A decision

[Hurt llama]

Well after being on this board for 3-4 weeks and venting so much, the recurrent and valid question I would be asked would be "What do you want out of the relationship?" And I couldn't really answer it for a few reasons. I have been so upside down at times that I'm just scared to even try to get what I want... . So I have been keeping it going... . maintaining connection long distance and we both feel the identical way about each other and she does not quit trying to get me back... .   ever.

I thought our situation was so unique before finally figuring out it is classic and obvious BPD.

Now after reading most of the new threads and posts, I am amazed that all that I have gone through is not only fairly typical but it's (amazingly) a very moderate to light version of how damaging exposure to this mental illness can be.

The reason I am willing to try is that she doesn't display many unfortunate characteristics of this disorder... . never rages, doesn't cry much and few issues other than this childlike lack of ability to understand some very basic concepts... . The list of postives far out paces the negative... . It's like all positive really and ONE negative that has kept us from ever making it... .

I'm not underplaying my experience. I have never felt so much pain. It's been devastating  and overwhelming many times... . And it's absolutely left me a changed man. The void I have felt and do feel, the addiction the feeling of need... . all of it.

I have to read the links on this site that have been posted in my first post in this section to learn strategies of communication.

I have started being very different in how I speak with her. It's making a difference... . not just for her but more for me... . to see her as this child... .   It's incredible actually.

It's almost hard to believe the innocent things she says and I never took it seriously before.

She texts me last night... . "just please promise you won't keep saying goodbye"

I handled it with humor and pointed out that umm... .   she was the one who ended my trying to reunite in October... .

SHe almost doesn't get it! IN her mind the love she has for me that same intense connection that I have for her, over rides anything she does... . It's mind boggling.

So I laid it out for her and said I am willing to try and  I will do my part in learning how to communicate and find ways to not trigger her but that she needs to learn some things too and that I am making a boundary (her favorite word used as a way usually to tell me to STFU... . haha)... .

It's almost odd that as I continue to repeat things and speak just a bit to her as if I am taking to a child, she is responding well.

The most important thing here is not about her anymore... . It's about how I know if this works, wonderful and if it doesn't, well I will be in a better place mentally after having approached the relationship this way.

Most importantly, I am working mostly on myself, rediscovering and building myself up... . I am semi retired at a young age and have been for a few years... . It's an almost unlimited amount of free time and that is scary as well as a blessing.

Anyone wanna talk me out of this before I got any further?

Please!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hurt llama]

are there any success stories here?

Please! Lie to me if you have to! 

[Grey Kitty]

Success stories? Yes, in a sticky post right here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.0

I should say something in there myself, as I would say that my wife has been cured of BPD for over six months now. Someday I will post to the success stories thread.

So I won't talk anybody out of staying--I know it can work... .   and I also know it is your choice. What you said here shows that you are figuring things out.  Keep it up!

[Surnia]

A good point to start on Staying is reading the LESSONS ----->.

They are great and helpful. I have learned a lot on Staying. 

[Hurt llama]

Thank you both for the posts. I am reading up on the Lessons and I would not be honest if I didn't admit I have mixed feelings along with a feeling of dread knowing I am obviously taking a chance here.

The fear is more about me than her. My part of the equation is that I have allowed us to connect and never offered her what she needs since after I reunited with her the first time since I ended the engagement... . I didn't think she was a safe partner and I was right. BUt i see now there are addictive elements (obviously) going on here for both of us.

I almost feel I have taken advantage of my hold over... .   that by constant connection I knew she could never let go of me, no matter who she was with. This is a part of the dynamic for sure... .   Having your cake and eating it syndrome.

I am not an addictive type in general.

My fear is that I'm just going to put her and both of us through more hell by holding a part back of myself as I feel I have to.

The specific fear is that I will find a reason to not be able to feel safe with her and she will feel I am breaking up with her and even if we agree to a limited or different kind of contact it is me always reaching out to her.

Its almost that as much as she is BPD and not able to be in a healthy long lasting love relationship, she is better at the discipline than me and will move on faster than I will.

There is much 'fantasy' in what I am saying as at both of our cores seems to be the same dynamics in different ways.

Lastly and maybe most importantly, I have  question, my ex and I do love each other and I would love it to work. I see what I must do on my side to give it the best chance.

