It's ridiculous how much pain we NON-BPD'ers have to go through isn't it?

[HarmKrakow]

As part of my detachment, i was just reading many topics here, all the same horror stories and I can read many lives here scarred deeply, stripped of self-confidence to the bone and unsure on how to continue with life and might take months or years to get back on track. While in all the stories (almost all) the BPD person has continued her path of destruction with a new bf/gf and 'seemingly' steps over us like dead weight. We of course KNOW this is not the case due to their brainwire malfunctioning, but still... .

the amount of pain here on this forum... .

My goodness... .    I even feel guilty for having suicidal thoughts from time to time because of the pain shed here purely because I also sometimes don't see an apparent way out of the BPD break up mess.

[paperlung]

The fact that many of us have to get therapy afterwards speaks volumes.

[mtmc01]

I'm 7 weeks out. I can't fathom dating again yet, but there are streaks of sunlight that shine through the gray clouds here and there. It'll happen eventually for us. It just takes time for a healthy person to get over something like this and work on ourselves. I have to keep telling myself that her setting up another guy to date within weeks (they had met in a church group before she even left) of leaving someone she was ENGAGED to MARRY and was planning on moving with is NOT HEALTHY. They can flip a switch and think about things in past tense as "all bad". It's their loss. They lose out on all of those good memories and miss out on the opportunity to learn anything from their experiences. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

[HarmKrakow]

The fact that many of us have to get therapy afterwards speaks volumes.

Agreed, and the moment I went into therapy, she started saying, see, you are the crazy one.  

[HarmKrakow]

I'm 7 weeks out. I can't fathom dating again yet, but there are streaks of sunlight that shine through the gray clouds here and there. It'll happen eventually for us. It just takes time for a healthy person to get over something like this and work on ourselves. I have to keep telling myself that her setting up another guy to date within weeks (they had met in a church group before she even left) of leaving someone she was ENGAGED to MARRY and was planning on moving with is NOT HEALTHY. They can flip a switch and think about things in past tense as "all bad". It's their loss. They lose out on all of those good memories and miss out on the opportunity to learn anything from their experiences. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

That might be true man, however, i'm missing the drama and realizing it's over for good while she is 'grieving' through partying and drinking while i do so through crying and therapy. 

[motherof1yearold]

Also , as mentioned in other posts , those NON BPD's who seek therapy during or after the relationship are made out to feel crazy by their BPD partners and all on lookers and family... .   quite sad really, there is just no way to explain what we all have been through.

[VeryFree]

I know what you mean, but realize only this:

you are going through a very rough time and have to face a lot of troubles in the near future.

Your life will never be as it was before your BPD.

You probably will need help from a T like many of us do.

But at a certain moment you'll realize that there was a reason that you let your BPD get to you. That's called insight in yourself.

Bottom-line: eventually you'll learn a lot about yourself and become a completer person.

Take care buddy!

[mtmc01]

I'm 7 weeks out. I can't fathom dating again yet, but there are streaks of sunlight that shine through the gray clouds here and there. It'll happen eventually for us. It just takes time for a healthy person to get over something like this and work on ourselves. I have to keep telling myself that her setting up another guy to date within weeks (they had met in a church group before she even left) of leaving someone she was ENGAGED to MARRY and was planning on moving with is NOT HEALTHY. They can flip a switch and think about things in past tense as "all bad". It's their loss. They lose out on all of those good memories and miss out on the opportunity to learn anything from their experiences. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

That might be true man, however, i'm missing the drama and realizing it's over for good while she is 'grieving' through partying and drinking while i do so through crying and therapy. 

That's because most BPD's don't grieve. They just move on to the next "thing". Yours is partying, mine went from not knowing what she believed to hardcore Christian who needs to pray about everything and is her new way of dodging responsibility for her actions. There's PLENTY I miss too, and I certainly didn't want the relationship to be over. But, that's not a choice we have, and they aren't the people we wanted them to be. As my sister told me, would you really want to go back to someone who has handled the situation like this and treated you like this? I'd never be able to trust that she'd stick around and would be walking on eggshells in fear that I was doing something again that would cause her to ditch me without any conversation.

[VeryFree]

Agreed, and the moment I went into therapy, she started saying, see, you are the crazy one.  

Mine didn't want me to attend her sessions with her T.

She claimed I had my own problems that needed solving first, so I had to go to my own T.

