I'm new to this forum. My wife has BPD. I have LOTS of videos/audios.

[ogopogodude]

Hello to all. I am new to these forums. I finally found out what my wife has (BPD) but she refuses help as well as the actual admitting of a problem.

To all non-BPD victims, ( ... .   yes, ... . "victims"... .   this is the proper term in my opinion) I have advice to give... .   But it is ONLY my opinion but it has certainly worked for me.

And that is to video tape the shenanigans of your loved one (temper rages, yelling, abuse, destruction of personal property, etc). This is a matter of protecting yourself as well as your children. But try not to video tape in a manner that will "instigate" an episode of BPD rage... .   but rather in a manner that will be more of a documentary fashion.

Keep in mind, ... . the purpose of doing this: you do not want to ever be in a position to "hope" that the police (or others) "believe" you about a situation that occurred.  

I have dozens of videos of my wife's temper rages. This is ONE thing that I cannot stress enough to have... .   LOTS OF VIDEOS. This will save your skin whenever police or lawyers want to try to claim that you are the instigator or the problematic person.

I am expecting a lot of flak from fellow forum persons here, both BPD and non-BPD alike, ... . on this topic but I can assure you that I got this advice from some expert sources. When the BPD knows that you "have something" on them, ... . you have bargaining power in your corner to set boundaries/limitations that will actually work.

I am actually a very compassionate person and very, very, very knowledgeable in this BPD issue.

One more thing, ... . BPD is starting to be called ERD in the medical arena, ... . for good reason. Who would want the label of having a personality disorder? Emotional regulatory is MUCH more appropriate,... .   yes? I much prefer this term ERD.

Anyways, ... .  

[byasliver]

How do you get those recordings without enraging them even more? I know if I took out my camera or an audio recorder, my uBPDh would probably destroy it or shut down completely to keep me from recording anything.

[OTH]

Are you in divorce proceedings? What is your current situation and future plan to deal with this? It is fine to protect yourself in the short run but this doesn't sound like a viable long term solution.

[ogopogodude]

Yes, ... . I am in divorce proceedings. I really did not want to part ways, ... . but I finally realized AFTER FOUR years that I cannot live like that anymore... .  

I have bought lots of covert video recorders... .   The key is to get one that doesn't light up a red light and such... .  

An iPnone 4s or 5 ... .   are excellent choices... .   And hide them well... .   in a book shelf or something.

[ogopogodude]

BTW, ... . it sounds weird, ... . but I actually really still love my wife. But I do feel much more happy being on my own without the screaming and yelling.

[pallavirajsinghani]

The board members very often advice video/audio recording.  We understand the practical need for it.  So we do not judge the act of recording as immoral or unethical.  Of course, its legality should to be researched on a case by case basis and there are certain unwritten ground rules. (For example, do not be the instigator of the incident... .   as you mention youself).

Do post the circumstances of your recordings and how they have helped you and how they may have helped your spouse even.

Perhaps your experiences can be helpful to others too.

[OTH]

We cross posted. I added. I have no problem with it. You have to protect yourself until the divorce is final and she moves on. Was hoping you weren't suggesting this was a way to keep her in line in a continuing relationship. Btw

[ogopogodude]

The initial reason I video taped was to bring the "evidence" to my doctor and ask ... . "what the heck is her problem"... . type of thing.

[ogopogodude]

The 1st time I went to my therapist (a registered psychologist) I entered his nicely furnished office and then I put my keys,cell phone and wallet (the THREE ESSENTIALS of a non-BPD person who needs to escape from a potential brewing episode) up high on curio/vertical bureau.

My wife is quite short. As a way of keeping things away out of site from her etc, ... . I would always put things high out of reach like a child.

Anyways, ... . my therapist immediately knew what my problem was... .     He said to me ... .   "Hello, ... . you are a victim of spouse with rage issues ... .   am I correct?"

I said, ... . "yes, ... . how did you know?" ... .   and he replied... . "you  have your innate and learned escape plan already in place"... .   (meaning, ... . I grab my keys, ... . cell and wallet and exit from my wife when I sense she is starting to channel an evil spirit from the underworld).

