Good days, bad days and harsh realizations...

[LMNO]

I don't even know where to begin. The attempted recovery process from my former mate is quite the emotional rollercoaster. I have fairly good days, sometimes multiple in a row where she hasn't consumed my mind every minute of the day. With the help of some melatonin, I even sleep fairly regularly now. And then I have days like yesterday where I wake up and the depression is back  in full force. Every other day seems like one step forward, two steps back. I constantly read that this is normal, but in my case, having been separated from this woman once before for just shy of 3 years, it never went away. It was a lot easier at the time since I was home, had booze to get me through my sorrows, friends to converse with, and multiple other avenues of escaping the pain. I am honestly a bit happy I am here dealing with it now, since I don't have alcohol to cope with these feelings, as I realize it go me no where near "healed" as I sometime hope to be in my future. The problem is I have 4 months left, and cant fathom all 120+ days being like this. I can only work out so much to keep my mind off of her.

I have noticed it def gets multiplied when I have to speak to her on the phone, regarding issues with our son. Just the sound of her voice makes me extremely sad and rehashes all the pain. At times it also makes me want to rage. She is very good at throwing in little comments here and there, knowing how much I love her, and how much I'm hurting inside, yet not caring one bit. As much as I know I should hate this woman with all I have inside, I just cant bring myself to it. From what I read, indifference is the ultimate goal, and its hard to see myself getting to that point, especially since I never have in the past.I'm super jealous of this other guy, even though deep down I feel I should realize that he has done me a favor.

I just finished reading a book called " Narcisstic Lovers", as I'm waiting on some books to show up about BPD and other things of that nature. When it comes to being a co-dependent, which everything I read has clearly pointed out I am or was, it honestly makes me want to vomit at times. It's almost shameful to me that I have allowed myself to be put through what I have time and time again. How does everyone here cope with those sorts of feeling? I feel throughout my relationship with her, she turned me into a person I am not. When reading things, I sometimes get glimpses of things I have done it the past, that seem very narcissistic, that were reactions to things she has done. All her sneaking around and lies, made me extremely insecure. I at times started to mimic the insecure comments that she would always make to me, and it makes me sick that I at times would stoop to her level. Of course that was always something she used against me(my insecurities), but could never realize that she made me feel that way.

The book also pointed out, and made me realize some issues from my own childhood that I apparently never came to terms with, that basically set me up to be this said "codependent"/doormat to this woman. I now find myself extremely agitated with both of my parents for issues from my past(long story) and am loosing sleep over that as well. My mother is a narcissist/ possible BPD sufferer, who I've always had issues with, and now seeing how almost identical she and the love of my life are, its just ridiculously disturbing. Kinda makes sense now why my sons mother always hated my mom. She hates all the qualities she possess in herself that my mom shows, yet is to loopy to realize she is the same person. These disorders are absolutely crazy to me, and I'm now starting to feel crazy myself for being insane enough to allow someone to treat me like this. To top it off, I still want to be with her, love her more than anything(besides our son obviously), and feel like Ill never recover from this insanity. What is wrong with me?

I am by no means an idiot or blatantly stupid, although some of my actions may contradict that statement. I'm starting to wonder if it is me that is the disordered one. Is this normal during the "recovery" process, that I fear I'll never emerge on the opposite end of?

I'm extremely lost, sad, alone and confused. Now I'm starting to think I'm possibly as sick and twisted as she is. FML 

[Surnia]

Good to hear that you have at least some good moments.

I can relate that your situation as a soldier in a country like Afgh. makes it much more difficult to be relaxed... .   and I can not offer much advise.

I agree with you about the own issues. Many of "us" here brought our part in the relationship. Underlying depression, low self-esteem, weak boundaries are some of them.

Its good to recognize it. In your situation I would suggest to be not too harsh with your self. Can you focus also on positive things about you in the present? Validation for your self, in a very difficult daily situation.

[LMNO]

I'm not actually in the military, but do intel and surveillance for and alongside our military.

I def do see the positives at times, and know I'm not the bad guy the ex makes me out to be. At the same time, it's hard to remain positive after so many years of abuse. I really need to pull my head out of my ___ and get it together.

