I think the internal conflict is the hardest

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After two years of nearly all of the standard BPD patterns, I left my now-ex 5 weeks ago.  Two notable exceptions about her behavior are that we never had much of a sex life and she never cheated, as far as I know -- both enough to occasionally make me question whether it's BPD.  Regardless, she exhibits enough of the other behaviors that I'm pretty confident in my "diagnosis" of her.

The constant struggle -- and I do mean constant -- is the conflicting feelings.  I know I deserve better than her.  I know I don't need to be with someone who treats me like that; keeping my self-esteem low, isolating me from everyone but her, controlling me through guilt and fear.  At the same time, I feel the void where either the positive aspects of the relationship of my idealization of them were.  I also feel the guilt because she's in so much pain, or at least wants me to believe she is.  She's behaving typically where she would tell me she's better off without me and then she can't get through this without me.  She's moved on and is dating and then she can't imagine herself with anyone else.  She's sleeping with someone I had pre-existing jealousy issues with and then she hasn't slept with anyone.  She never wants to hear from me again and then when I go NC, she tells me that I did it knowing that cutting off contact would destroy her.  I ruined her life.  I'm the reason she can't get out of bed.  I'm the reason she has no friends.  I'm the reason she has no job.  Etc, etc, etc.  You know the drill.  I can still hear her saying or think all of these conflicting things and no matter how much my logical brain understands the behavior, the emotional side of me still can't cope.  I still feel guilty.  I still miss her.  I am still extremely jealous of whoever she's with now.

We split up 5 weeks ago.  I started NC about 2.5 weeks ago.  Right now, she's on a trip to Mexico that I paid for (nonrefundable tickets from when we were together) with a guy that she lied to me about sleeping with before we were together.  He's her "best friend" and when I suspected they were planning a getaway to Vegas while we were still together, she denied it, said she'd never slept with him and that he'd had a girlfriend for 6 years.  Based on a number of things that I won't enumerate, I know they really have slept together and I can't stop thinking about the fact that they're on OUR trip right now and she's sleeping with him.  There's just no way she's not.

My logical brain that knows -- KNOWS -- I did the right thing, at least for myself.  My logical brain also wants to punch my emotional brain in the beanbag for not buying into it.

[MakeItBeOver]

After two years of nearly all of the standard BPD patterns, I left my now-ex 5 weeks ago.  Two notable exceptions about her behavior are that we never had much of a sex life and she never cheated, as far as I know -- both enough to occasionally make me question whether it's BPD.  Regardless, she exhibits enough of the other behaviors that I'm pretty confident in my "diagnosis" of her.

The constant struggle -- and I do mean constant -- is the conflicting feelings.  I know I deserve better than her.  I know I don't need to be with someone who treats me like that; keeping my self-esteem low, isolating me from everyone but her, controlling me through guilt and fear.  At the same time, I feel the void where either the positive aspects of the relationship of my idealization of them were.  I also feel the guilt because she's in so much pain, or at least wants me to believe she is.  She's behaving typically where she would tell me she's better off without me and then she can't get through this without me.  She's moved on and is dating and then she can't imagine herself with anyone else.  She's sleeping with someone I had pre-existing jealousy issues with and then she hasn't slept with anyone.  She never wants to hear from me again and then when I go NC, she tells me that I did it knowing that cutting off contact would destroy her.  I ruined her life.  I'm the reason she can't get out of bed.  I'm the reason she has no friends.  I'm the reason she has no job.  Etc, etc, etc.  You know the drill.  I can still hear her saying or think all of these conflicting things and no matter how much my logical brain understands the behavior, the emotional side of me still can't cope.  I still feel guilty.  I still miss her.  I am still extremely jealous of whoever she's with now.

We split up 5 weeks ago.  I started NC about 2.5 weeks ago.  Right now, she's on a trip to Mexico that I paid for (nonrefundable tickets from when we were together) with a guy that she lied to me about sleeping with before we were together.  He's her "best friend" and when I suspected they were planning a getaway to Vegas while we were still together, she denied it, said she'd never slept with him and that he'd had a girlfriend for 6 years.  Based on a number of things that I won't enumerate, I know they really have slept together and I can't stop thinking about the fact that they're on OUR trip right now and she's sleeping with him.  There's just no way she's not.

My logical brain that knows -- KNOWS -- I did the right thing, at least for myself.  My logical brain also wants to punch my emotional brain in the beanbag for not buying into it.

[SadWifeofBPD]

 

Find someone else.  You're a good person.  There's a good person out there for you.  Once you're in a normal relationship, you'll look back at these times and be grateful that you moved on. 

[Shadowlands]

Hey,

It's been five weeks, you are being too hard on yourself... .   you are going to be dealing with these inner conflicts for a long time yet and you are in the right space to surround yourself with support on this site.

You have made a great start though, 2.5 weeks no contact, regardless of who she is with now is good going so stick with that, otherwise the feelings you are having right now will not start to go away.

Breaking up with someone who has BPD or at the very least, emotional issues, is so much harder because the love has not died or you havent gone in different directions or met someone else, you have just had to sever a tie that is very strong for your own sanity.

You still think you love her, when actually you are addicted to the idealisation of her, so you need to come off that drug. You have done the right thing, no question. You know tha already. Just let your emotions catch up and they will in time.

Use all the material on this sight and read Walking on Eggshells if you haven't already. Get down that gym, pick up the phone to your friends... .   and don't expect this to go away for another few months yet but do not contact her!

Shadowlands.

[BradyK]

MakeItBeOver -- I totally agree with Shadowlands. As you pointed out, your thoughts and your emotions are conflicting right now. In time they will sync up. You know you did the right thing by walking away, and you know that NC is beneficial for you. Give yourself some time for the emotional dust to settle.

I can really relate to much of what you said. My ex uBPDbf got engaged 2.5 weeks after we split up. To someone he met 3 days after we split up. Of course I knew that this was even more evidence that he was not a good match for me!  Of course I knew that this was, in fact, crazy impulsive behavior. But I was still in love with him! He told me I was "the one" and he had never met anyone like me! etc, etc. And now he was telling me how happy he was because she was so right for him.  My sweaters still smelled like him and he was engaged to someone else! What did this mean about the relationship we had had? About me? About life on planet Earth?

The biggest thing that helped me in the beginning was not having contact. I reminded myself that we were OVER and that he was perfectly free to live his life any way he sees fit, as am I. But I will not allow him to upset me with his mixed messages anymore, and I will show him the same courtesy by staying away. I deleted my FB page when I realized I was unable to resist the temptation to "stalk".

Re-read Shadowlands post - he is right! 

[MakeItBeOver]

You're all saying things I already know, but it's still good to hear it. Thanks. She emailed me today from her trip to Mexico that I paid for, where she's with her mom and "friend" to tell me the trip sucks because she keeps wanting to share the things she's seeing and doing with me. That opened the wounds again (not like they're anywhere near healed). I know I should cut off this last channel she has to me, but I just can't.

[BradyK]

MakeItBeOver --

Actually, you can cut contact. You can, in fact, Make it Be Over! The question is: why do you choose not to?

And, I also know you already know that too!   I am just trying to support you.

[MakeItBeOver]

 

Heh, once again, it's always nice to hear someone say what you already know if just to reinforce that it's true.  I can't cut off the last channel she has because I still allow myself to feel the guilt, jealousy and the longing both for what I had and what I wanted to have.  I'll be the first to admit when I bring things on myself (unlike all of our exes).