Need support, had a terrible set back.

[Dave44]

Really could use some support today. I've been doing SO  much better as of lately but today I had a terrible set back. As some of you may or not know my story by now about my very short but intense relationship with my 37 year old ex. How she was the most wonderful woman I had ever met, her two kids providing me with unconditional love. The "family" we were etc etc, you know the rest.

27 days after giving up all of my stuff except my TV and clothes to move in with her she brutally dumped me leaving me homeless and in a hotel for a week. I never heard from her again.

Of course she immediately cut me out of her life in every way shape and form including deleting and blocking me in facebook. Of course I panicked and set up that fictitious account so I could view her page and what not. After a few months tried getting in touch with teo of her ex's I had names off. They were more than willing to share their story. Low and behold their story was almost identical to mine. At the time I also messaged several random people on her FB list to get in touch with people who knew her in an attempt to find some answers? Well I messaged several people, just random guys from her FB list. I haven't checked it for a long time as none of them replied and I found I was just obsessively viewing her page.  However this morning I had the urge to. I didn't look at her page and I don't want to. I was just checking for messages and one of the guys got back to me. Here is word for word what he said. Now keep in mind I have no idea who this is, just a completely random guy I picked of her FB list:

"Awe Dave,

Sorry to hear she got in your head. I think many people have had a brief relationship with her. She seems to contact me once in a while and wastes my time looking for attention... .   I was actually hoping to talk to her so she would just leave me alone. She is damaged goods in my opinion and will drain your heart of trust and fill your head with BS. Yes, we all miss her blo*jobs but I don't miss her games.

If I know "xxxx", it wouldn't surprise me if it was "xxxx" posing as you. No offense Dave. It's just my experience."

I don't know why this hurt me so much, I mean I shouldn't be surprised given everything I've already found out but boy did it sting. If anything I should just reassure me - which it does but it still really hurts to know I wasn't anything special. Just another idiot.  Was I ever fooled to the worst degree. Here I was thinking what a wonderful woman I had. What a wonderful "family" we had. It is SO hard to picture her like this. I just can't separate the two people. I held her in such a high regard! Man I'm hurting right now.

[blecker]

I feel bad for you Dave. I have been there in that hell of discovery. They say that the Truth will set you free but boy does it ty you up first.

My only real suggestion at this point is stop swimming with the alligators. If you don't want to be bit, lose a leg or your heart you have to stop.

Lock her out. Lock you out. No more Facebook. No more looking for things that will hurt you. You don't have to punish yourself. You did nothing wrong.

She is not going to morph into what you dreamed of.

It will get better if you let it.  

[VeryFree]

I just can't separate the two people.

Don't seperate. See them as one, cause they are.

We all look back at our x's with a lot of grieve, because they all had something (or a lot) we loved. Unfortunately that love wasn't returned. It seemed it was (in the first fase).

We all look back what happened after that first nice fase. What did we do wrong, why couldn't we act different so that the r/s would work? That kind of thoughts say more about us, than it does about our x's. We tried and tried and tried and didn't want to see the   .

Finally after all things come together we have to look in the mirror and there is a big confrontation with ourselves: we all thought we were special to our x's, but it turns out it was all about them instead of about us. And that hurts.

But don't forget: maybe our x's eventually acted like we weren't special, but we are! We tried to make a difficult relationship work untill we almost drowned. And that is very special!

Take care!

  

[Dave44]

Thanks guys. I'm very upset right now. Just that phrase about the sexual part. Such a harsh thing to hear said about someone you truly thought was an upstanding woman, mother... .   person. It really hurts.

[whereisthezen]

Really good advice. With body's don't go digging, because it is their nightmare not yours. Keep yourself clean, wise, healthy and surrounded by other loving people. Close your Facebook or delete any/all connections to her. She has a serious illness that like all our partners can and will hurt us if they choose to continue in their behaviors. Keep yourself safe and away from this kind of news. Don't, don't go there otherwise you might not be you much longer and somewhere out there lies a good relationship for you. Get yourself ready for you and eventually the right partner.

[whereisthezen]

Uggh auto correct

"with BPD's"... .  

