Why have I been erased?

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's not a secret from any of my ex's new friends - we were engaged and they know it, apparently (she went crying to them when she perceived it to be over, even though it wasn't).

Looking back through her facebook I noticed that the post she put up when we'd got engaged has gone, with all the comments and likes. It is like it never happened.

She also deleted a photo of us just a month before we split up, looking happy. (I believe she did this because she then added her new gf the next day, and I have a sneaky suspicion that she made out our relationship was over months prior to this).

So the second one I understand (even though I don't like it!) but why erase a post about us getting engaged.  It was supposedly the happiest day of her life (so she told me).

Man, that hurts.

[mango_flower]

It's not a secret from any of my ex's new friends - we were engaged and they know it, apparently (she went crying to them when she perceived it to be over, even though it wasn't).

Looking back through her facebook I noticed that the post she put up when we'd got engaged has gone, with all the comments and likes. It is like it never happened.

She also deleted a photo of us just a month before we split up, looking happy. (I believe she did this because she then added her new gf the next day, and I have a sneaky suspicion that she made out our relationship was over months prior to this).

So the second one I understand (even though I don't like it!) but why erase a post about us getting engaged.  It was supposedly the happiest day of her life (so she told me).

Man, that hurts.

[Wooddragon]

Well if she is like mine & wants to present each relationship as unique & wonderful & the best ever then she probably needs to get rid of evidence that she had been in a serious & happy relationship not too long previously? She needs to have the evidence fit the narrative.

Also mine used to wave his wonderful past relationships under my nose when things started going bad. One day he erased a bunch of photos in one of his rages... .   (my fault of course)

[OTH]

It hurts. I agree. How to you let go when you realize these problems aren't as simple as you thought? How do you let go when you still feel the emotions but your logical mind knows it won't work?

[cal644]

My stbexw also deleted every photo of her and I on her FB - 19 years of pictures of us deleted at the drop of a hat.  I don't know if its becuase seeing us together brought up memories/guilt/shame ... .   I will never know ... .  

[HarmKrakow]

My stbexw also deleted every photo of her and I on her FB - 19 years of pictures of us deleted at the drop of a hat.  I don't know if its becuase seeing us together brought up memories/guilt/shame ... .   I will never know ... .  

As my therapist said, BPDers dont take time to grieve. They are a train, they just move on 24/7. Meaning, a next day evrything could be forgotten about yesterday, They dont cling on things in the past.

However they also dont process past emotionships, meaning always leading again to trouble in the next friendship/relationship, making the cycle round again. Makes sense doesn't it?

[OTH]

So. What now? We recognize this isn't working. Now what?

My stbexw also deleted every photo of her and I on her FB - 19 years of pictures of us deleted at the drop of a hat.  I don't know if its becuase seeing us together brought up memories/guilt/shame ... .   I will never know ... .  

As my therapist said, BPDers dont take time to grieve. They are a train, they just move on 24/7. Meaning, a next day evrything could be forgotten about yesterday, They dont cling on things in the past.

However they also dont process past emotionships, meaning always leading again to trouble in the next friendship/relationship, making the cycle round again. Makes sense doesn't it?

[HarmKrakow]

So. What now? We recognize this isn't working. Now what?

My stbexw also deleted every photo of her and I on her FB - 19 years of pictures of us deleted at the drop of a hat.  I don't know if its becuase seeing us together brought up memories/guilt/shame ... .   I will never know ... .  

As my therapist said, BPDers dont take time to grieve. They are a train, they just move on 24/7. Meaning, a next day evrything could be forgotten about yesterday, They dont cling on things in the past.

However they also dont process past emotionships, meaning always leading again to trouble in the next friendship/relationship, making the cycle round again. Makes sense doesn't it?

I don't know my man. I am just lying in bed, trying to "move on", hoping I won't do something stupid, keep doing therapy and eventually hit the light again while being on AD's and sleep meds for my rest?

The pain is just so overwhelming from time to time. I know the best thing is, to just let it all out from time to time, but man it hurts.

