Anybody have experience with a High-Functioning BPD?

[BorderlineMagnet]

My recent ex is a high-fucntioning BPD: hold's down a job, cares for her 2 kids, and her disorder is generally invisible. So much so I forgot she had it when the drama started. She had found a new man 2 months into our relationship, though had grown friendship that started out based on amazing sex, but became a real friendship that turned into dating through the course of 7 months prior. The idealization was there. She made me feel amazing, while not truly being able to accept the good things about her I would compliment her on. I was not her usual type. I'm stable, compassionate, caring, and sweet. She is used to trashy, dumb, sleazy deadbeats. The current man she is with definitely fits into that type. although she was seeing him and began to become extremely inconsistent with me, she would still tell me how important to her life I was, how lucky she was to have me in her life, and that she loved me. Even up to the day before I found out about her and him. I'm wondering what I should expect from her after I confronted her about seeing this guy. I had to tell him about me to even get her to respond, and when she did she went into frantic abandonment mode and chose him. Yet she seemingly took care not to be mean or harsh to me, even though she said at the moment she didn't wanna talk to me again, and not to contact her. I think since I was so different from her usual type, she might see me as a safe place. Plus I heard an emotional response from her when I told her how much she really meant to me, and that I had intended on spending my life with her. It sucked all that BPD anger away and franticness away, and she said bye so sadly. It's been nearly 3 weeks without a peep. I've not contacted her either. Yet I look at her FB page and see interests, and even a recent photo that I could see as being small bread crumbs for me. With her being higher-functioning do you think she will try and reconnect when her current sleazebag screws up, or will the confrontation and me "catching" her be too much for to make an attempt. Driving myself crazy on what to think, just would like to know if anybody has had a similar experience with a higher-functioning borderline.

[wanttoknowmore]

Borderlinemag,

I had experience with high functioning pwBPD. Highly skilled professional, excellent in community service and popular with lots of people, worked hard to help poor and downtrodden. Good inplaying piano and singing. and so on.

I can not predict accurately but I have a general idea. These high functioning BPDs know the difference between a great guy and a scumbag ,though they might leave a great guy out of fear that the guy is so good that he is going to abandon her once he knows that how "lowlife" she is.

She is avoiding you as she is suffering from intense "core shame" after you caught her with the other low quality man. She feels that low quality man is less likely to abandon her and will tolerate her flaws and allow full control .

Mine used to say she would like to marry someone rich,sick but above the age of 75. (she is in early late 40s) so he wont leave her. Most likely, if she thinks of you as really good guy, there is a big chance ,at some point she would like to re-engage  you when she gets into a bad period or the new "loser"  disappoints her. Many of them, return to good, safe and familiar person after getting disappointed with the new. But,It will be on her schedule . You just have to say " if you ever need me,please don't hesitate  to call me."and leave it at that and go NC.

Once a BPD confided in me that she only goes back to an Ex if she has respect for him.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Thanks for the reply wanttoknowmore,

That really is pretty insightful for me. The last night we talked in the phone I could hear shame in her voice when I asked her when they met. So I can believe she is ashamed. That is so strange to me that she would choose a lesser guy just because she thinks I'm so good. I believe this type of guy will end up cheating on her or leaving her or worse. I'm afraid for her, but can't tell her that. Her kids were one of the central excuses she gave me for being afraid of falling even more head over heals for me, that I wouldnt want a family. Towards the end I sent her emails detailing my reasons for really wanting a family, and telling her that I respected her for giving me time to get used to her kids first. She never gave me the chance to be more with her kids but that was because she was seeing the new guy at the time. She claimed he was amazing with her kids, but thats after less than a month of dating. Either this guy is a pedophile, or he is just smart enough to know the way to her heart, and continued access to her vagina, is through her kids. She asked me not to text, email, or call her, so I'm respecting that boundary. Like Tom Petty said waiting is the hardest part, and that's where I'm going crazy in the meantime. I thought about emailing her on her birthday in about 2 months, but am afraid that if I'm in an "all-bad" area still, it will make her angry. But I guess I didn't think about that she might be ashamed that she's taken up with her usual loser type, and understands that I was a very positive influence on her life. She commented before that's one of the reasons she loved me so much, that I was so different, ambitious, and stable. I wondered why her Mom loved me so much after only meeting her twice, now I think it's because even her family saw that I'm not one of her usual dirtbags. Thanks for the insight

[wanttoknowmore]

Borderlinemag,

The fear you have is exactly the fear I have, that she might get in r/s with a dangerous person.  She is a good person but she needs a lot of attention.