[whereisthezen]

And Dave, so you don't feel alone, I wouldn't ask like you did because I know I'd get a similar reply and I just can't bear that at this time. Id be really sick not even heartbroken, Id be ill for weeks. You now know it, protect yourself and your heart and keep moving away from her.

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry Dave, I know exactly how you feel, I was exactly where you are.  Facebook is relatively new, but BPD isn't, and using Facebook at this point is a sure way to make you feel worse; find a way, any way, to not visit her page.  You sound emotionally enmeshed still, and you must disconnect from that so you can start healing you.  I know it's hard.

It's been over 7 months of no contact with my ex BPD, and at this point the thing that sticks is how completely enamored I was with her in the beginning, how perfect she seemed, how it was a dream come true, the woman I'd waited my whole life to meet, and having to accept, once the relationship ended and I learned, that what she was doing was mirroring me and attaching to me, which is what BPD's do to feel whole.  She was extremely good at it, hence my elation and euphoria, and her thought process was nowhere near mine.  BPD's are disordered individuals, and attaching to someone is literally life or death in their heads, so they learn how to be who they need to be to attach, which felt absolutely amazing on my end.  But it wasn't real, not the way we define real, it was disordered thought.  The best thing you can do is disconnect and start working on you, by doing whatever you have to, including showing up here.  Good luck man, we're here.

[BradyK]

Dave44 --- I get it and really feel for you. We all do! I too have had -- and continue to have -- setbacks that make me think I have taken 1000 steps backwards in my healing. But actually, the recovery time gets shorter and shorter -- from weeks, to days, to hours. Maybe I couldn't handle the complete truth about him at the time, and these little glimpses of reality, though painful, do serve to ground me in reality more completely, little by little. In that way, these set backs are good and useful. I try to see it that way.

Like the others have said, I wouldn't suggest deliberately seeking out info about her (because that puts your focus on her and the past, not you and your future) but if some info accidentally comes your way in the future, just feel it and trust that the pain will pass quicker this time than last time. Reality is good.  At least that has been my experience. Hope it helps.

[Dave44]

Thanks everyone. I don't know why I bothered to sign onto that account and check. I guess maybe in an attempt to hope to prove she isn't BPD? Although at this point I think it's safe to say I need to accept it. I mean what are the odds I pick a completely random guy from her FB to message and that be his response? I don't know why it hurt me so much, it's been 4 months NC now. I know I've be complaining about the fact that she shut me out and never contacted me but its examples like this that are making me start to believe maybe that is for the best. Maybe contact from her would be even more painful than today's example?

I'm just so desperately tying to prove she isn't BPD but like I said, after that message is be an idiot to think others wise... .   right?

[HarmKrakow]

I'm just so desperately tying to prove she isn't BPD but like I said, after that message is be an idiot to think others wise... .   right?

No. You are desperately trying to acknowledge to yourself, that YOU meant something SPECIAL to her. Which is normal, which is a sane thing to do, which is something everyone does here, and which is something everyone here gets hurt by because all our ex BPD seem to move on so seemingly easy.

Unfortunately, we made a mistake by not seeing the red flags of a borderline and therefore, we, as NONS, we got hurt. And now we are in pain.

But you are not desperately trying to prove she is BPD or not

[mtmc01]

I have this problem too. I can't stop trying to justify that what we had MEANT something to her. Same questions... .   how can she move to a new guy after a few weeks when we were engaged, how can she treat me with such coldness and contempt, how can she not accept any responsibility, how can she not remember the good times, how can she not have a single moment where she wants to contact me, how could she go from wanting to kill herself if I left and not being able to live without me to wanting nothing to do with me in just over a month, etc. The best way to make sense of it is to realize you can't make sense of it. Which is very difficult to do.

[HarmKrakow]

I have this problem too. I can't stop trying to justify that what we had MEANT something to her. Same questions... .   how can she move to a new guy after a few weeks when we were engaged, how can she treat me with such coldness and contempt, how can she not accept any responsibility, how can she not remember the good times, how can she not have a single moment where she wants to contact me, how could she go from wanting to kill herself if I left and not being able to live without me to wanting nothing to do with me in just over a month, etc. The best way to make sense of it is to realize you can't make sense of it. Which is very difficult to do.