[Vegasskydiver]

My stbexw also deleted every photo of her and I on her FB - 19 years of pictures of us deleted at the drop of a hat.  I don't know if its becuase seeing us together brought up memories/guilt/shame ... .   I will never know ... .  

As my therapist said, BPDers dont take time to grieve. They are a train, they just move on 24/7. Meaning, a next day evrything could be forgotten about yesterday, They dont cling on things in the past.

However they also dont process past emotionships, meaning always leading again to trouble in the next friendship/relationship, making the cycle round again. Makes sense doesn't it?

[HarmKrakow]

My stbexw also deleted every photo of her and I on her FB - 19 years of pictures of us deleted at the drop of a hat.  I don't know if its becuase seeing us together brought up memories/guilt/shame ... .   I will never know ... .  

As my therapist said, BPDers dont take time to grieve. They are a train, they just move on 24/7. Meaning, a next day evrything could be forgotten about yesterday, They dont cling on things in the past.

However they also dont process past emotionships, meaning always leading again to trouble in the next friendship/relationship, making the cycle round again. Makes sense doesn't it?

I don't' see u posted a reaction?

[TheDude]

mango - I wouldn't pretend to have an answer to your question, but I will ask - what possible positives as opposed to negatives are you achieving by scouring Facebook nonsense? Anything? If the goal is to detach, is reviewing her old posts helping to accomplish that? Or is it just making you feel bad? What could you be doing for YOU with the time and emotional energy spent FB ruminating?

[ScotisGone74]

I don't bother looking at the expwBPD's facebook posts or any other stuff she may put out-she was blocking me from seeing she was engaged to the new guy for about four or five weeks, and then someone else told me about it-its just sick when I think about someone could really do that to someone they cared about, she was keeping me around until she was full blown in emotionally with the new guy.  Its not healthy looking at anything a BPD has to say, their pictures, or anyone who 'friends' /engages in listening to their garbage.  They have to erase you for the time being to 'become normal' to the new white knight, otherwise they wouldn't be able to move that fast.  Normal NonBPD people can't move into a relationship at anywhere near BPD speed, probably because we lack the ability to "Erase" others.  They will more than likely think about us and what they have done later as their current relationship goes to hell in a handbasket, but then again who cares what they think at that point. 

You only get maybe one or two of these Erase your Long Term SO entirely actions before everyone else knows you are a full blown nutcase, just saying. 

[HarmKrakow]

I don't bother looking at the expwBPD's facebook posts or any other stuff she may put out-she was blocking me from seeing she was engaged to the new guy for about four or five weeks, and then someone else told me about it-its just sick when I think about someone could really do that to someone they cared about, she was keeping me around until she was full blown in emotionally with the new guy.  Its not healthy looking at anything a BPD has to say, their pictures, or anyone who 'friends' /engages in listening to their garbage.  They have to erase you for the time being to 'become normal' to the new white knight, otherwise they wouldn't be able to move that fast.  Normal NonBPD people can't move into a relationship at anywhere near BPD speed, probably because we lack the ability to "Erase" others.  They will more than likely think about us and what they have done later as their current relationship goes to hell in a handbasket, but then again who cares what they think at that point. 

You only get maybe one or two of these Erase your Long Term SO entirely actions before everyone else knows you are a full blown nutcase, just saying. 

Bingo! Well said

[Seb]

Mango - I know what it's like to be 'erased'. My ex has done this to me in every way possible. She deleted me from everything you can (fb, twitter, skype) and hasn't got in contact with me once since she dumped me almost a year ago now.

From what I can see, it's all to do with core shame. I know after my ex dumped me she was pretty cut up and for a week/ten days afterwards was feeling incredibly guilty for hurting me so much. The last time I saw her, ten days after she dumped me, she was crying and told me I should hate her, why didn't I hate her, and that she'd find it so much easier if I was angry with her. She said that everyone must hate her now, and that she knew I thought she was a wimp. She text me as soon as I left her apt: "I'm so sorry". She was very very upset, and felt very guilty/ashamed of herself.