[HarmKrakow]

I don't even know where to begin. The attempted recovery process from my former mate is quite the emotional rollercoaster. I have fairly good days, sometimes multiple in a row where she hasn't consumed my mind every minute of the day. With the help of some melatonin, I even sleep fairly regularly now. And then I have days like yesterday where I wake up and the depression is back  in full force. Every other day seems like one step forward, two steps back. I constantly read that this is normal, but in my case, having been separated from this woman once before for just shy of 3 years, it never went away. It was a lot easier at the time since I was home, had booze to get me through my sorrows, friends to converse with, and multiple other avenues of escaping the pain. I am honestly a bit happy I am here dealing with it now, since I don't have alcohol to cope with these feelings, as I realize it go me no where near "healed" as I sometime hope to be in my future. The problem is I have 4 months left, and cant fathom all 120+ days being like this. I can only work out so much to keep my mind off of her.

It is normal. It is hell, and unfortunately, hell is normal. Does it get better? People do tell it does get better. I'm in a similar position in regards of time. Ive got 3 months left at a place where i'm currently living, and I can't see myself cope with that for another 90 days, let alone in your case, 120 days.

I have noticed it def gets multiplied when I have to speak to her on the phone, regarding issues with our son. Just the sound of her voice makes me extremely sad and rehashes all the pain. At times it also makes me want to rage. She is very good at throwing in little comments here and there, knowing how much I love her, and how much I'm hurting inside, yet not caring one bit. As much as I know I should hate this woman with all I have inside, I just cant bring myself to it. From what I read, indifference is the ultimate goal, and its hard to see myself getting to that point, especially since I never have in the past.I'm super jealous of this other guy, even though deep down I feel I should realize that he has done me a favor.

I'm in the same boat. I still have LC with her, and now and then she throws out little nasty comments which hurt you immensely and when you would say something about it, she would rage like a monster. Neither can I hate my ex, as I'm just not the hateful person. I've never been a hateful person, nor will ever be.

I just finished reading a book called " Narcisstic Lovers", as I'm waiting on some books to show up about BPD and other things of that nature. When it comes to being a co-dependent, which everything I read has clearly pointed out I am or was, it honestly makes me want to vomit at times. It's almost shameful to me that I have allowed myself to be put through what I have time and time again. How does everyone here cope with those sorts of feeling? I feel throughout my relationship with her, she turned me into a person I am not. When reading things, I sometimes get glimpses of things I have done it the past, that seem very narcissistic, that were reactions to things she has done. All her sneaking around and lies, made me extremely insecure. I at times started to mimic the insecure comments that she would always make to me, and it makes me sick that I at times would stoop to her level. Of course that was always something she used against me(my insecurities), but could never realize that she made me feel that way.

Well, let the vomit go out my man, because unfortunately, yet again I can relate to you when I read about all this and due to the immense ~ty feeling, I actually DO vomit. I 1000% relate to the, she turned me into a person who I am not sentence. Again, fully relate. I can't for the first time see myself anymore.

The book also pointed out, and made me realize some issues from my own childhood that I apparently never came to terms with, that basically set me up to be this said "codependent"/doormat to this woman. I now find myself extremely agitated with both of my parents for issues from my past(long story) and am loosing sleep over that as well. My mother is a narcissist/ possible BPD sufferer, who I've always had issues with, and now seeing how almost identical she and the love of my life are, its just ridiculously disturbing. Kinda makes sense now why my sons mother always hated my mom. She hates all the qualities she possess in herself that my mom shows, yet is to loopy to realize she is the same person. These disorders are absolutely crazy to me, and I'm now starting to feel crazy myself for being insane enough to allow someone to treat me like this. To top it off, I still want to be with her, love her more than anything(besides our son obviously), and feel like Ill never recover from this insanity. What is wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong with you. I am 100% the same.

I still want to be with her

I still want to love her

I still want to love her more than anything

And feel like I will never recover from this insanity

I feel you brother, completely. Utterly. 100% On all levels here.

I also feel like I am the crazy one, (my ex even told me after suggesting I told her she had BPD) ... . as I was the one in therapy.

I am by no means an idiot or blatantly stupid, although some of my actions may contradict that statement. I'm starting to wonder if it is me that is the disordered one. Is this normal during the "recovery" process, that I fear I'll never emerge on the opposite end of?

I'm extremely lost, sad, alone and confused. Now I'm starting to think I'm possibly as sick and twisted as she is. FML 

I even thought at some points, she was the sane one and i'm the sick one, however I have a hand full of friends who saw her behavior towards me for months and literally sometimes need to pull me by my head and shake it around and shout, she was the bad one. She has been damaged goods since day 1 and this was never a good relationship to begin with.

I also think, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and, I also think i'm wondering am I the disordered one. Fortunately, I do go to therapy. I have been diagnosed with a burnout and depression. I've lost all energy in hope in everything. How we get out of this is beyond me, I just hope you can relate a little to my post, making you realize, that somewhere, you seriously aren't the only one. Not sure if that is helping, but man, i'm going through the same 'wondering questions', knowing I will never get the answers.

