pesky triggers

[healinghome]

i was born into a family rife with BPD and NPD.  my mother is a queen/waif BPD as is my older sister, while my father is a sociopath with violent tendencies and my younger sister a passive/aggressive NPD.  there were/are also extended members of my foo that are BPD including my late grandmother and aunt.  after reolizing the hopelessness of their disorders, and being unable to live with the disorientation from their ever changing 'realities', their splitting, walking on eggshells to try to avoid their BPD explosions and their narcissitic demands,  exhaused... .   i called time out.

all foo contact is now limited to an old email address that i rarely check.  while they are phoning on random numbers (to evade caller id), i check the number.

whats my point?... .   after 30yrs of enduring spoilt, passive/aggressive from my NPD sister, 6 months ago i told her that i was sick of her and no longer wanted anything to do with her.  i got many calls from foo buying into the belief that she was a victim and i was being unreasonable.  their denial/craziness was a real eye opener for me.  several days ago i regretfully picked up a phone call from BPDm (on a number that my caller id didn't pick up on) telling me younger NPD sister was pregnant and BPDm was beaming with joy and happiness. 

she had no understanding of my feelings toward NPDsis and how i was sick of being her punching bag and when i said i don't want anything to do with her, it wasn't said lightly, but took 10yrs of courage and confidence building to do so and was shocked when i made an excuse to leave the phonecall (which i'm proud of!).  but now i'm damn-well triggered. 

i can't work out if the trigger is from the BPD totally ignoring my behaviour and emotions as if it never all happened (which having my emotions ignored and dismissed disorientates me and causes me to question my own emotional state) or the fact that NPDsis has intentionally become pregnant in hope of distracting anyone from suspecting that she truely is passive/aggressive and i called her out on her behaviour.  or even to try to control me again and get me to call her, which won't be happening.  but more importantly, how do i get untriggered?

healinghome2, x

[Kwamina]

i can't work out if the trigger is from the BPD totally ignoring my behaviour and emotions as if it never all happened (which having my emotions ignored and dismissed disorientates me and causes me to question my own emotional state) or the fact that NPDsis has intentionally become pregnant in hope of distracting anyone from suspecting that she truely is passive/aggressive and i called her out on her behaviour.  or even to try to control me again and get me to call her, which won't be happening.  but more importantly, how do i get untriggered?

healinghome2, x

I understand how invalidating it must be for you having your emtions ignored like this. Your sister's behavior is frustrating indeed and the reality is that she probably isn't gonna change anytime soon. I think you made the right choice by distancing yourself from your family. If they wanna live this way and believe all the lies that's their problem, but you don't need that drama in your life. It might make it a little easier for you if you keep in mind that this is just the way they are, they aren't normal people, they're wired completely differently. This is a difficult reality to deal with, i'm still struggling too, but accepting this reality will make it easier and prevent you from getting triggered every time they do something crazy. I basically now expect my uBPD mom & sis to misbehave, it's their nature. I've basically given up the hope that they'll ever change and be a real mother and sister.

[GeekyGirl]

I'm sorry, healinghome.   

i can't work out if the trigger is from the BPD totally ignoring my behaviour and emotions as if it never all happened (which having my emotions ignored and dismissed disorientates me and causes me to question my own emotional state)

I think you're on to something here. Your feelings are being ignored, which invalidates them. That could be triggering. We all want to be heard and understood (even people without BPD want that), and from what you've said, your needs haven't been met.  At the same time, it sounds like your mother's call and the news of your sister's pregnancy stirred up some emotions too. Both could bring up some strong reactions. Was there something your mother said that has really resonated with you and brought on stronger feeling than other comments?

It's important to look at what triggers us so we can best prepare for them and react appropriately to them. That lessens the effects of the triggers over time. What helps me when I've been triggered is to look for healthy ways to express what I'm feeling--exercise is one. Laughing helps me too, so talking with a friend or watching a funny movie can help relieve the stress and pain that comes with a trigger. I've also learned what my usual triggers are and can prepare for them when I'm expecting them.

[healinghome]

I think you're on to something here. Your feelings are being ignored, which invalidates them. That could be triggering. We all want to be heard and understood (even people without BPD want that), and from what you've said, your needs haven't been met.  At the same time, it sounds like your mother's call and the news of your sister's pregnancy stirred up some emotions too. Both could bring up some strong reactions. Was there something your mother said that has really resonated with you and brought on stronger feeling than other comments?

invalidated emotions are a biggie for me.  i think its made me feel unseen and unheard for so long... .   irrelevant you know?  its one of the reasons i'm keeping them vlc.  the mania in her voice disturbed me also.  the fact that it didn't matter how i felt about my sister, or even her admition of my sisters horrible behaviour, because her emotions were on a 'high' and her total confusion at how i didn't get on her 'high' with her.  my feelings and me as an entity aren't even on her radar.  sometimes i wonder why she bothers calling me at all, she doesn't see or hear me and then turns into a sulky waif when i don't join in her wild mood swings.

i've been pretty sick for a while too, and sickness seems to be an issue for BPD's.  its like deep down they know that they should feel empathy, but its an impossibility so they just avoid the sick people.  like... .   they feel uncomfortable, but don't understand why.

[XL]

i've been pretty sick for a while too, and sickness seems to be an issue for BPD's.  its like deep down they know that they should feel empathy, but its an impossibility so they just avoid the sick people.  like... .   they feel uncomfortable, but don't understand why.

I'm sorry you're sick. Do you have a community support network for that?

Could you be triggered that your sister's "happy" medical condition is getting shoved in your face, while your "unpleasant" one is ignored? I could see that being invalidating.

Be grateful for low contact now, though. Their behavior isn't right and makes illness so much worse. Mine can't distinguish concern with anger and uses sickness as a playground for paranoia, rage, and tries to tag along to doctor's visits to "manage" the situation. It triggers that panicked need for control. I was the target of a hysterical rage fit when I was under a strict 48 hour window for blood pressure control... .   yeah. I'm done doing that. My medical stuff is a locked, silent record now.

[healinghome]

thanks for your compassion

Could you be triggered that your sister's "happy" medical condition is getting shoved in your face, while your "unpleasant" one is ignored? I could see that being invalidating.

thats a really good point.  possibly true.  that the foo are only interested in happy things and they deny and ignore any issues that need understanding.  they truely are so emotionally immature.  that all they see is happy and hate.  yuk.

i've often found that along with 'chatting' about it, time always helps with my emotional understanding.  i think the general public have such a lack of understanding for their behaviours and that lack of understanding irratates me.  because for me its so transparent, but the general public are completely nieve to it.

i'm actually beginning to think that my foo are more sociopaths than BPDs.  as it really wouldn't surprise me if my younger sister got pregnant 6months after i walked away from her so she could try to bond with my other sister (they've never got on) who has 2 kids.  ultimately trying to exclude me.  

isolated, these behaviours seem innocent and often make people look 'oversensitive' or 'reading too much into it'.  but within context, and after over 30 yrs of enduring their psychopathic manipulations and decietful behaviour such as my mother trying to stab my father and believing it was reasonable behaviour, my sister seducing and taking my boyfriends, sister conspiring with my mother make me homeless, steeling things from me, lying with no recollection of it... .   i could go on for hours about their chronic behaviour.

anyhoo, thinking about it... .   they are probably more sociopaths than BPD and i've decided overnight to go full on nc.

freedom... .   yipeeeee!