Her abandonment fear may let her choose a low quality man and then, she might regret later. I am shut out and not allowed to talk,text or meet to explain this risk to her. She did think that I was very caring and loving person but she has to "move on" .This urgency to move on was baffling to me. Also, she said that she needs someone who can be with her all the time and has time to go places with her whenever she feels like traveling. She even acknoledged that she may never find a man like me.  I think keeping NC and hoping for the best is the right way.

[BorderlineMagnet]

wanttoknowmore,

My ex's fears of abandonment were all about her kids. She was so afraid that she would fall even more in love with me and I would up and leave her and her kids. She really had nothing to worry about, but I think the fear was too great. My fear, just like yours, is that the new guy is just using the kids as an in to have sex with her. After looking at his FB page, he is extremely shallow and doesn't even seem like she would really be his type. I really think he is just in it for her boobs, since she is extremely gifted there. I admit that was a reason why I fell for her, but it was just one of many reasons that made her so perfect to me. She was not so much of an attention hound which was nice, but her trigger was that I didn't call her soon enough one night, so attention did play a role at that time. Maintaining NC with her has been tough, really tough. I glance at her FB page and I feel like she is leaving breadcrumbs, such as liking a love page that talks about reuniting with loves, and waiting for loved ones. Also she changed her profile pic recently to one of her with glasses. She told me before she doesn't like the way she looks in them, but I told her once that she looks amazing in them. Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part, and honestly I have done the same thing on my page: posting likes about forgiveness, I will always love you, and updating my workout progress. I hit the gym hardcore after she left. I was already a fit, muscular guy, but I have increased that tenfold in only 12 gym days with the right diet and routine. She fawned over my body constantly, so I'm hoping in a sick way that these pix get to her.

[wanttoknowmore]

Borderlinemag,

Her bits of subtle "crumbs" towards you is because her mind is in constant state of flux. Thats how BPD mind works ... . unpredictable and ambivalent.

One possibility is that she is afraid that her new guy may not turn out as expected and she might NEED you in future. Other possibility is to let you remain in limbo until she is certain that new guy is fully hooked and willnot leave. At times, she may have moments of clarity and rational thinking and that moment she understands your value and shows interest in you.

Dear friend, it's going to be a wild ride even if she comes back... . if you choose this r/s with her, you have to be very well equipped to deal with this emotional roller coaster. This disorder is not curable. It can become manageable with  years of therapy and learning communication skills .These boards have some great tecniques such as SET ,validation etc.

[charred]

My exBPDgf is high functioning. She has a masters and some kind of doctoral degree that you have to have to be a school principal. People who know her in passing think she is wonderful, she is acting whenever she is around people... . took me a while to figure that out. Its all about how she is seen/perceived.

I first met her 30 yrs ago... . we dated about 18 months, planned on getting married and with just a curt comment that she didn't think my dad would make a good grandfather for her kids, dumped me and wouldn't speak to me again. She did take up with a neighbor, hang on him on his porch... . I was suicidal/homicidal, so I left my business, home, family, friends and went 1500 miles away, so I wouldn't kill someone (not knowing she was BPD then.) Took me a decade to get back to normal, met someone that reminded me of her (but wasn't crazy) dated and married, had a kid... . then some 27 yrs after I met her she contacted me on FB, and I didn't want to even talk to her, but she said she had to tell me the truth about why she ended it... . got me on the phone... . and hearing her voice brought it all back... . 100% of the feelings... . I was a mess... . within 4 months I was getting a divorce, thought I was finally going to be with my dreamgirl (had been with wife 22 yrs)... . and once I filed... . the hating and recycling began... . made my life hell, went on and on, until I ended it and went in therapy. (Lot of details have been posted ... . not going to repeat it all.)

