help please

[firefly360]

 I just ended my relationship with my girlfriend (she has BPD) for 3 years. She cheated on me 3 times first year then 2 years went by decent. But last 2 months I've caught her cheating. All of a sudden she wants guy friends to hook up with, shes back into drugs, lying, stealing (which has always been a problem). She wants me being ok with all that. She told me she wont change herself for the better and she doesnt think she needs counselling. So I felt I had to end it.

But here's the problem I can't tear myself away. But I feel if I don't I'm going to fall apart. I've tried doing past activities I used to do before I met her but its not working. I feel drained is this normal?

[paperlung]

The fact that she doesn't want to change her behavior alone is more enough of a reason for you to walk away. No, run.

She sounds like bad news, and yes, it's totally normal to feel drained. Relationships with pwBPD are emotionally exhausting! 

[HarmKrakow]

I agree with paperlung.

Yes it is normal to feel utterly mentally completely screwed over and feeling dead empty in the gutter after a BPD break up.

[jdcthunder14]

The boards are full of the pain and confusion of a post BPD relationship... .   heck any three year relationship to hard to let go of. Lots of time, money, energy etc invested. With two posts to you credit you are just starting this journey. The most important thing I can say is allow your feelings to happen. A lot of us fight ourselves along with the pain and make it twice as bad.

[BradyK]

Hi Fireflyx29 -- I agree with the others. It sounds very "normal" to feel drained and unable to enjoy life right now! However, it is not a good thing if it goes on too long. You could get a professional to help you determine if you are clinically depressed, and get help with that, if you need to. I did and it was really helpful. I just could not "bounce back" after what I thought was a reasonable time, despite my best efforts and all my great friends trying to distract me with fun activities.  Just a thought.

Good for you for making the decision to end it when you realized she would not change. It concerns me that you say you "can't tear myself away". Is there any way you can put some distance between the two of you and get some balance back? Limit or eliminate contact with her for a bit? Would this help you feel less drained? It helped me.

[dshannon123]

I feel your pain. My ex of 7 years did the same. She cheated multiple times but always found ways to blame me. I was the suspicious one. I was the one who was insecure. Once she even claimed to be out with a girlfriend and when it came to my attention she was with another man, she said she didn't tell me because she didn't want to "hurt" me! Imagine that! Its better to lie because that supposedly hurts less!

You will feel used and abused for some time because you were. Like me, you need to seek help and understand why you feel a need to fix her. You also need to understand why you feel you need her. BPDs use people and think nothing of it. I do not believe they are capable of feeling any real empathy. Thats part of the disorder it appears. It will get better but for now, have no contact with her. You need time to heal and get re-centered.

[firefly360]

Thank you everyone. I'm now having family from hers? and mine helping me out. It turns out that is now why her family don't contact her anymore they couldn't handle her.