Since then it's as if a switch has been tripped. She turned from apologetic to blaming and angry overnight - a few days after that meeting. I remember posting here last year, totally astounded at her transformation - I couldn't get over how she could turn on me all of a sudden, when I was the one wronged by her.  In reality, what has most likely happened is that after that meeting, where she felt so ashamed of herself for hurting me and for being a "wimp", she split me and projected her bad feelings on to me. She needed to make me to blame to make her feel better. It's not fair, but one thing we know about this illness is their maladaptive coping strategies, and this is one of them.

My ex and yours... .   they need to devalue us in order to move on *guilt free*, so to speak. As you said, in a way to tell themselves: They deserved it. My ex deleted me from everything and was angry and blaming, texting me with angry messages for a week afterwards. I even had a friend of hers text me calling me an effin idiot    I was so upset! And what confused me even more was a mutual friend told me that her flat was still a shrine to me - all my gifts and cards still laid out on show 6 weeks after she dumped me, while she was very angry and accusatory towards me. Confused the hell out of me at the time - this is what led me to look in to her erratic behaviour!

Your ex deleted those special photos because to remind them of us, and the hurt they've caused, brings about an awful lot of pain and shame - more than we could ever imagine. She cannot live with this new, *all white* version of herself is she has a tangible reminder of a person she let down, and another failed r/s. From what I can see, pwBPD need to move on to the NEW and the hope that this brings. Any reminders of the failed bring this fantasy crashing down.

It's not personal... . this is her way of surviving. To acknowledge the pain and suffering she causes would be too much for her.

I haven't read your posts in a while - sorry - are you two still in contact?

[Hurt llama]

It's not a secret from any of my ex's new friends - we were engaged and they know it, apparently (she went crying to them when she perceived it to be over, even though it wasn't).

Looking back through her facebook I noticed that the post she put up when we'd got engaged has gone, with all the comments and likes. It is like it never happened.

She also deleted a photo of us just a month before we split up, looking happy. (I believe she did this because she then added her new gf the next day, and I have a sneaky suspicion that she made out our relationship was over months prior to this).

So the second one I understand (even though I don't like it!) but why erase a post about us getting engaged.  It was supposedly the happiest day of her life (so she told me).

Man, that hurts.

Sorry you are in pain. I don't remember your exact story but will look later.

As far as her deleting pictures, I know it's easy for me to say, but I wouldn't expect any less from mine and in fact I am not even sure it's so bad that they would do this... . I have done my share of cutting out reminders and at one point anything she touched or had a memory attached I would throw out.

I don't know if it's all that meaningful in trying to understand a BPD by this behavior that is I think typical of many people who want to forget (even for a while to help heal)

[wanttoknowmore]

Mango,

I can imagine how hurtful it may feel being erased like this. My difficulty is just the opposite. My pwBPD after 6 weeks ,has kept pictures on FB the same and is giving full access to her page to me, Showing pics that she is busy doing community service. It keeps me confused and baffled... . why she is not deleting me?

[HarmKrakow]

Mango,

I can imagine how hurtful it may feel being erased like this. My difficulty is just the opposite. My pwBPD after 6 weeks ,has kept pictures on FB the same and is giving full access to her page to me, Showing pics that she is busy doing community service. It keeps me confused and baffled... . why she is not deleting me?

Mine is doing the same here btw... .

[propunchingbag]

When things finally got right down to it she wanted me to delete all the pictures of her and her daughter from my computer and life. She said I did not deserve to have them since I was leaving her. So not only was she going to delete me from her life, she wanted to make sure that I did the same. Amazing eh? It was a real control move on her part and it solidifies why I needed to go.

[bb12]

I am not convinced they erase us completely. I think they 'hide' us... .   from the new one and from their friends.