You said the whole thing started with great sex... . common theme, lured me in about 8 times with my pwBPD... . but last few go rounds changed my view on that. Read another post, by a person that self reports that they are BPD... . with this;

"Back when I was sexually active (I stopped IRL 3 years ago and all together a year and a half ago) there was a long stretch of time where I thought that I loved sex and I thought I was open to it because I most certainly appeared to be drawn to it and open about it. Then, about 3 years ago, I made the ever so stupid mistake of having sex with my boss because he threatened to fire me if I didn't. It didn't last long and I stopped and quit after realizing what I'd done to myself… but even so the damage had been done and the one good thing that came out of it was: it made me realize something about what I'd been doing to myself all along… After some self confrontation it turned out that all along I had never liked sex. In the same way that I'd forced myself to do it in order to not get fired, I had previously also been forcing myself to do it in order to serve all kinds of psychological needs that had nothing to do with actually wanting actual sex.

There were all kinds of "little" signs that I'd simply ignored… like the nightmares I'd get in the early days right after sex… or like never getting actual physical pleasure out of it, feeling uncomfortable and irritated any time any partner tried to get me to physically enjoy it and not allowing it for the most part. Once when I was in a book store looking into the section that dealt with that kind of issue I was shocked at my own reaction of extreme shame when a couple walked by and saw me there… I literally had no awareness of feeling any kind of shame about it up to that point in time. Like I said, I'd always considered myself an open, "liberated" woman and then one day one partner got me close to feeling something and somehow the words "you dirty w---" came flashing through my mind out of the blue…. So you could say that all along there had been "little" signs and yet somehow I never saw them… After the incident with the ex-boss, I was finally able to look back and be aware that one of the things that had always been there was tension… and fear… and a certain sense of "I have no right". I may have been the one initiating the sex but there was always some part of me, somewhere in the back of my mind, that didn't want it and each and every time I'd tell that part to shut up and deal with it. Nowadays I've come to think of it as a form of self-sexual-abuse.

"

So... . I think the sex is meaningless acting they go through to get the companionship/validation they have to have... . but to those of us who fall for a good looking gal, who seems to think the world of us, and who also is in to porn star sex... . its a scam we want to fall for. (Why did I say porn star... . well, they get paid to fake it and make it look good for the viewers... . not to love the guys... . sound familiar?) Add to that someone that is very intelligent, like a high functioning pwBPD... . and you have a formidable bump in the road of life. My pwBPD had degrees in early childhood development... . I can guess now why that was an area of interest for her. She told me when she was getting one of the degrees she had a near nervous breakdown and saw a T, and he seemed really good at first, but turned out to be horrible (he diagnosed her BPD... . she painted him black.) Talked with her dad after 27 yrs from last time I had seen him, and he said she did have a breakdown, and was the same as she always was... . only more so... . which I now think was a warning.

Well as to coming back for you... .   be careful what you wish for. I recycled about 7 times and each time was much worse than time before... . far less sex, very little idealizing, lot of suspicion, accusations and then mostly hating. She showed up at my house uninvited twice... . on holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas day... . and I live 4 hrs drive from her... . I didn't want her in, we were broke up... . she asks if she can talk inside (first time)... . I let her in and she runs past me to bedroom stripping... . and like a guy that hadn't been getting any for a while... . I thought, whats the worst that can happen... . but my brain was off by an order of magnitude. She chased down my exwife, made sure my extended family knew and seriously jeopardized any chance I had at reconciling with the ex. She was a hater within a day... .   so it was just bad. The second time on Christmas, I said "Hell no" and she begged to use restroom, came out undressed and shot for bedroom... . I got out phone to call police and the arguing started... . she got dressed and then faked a panic attack and on and on it went for over 4 hrs... . I gave up with the same... . how bad could it be thoughts... .   and she messed up Christmas by contacting my exwife (who later in the day I was spending time with ... .   for my daughters sake)... . and the blowup ended any chance of reconciling whatsoever.