I did, so I could speak to her and her T and after I had my first session with my T, she said: you should be ashamed; again you're doing things for yourselve, when you should be doing things for us, like talking to me and my T.  :'( :'( :'( :'(

[sad but wiser]

Wow, VeryScared - that is one crazy girl!    It is good to hear some humor from you and from Harm, even if it is ironic humor.  Laughter is better than anything for healing!  

[mango_flower]

Harm - if I read between the lines, I'm sensing that you're slowly moving forward to some sort of acceptance, even though the pain is still apparent?  Am I right?

Where are you at now in terms of being in touch with her etc?  Is she still calling you? x

[nak]

It is ridiculous how much pain there is.

I moved out 90 days ago with our two kids ( she has a violent teen from another r/s ) and she's already getting engaged !

All this after not allowing me and the kids back in the house ( house is in her name ) . Me and my two young kids had to live in a hotel for 2 mos.

[HarmKrakow]

Harm - if I read between the lines, I'm sensing that you're slowly moving forward to some sort of acceptance, even though the pain is still apparent?  Am I right?

Where are you at now in terms of being in touch with her etc?  Is she still calling you? x

I feel i'm being DRIVEN towards acceptance, as in, forced into, but still zero sense of closure. Zero. I'm slowly fading away here mango.

And yes, the being forced into acceptance that its over is not making it easier, as she just walked away with any responsibilities, left me for dead and I was still stupid enough to pay her last debts last weeks.

I'm sinking without trace here man, I went to bed around 10, couldnt sleep untill 3, took a benzo to sleep and just allowed me to sleep 4/5 hours.

Oh and in regards of contact, she still mails or calls whenever she wants and either tells me how much she misses the good ol times or tells me how much ive scarred her for life. This person is sick, very sick. Just very very sick. I was in bed crying all night while all she tells me she parties, drinks and smokes non-stop. She did none of the 3 when we were together... .  

I NEED TO STOP MAKING SENSE OF HER CHAOS  :'(

I seriously need to be very careful with myself or there is not going to be any harm left.

[sad but wiser]

Harm, why can't they just leave us alone?  Having contact is just like someone touching a very painful open wound! 

  This isn't just chaos, it sounds like evil to me.  She has to know that this is hurting you, yet she persists!  I do not think that closure is something these people do at all.  They have this expectation that they will be treated well, no matter what they do.  It is kind of arrogant.  They feel entitled to do whatever they want, and they don't respect boundaries.

    I really think you need to be around some emotionally healthy people.  Most of us on these boards are not healthy yet.  We are struggling.  We are good people to know, but we are struggling too.  How about a little time on a board that discusses something you used to be interested in or are still interested in?  People there will probably not be having in depth conversations about their emotional states.  It might be a kind of vacation, now that you aren't working.  I'm really wanting to help somehow!

[VeryFree]

  Laughter is better than anything for healing!  

Yes it is, but sometimes so hard to do.

In the end: the one who laughs last, laughs best. And we will laugh last! 

[sad but wiser]

Yes, we will laugh in a healthy, joyful way in the end.  (There's a light at the end of this tunnel, shining bright at the end of this tunnel... .   )

[Surnia]

  harm

I cannot underline enough this sentence:

I seriously need to be very careful with myself

I have the impression you are sometimes so hard with yourself. I guess in real life you are a very nice guy; you like to be supportive. Paying even debts for your girlfriend.

And for yourself? Are you supportive for yourself? The title of this post is about "ridiculous". Sounds very harsh. Yes, there is a lot of pain. I don't think its ridiculous however.

[nak]

[/quote]
I feel i'm being DRIVEN towards acceptance, as in, forced into, but still zero sense of closure. Zero. I'm slowly fading away here mango.

And yes, the being forced into acceptance that its over is not making it easier, as she just walked away with any responsibilities, left me for dead and I was still stupid enough to pay her last debts last weeks. [/quote]
I am going through this now ... .   painfully being DRIVEN into the night with other two kids as she advises me that she's in a new relationship and is going to be married.

It may help to read "Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder"

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

This article really helped me and made me feel like I was operating inside  of an understood behavior pattern. It took away some of the pain by giving me perspective on my situation. Some of pain and anxiety , I think, comes from being lost without your BPD partner. As others have written/described it is like drug withdrawl.