To their friends, they have made us out to be demonic and awful... .   but they know we were not those things

To their new lover, they need a fresh start... .   need to look like a blank canvas for all that new mirroring

But from what I understand, that 'shrine' stuff is fairly standard. Because of their object constancy and inability to remember us clearly, I think they use photos and other props to remind themselves that the r/ship existed... .   that we existed... .   that THEY exist

The further out of this PTSD i get the more I see the reasoning - baffling as it may be. And I think that their feelings of emptiness can not be over-stated. They have reduced their authentic self to nothingness, with a parade of new false selves for each new major r/ship. We are erased so as to ensnare the new one, and we are forgotten because of how much they live in the moment. But we are not completely erradicated because they need the mementos to remind themselves that they were loved.

BB12

[HarmKrakow]

I am not convinced they erase us completely. I think they 'hide' us... .   from the new one and from their friends.

To their friends, they have made us out to be demonic and awful... .   but they know we were not those things

To their new lover, they need a fresh start... .   need to look like a blank canvas for all that new mirroring

But from what I understand, that 'shrine' stuff is fairly standard. Because of their object constancy and inability to remember us clearly, I think they use photos and other props to remind themselves that the r/ship existed... .   that we existed... .   that THEY exist

I disagree. Not to burst your bubble, and I don't want to offend anyone, but what i've been taught through therapy is quite the contrary. And this is not to sound bitter. The 'disorder' and the female/male exterior cannot be seen apart from each other. They are 1 and the same person.

The further out of this PTSD i get the more I see the reasoning - baffling as it may be. And I think that their feelings of emptiness can not be over-stated. They have reduced their authentic self to nothingness, with a parade of new false selves for each new major r/ship. We are erased so as to ensnare the new one, and we are forgotten because of how much they live in the moment. But we are not completely erradicated because they need the mementos to remind themselves that they were loved.

BB12

They need moments to remind themselves that they were loved? I doubt they considered it love, they as you stated, live in the moment. They live in the now, the reason why they can hurt us so clearly, is because they can 'seemingly' step over us like we are deadweight. Like we did not exist. Why? Because we NON's cling on to the past. We think about the past, we cherish the past. They don't. The past was bad. They think deserve better and no matter how good or bad the r/s was, they end the r/s always in a smear campaign so they confirm to themselves it was good to dump us or to smear us. They MOVE on ... . because they think they deserve better love.

Have you ever seen a BPD breakup which wasn't nasty? Ever? At all? Including the 52152x stories on this forum?

[SarahinMA]

Seb,

Your story is exactly like mine.  After my ex broke up with me, he went back and forth from telling me that I should hate him, that I had horrible taste because I dated him, etc etc. to blaming me, playing the victim, and claiming everyone had turned against him.  It was so frustrating because I was the one heart-broken!  He never once cared enough to ask how I was doing and he definitely erased all trace of me from his life- deleted all photos from FB.

Unfortunately, we live in a fairly small town and share several mutual friends so I have to run into him frequently.  I want to get to that place where seeing him doesn't affect me anymore, but it still stabs me in the heart every time I see him and every time he pretends like he doesn't know me. 

[HarmKrakow]

Seb,

Your story is exactly like mine.  After my ex broke up with me, he went back and forth from telling me that I should hate him, that I had horrible taste because I dated him, etc etc. to blaming me, playing the victim, and claiming everyone had turned against him.  It was so frustrating because I was the one heart-broken!  He never once cared enough to ask how I was doing and he definitely erased all trace of me from his life- deleted all photos from FB.

Unfortunately, we live in a fairly small town and share several mutual friends so I have to run into him frequently.  I want to get to that place where seeing him doesn't affect me anymore, but it still stabs me in the heart every time I see him and every time he pretends like he doesn't know me. 

It will, for a very long time.

I mean, how can you, spend almost every minute together. For a long time. Share everything with each other. Everything. Literally.

And then, fast forward, now it's all back to square one. Nothing. Who is he? Complete stranger. Nothing more... .   it aches. It's one of the reasons why I am still in contact with all my exes ... . and good friends ... . I shop with them, I sleep at their place ... . have fun without mutual interest in regards of wanting to go back to that 'good ol' time.