(the only thing I had given prior to my session was that I said to the receptionist that I need advice about my wife who I suspected had BPD)

[OTH]

Wow... .   sorry to hear that. Hard place to be. My ex was mostly acting in with serious shame issues although she had her moments. I always handled it well though and just left. If we were out I drove  us home and then left.  It is difficult when you first get out. Just trying to get your mind to let go of the constant stress and drama on top of trying to settle all the hurt emotions. It is a battle. Good luck.

[Surnia]

 

ogopogodude

So sorry to hear about the mental illness of your wife. I hear some anger in your words.

Sounds like you are in a high conflicting divorce. How old are your kids?

[ogopogodude]

Yes, ... . you are very perceptive. I do have anger... .   but it is more of a anger mixed in with a LOT of confusion. I look back at what I could have done differently. But noting worked. I tried for almost four years.

[momtara]

I agree about ERD.  Hope more people start calling it that so it's taken more seriously and no one is so defensive.  It definitely is an emotional disregulation issue.

[ogopogodude]

Inside each and every one of us is a little light bulb that would and should go on and this is called "insight". My wife does not have this (anymore). All the sources that I researched said to talk rationally and logically at a period of calm with your BPD loved one.

  But that never worked at all, ... . that would just make her go into another episode. She would talk in circles again over and over and say "why do you always live in the past?" (referring to her bizarre behaviour ... .   ). But the past was literally just yesterday.

   BPD bewilders me. I know that there are various degrees of it. One thing is certain, ... . I would not have married her if she had these episodes (and this talking in circles nature) back when we were in our twenties. I knew she had a slight temper but I could live with that (at the time).

   Well, ... . I'm almost fifty and my wife is 8 years my junior. She has gotten progressively worse especially in the last three years. But her side of the family tried (and still tries) to deny that she has a problem mainly because this trait is certainly passed down from her awful tempered  (but really rich father). My mother-in-law, who I HAD a fantastic relationship with for 16 years, has put up with my father-in-law's temper and child-like behaviour and I figure she thinks that I should do the same with my wife (their daughter).

    I have the key to my in-law's skeleton closet and they think that I have exposed these skeletons by diagnosing my wife with this problem.  My in-laws have a vested interest in keeping me quiet. Which I try to do, ... . but what I do is called "damage control".  When my wife has an episode I have to explain to others around me that my wife is "troubled" and I try to leave it at that ---unless this friend who witnessed an episode wants to know more and wants to help (which always turns out to be fruitless effort) . I have tried to many times to try to talk calmly about my wife to each and every one of my in-law family members but they all have shunned me out. But I have accepted that.

  My story goes on forever, ... . it really does. My wife comes from a very dysfunctional (but wealthy) family. My wife's brother and sister are in business together (for decades now)  and they are now now actually suing each other.  It really is bizarre.

[ogopogodude]

My kids are teenagers. ... .   my daughter is almost 16 and my son is 13 1/2 years old. They are wonderful kids. And I teach them about talking openly about alcoholism (my wife has a wine intake issue) and about BPD.

   They actually wrote a wonderful letter after I asked them to many times to just "tell the truth".  I was expecting them to address it ":)ear Judge" ... .   or ... .   ":)ear Lawyer" ... .   but my older one addressed it Dear Mom, ... .   and she wrote a wonderful one page letter for her to stop and get help.

   I think I will type it out here word for word... .  

[Thunderstruck]

With recordings... .   definitely check local laws for legality. In my state there needs to be consent if it's in private but in public all bets are off. Funny how my SO started recording their DD exchanges (in public so no consent needed) and his uBPDx now is suddenly nice as can be.

[livednlearned]

Here on the Family Law boards, you will find many here who recommend documenting the behavior. But like others have said, the laws are different in every state so it's good to know how it works where you live (if you plan to use the audio/video for court).

Have you read Splitting: Divorcing a BPD or NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy? That's a gold standard you'll see recommended here often on L3. Also Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak, which is about the parental alienation tactics that many BPD parents use to influence their kids. Yours might not be as susceptible to it, but even so, it's good to understand the kinds of tactics your ex is likely to use on the kids. They may need your help understanding what is happening.

Glad you found the forum. Divorcing someone who is disordered is not easy, and it really makes a difference to get support and feedback from people who understand what you're going through.

