what I thought the psychiatrist was going to do to me, but I guess that was the worst part of the fear, not knowing what would actually happen.

I was also severely punished (extreme verbal abuse) for displaying OCD symptoms - as if I'd done something absolutely disgusting and filthy. The most awful thing about it was that my grandma (mum's mother), who lived with us, had very obvious OCD symptoms too, and never received anything but kindness and sympathy from my mum!  It was like my gran was the golden child and I was the black-painted one; also, she was allowed to behave like a child (and often did) while I was expected to behave like an adult.

I think that when you get punished for expressing your distress as a child, it sends the suffering into a kind of feedback loop so that things just get worse and worse. Thank goodness we all survived those horrors and are able to be here today and talk about it!

XL, I'm so sorry for all that you've suffered.    But it really sounds as if you are on the path of healing now.

And thank you so much for posting this! I find it very hard to talk about my OCD (which is a lot better, but still there). I still have a lot of shame around it, and it's very liberating to read about similar experiences.

Chayka

[XL]

When I was a kid, my mum's worst threat was that she'd send me to a psychiatrist. It was presented as a really serious punishment, and she certainly succeeded in making me very afraid of it.

Yeah. And honestly, a competent child psychologist would immediately start fishing around for the whole picture. They blocked that interaction to hide the dysfunction.

Have you tried any cognitive behavioral therapy? I found it useful, though I'm realizing my behaviors are just the visible tip of a 'stress iceberg', so to speak.