Wish that was the end of it, but 8 more months of incidents followed... . its now been nearly a year since we split, and just this week... . she contacted friends of my sister trying to get information, she texted me (on my 3rd phone number I have changed)... .   and is still stalking me.

The cure to the hurting is to see them for what they are... . manipulating disordered people, hurt, angry, and with the emotional maturity of a 3 yr old. The high functioning ones look like normal people... .   and as long as you treat them as normal folks, you get devastated.

My exBPDgf... . has had 2 divorces, 7 engagements, plus the 2 times we were together, and the 3-4 guys she went to after me ... . that were not marriages or engagements... .   that I know of. I have found out about 3 std's, and one abortion. She talks about wanting to be in a convent, about how moral and upright she is, and is very involved in her church and charities... .   if I didn't know about BPD... . I would say she was a sociopath. She seems to always be a bit phony... . except when mad, the mad is so authentically spewing vitriol mad... . as to be terrifying. When my exwife and friends and I heard about the Jodi Arias case, we all said the same thing... . my pwBPD could do that, she is just like that.

Anyway... . I am sure your high functioning pwBPD is sweetness in comparison... .   but I am in T from the PTSD, and my self esteem, and life was devasted not once, but twice by my pwBPD... . this go round I ended up getting a divorce, losing 1/2 my life savings (401k/pension)... . my daughter ... . really my family... . as I live alone and get visited now, she cost me a second job... . and a lot of my self respect. I gave her all the love I could, lots of furniture and gifts... . and have a hole in my heart to show for it. If you know your gal is the way you describe her... . respect yourself, take care of yourself, and meet someone that will return your love with love, not with an army of one.

[BorderlineMagnet]

 wanttoknowmore,

I guess I should let you know that I do have experience with BPD. I was with an extremely low-functioning one for 5 years prior to her, and was basically her caretaker. She beat me down emotionally and mentally, and when I made her leave it was all at once devastating and a relief. To this day she thinks we are going to get back together after she completes her latest rehab stint. I have told her we are friends only, and have set my boundaries, although she breaks them at any chance.

The breadcrumbs I think my higher-functioning ex could be leaving may just be all in my head. Maybe it's what I want to believe. I miss her so much that I look for any signs that she may return, such as how even though I confronted her, and exposed her to her current guy, we didn't have the kind of horrible, name calling, screaming confrontation me and the previous ex had on the regular. I was hurt and asked for answers, and the shame in her voice was evident, even though she would say "I can't waste my time talk to you about this when I should be making it right with him". Of course he was right there next to her, but even through texts right before the call she was frantic and stated she would do anything to make it work with him. That's what worries me about her reconnecting, that I may be too a far gone conclusion for her, even though I have already forgiven her in my heart, and understand her actions were caused by her disorder. My final three thoughts to her were statements of how much she meant to me, and how much I wanted a future with her, and I do believe those got through, as I heard a small sob, then she said by so sad and sheepishly. Since she was so kind to me in every way, I would be prepared to go to counseling with her. Anything to take care of and protect this person I love so much. These boards have me flip-flopping in my mind back and forth about if she will actually reconnect or not. I pray she does.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Charred,

I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences. That sounds a lot like my low-functioning ex's behavior to a tee. But I will not resume a relationship with her, and have set my boundaries firmly.