Do your partners have to be on the same page and aware of the dynamics of what you are doing? Are we both supposed to be following specific 'rules/guidelines' or is that mostly up to me to be more of the 'adult' here. which of course presses the codependant button in a big way.

My ex is much better (superficially at least) in maintaining more appropriate distance and doesn't have the same constant need for contact that I have. My constant need I think is a result of the insecurity that I carry from the trauma early on.

I'd be crazy if I were gung ho happy and cheery about this... .

She's coming here next week.

It's a long distance relationshop... .   she has one more child who will be college aged in about 2 years... . she would be happy living here and I also love where she is and I am comfortable living in two places. That part is actually appealing.

Any thoughts appreciated... . I know I am not necessarily saying all of this very clearly... .

Had an unrelated nightmare this morning about anxiety that freaked me out.

I was so close to being free! so so close! But was I ever?

[Surnia]

Hurt llama

Sounds much more undecided to me. Perhaps the Undecided bord would fit better to your situation.

The fear is more about me than her. My part of the equation is that I have allowed us to connect and never offered her what she needs since after I reunited with her the first time since I ended the engagement... . I didn't think she was a safe partner and I was right. BUt i see now there are addictive elements (obviously) going on here for both of us.

[Hurt llama]

Hurt llama

Sounds much more undecided to me. Perhaps the Undecided bord would fit better to your situation.

The fear is more about me than her. My part of the equation is that I have allowed us to connect and never offered her what she needs since after I reunited with her the first time since I ended the engagement... . I didn't think she was a safe partner and I was right. BUt i see now there are addictive elements (obviously) going on here for both of us.

I'm in all three!

Let me ask the question this way.

FOr those of you who have stayed was your partner aware of the things you were doing and why in order to make it succeed?

[whereisthezen]

Good question HL, I am interested in hearing any feedback on that as well.

[arabella]

This is a really interesting thread - I hope more people will chime in!

I've been with my dBPDh for over 12 years. We had a major breakup 10 years ago (we were engaged at the time) when he left me and hooked up with some random girl he met. Obviously, we got back together. Now I'm on round 2 of the breakup cycle. So that's the background to weigh against my comments here.

I tell myself that when I'm ready to leave, I'll know. I will not do something that feels untrue to myself, i.e. leaving, just because other people think it makes more sense or because it sounds more 'rational'. So here I stay. I am fully aware of the decisions I'm making and I check in with myself regularly to make sure I'm still in touch with what I want. I think your position sounds similar - keep questioning and just be sure that you don't switch over to auto-pilot!

My partner knows that I am working on my own issues. He needs to know that I don't blame him for everything and that I am working on myself. So, yes, he is aware to some degree as to what I'm doing, but we aren't both following some predetermined set of rules/guidelines. There is no way to make it work if you require her compliance or specific behaviour - you can only work on YOU.

I don't think that treating your partner in a specific way that accounts for their particular needs is codependant per se. No matter how healthy your partner was, you'd still adjust your behaviour in order to accomodate her personality and quirks. It's a fact of life that we have to accomodate the differences in others and I don't see that as a bad thing unless you are losing yourself in the process. So the question is: can you be true to yourself and still do what needs to be done in the r/s? It sounds like it's possible given how you describe your situation. It's worth a shot, no?

[Hurt llama]

This is a really interesting thread - I hope more people will chime in!

I've been with my dBPDh for over 12 years. We had a major breakup 10 years ago (we were engaged at the time) when he left me and hooked up with some random girl he met. Obviously, we got back together. Now I'm on round 2 of the breakup cycle. So that's the background to weigh against my comments here.

I tell myself that when I'm ready to leave, I'll know. I will not do something that feels untrue to myself, i.e. leaving, just because other people think it makes more sense or because it sounds more 'rational'. So here I stay. I am fully aware of the decisions I'm making and I check in with myself regularly to make sure I'm still in touch with what I want. I think your position sounds similar - keep questioning and just be sure that you don't switch over to auto-pilot!

My partner knows that I am working on my own issues. He needs to know that I don't blame him for everything and that I am working on myself. So, yes, he is aware to some degree as to what I'm doing, but we aren't both following some predetermined set of rules/guidelines. There is no way to make it work if you require her compliance or specific behaviour - you can only work on YOU.