Yip. The more you try to wrap you head around it, the more it hurts.

[Wooddragon]

Dave - I have been following your posts on here and really feel for what you are going through   - I think harm has hit the nail on the head. I wish I could believe that there was anything about my relationship that was "special" to "us". One of the hardest things is realising that all those incredibly intimate experiences I had were not special at all for him & that even when I thought we were in an exclusive loving relationship, he was probably doing that stuff with other women while my back was turned. And he is doing them again now with someone else while saying all those beautiful words to convince her that she is truely loved. It hurts like hell  :'(

[Whichwayisup]

Hey Dave, I'm right with you, except I checked her phone and saw all the messages about her new fella being "special and unique" as well as him getting all the pleasure from her mouth... .   Now I cannot think of anything other than them together and it hurts like crazy, I have no desire at the moment and cannot comprehend how she has moved on from a 13 yr relationship, 3 kids and near 5 yr marriage to simply wash her hands... .   It is neither fair nor rational... .   I'm just glad there is this place so I know I am not going crazy any longer... .  

[mango_flower]

It hurts like hell because you thought it was real.  You thought you were different... .   *sigh*

I completely "get" that.  I thought I was different from her friends/family/ex who had all cut her out of their life... .   I knew she had issues and I was loyal, unwaveringly so.  I was willing to accept all her little flaws.  I never thought she'd leave me, as I was the first one who'd loved her unconditionally.

It hurts like hell, firstly as you've been rejected when you gave your all.

And secondly because it tarnishes and taints what you thought you had.  You feel like a fool.

But you know what - our exes are the fools, as they walked away from something that could have been beautiful.

Please be gentle with yourself - your only fault was to have faith in love.  And really, that's not bad at all xxx

[Dave44]

Than you to everyone for replying. It's been a very tough day. I feel like I took 100 steps back.

I emailed that guy back and told him I can't bare to hear anymore details. I thanked him for taking the time to get back to me but it would hurt to much to hear anything else.

For me I'm really struggling with accepting that that is who she truly is... .   really struggling. To me she was an upstanding woman who had a few bad relationships with a few bad guys. A dedicated mother who always put her daughters first. A classy woman. That's who she was to me and I thought I had hit the jackpot. To find out she's a promiscuous woman who feeds off men sexually hurts. To find out the true scope of men she's been with and the lies she fed me regarding that is devastating. I just can not see her like that... .   at all!

Why would she want to live her life like that? I mean if she was 22... .   22ish, yea ok I could maybe understand but this is a 37 mother of two beautiful young daughters. Why would she want to conduct her life in this manor? It's such a waste. She's incredibly beautiful ensuring this cycle will continue and she will never have to face herself or the damage that she's done. I'm convinced, she has no conscious what so ever. I'm scared that I was so easily fooled. 

[Blessed0329]

Dave, you may want to consider the source of this information. I know you solicited it, but the guy that responded sounds bitter, and like he has an ax to grind with her. He even speculated that she was posing as you to solicit responses, and this suspicion could have skewed his answer. I am not sure you should accept this at face value, quite frankly.

[Dave44]

Hi everyone. Here's another e-mail reply from that guy. Wow... .   that's Ll I can say. UN-BELIEVABLE. I'm shocked guys. I guess there is NO question now that she is a BPD. I'm so sad :-(


":)ave... .   stop asking yourself questions about reason. You will go crazy. It is not you that screwed up. Remember this. You are obviously a good man and you are trying to piece it all together; It won't. I won't offer an apology because the comment was not anything but an accurate comment, rather than an insult.

I find a lot of this strange though. Your email just arrived in my box... .   I never saw it until the day I emailed you. It could be that new damn smart phone... .   since I have accessed the internet with that, I have been lost since. She also contacted me and wanted to go for coffee. I foolishly accepted but it was so I could talk to her and tell her to leave me alone. I was involved with her 8 years ago and she still tries to toy with my life every 6 months to a year. It's very disruptive. Let alone, she has no intention of seeing me, she just wants to collect inventory so she has back up.

I am sure you are not happy to read all this but you did start it. I got rid of her phone numbers a few years ago. Do you have a number or is she the type that changes her phone number all the time? I want to tell her to stop getting in touch with me... .   That is actually how I found your email; I was trying to find old emails or something, so I could send her that request.