This video was very insightful: "The brain in love: Helen Fisher on TED.com"

www.blog.ted.com/2008/07/15/the_brain_in_lo/

[HarmKrakow]

 harm

I cannot underline enough this sentence:

I seriously need to be very careful with myself

I have the impression you are sometimes so hard with yourself. I guess in real life you are a very nice guy; you like to be supportive. Paying even debts for your girlfriend.

And for yourself? Are you supportive for yourself? The title of this post is about "ridiculous". Sounds very harsh. Yes, there is a lot of pain. I don't think its ridiculous however.

Hi Surnia! My being very hard on my self has to do with the strong proud characteristics of my family (FOO) and the age group i'm in plus the work environment which is all highly competitive. And all 'screaming' out, failure is not an option. This pressure, just 'adds' on the pressure of feeling guilty for having introduced such an ex to my family and friends plus the sheer incapability at the moment(!) to turn the tide. Therefore, (adding it all together) it feels like an ridiculous pain.

My therapist told me, if the r/s would have broken up, while you would have had a job, a social environment to fall back on and a stable place to live at, the majority of the pain would have been a lot less.

It's not just the pain of a break up and missing a girl of whom you thought you once would marry to, also the incredibly guilt on my shoulders in addition to my peer group continuing careers in the rat race of life where as I'm not stable to enough to work full time.

[Surnia]

Hi Surnia! My being very hard on my self has to do with the strong proud characteristics of my family (FOO) and the age group i'm in plus the work environment which is all highly competitive. And all 'screaming' out, failure is not an option.

Sure, all this has his roots, longtime rehearsed behavior, habits, belief systems! I am the last one to deny this.

What about very gentle and slowly starting to learn a more fluid, less hard, less perfect kind of life?

[HarmKrakow]

Hi Surnia! My being very hard on my self has to do with the strong proud characteristics of my family (FOO) and the age group i'm in plus the work environment which is all highly competitive. And all 'screaming' out, failure is not an option.

Sure, all this has his roots, longtime rehearsed behavior, habits, belief systems! I am the last one to deny this.

What about very gentle and slowly starting to learn a more fluid, less hard, less perfect kind of life?

I'm trying. I am. I'll be feeling guilty for not doing so. I realize it does not go over night. I realize that I do want it to happen over night. I need to live and deal with this (although the pain is sometimes unbearable) and there is no easy way out besides 'sitting out time'. If it was up to me, I would get therapy once a day and check myself in to re stabilize my boundaries and self-confidence but unfortunately that isn't possible.

I'm trying my best with the therapy i'm following, the AD and sleeping meds for rest. Besides that, I also try to fight my burnout. When I realize I lose grip, I call a hotline and post here to let go of the emotions.

The only straight away, current thing, as of THIS point I could do to help myself, effective immediately. Is cut of all contact with my ex. My shrink, friends, GP and doctor tell me to do so. Yet, I still haven't done so because i'm just still not strong enough to ... . just let go.

[Deleted]

Hey harmkrakow,

Truly surreal seeing everyone here suffering from a BPD. When I first broke up with my xBPD I've went on numerous websites including this one and my jaw dropped every time. I felt as if my ex dated everyone on here due to the similarities.  However it does get better with time, writing about it, venting, not to sound trite and cliche but this experience will all make us stronger people. I view it like this2-3 years this will not effect me anymore  and ill view this whole forsaken experience with a mild scoff and say "wow that was hell thank god that's over". I hope everyone on here will find that peace of mind and that beautiful day, in time of course.

[SWLSR]

The thing about a BPD is there pain goes back before they ever met us.  And they dont want to deal with us because once they realized we were not the one who could cure them they just moved on.  Of course no one can but that is another topic.  One thing about them though is they lie alot.  About so many things we can not keep up with them.  They often are playong a misdirection game on just about everybody.  You just have to look at th for what they are.  The pain does subside over time but the emotional scars will always be there.

[HarmKrakow]

The thing about a BPD is there pain goes back before they ever met us.  And they dont want to deal with us because once they realized we were not the one who could cure them they just moved on.  Of course no one can but that is another topic.  One thing about them though is they lie alot.  About so many things we can not keep up with them.  They often are playong a misdirection game on just about everybody.  You just have to look at th for what they are.  The pain does subside over time but the emotional scars will always be there.

Well, i'm not going to mourn for this for years and years to come.