I don't think that treating your partner in a specific way that accounts for their particular needs is codependant per se. No matter how healthy your partner was, you'd still adjust your behaviour in order to accomodate her personality and quirks. It's a fact of life that we have to accomodate the differences in others and I don't see that as a bad thing unless you are losing yourself in the process. So the question is: can you be true to yourself and still do what needs to be done in the r/s? It sounds like it's possible given how you describe your situation. It's worth a shot, no?

Thank you for sharing. Obviously I have been struggling and I had ended our engagement and we have been in this dance of connection for years now... . but it does follow a logical path... . she's not a random nut although she is clearly typical of the core essence of BPD. What I mean specifically is that her actions as I always interpret as her intentionally hurting me are not (usually) about that but for a combination of reasons that most of us are familiar with who post here.

I am a very introspective person. I'm tough on myself and don't make excuses. This whole long episode triggered things in me and hit me at a time like a diamond tipped bullet... . I was prime for it. And the issues of my identity feeling like it was slipping was as much or more of a function of middle age and losing connection to normal things such as my kids growing up, extreme success in business that was great but I pretty much stopped working to pursue art... . A dream life really... . So many things have been and are changing since I met my ex... . I call it a perfect storm.

If I were an objective outsider giving myself advice, I would say not to try and that I deserve love and this dysfuntional relationship will just keep on repeating and bring me down. Yet it's not like I haven't dated around. I have been on countless dates in the last few years... . I meet people easily and often... .

The questions that I suppose eventually will be resolved is how much has and does this traumatic experience effected me considering all of the above. I am learning fast that I am not as alone as I thought and that many of us feel similarly the loss of 'self'.

I do know this much... .   I can't 'think' my way out of this and that's what I have been doing and chronicling here.

I probably know all I need to know on what to do, how to do it and what the consequences and benefits are. I am a bit stuck wtih anxiety of trying again. But what I need to hold onto is my own power and the center I have for myself. That it is my decision and I can do whatever I want.

It's like a curse of sorts... .   I can do whatever I want... .   terrifying!

 

I'll add, it's not clear cut to me to be 'staying' or not. I am committed to taking my best shot. It's not like I am married and have children with this woman which would make it much clearer (yeah right) what to do.

My progression here from "Leaving' to "Undecided' to "Staying" makes a kind of sense to me and I have emerged from it with giving it another chance. This time with much more information and knowledge. The key to it all I remind myself is that this is not all about her or even using tools to make it work. I believe (and I wish I didn't feel I have to do this) that either we make it work or when we do the dance for yet another time, I emerge a stronger more genuine person who will go into the next relationship healed from this one.

I'd rather heal within this relationship. It's my number one choice.

Lastly, I know my ex very well. She truly cares for my well being as I do for hers. Her constant message she gives me to do positive things for myself are heartfelt and consistant.

If she puts in 10%, I will put in 10x more as it's easier for me. I know how hard she struggles with tremendous anxiety and sensitivity.

In a good way... . there is only so much I can do... .   and maybe that's the lesson in all of this.

[Grey Kitty]

This is right from the lessons ------->

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

I think it is a good summary of what you are choosing to get into here.

I'll add, it's not clear cut to me to be 'staying' or not. I am committed to taking my best shot.

That is EXACTLY what the staying board is for--a commitment try and improve things. Not a commitment to stay in the relationship no matter what it does to yourself.

If she puts in 10%, I will put in 10x more as it's easier for me. I know how hard she struggles with tremendous anxiety and sensitivity.

I view it as you and she will both try to do your own personal best. You've got more and better tools in your mental/spiritual/emotional toolbox than she does.

If you give one carpenter a $3000 set of power and hand tools... .   and give another carpenter a chewed up screwdriver and a bent hacksaw... .   and watch them both can work really hard at building houses... .   it shouldn't be a surprise that the one with good tools will get a lot more done, but not because the other one is "lazy."

I am semi retired at a young age and have been for a few years... . It's an almost unlimited amount of free time and that is scary as well as a blessing.

I know that feeling--I've also retired fairly young... .   somehow free time doesn't always exist for me!

She's coming here next week.

It's a long distance relationshop... .   she has one more child who will be college aged in about 2 years... . she would be happy living here and I also love where she is and I am comfortable living in two places. That part is actually appealing.

