How long will it take?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

A week ago my divorce was signed by the judge and that simple act put me out of the BPD management business.  So why do I have to keep telling myself, "It's not your problem any more?"  I still have the urge to talk some sense into her not that it ever did any good before and I have no right to do it now.  Any advice would be helpful.

[billtx3]

A week ago my divorce was signed by the judge and that simple act put me out of the BPD management business.  So why do I have to keep telling myself, "It's not your problem any more?"  I still have the urge to talk some sense into her not that it ever did any good before and I have no right to do it now.  Any advice would be helpful.

[sad but wiser]

Hi Bill!  The short answer is, a while.  There is this weird dynamic with BPD.  You almost have to pull yourself out of that other person and rebuild yourself.  Your whole world starts revolving around the chaos, so extricating yourself can be quite a process.  We are here to help.  Some people will tell you the brutal truth, others will hug and encourage.  It all means the same thing.  We have been there, and we don't want anyone to go through this alone.  Welcome.

[Consumed]

Bill. I ditto Sad But Wiser. When things don't make sense, which is most of the time, it feels like no one could pssibly understand how I feel and then when I found this site, I was blown away, and that's why you come here too I suppose. The things that take a while and still taking a while for me is accepting I'm resposible for me and not her anymore. I realize I have to make decisions that are good for me and not for her. I have to realize i have to make decisions period. I can't let my emotions run my decision making with this anymore. I also have to remember I can not fix her, or talk sense into her. Logic and reason do not compute and the more I try to fix, the more she tried to break. And the biggest piece for me is 100% no contact. To get my head anywhere near sanity, I had to stop putting my toes back in the cesspool of caos and drama in order to realize I don't deserve that and I don't want that. I don't think we have to feel it's going to better, we just have to believe it's going to get better. ... .   And it will.

[imstronghere2]

Bill - I'm 1 1/2 years out from my divorce and have been NC since the day of the divorce.  We even have two kids together, D19 who has nothing to do with her mother and S13 that I have sole custody over and only sees his mother every 3 weeks or so for about 30-40 minutes each time.  NC is the only way you'll ever come to grips with getting your life back on track.  A year sounds like a long time to heal but it's just the beginning.  What we went through is nothing close to the normal divorce.  You may experience PTSD symptoms and I strongly urge you to find a good therapist that's experienced with BPD to help guide you through your recovery.

Good luck and we're here for you.

[billtx3]

Thanks, I guess I will give it time. I have a great therapist that has helped me with my PTSD. My divorce was way better than normal but getting there was 18 months of hell.  We have 50/50 split of d7 and d10 only because I really did not want to put them through the hell of a year long war with no guarantee of winning.  Her d17.5 does not want anything to do with her and it with me.

It's all very strange but I guess I knew that it would be.

Thanks Again

[HarmKrakow]

Thanks, I guess I will give it time. I have a great therapist that has helped me with my PTSD. My divorce was way better than normal but getting there was 18 months of hell.  We have 50/50 split of d7 and d10 only because I really did not want to put them through the hell of a year long war with no guarantee of winning.  Her d17.5 does not want anything to do with her and it with me.

It's all very strange but I guess I knew that it would be.

Thanks Again

Her daughter 17.5 is with you?

[billtx3]

Yes she is.  I think mom is too afraid of rejection there to force anything and for now d keeps everything light with mom and keeps very busy.  Keep in mind i have been around since she was 3 and real dad just got out of the penitentiary and has not seen her since she was 6mo old.

I used to wonder what happened to him but I have a feeling the BPD was all too much for him and he went off the deep end.

[HarmKrakow]

Yes she is.  I think mom is too afraid of rejection there to force anything and for now d keeps everything light with mom and keeps very busy.  Keep in mind i have been around since she was 3 and real dad just got out of the penitentiary and has not seen her since she was 6mo old.

I used to wonder what happened to him but I have a feeling the BPD was all too much for him and he went off the deep end.

It tells me enough they want to be with you and not with the crazy, showing that you care.

[NonBPDSpouse]

Bill,

I think a lot of us are looking for validation that we aren't the crazy ones.

It seems like most of us Non's are decent people that put up with a lot of Crap over the years, and we need time to heal... .

I don't know about you, but mine is so negative and put me down for 20 years... .

I built a very successful business and had to fight her all the way.

Everything I did was wrong (according to her) But I always stayed my course and I eventually succeeded.

She hated me for it, but she also has no problem taking credit now. 

Even after my track record, she would still tell me that I am wrong about everything.

I mean it could be a major business decision or where to plant a tree in the yard.

If I clean the house, I did it to make her look in adequate. If I did dishes, I did them to piss her off. ETC... .  

I really had no one to talk to about her behavior, because no one really wants to hear it.

Especially when she is so nice to outsiders, they would never believe me anyway... .

One day instead of just threatening to leave me, she actually did.

For about 2 months, I thought about what I needed to do to "fix" my marriage.

After 2 months I realized that I could walk from room to room in my own house without getting yelled at.

I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my chest and It felt good.

She could never threaten to leave again because she just did.

The world didn't end. My life didn't come crashing down on me and my kids.

the war was over.   

It was then that I started researching behavior patterns and I learned about BPD.  Thank GOD that I learned about BPD.

When I realized that these people are nasty tempered, manipulative, and refuse help,  I stopped looking for validation and started looking for my next relationship.

To me, the experts are people like me that have experienced it First hand for many years. 

If the doctors need to label it so they can treat it,  I'm ok with that, but just because the behavior has a name does not give the person an excuse for their actions. They are still responsible for the damage their wake causes.   

I mean, sure they have good days, but I think that they have good days because we learn how to walk on eggshells and allow them to have a good day.

Their good days come at our expense.

I may sound harsh, but lets call a spade a spade.

I am a firm believer that people do have control over themselves, and these people just don't care how their actions affect other people.

I am not on here for validation anymore, but to share stories, reinforce my new feelings, and help others avoid a bad situation.


So, In answer to your question,

Time... . Time will heal.

Once you realize that you were not the cause, you too will stop looking for validation. But if you are like me and gave up 25 years of your life trying to please an unpleasable person, you may find yourself back here from time to time... .

At some point we will all have to let go completely though or we face the possibility of ruining our next relationship with this bad drama.

[j4c]

Unpleasable. Such a fitting word to describe pwBPD!

[sad but wiser]

Dear Non, what a great post!

If I clean the house, I did it to make her look in adequate. If I did dishes, I did them to piss her off. ETC... .  

I can't believe it, it makes me laugh!  My UBPDxH used to tell me not to clean the house because when people came over and saw that the yard was a mess, but the house was clean, it made him look bad.  Lazy, inadequate.       Is there anything unique about these people's thought processes?