Convincing Others You are No Longer the Messed Up Kid

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So am realizing now that my uBPD mom managed to brainwash me completely so that I have strained relationships with everyone.   My husband says that I have been emotionally abusive to him, and when I really think about it he is likely right.   I'm sure being married to me has been a lot like being married to my mom---and clearly she was abusive.  Since I learned how to behave and think according to how she thought and behaved I can see how this happened.   Everything I did was to be of benefit to her.   I left my husband multiple times thinking he was the abuser.   I'm thinking now that any close relationship reminded me of my "marriage" to my mom, so therefore since I was in denial of her abuse; I concluded that he was abusive.    Rather now I think he was probably depressed and frustrated that the wife he thought he married turned into his hellish mother-in-law. 

Because I've left so much, mutual friends are now encouraging my husband to cut his losses and let me go.    Last week we had the best week of our entire marriage---because I felt hopeful for the first time of finding myself and seeing the world in a more positive light than I ever had before.   

It's frustrating to me that nobody seems to understand that I've left/done terrible things because of terrible training.   Now that I want to make changes, there is no support (other than this board) because everyone is so quick to cast away the abused child.   Why is society so judgemental?   "Once troubled, always troubled," is a terrible sentence to live with.   

Have any of you lost friends then managed to redeem yourself with them?  If so, how did you do it?

[OnlyChild]

So am realizing now that my uBPD mom managed to brainwash me completely so that I have strained relationships with everyone.   My husband says that I have been emotionally abusive to him, and when I really think about it he is likely right.   I'm sure being married to me has been a lot like being married to my mom---and clearly she was abusive.  Since I learned how to behave and think according to how she thought and behaved I can see how this happened.   Everything I did was to be of benefit to her.   I left my husband multiple times thinking he was the abuser.   I'm thinking now that any close relationship reminded me of my "marriage" to my mom, so therefore since I was in denial of her abuse; I concluded that he was abusive.    Rather now I think he was probably depressed and frustrated that the wife he thought he married turned into his hellish mother-in-law. 

Because I've left so much, mutual friends are now encouraging my husband to cut his losses and let me go.    Last week we had the best week of our entire marriage---because I felt hopeful for the first time of finding myself and seeing the world in a more positive light than I ever had before.   

It's frustrating to me that nobody seems to understand that I've left/done terrible things because of terrible training.   Now that I want to make changes, there is no support (other than this board) because everyone is so quick to cast away the abused child.   Why is society so judgemental?   "Once troubled, always troubled," is a terrible sentence to live with.   

Have any of you lost friends then managed to redeem yourself with them?  If so, how did you do it?

[byasliver]

I went through years of what you describe but a bit different. Growing up my brother wasn't considered "the good kid" but he was portrayed as always needing more because he was treated harshly by our father. The truth was that my mom was (still is) a high functioning alcoholic (and I now suspect uBPD). As I entered my teens and adult years I made tons of mistakes but eventually turned things around. Yes, there are those who would still choose to believe her misconceptions but the ones who truly matter saw through it. Ironically, now my bro has no contact with our mom, his life has only been successful by the barest of threads but my life has been positive and productive. The truth will prevail eventually. All the lies my mom told about our father and my brother eventually were brought out in the light of day and didn't stand up.

I have to really commend you for recognizing your own mistakes and taking action to make yourself a healthier person.  That takes tremendous strength and guts. It also sounds like you've got a pretty incredible spouse standing by you. Let that count for something. Your truest friends and family will eventually see you for the great person you are. 

[XL]

I dealt with this too. I was actually the first to be diagnosed with BPD traits, however it quickly came to light that I was repeating learned behavior.

You really should enter a therapy plan with a qualified person. Mine had a PhD with research experience in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. You have to be absolutely honest with them about the crazy things you do, and willing to change. I would say I'm 90% functional now, and know when I've stepped out of line (I still blew up and disowned a chaotic friend this year, and I'm sorry for that). I've been in a stable relationship for 5 years, and we don't fight much.

