Ugh... Forgetting the lessons I've been working on

[Hurt llama]

I've been very active since joining the board in the last 3 weeks and it's helped more than I imagined.

I've learned a lot that has helped me understand my ex much better and as a result I have been much better at communicating with her. I started posting in the 'Undecided' area and then was encouraged to post in the "Staying" area as it's not necessarily about 'staying' but learning some tools.

I was having a really bad day in general yesterday, waking up in a cold sweat about a terrible dream about my ex, basically reliving my worst fears... . This is how the day started.

She is very stressed as she is going to a big family event today and it's very difficult as her family is pretty screwed up to say the least... .  

BEfore she left she emailed me for my opinion a ad she wants to run to rent her apartment by the day (she lives in a popular vacation spot.

I was triggered back to OCtober after I as with her while she 'broke up' with her bf and when I got back she ran that idea past me and I told her I hated it and it made me uncomfortable. She said how her ex was offering to help her but she didnt want my help she actually doesnt) and two weeks later she texted me that she was sorry but she and he were back together.

It was cold but I didnt go back to start it all up again and i got past it and we continued as text friends as we always have for years.

She came here a 3 weeks ago and it was good but I've posted my story a few times and it ended poorly and I was triggered by her intentionally disappearing to make me think she was dating... .   as I told her i was dating... .   immature of both of us... .   but she did sleep with her bf a few days later as when she disappeared i went crazy and sent some very nasty texts... .   countless times... .   (not proud)

ANyway, i way over reacted yesterday to the add... . she was not doing it to hurt me or send me a message... . she really just wanted my feedback... . I emailed her how upset i was and she gave me a real and heartfelt apology... .   (very very rare)

But I got madder and madder and we both went back to talking about the darkest of times when she hurt me and I did some ba stuff to her... . years ago now.

I feel sick now because i had this fight with her as she was at the airport and the poor thing was hanging by a thread as it was... .   she did do her best to communicate in as good a manner as she can... .   (that's a big change)... . but I was so bad and it just went south to the low it can go.

It ended with me really making her feel like crap... .   about how she has slept with me and then the bf after a break up 3x and she did the same to me... .   and how disgusting it is to me to go from me to him the next day or visa versa.

Obviously this is how i do feel... . I am disgusted but there was no need to hurt her this way and now she left it with ":)on't ever contact me again"

Now if I could simply walk away, it would be wonderful but that's never going to happen.

I think she is on the plane and I sent an apology.

She probably will accept it... . She is a good girl in spite of all of this. She really is... . Not the rage type, not a cheater in the classic sense (ugh though) and has so many things I love about her and she loves about me... .

The thing is I want peace with her which I am sure I can get but I dont want to keep hurting each other as we have.

I guess I want my cake and eat it too... .   and that's not going to happen easily

I have a date tonight... .   a sleep over date with a really sexy and fun woman I used to date... . I feel as if I did what my ex does to me to make myself feel less guilty even though there is no reason for me to have guilt

I want to cancel my date as I a feeling so crappy about all of this.

<insert usual apology for rambling on here>

(I just feel so sick when my ex and I get to this point and I have to say this one was me again over reacting and shaming her... . even though... .   she deserves it (joke joke!)

[Hurt llama]

Been feeling like crap all day and at least am working on a busy and productive project.

I do think of her every 1/2 hour and have sent a text aplogising for my part and I told her if she doesn't want to speak to me again, I will back off.

Truth is, that would be perfect if we could let go... . It's highly unlikely as I do feel there is more work to do, even if we don't continue and I really know it would be extremely difficult unless I was simply able to get some feelings out in a controlled and safe way once and for all. And of course that's fantasy as she's not ready for that and well... .   I'm not sure I can do this anyway anymore.

I did shame her today. I did have my reasons and my reactions were valid but she did her best. I was trying new ways of communicating and they were working... .   and then i just kept on going which pushed her into a position and I racheted it up until she wrote back calmly (she never rages, never says anything hysterical or writes anything but her cold messages when angry)

She did of course twist things around and completely put the mantle of blame for things in the past all on me and said i was not the victim and if anyone got hurt worse it was her... .   and that's true and boy do I not feel bad about that!

As she set me off saying the worst of things to me and I warned her to stop... . she didn't and it was WW III... . that was 3 years ago and it was a mess that she never recovered from even though she said she did... . and maybe I never recovered either.

Anyway, I cancelled my date tonight... .   she sounded tired and I gave her an easy out and I am very relieved... . I can't connect right now with a woman and as attractive and appealing as she is, I just am completely burnt out.

I feel terribly that my ex and I have slid all the way back to a very bad place... .   I avoid this like the plague... . she will turn ice cold and I don't blame her... . It's on me to step back and maybe this is the best thing that can happen.

but... .   she is coming to my city for a meeting in about a week... . and I hope that we can clear the air and by then I will be better prepared with what i want, what I can and cant do and know that maintaining this very close text, video and seeing eachother will always end badly unless work is done to learn some tools.

I'll add that she is not in a strong financial place right now... . she is broke... . without that loan i gave her she would be in seriously bad shape... . she is a very hard ambitious worker and loves to work. Her renting her apartment is a pragmatic smart solution in an emergency but her sharing that with me yesterday of all days was really just stupid... . for lack of a better word.

[Clearmind]

HL, can we centre this a bit? I sense your desperation and good decisions do not come out of desperation/emotional state of mind.

You mention posting on other boards. This can be somewhat confusing – for you! Often we make good decisions when we know we are headed and what you want to achieve.

If you want to work on things with her – sure the undecided board is a good start.

If you want to detach – then this board is good.

It ended with me really making her feel like crap... .   about how she has slept with me and then the bf after a break up 3x and she did the same to me... .   and how disgusting it is to me to go from me to him the next day or visa versa.

By centreing yourself and not responding to her when you are emotional is probably a good start. Its not helping either of you.

My guess is you actually know that this not this case. It takes two to tango. She can ask for sex all she likes – its up to you to accept and if you do – you need to take responsibility for that decision.

The thing is I want peace with her which I am sure I can get but I dont want to keep hurting each other as we have.

Before you can have peace you need to work on forgiving yourself.

I have a date tonight... .   a sleep over date with a really sexy and fun woman I used to date... . I feel as if I did what my ex does to me to make myself feel less guilty even though there is no reason for me to have guilt

Concentrating on you may be a good plan.

I want to cancel my date as I a feeling so crappy about all of this.

It's on me to step back and maybe this is the best thing that can happen.

She cannot provide you with what you are seeking HL. You need to find that yourself.

Balancing our emotions - Mindfulness and Wise Mind