After my intense and extremely detailed and wordy first post in the 'staying' area of the board and actually believe it or not after several thousand words of frustration and anger, am getting different reactions out of my exBPD ex fiancee... .
Her responses while not exactly what I want to hear... . are much better than ever. This is not something to go shopping for engagement rings over but I do see that the way I am expressing myself combined with her SSRI medication is allowing her to do better... .
I'm not going to post the last three emails I sent her. She almost never reads them and tells me that all the time.
Here's the 'epiphany' in how I am going to continue to (rapidly actually) change what I have been doing for so many years... .
While I certainly can't 'make' her read my very thought out and usually fair and balanced and positive and specific emails, I CAN simply tell her that I understand if she can't read (this includes listening to me speak about things unless it's in 5 minute increments in which she will listen and say "I have a headache, I am going to play Scrabble, then I can't talk to her other than superficially (if even that)
this probably all sounds like raving madness but inside of myself, the shift continues at what has been a snails rate to 100x that in the last few days... .
I'm seeing a new found power or better said options for myself... . and that by giving up on getting her to 'hear me' and forgoing having to listen to her criticizing me for going over the same things over and over, there is a whole new way to go.
And I will say it here that I have just let go the last of any unneeded guilt for the date/sleepover I have arranged with an extremely attractive and sexy woman I have dated on and off or two years... . I didn't feel right about it but there is absolutely no reason not to... . I have made no promises to my ex even though she is hopeful to reunite in some deeper way and coming back here in a week... . No, this is my time... . and if she can sleep with her gosh darned 25 year older abusive (as she says) bf, break up with him 4x and sleep with me (as she did the same to me when i met her), then I certainly can have a fun filled night with an amazing woman who is not expecting any more than I offer.
Now, let's hope she shows up!