I always felt that I didn't know how to behave with other people. My emotional tool box was completely empty. I felt like the therapy really was a form of re-parenting, like "This is how you tell people you're upset without fighting, etc." (A lot of the tools are the same listed in the workshop board- DEARMAN, etc).

I wish there was a diagnosis for "secondary BPD" or something. There are ways I'm different than my mom:

-I now immediately know when I've screwed up, and am remorseful

-I don't have the same insane level of panic when people die or leave

-I was willing to admit that everything was screwed up, and was begging to be corrected. She seems to have a huge ego defense that won't let her even admit she's at fault

-I saw immediate behavior changes when I worked on my skills. I probably had a 85% remission after 2 years

She also does this thing where if I express guilt, she tries to talk me out of it. Like "I really shouldn't have said those things to my first boyfriend, I was being a jerk." she'll be like "You were totally justified". This upsets me. You have to accept blame for your role in things to find peace.

My relationship now is successful because I've loosened the control. I ultimately don't "own" my partner. If he wants to mismanage his life, do something dangerous, etc. it's not my problem. I don't expect anything out of him either. I've learned to trust that he loves me without presents, material adoration, etc. I also trust I can find my way in the world if something were to happen to him. We are actually closer for this attitude, as he trusts me to be there without judgement.

I have not tried to redeem myself with lost friends. At some point you cut your loses and accept that tracing old people down is stalking (my first boyfriend tried to contact me on facebook, and I flat out told him I was disordered and it was disrespectful to his wife and kids for me to be messaging him in private). I chalk that up to both of us being too young and crazy to make it. Sometimes you've burnt a bridge and it's not reasonable to expect forgiveness for it. You move on with healthier future relationships.

[XL]

"Seriously wanting to change" for me meant dropping $6000 on biweekly therapy over the course of a year and a half, and listening wholeheartedly when my therapist was calling me out on my crap. And she had no problem being like "normal people don't do this" There was a lot more behavior tattling and scolding than basic talk therapy involves (in DBT you have to fill out these tally sheets of dysfunctional things you did that week).

It was not a pity party of things my mom said or did (I feel like I'm just getting around to sorting THAT out, now that I've had some distance). It was very much about rewiring what I was presently doing wrong.

I have this chaotic narcissistic friend with a lot of childhood issues who actually told me "I don't need therapy, the rest of the world is wrong!" so sometimes I feel pretty good about myself. 

[OnlyChild]

Thank you for your inspirational words.   I feel much more encouraged now.   XL: 85% remission---excellent for you and very inspirational for me!  I too wish there was a name for what we are... .   Maybe then society would understand us better.  I guess the point of that is that what we experienced is so unthinkable for the average person they just cannot compute. 

Positive self-talk and recognizing our parent's "negative speak" that resides in our heads is probably the way to get out of this.   I am very encouraged by your success and support.

[XL]

I think the old psych system tended to malign kids with BPD. I view it a little differently; I didn't develop this trait in a bubble. I also don't believe it's genetic.

My mother used to tell me "arguing is what healthy families do" before launching into a 5 hour, escalating tantrum where my dad with PTSD would leave the house for a week. And I wasn't allowed to escape without arguing. It was our family's past-time and you were expected to play along with the drama. I grew up with some very skewed conflict resolution views, and a massively incorrect definition of what abuse actually was. (In her words, he was abusing her by non-violently removing himself from her screaming.)

Everyone is a little crazy. It's a problem when you start negatively effecting others, and still refuse to seek help. I can probably trace the abandonment/addict cycle back 5 generations. We have a good family record, and there are just some horrific instances of divorce, neglect and abuse. I know the cause of the behavior in my grandma, my mother and her siblings, and I see half of my cousins being the first group to reject the cycle. There are also some adopted cousins that learned the behavior.

At some point one of us has to put the brakes on the whole thing. I don't like living like that. It's madness. I am not the end product of a dysfunctional family's history, and it took me a long time to realize I was not inherently flawed beyond repair. I was lacking skills, and lacking the instruction on how and when to apply those skills. I gladly dropped a fat stack of cash and let someone sane 're-program' me, and it worked.

You can't do it with self help though. You need an objective therapist with a lot of training to guide you.