I won't. Simple as that. I won't, like I won't. Before that happens i'll pull the plug myself. I am not going to go through years of therapy, help, medication, anti-depressants etc for years to come. I'm going to give this a few extra months. Nothing more than that.

[sad but wiser]

My dear Harm,

  Why are you taking this out on the innocent person in the relationship?  Just because some people are very messed up, doesn't mean everyone is!  It doesn't mean that you can't find a real woman to be with someday!  You are very young!  I think this affected you more because you are young.  I know you probably feel like you are 100 years old right now, but life is ahead of you, not behind with a messed up woman.  Remember Goethe and don't die for love.  That would be the ultimate paradox, dying for a woman who really doesn't care!  (Because she doesn't know how.)  I have an almost 18 year old daughter.  She will be the greatest wife to someone someday.  She's smart and talented and spiritually very wise for her age.  I am not trying to set you up, I am telling you that these young women are out there.

   It sounds as if your mind is stuck in a loop, so your spirits cannot rise, hope has died within you and you are not healing at all yet.  You must be the one to find a way to break off the contact with this young woman.  She is poisoning you.  Change your phone number and only give it to your closest family and friends.  Reject her letters or burn them unopened.  If I had to keep living with the pain I felt at the point where you are stuck, I would be wishing to die, too.  Every call, every text, every contact was horribly painful.  I couldn't heal at all until I stopped allowing it.  I shut him out, I would not listen, I would not read notes and I told him so.  He tried a couple of more times, which I forced myself to ignore, and then he stopped.  He is either on or off, black or white.  I started getting better.

   Harm, you are not her emotional punching bag, so move away from her and let her go punch something else.

One thing.  It didn't help immediately.  It took a couple of weeks of no contact before the pain started letting up at all.  For the first week it was pain and a dreadful sense of needing to know what was going on.  It passed.  It passed. 

[motherof1yearold]

My dear Harm,

  Why are you taking this out on the innocent person in the relationship?  Just because some people are very messed up, doesn't mean everyone is!  It doesn't mean that you can't find a real woman to be with someday!  You are very young!  I think this affected you more because you are young.  I know you probably feel like you are 100 years old right now, but life is ahead of you, not behind with a messed up woman.  Remember Goethe and don't die for love.  That would be the ultimate paradox, dying for a woman who really doesn't care!  (Because she doesn't know how.)  I have an almost 18 year old daughter.  She will be the greatest wife to someone someday.  She's smart and talented and spiritually very wise for her age.  I am not trying to set you up, I am telling you that these young women are out there.

   It sounds as if your mind is stuck in a loop, so your spirits cannot rise, hope has died within you and you are not healing at all yet.  You must be the one to find a way to break off the contact with this young woman.  She is poisoning you.  Change your phone number and only give it to your closest family and friends.  Reject her letters or burn them unopened.  If I had to keep living with the pain I felt at the point where you are stuck, I would be wishing to die, too.  Every call, every text, every contact was horribly painful.  I couldn't heal at all until I stopped allowing it.  I shut him out, I would not listen, I would not read notes and I told him so.  He tried a couple of more times, which I forced myself to ignore, and then he stopped.  He is either on or off, black or white.  I started getting better.

   Harm, you are not her emotional punching bag, so move away from her and let her go punch something else.

One thing.  It didn't help immediately.  It took a couple of weeks of no contact before the pain started letting up at all.  For the first week it was pain and a dreadful sense of needing to know what was going on.  It passed.  It passed. 

Sad but wiser,

i am young. I have suffered very much at the hands of my BPD ex husband; but to say all young women are "out there" isn't right. I was married to someone older than I, and yes, perhaps I was more damaged because of my young impressionable age, but it isn't a death sentence. With support we will all get through this.

Harmkrakow, I wish you the best as always. I learn from your posts and also hope you learn from what I post back to you. Harm, have  you read the Book "splitting" yet? I'm sure someone here has recommended it to you by now!

[HarmKrakow]

My dear Harm,

  Why are you taking this out on the innocent person in the relationship?  Just because some people are very messed up, doesn't mean everyone is!  It doesn't mean that you can't find a real woman to be with someday!  You are very young!  I think this affected you more because you are young.  I know you probably feel like you are 100 years old right now, but life is ahead of you, not behind with a messed up woman.  Remember Goethe and don't die for love.  That would be the ultimate paradox, dying for a woman who really doesn't care!  (Because she doesn't know how.)  I have an almost 18 year old daughter.  She will be the greatest wife to someone someday.  She's smart and talented and spiritually very wise for her age.  I am not trying to set you up, I am telling you that these young women are out there.