Besides ... . my ex borderline girlfriend. 

[bb12]

Hey harmkrakow

No offense taken. The beauty of this forum is the expression of different subjective views.

With my second point, I was mainly referring to something that someone wrote about their ex having a shrine to them despite smearing them to friends. Mine did that. Just before he disappeared he asked for all the photos off my phone and laptop. Could I send him copies of all of them!

I actually did it... .   no knowing how ugly our end would be. And I notice (before I blocked him) on Facebook that despite having many bad break-ups before and after me, that photos of these exes were still on the profile section of his home page. He would tell me that X was psycho and yet still have them sitting there staring at him when he logged on.

There was some stuff written a while ago about them 'collecting' us and I concur.

But I do believe that when they were in idealisation phase with us, that it was love. As disordered as the endings were, the period of mirroring (for them and us) was reciprocal, shared, mutual, connected and pretty close to love. Immature, granted. But I would still call it love.

As much as they can split and move on very quickly and we can't comprehend it, this ability does not detract from the good times being love. They only look at the r/s as all bad, after they have split us

BB12

[HarmKrakow]

Hey harmkrakow

No offense taken. The beauty of this forum is the expression of different subjective views.

With my second point, I was mainly referring to something that someone wrote about their ex having a shrine to them despite smearing them to friends. Mine did that. Just before he disappeared he asked for all the photos off my phone and laptop. Could I send him copies of all of them!

I actually did it... .   no knowing how ugly our end would be. And I notice (before I blocked him) on Facebook that despite having many bad break-ups before and after me, that photos of these exes were still on the profile section of his home page. He would tell me that X was psycho and yet still have them sitting there staring at him when he logged on.

There was some stuff written a while ago about them 'collecting' us and I concur.

But I do believe that when they were in idealisation phase with us, that it was love. As disordered as the endings were, the period of mirroring (for them and us) was reciprocal, shared, mutual, connected and pretty close to love. Immature, granted. But I would still call it love.

As much as they can split and move on very quickly and we can't comprehend it, this ability does not detract from the good times being love. They only look at the r/s as all bad, after they have split us

BB12

I'm just being reminded, by everyone, constantly, also when I would go to therapy, that it isn't love. Because if this is love, (as i've witnessed love before in other non BPD r/s) than my sight of idea of love is far from realistic and I might see, urge or thrive towards something in a new r/s to something which wasn't real to begin with.

[OTH]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124607.0;topicseen



Talks about the stages of self and love. Interesting read

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm

How did our relationships do?

I think BPDs do very well in the enmeshment stage of love. I do think it is a genuine attempt to connect. I know I never got to the second stage of love. She just didn't have the tools to get there. We shared a lot in the beginning. Even some of her worries about her mental state. In the end we didn't share much anymore. When she felt me pulling away emotionally she would be nice for awhile and pull me back in. I was her emotional regulator. She needed me as a security blanket. It wasn't love anymore. That is at least my own view.

[hithere]

BPD's do tend to move on quickly but I don't see anything wrong with deleting photos from a social media website, I deleted all my pics of her because we are no contact and she will not be part of my life moving forward, she was also not a positive part of my life history.  Plus I think any new love interest would be a little upset of your social media profile was littered with past gf's or bf's

[KE151]

I agree with hithere. After all, we are told to go no contact to be able to detach properly. Isn't that pretty close to erasure, looking from the other side of the fence... . ? I mean, I blocked her on FB, deleted nearly all photos of her, and have not responded to any of her connection attempts. And I've done this to protect myself.

[HarmKrakow]

I agree with hithere. After all, we are told to go no contact to be able to detach properly. Isn't that pretty close to erasure, looking from the other side of the fence... . ? I mean, I blocked her on FB, deleted nearly all photos of her, and have not responded to any of her connection attempts. And I've done this to protect myself.

Our motive is different than the one from the BPDer