[LMNO]

Harmkrakow, I greatly appreciate your post as well, yet feel horrible you know the pain I feel inside. I wouldn't wish that sort of pain on anyone, including my ex. I just posted up a highly insightful link on this board titled " Great link". You may find it of value as I did.

Good luck to you brother, and everyone on this site as well struggling to put the pieces back together.

[LMNO]

I as well had been told time and time again what a horrible person she was in general, and to me. Yet I never listened. And now here I am.

[charred]

Once you realize the situation, that you fell for someone that isn't what they seemed, that they appear to be a lovely adult that is crazy about you, but they are actually an unruly 3 yr old with barely a sign of conscience... . and that you put them on a pedestal and revered them like your mother... . you really want to get over it.

First thing is the ruminating over it all, which is your bruised ego replaying what was and what you dreamt of... . so past/future... .    but not now. To get back to here/now give mindfulness a shot, it works and is very helpful. I went to a T for my stress/anxiety, as I was torn between my wife I divorced and my pwBPD... . who incited the divorce... .    and he pointed me to Eckart Tolle's "A New Earth"... . which is a good start on mindfulness, "Rewire Your Brain for Love" is a bit better for learning it as it has a lot of mindfulness exercises... . but you can google mindfulness exercises and learn to get relaxed and in the present instead of ruminating on the hurt.

After a week or so of de-stressing and dropping the anxiety down, you probably want to understand why everything happened... . these boards are the best resource around, read the articles;

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm

There are book reviews that will point you to more info to help understand. I wrote up my understanding of what happened... . and it is kind of the essence of the story.

With an understanding and the immediate stress down you can work on recovering... .    which can be a lot of things... . time will help, a good therapist can help. I found that it helped for me to realize that I had lots of issues some minor, some not, that came from my FOO. There is a schema therapy website where you can take a test to see how you function in a number of key life skills/coping areas, and it shows how you compare to normal adults, when you don't you might find that it explains why and then their companion book "Reinventing Your Life"... . which goes in to the schemas and how to fix the ones that are off... . can help. As an example... . self worth comes from within, and someone with high self worth typically sees everyone as worthwhile. However if you have very low self worth or see yourself as better than other people... . it can cause you problems in relationships... . and going back to your FOO, low self worth can come from being berated, told your worthless and many other things like that... . and thinking you are better than other people... . can come from your parents talking down about other people, saying things like "we are Johnson's... . we are better than that" all of which undercuts having a normal healthy viewpoint... . so it gives a way to find issues and deal with them, on your own at your own pace without much $$.

Another issue I had was shutting down emotions... . because they hurt so much, especially being hated by my pwBPD... . my T said it was PTSD, and they can help with that. I also found that even though I have accomplished a lot in my life, it didn't bring me joy, the moments of joy were unplanned things that just happened... . and that disconnection from the source of joy, was due to beating almost all my emotions down in to submission. My theory is a lot of the attraction the pwBPD had to me was due to my emotions being so blunted... . because hers were bigger than life, and the walls I put up to keep people away (which work too well with most people)... . those boundaries... . were completely ignored by her. So, after the devastation she brought in to my life, I want to fix my deficiencies that made her seem like a good choice... . when she wasn't. To do that I need to get in touch with my emotions, which means experiencing them and working through them, instead of trying to avoid them. A very good book on doing just that is "Healing Your Aloneness, Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child."  The title alone made me want to barf... . but... . despite my antagonistic attitude toward touchy/feely BS... . it was spot on... . all they mean by "Inner Child"... . is your authentic emotions... . being free to experience and express them.

You also will hear a lot about codependency... . and I read 6 books on it, 5 were ok... . all said about the same thing, you are codependent when you look for happiness and/or validation from others, not from yourself. There is a brutal article in the articles section of this site on codependency... . it tells it to you straight... . you are not being a good guy when you are being a rescuer/people pleaser in the way that codependent acting gets you to doing stuff... . it undercuts your ability to enjoy life. Like I said 5 books were okay, one was fantastic... . it explained where it came from and why we do it and is worth the read; "Facing Codependence" by Pia Mellody.

You can get those books used on amazon for very little, I dropped at most $15, and when combined with the schema therapy site, and this bpdfamily.com sight, it has me on my way. My T helps a bit, but far less than what I have mentioned... .    is nice to have someone that will listen, that you can be a crying downer with and then just leave it behind without worrying.

Hopefully that can help a bit... . its not "THE" answer, but its the best help I can give.