   It sounds as if your mind is stuck in a loop, so your spirits cannot rise, hope has died within you and you are not healing at all yet.  You must be the one to find a way to break off the contact with this young woman.  She is poisoning you.  Change your phone number and only give it to your closest family and friends.  Reject her letters or burn them unopened.  If I had to keep living with the pain I felt at the point where you are stuck, I would be wishing to die, too.  Every call, every text, every contact was horribly painful.  I couldn't heal at all until I stopped allowing it.  I shut him out, I would not listen, I would not read notes and I told him so.  He tried a couple of more times, which I forced myself to ignore, and then he stopped.  He is either on or off, black or white.  I started getting better.

   Harm, you are not her emotional punching bag, so move away from her and let her go punch something else.

One thing.  It didn't help immediately.  It took a couple of weeks of no contact before the pain started letting up at all.  For the first week it was pain and a dreadful sense of needing to know what was going on.  It passed.  It passed. 

Sad but wiser,

i am young. I have suffered very much at the hands of my BPD ex husband; but to say all young women are "out there" isn't right. I was married to someone older than I, and yes, perhaps I was more damaged because of my young impressionable age, but it isn't a death sentence. With support we will all get through this.

Harmkrakow, I wish you the best as always. I learn from your posts and also hope you learn from what I post back to you. Harm, have  you read the Book "splitting" yet? I'm sure someone here has recommended it to you by now!

Thanks for letting me know that Im helping others, unfortunately I still feel im sinking without trace, slowly day by day. Its 4am in the morning now and another night of not being able to sleep. The slow agonizing progress feels being dragged back and forth out and in hell. I slowly feel im running out of options. She, my ex that is, has no idea what painim going through.

[VeryFree]

Thanks for letting me know that Im helping others, unfortunately I still feel im sinking without trace, slowly day by day. Its 4am in the morning now and another night of not being able to sleep. The slow agonizing progress feels being dragged back and forth out and in hell. I slowly feel im running out of options. She, my ex that is, has no idea what painim going through.

I'm sorry to hear that. Hang in there buddy. A lot of us are with you and know what you're going through. A lot of them in the same position as you, but when you read the boards, you'll see a lot of people that have been there and now are over with it.

Cling on to that thought: eventually you'll let the past behind. Just keep reading here, keep posting. We're all hearing you!

[wanttoknowmore]

Harm,

Man, I salute you for your determination to emerge out of this painful state of mind. You are in pain but you are helping others like me by sharing your feelings. We are  strong and will be stronger... . one pwBPD can not destroy us. I am confident that we will conquer this pain and prevail. Pain gives depth and stimulates deeper thinking ... . causing more self growth. Lets feel our pain and grow stronger, wiser and more compassionate. Lets try to forgive that poor little emotionally damaged girl... .   she has lot of more suffering left to endure in the future. Hope she does not destroy more caring people like you.

I told her in my last text "I think you have Borderline personality... . please don't destroy more men whose only mistake is to love you."

I dont care if she hates me,gets more angry ... .   I know  one day she will remember   me   as a bold man who was not afraid to tell her the truth. I dont even expect that. Lets liberate ourself from all expectations from her.

[HarmKrakow]

Harm,

Man, I salute you for your determination to emerge out of this painful state of mind. You are in pain but you are helping others like me by sharing your feelings. We are  strong and will be stronger... . one pwBPD can not destroy us. I am confident that we will conquer this pain and prevail. Pain gives depth and stimulates deeper thinking ... . causing more self growth. Lets feel our pain and grow stronger, wiser and more compassionate. Lets try to forgive that poor little emotionally damaged girl... .   she has lot of more suffering left to endure in the future. Hope she does not destroy more caring people like you.

I told her in my last text "I think you have Borderline personality... . please don't destroy more men whose only mistake is to love you."

I dont care if she hates me,gets more angry ... .   I know  one day she will remember   me   as a bold man who was not afraid to tell her the truth. I dont even expect that. Lets liberate ourself from all expectations from her.

Actually, that last text you send, is to me, indeed a great sign of standing up for yourself!  I wouldn't have had the bollocks to do that to my ex