Just can't accept it

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, six weeks out from her leaving and possibly even being with someone new, I can't accept this reality. I have to move from California to Ohio in 5 weeks, and the finality of that makes me even more desperate to try everything I can before I leave. Rather than trying to "accept" this and "move on", I have felt more and more like I don't want to leave anything unsaid or undone before I leave. I sent her a very heartfelt text last night, to which she has not responded (she has been ignoring me). I paint and play a bit of guitar and write songs, so I'm going to paint her a picture of our puppy that she took and write some songs. Yes, these things aren't "moving on", but I feel that at least when I move, I won't be left thinking, "well what if I'd just tried THIS... .   " I don't think I will break down the barrier she has created or change her thinking much, but is it really so bad to TRY?

[mtmc01]

So, six weeks out from her leaving and possibly even being with someone new, I can't accept this reality. I have to move from California to Ohio in 5 weeks, and the finality of that makes me even more desperate to try everything I can before I leave. Rather than trying to "accept" this and "move on", I have felt more and more like I don't want to leave anything unsaid or undone before I leave. I sent her a very heartfelt text last night, to which she has not responded (she has been ignoring me). I paint and play a bit of guitar and write songs, so I'm going to paint her a picture of our puppy that she took and write some songs. Yes, these things aren't "moving on", but I feel that at least when I move, I won't be left thinking, "well what if I'd just tried THIS... .   " I don't think I will break down the barrier she has created or change her thinking much, but is it really so bad to TRY?

[BradyK]

Hi mtmc01 -- I really really feel for you. I remember feeling this way so clearly. Your post makes me get all weepy.

"I don't think I will... .   change her thinking, but is it really so bad to TRY?" My thought is this: it might be bad for YOU. You are putting yourself in a position, mentally and emotionally, where you are begging for her love and attention, her validation. You are not that desperate! You're not! No one is that special that you need to demean yourself that way. Right now you think that in the future you will kick yourself for not trying everything possible to get her back. Is it possible that in the future you will kick yourself for this very same thing? You might feel better if you kept your dignity intact and kept your reserve.

Look, we've all been there. This is exactly what I wanted to do, too!  My ex was engaged by 6 weeks out, and I still wanted to beg him to come back to me. ! I'm so glad I did not. And even in the short term, it made me feel more in control to not do this. It raised my own self esteem.

Paint pictures and write songs if it helps you grieve. Just don't send them to her. It helped me to write what I was feeling and bargain with myself: "If I still feel the need to send this in 9 months, I will." So glad I did not send any of it!

This is just my opinion based on my experience. I only give it to you in the spirit of trying to help!

[trampledfoot]

You are not that desperate! You're not! No one is that special that you need to demean yourself that way. Right now you think that in the future you will kick yourself for not trying everything possible to get her back. Is it possible that in the future you will kick yourself for this very same thing? You might feel better if you kept your dignity intact and kept your reserve.

Look, we've all been there. This is exactly what I wanted to do, too!  My ex was engaged by 6 weeks out, and I still wanted to beg him to come back to me. ! I'm so glad I did not. And even in the short term, it made me feel more in control to not do this. It raised my own self esteem.

Brady K

Thank you this is great to hear thsi from someone who has been there before. At what point in your seperation and NC from him did you finally fully realize this person was bad for me and I dont want him back at all?

[BradyK]

Trampledfoot --

For me there was no "aha!" moment. It was a process and very gradual and I had to work at it.  I would say at 7 months NC I felt more like my old self and it stopped running my emotional life. It's almost a year NC now and I still struggle sometimes -- that is why I am here. And this was only a 6 month relationship.

Post split we were LC, and it was comforting, but the contact kept my hope alive that we would reconcile. Then 3 weeks later I found out he was engaged -- not from him! -- and I just withdrew. No big NC declaration was necessary. It was all so surreal. I did want to beg him to come back.

It helps me to think that one of my posts may have helped you!

[mtmc01]

I guess I don't view it as desperation or something to be looked down on. I didn't beg in the message I sent or even ask for her back. I just stated my love. And by giving her a meaningful painting, I feel I am doing the same. Yes, it shows I am still thinking about her... .   I want her to know that. In the end she thought I didn't love her as much as she was loving me. If she trashes the painting, then she trashes it. But... .   what if it actually DID make a difference? What if it reached her?

[BradyK]

Hi again mtmc01 -- I think I misunderstood your first post. You used the phrase "desperate to try everything I can" and I got the wrong idea. I certainly don't look down on you or anything you have written! And I apologize if I came across that way!

Do you want her back? Or do you just want to assure her that you really did love her? Or do love her still? Why do you want to do this? What would be the outcome, ideally?

Speaking for myself only, in hindsight I see that every communication I had with my ex after we split up only kept me trapped in my confusing feelings for him. It didn't help me, though I thought it would. I have no way of knowing if it helped him or confused him or annoyed him or what.

[mtmc01]

I still do love her very much, and I very much would want to get back together, but she has given absolutely zero indication of being open to any reconciliation. It's complicated further by the fact that her family is nuts, her mother loves that she left me because she never wanted her moving, and that she's immersed herself in Chistianity to the point where it's almost delusional compared to how she was talking when we were together.

[HarmKrakow]

I still do love her very much, and I very much would want to get back together, but she has given absolutely zero indication of being open to any reconciliation. It's complicated further by the fact that her family is nuts, her mother loves that she left me because she never wanted her moving, and that she's immersed herself in Chistianity to the point where it's almost delusional compared to how she was talking when we were together.

Remove Christianity for outgoing partying and we got the same ex gf brother.



And yes, I want my ex back. I do, but my goodness, she is changed so much it's scary. It's like I was living with a monster hidden in a cage.