LnL

[trappeddad]

I depend on recordings for my upcoming case.         The lawyer wants witnesses, but only the dog hears the rages.     I hope I am not too dependant on the recordings but I feel that is the only way that truth prevails.

[livednlearned]

I depend on recordings for my upcoming case.         The lawyer wants witnesses, but only the dog hears the rages.     I hope I am not too dependant on the recordings but I feel that is the only way that truth prevails.

There are other tools available to you. Depositions and psychiatric evaluations, to name two. I think depositions might even be more powerful, but that's conjecture.

My ex is fond of raging via email. He started to use email during silent treatments, so I have the rages going back a long time. Then we divorced and emailing became his favorite past time while getting drunk. Can you get your ex to channel her rages into email? I have multiple 3-inch 3-ring binders filled with enough fire and rage to heat a small castle.

[Clearmind]

   They actually wrote a wonderful letter after I asked them to many times to just "tell the truth".  I was expecting them to address it ":)ear Judge" ... .   or ... .   ":)ear Lawyer" ... .   but my older one addressed it Dear Mom, ... .   and she wrote a wonderful one page letter for her to stop and get help.

   I think I will type it out here word for word... .  

Please be mindful of your anonymity.

For you and the kids ogopogodude - how you all coping with the strain of the divorce. Are you seeking any therapy?

[ogopogodude]

   I am doing "okay" with the stresses of the divorce, ... . but I just want it to go faster for everyone's sake particularly the children's. All I care about is getting my children into a regular normal life and I am fighting for 100% full custody.n And I should get it given the right judge. By the way, ... . there is a great gem that I found on the internet. When one googles this: BPD and the Triumphant Father ... .   that very short letter by another  man's experiences is really a mirror of my life.

    I also am going to instruct my lawyer to put on the table supervised visits when ever my wife is to see the kids. (her temper rages and emotional abuse that she literally exudes to those around her is just too bizarre and unpredictable (like petting a pit bull dog, ... .   you never know when it is going to nip or literally bite your neck right thru).

    In other words, ... . she is not a fit parent (and it is not just a bitter soon-to-be single man ranting here). I do not want my kids to be exposed to the times when she is starting to channel the evil spirit from the underworld (from the planet Xenon) and then chases them around the house with a a knife.

     A BPD person is ill, ... . that I get. But that person is also responsible for their own behaviour (Randi Kreger's website).  Anyways, ... .   I will not keep the kids from seeing their mom ... .   but they really do not want to spend time with her. They love her, ... . but they do not like her. And of course, ... .   it is ME that is to blame for that ... .   (in her and her kooky family member's minds). I am seen as the one that is creating a PAS scenario (parent alienation syndrome). And I can see that view point.

    But all I have to say to that and to any BPD person, ... .   is admit your problem and get therapy. Jeeeeeesh. I can hardly wait for the judge to view the audio, video and hand written letter of my young teenagers. Then and only then will my wife "get it". Sure , ... .   she will cry in the court  room and come across as the victim , ... . boo hop etc. But she has reaped what she has sown. The evidence I have,... .   will certainly show who the victims truly are... .   (the non-BPD's)

[ForeverDad]

A lot of us had what seemed like ought to have been slam dunk cases.  So obvious.  For whatever reasons, my family court wasn't much interested in recordings.  I even described various times my ex had attacked me while driving, kicking, pulling my hair, etc.  Some I know the court ignored because they occurred more than six months earlier, they were considered 'stale'.  I guess I was supposed to have done something back then, back when I was still trying to hold things together.

Hopefully your case will be clearer for the court to handle.  Since your children are older, they will be able to speak up for themselves, if not to the court, then to the evaluators, social workers or therapists.

(1) Give emphasis to the more recent incidents.  The older incidents may still be useful to establish a long term pattern of behavior, so your spouse can't claim it was just one or two isolated incidents.  (2) Give emphasis to how the children were treated, how they were affected, the court will probably pay more attention to her parenting behaviors than her adult behaviors with you when pondering custody issues.  In my case, my ex ranted and raged at me, but wasn't focused on our preschooler, just ranted and raged in front of him.  When I called CPS before we separated, they told me it wasn't actionable but call back if she directed it at him.  Each state can set different standards for actionable incidents.