You actually believed she was only with 4 guys? Straighten up dude. I mean that in a perk you up and set you strait sense. I am not a d*ck.

R"

[Dave44]

Really struggling today. It's just so hard to accept and now after this I have no option but to accept it. It just makes me feel worthless... .   so worthless. It reminds me of the article "realizing you weren't that special". I wasn't anymore special than any of the clearly numorouse previous men -- that hurts deeply. It is so so hard for me to accept that THAT is who she really is and not the person I knew/was dating. I just can't begin to fathom why at 37 years old she chooses to live her life like this? What a waste of such a beautiful woman/mother. I'm really hurting.

[Whichwayisup]

Your pain really comes across in the words you use Dave.

The boundary you can question now is whether you are prepared to tell yourself that she has moved on through her behaviours and the likely (as unlikely as it may seem) possibility that she may well contact you in a while to keep you hooked... .   Do you want to be hooked or be strong enough to wriggle off and find a better area?

I have today found a business card in my stbxBPDw personal belongings, makes me think, was it an innocent encounter or a longer term but actually it really doesn't matter, what's done is done, its up to us to forge the future.  I know it is intensely difficult but questioning everything simply will not help... .   Focus on how you can act and learn in the forthcoming... .   Your body is also likely to be in a state of anxiety/stress/shock... .   Give yourself the best chance to heal... .  



whichwayisup

[Dave44]

Your pain really comes across in the words you use Dave.

The boundary you can question now is whether you are prepared to tell yourself that she has moved on through her behaviours and the likely (as unlikely as it may seem) possibility that she may well contact you in a while to keep you hooked... .   Do you want to be hooked or be strong enough to wriggle off and find a better area?

I have today found a business card in my stbxBPDw personal belongings, makes me think, was it an innocent encounter or a longer term but actually it really doesn't matter, what's done is done, its up to us to forge the future.  I know it is intensely difficult but questioning everything simply will not help... .   Focus on how you can act and learn in the forthcoming... .   Your body is also likely to be in a state of anxiety/stress/shock... .   Give yourself the best chance to heal... .  



whichwayisup

Thank you whichwayisup,

Regarding if she contacted me at some point in order to re engage or keep me around there is no doubt I would never fall for it... .   not a chance. After digging into her past and finding everything that I've found there's no way in hell I could. That's the thing about "digging", people say don't bother it only leads to more hurt. Which, I totally agree with. However, if it wasn't for the fact that I did some research on her I absolutely would have taken her back if she contacted me. Knowing what I now know though that would be impossible. It's at least saved me a recycle attempt and likely a hell of a lot more hurt.

That being said it does tremendously devastate me and shatter my self esteem knowing full well that I was sharing a home, a bed and a family with someone I knew absolutely NOTHING about. It has cut deep and the scars will remain for a very, very long time. I also find myself questioning how will I ever trust again? I had no reason to not believe everything she told me so what's to say the next women I'm involved with isn't lying to my face either? It's a tough pill to swallow.

Unfortunately the real victims here are her two beautiful, wonderful daughters. I can now only imagine how many men have come in and out of their lives. What a shame. Here I was made to believe that all she was looking for was a father for her kids and creating a safe, loving family atmosphere for them. I was so looking forward to the future of that. What a fool I was. Jokes on me I guess.

[Whichwayisup]

I'm with you on that, I feel shame for not walking away and do feel very foolish but I know it was with the best of intent and the lure of an unhealthy love, but love on my part nonetheless.

You are of course right to think of the innocents affected by such selfish behaviour, I have three kids who have already been poisoned away from me in the space of 7 days- my own son said he didn't want me to watch him play football today, I was gutted.  But I have to be strong for them as they are still under her 'spell' and it will be broken for them sooner or later... .  

You mention trust issues and I can't disagree cos my happy complete family life is now a distant memory but I have also realised the invaluable support from family and colleagues, some of the real positive is seeing that some are supporting me simply for me being me... .   No more asked of me... .  

We all have a long and difficult road to walk from this point onward, I wish you well in your journey... .  

Whichwayisup