I'm confused. Is she coming for a visit, moving in, or planning to move in within a 2 years?

[Hurt llama]

This is right from the lessons ------->

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

I think it is a good summary of what you are choosing to get into here.

I'll add, it's not clear cut to me to be 'staying' or not. I am committed to taking my best shot.

That is EXACTLY what the staying board is for--a commitment try and improve things. Not a commitment to stay in the relationship no matter what it does to yourself.

If she puts in 10%, I will put in 10x more as it's easier for me. I know how hard she struggles with tremendous anxiety and sensitivity.

I view it as you and she will both try to do your own personal best. You've got more and better tools in your mental/spiritual/emotional toolbox than she does.

If you give one carpenter a $3000 set of power and hand tools... .   and give another carpenter a chewed up screwdriver and a bent hacksaw... .   and watch them both can work really hard at building houses... .   it shouldn't be a surprise that the one with good tools will get a lot more done, but not because the other one is "lazy."

I am semi retired at a young age and have been for a few years... . It's an almost unlimited amount of free time and that is scary as well as a blessing.

I know that feeling--I've also retired fairly young... .   somehow free time doesn't always exist for me!

She's coming here next week.

It's a long distance relationshop... .   she has one more child who will be college aged in about 2 years... . she would be happy living here and I also love where she is and I am comfortable living in two places. That part is actually appealing.

I'm confused. Is she coming for a visit, moving in, or planning to move in within a 2 years?

THanks for the link and I read the first part and will read the rest of the responses later. I get it. Am I up to the task? In many ways, yes. In some ways, no.

I have read most of what is out there and am pretty sure how I will deal with her not to trigger her biggest fear... .   which is for me to give up. It's hard to talk about the future and not refer to her past behavior but I know it's pointless to make her feel bad and more than that, she gets it as much as she will get it and me repeating it as I often do, only makes it worse.

I am unclear of how much I share if at all about the things I am trying to do to make this work... . My sense is probably less is more. Is it crucial for her to know that she has BPD? I had mentioned it several times a few weeks ago and then stopped after reading it's not the way to go and again, repeating myself or talking louder will result in her hearing less.

But the interesting thing is she's never denied it even slightly. Clearly she knows it and it's just too painful to deal with and address at this very moment while she is struggling to get a new job and dig herself out of a bad financial situation.

I just had a video chat with her and it was interesting... .   She made a point to tell me not to make fun of her for playing online Scrabble or Gin... . It was amazing how she felt that I had criticized her about this the other night when I barely remember making a joke... . something like, "oh, you are to tired to talk to me but can play online games" (to me this was as intense as talking about the weather! WHo cares? Yet her sensitivity to criticism is extreme... .   And my sensitivity to criticism is actually similar... . I don't really like it in general and don't trust people who unnecessarily criticize me.

She is coming here Wednesday for a second round of job interview and is staying with me. She was reluctant to stay here as last tie I got so mad, I packed her bags and left them at a random hotel (oops)... . But the one thing she knows is that I would NEVER ever leave her in a situation in which she was unsafe. I told her she is welcome to stay with me and if there is a problem, I will pay for her hotel and expenses due to it... .   I know this won't happen but I want her to know I am not going to put her in a situation in which she feels she is trapped.

Since this is all new that I am willing to reconnect in a serious way... .   IT's what she has been wanting for a long time and I am willing to get past the insanity I went through the first time I reconnected with her last NYE... .

So the plan is for her to get this job that will allow her to travel between here and her home... . I can't commit more or faster obviously until I see her... . I hope she gets this job and works from here often... . and we can live together... .   I have a great place and I would love to share it with her... .

The second stage is for me to live sometimes where she is... . it's on an island and I love it! Been there 15x and always wanted to live in two places

In an ideal world, we would do this for a few months (less than 1 year) and I would make it more 'official' and maybe buy a place down there or get a new place together.

I don't mind paying for more as I have more... .   all i want from her is for her to be happy in her work. She loves to work. It's amazing... .   I never did like to work really... . but I enjoy her enthusiasm her energy and well... . I really like watching her get dressed and go out to work while I sleep late and live the life of a lazy businessman turned artist.

We are sorta a perfect match... .

Both a bit quirky and extremely compatible in ways that are not easy to find.

One day at a time... . someone said that... .