another meeting with uBPDxw's new husband

[pilgrim]

My ex's husband of 6 months asked to meet with me a second time (met once last fall to introduce himself so I could know who the step parent of my kids will be) regarding relationship with my older daughter 14.

I haven't said anything to him about BPD (acually BPD is my nickname for the ex, but here I mean the disorder).  During our conversation today, he wondered why my ex and I can't sit down and have a casual conversation and be on more friendly terms (I set boundaries which are no personal contact unless essential for kids' teacher, therapist, etc. and everything pretty much by email or if urgent by sms - even that's too much contact for me, but we're parenting two kids with 50/50 custody).  I said I can't discuss that, and that it's water under the bridge, we're both making a fresh start.

He thinks it affects the kids to see their mom and dad not speaking, for the most part, to each other.  I treat their mom civilly and say hello on the rare occasion I see her, but no conversation.  When I bring kids to school by taxi in the morning, they take a detour to her elevator to pick up lunch she makes them (we live in same building) and I walk a different route and meet them on the other side so their mom and I don't have contact.  She wants personal contact with me, I want none with her.

I guess the way it is now isn't optimal but it's better for the kids than the over the top screaming and raging that used to be inflicted on me regularly.  I think I'm taking care of me by paring down personal contact with her to as little as possible.  And I learned from him that she's still quite emotional about me, burning up in anger and tears, though it was 4 years ago we separated due to her cheating.  Another very good reason for no personal contact.

Other thing is, he revealed that she has banned him from seeing his friends in this apartment complex, they're too rowdy or whatever excuse she came up with, hearing that was so familiar, the isolating you from friends, family.  I experienced this deeply and it was really bad.  Of course, he doesn't have a clue where this is leading.

He seems a decent guy and my ex has already exposed my kids to at least one indecent guy, so I don't want to say anything like "your wife is a personality disordered abuser and con artist."  On the other hand, it's like watching a tarantula spider slowly trapping the prey and ensnaring it . . .

Do I have some ethical duty to warn this guy?  I don't think he'd believe me and if word got back to my ex, it would spell trouble for our coparenting relationship and harm the kids too.

In a sad way, it's confirmation for me, watching what's happening.  He has cancer and is an older guy.  If he's a decent guy, which he seems, he could be a good adult presence for my kids.

Thanks for reading.  Comments welcome.  We won't be in same apartment building much longer, all of us are moving back to U.S., same city, this summer.

P

[blecker]

I'm amazed at your introspection. You seem to really try to find the best in this situation.

My advice would be to always ask, "What is in the best interest of the children?"

Everyone else is an adult and should find their own way through whatever maze they create.

Wow... .   to be aging, have cancer and start a relationship with a BPD... .   sometimes I'm convinced there is no God.

[arabella]

Do I have some ethical duty to warn this guy?  I don't think he'd believe me and if word got back to my ex, it would spell trouble for our coparenting relationship and harm the kids too.

I struggle with this myself. Where does my ethical obligation, you know, being a decent human being, start and end? There are certain codependency traits that pop up when I start interfering in my dBPDh's relationships with others but, at the same time, some of those other people are very nice and don't deserve what's coming. In your case, you're right, I don't think you can say "your wife is a personality disordered abuser and con artist." However, you could gently point out that isolating oneself from one's friends is not healthy and just suggest that he make sure to take care of himself. That says nothing about your wife and it is good advice for anyone. Completely fair. It might also give him some food for thought as he rides the crazy train. Let him know you're available any time if he needs input re the children or anything. This gives him an opening to talk to you in the future if/when things start going downhill - at least you can catch it, or be aware of it, before it starts to really affect your kids.

[pilgrim]

Thanks again, blecker, there actually is a lot of good in the situation (meaning it could be much worse).

I guess God gave us each freedom of choice and a mind capable of rational thought, but yes it makes you wonder.

arabella, your comment makes sense.  Today he sent me an email suggesting that a topic for family therapy could be improving the relationship with my uBPDxw so that we could sit down and have a friendly conversation.  My response will probably be that there are good reasons for the boundary I put up, but I'm not at liberty to discuss them. 

I can see that her BPD is becoming the elephant in the living room (well maybe one side doesn't know about the elephant) in my relationship with her husband.  I told him at the outset that I can discuss things related to the kids, but re: my marriage to their mom and what transpired, it's better to let dead dogs lie . . .  OK enough with the animal metaphors!

P

[arabella]

Yes, I can see how your ex's issues could very well be hovering just out of sight. How frustrating!

You could also say to him (your email response) that as much as you would like to have productive conversations with your ex, you don't feel that is realistic at this point in time. You can tell him anything you like, obviously, but perhaps he'd be more convinced if you told him that you sought therapy of your own (either an actual T if you saw one, or the therapy you receive from sites like this - you don't need to specify) and that it was recommended that you not interact with your ex yet. It's hard to argue with a 3rd party opinion, so that might satisfy him. It's just a suggestion, you may not feel comfortable with this, but I thought I'd throw it out there for you to consider. He can't really argue with your personal health needs, but the focus definitely needs to be on you and not her - otherwise you'll be getting onto thin ice. I think a firm, "I'm really not able to discuss my relationship with ex with you, I hope you understand" should suffice (hopefully). Good luck!

[MaybeSo]

It takes two to argue. there's a lot of skills training tools to better communication with a high conflict individual on the Staying board.  It's not just geared to those staying for romance; many have to keep limited contact because of kids.

Keep focusing on what is best for the kids.

Should the new guy be warned of her behavior with you?  He's an adult. Better use of your time and energy can be spent  on things you can control, eg. Yourself. If her new man is willing to allow a woman or any person to isolate him socially that's his choice and his choices are made  for his own complex reasons far beyond either you or her.