Need Advise - Dealing with the Past

[DazedButNotConfused]

Hi All!

I have been reading (and reading and reading!) since I've become a member here. I don't usually get to post - my dBPDh is seems to always be around!

I am coming to you for advice. Today, my husband presented me with a list of things that  hurt him. Most concern my past (things I did prior to knowing him!) or things that I said prior to having a diagnosis of his condition or were said when we were just dating. The things I did prior to knowing him - well ... .   those I have no idea how to address! They were just things that single people do - dating, semi-serious relationships, etc  - stuff I guess NONs just don't give a whole lot of thought to.

The things I said while we were dating (like "I had a wonderful relationship with my deceased husband" or "After my husband died, I did some really weird things. I even had a one night stand." again, devistating to him but not so bad in Non thiinking. How do I address those?

And stuff I said since we were married - nothing  about him but how I feel about myself  -  all seem to exact great pain.

He wants to have a "meeting" about these things tonight. I am ... .   scared. I don't want to screw this up.

Any ideas?

(Sorry this is written so badly. He is in the next  room and I am not real keen on him walking in here and finding me doing this!

DBNC

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[whereisthezen]

Maybe just listen and try not to say much. He'll probably need validation so no response on what can I do going fwd now will be of much help. If you cant validate, maybe say " let us sleep on it" and we'll look at it with a fresh mind in the morning? Most of all keep calm, anxiety doesnt help us, we already know whats going on. Head up, keep calm, speak slowly if you need to ground him. Good luck!

[HarmKrakow]

good luck indeed

[123Phoebe]

Hi DBNC

Just wondering if the issues about your past have been talked about before?  I think I'd feel a little apprehensive about going to a 'meeting' about it

Validate his emotions, don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain), if this is something you can't get out of  And if you start to feel uncomfortable, take a time out.  :)on't stick around for emotional battery of any kind.  What happened in the past is in the past.  

 

[DazedButNotConfused]

Well ... .   The meeting is over and done - and actually went as well as could be expected. the fallout of the "meeting" didn't hit till hours later.

It all centered on his jealously. Basically, he is jealous that I had a life before him. Everything, everyone, every feeling I have ever had, he is jealous of. Now he tells me he is dead inside and that we have no relationship. All I did was answer his questions - all the while being very careful not to upset the apple cart.

He is now angry at me ( yet again ) And has turned back to his old friend, the bottle ( better than the street drugs he was doing last week, i guess)Sheesh! I didn't call this stupid meeting. I wish I had found a way out of it.

Not feeling real good right now... .