On the other hand my current high-functioning ex was nothing like her. She did idealize me telling me how hot and sexy I was all the time, asking me why I was so sweet, and she could not keep her hands off me sexually. But we did have a history of being friend's with benefits for many months before we actually started dating, then became a couple. The period when we were fwb's felt like natural bonding. We talked for hours, and enjoyed each other's company and bodies. Although I've known her 10 months, are actual relationship only lasted 2. I'm really not sure if she would have cleared up her "confusion" about us and let the new guy go at some point if I hadn't found out, but I kind of forced her hand when I dropped a dime on her to him, and she went all in with him. That's what worries me about a reconnect with her, that maybe since I found her out once, she will be too wary to try again with me. But at the same time she could have done a lot more to slam the door in my face. She just sounded flustered and ashamed on the phone with me rather than hateful and raging. I want to reconnect with her because she really did not hurt me in anyway at all during the time I've known her, other than her infidelity. She did what she did because of impulsivity, not to hurt me. And sex was a big issue with her. She brought up when was the last time we had sex, and I told her it was a week before she met her new guy, and in the middle of that week was Valentine's Day, she was having female problems so she performed acts on me, and grinded herself to orgasm. Last time I saw her I think she expected to have sex, but me being the sweet caring bf was more concerned with kissing her, holding her, and telling her how much I missed her and loved her.

I'm maintaing the NC she asked for which is tough. And I'm in constant fear this sleazy douchebag will knock her up or hurt her in the meantime. I had to stop her couple of times and put on a rubber because she would just hop on. She told me she wanted no more kids, but I'm worried her impulsivity will ruin that, and at that point I really couldn't reconnect. She made me me feel so good, and I did to her too. We were so compatible, and I miss her every day. We never fought like many non's do with their pwBPD. I wish I had a sign of hope other than perceived trail of breadcrumbs on her FB page.

[BradyK]

Hi BorderlineMagnet,

What you are going through really sounds tough. I can relate to much of it! After I split with my ex I definitely tried to follow the trail of "crumbs" for a little while, too.

Let me ask you though: are you are trying to detach from her? Are you trying to maintain NC? How does it help you to check up on her via FB?

For me, reading the online tea leaves to determine what my ex might or might not be thinking or doing or saying, etc, and also sending these online "smoke signals"  was exhausting and almost as bad as being in the drama of the relationship itself. It did me no good and I think did me harm.  And I was doing it to myself! I only really started to heal when I REALLY went NC.

Or are you trying to get back together with your ex?

[BorderlineMagnet]

wanttoknowmore,

Right now I'm maintaining NC. She asked me not to text, call, or email and I haven't. I believe that is a control issue on her part- when she's ready to talk she'll talk. She's also very indecisive so that worries me on her reconnecting. But the thing that gives me hope is that this was literally our only conflict in all the time we knew each other, be it as friends, lovers, or a couple. It really was unlike my last r/s w a pwBPD. She made me feel great, couldn't wait to see me, and I made her feel great too.

As far as the breadcrumbs go, I know I'm torturing myself for no reason. I just miss her so much, and a big part of me prays she misses me too for how special our bond was for so long. Our r/s in terms of building steam (other than the immediate sexual contact) was a slow burn where we built our feelings up naturally. So that's why I feel I'm going to be her "safe place", and her good guy. Even when she was seeing that guy she told me how lucky she was to have me in her life, and that she knew I was a really great guy. We both noticed that time always would fly by when we were together because we enjoyed each other's company so much. Checking on FB is just all I have of her right now. We don't have mutual friends, so all I can do is read the tea leaves, and hope they are in some way for me. Or they could be for him, I really don't know. He just doesn't seem like the type to give a ~ about love and romance, where she knows I'm a big softie and loved that about me. At this point I feel like I can't just detach. She means to much to me still and I pray for that reconnect from her, although it's like watching paint dry.

[charred]

I feel for you, sounds like you are hurting.

I was still in the idealization phase at 8-10 months first time around with my pwBPD. I describe her as high functioning as she is educated, holds a job, isn't cutting herself or doing anything destructive like that... . but she has anger issues ... .   with me anyway... .   all told we spent about 4 yrs together, and maybe 10 months was great... . about 6 months was like a normal comfortable r/s, rest was truly horrible.

Spent a lot of time thinking about it, and moving on is only way I can handle it. Some people go other ways, sounds like your girl didn't have the hater issues to the degree mine does.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Charred,

Thank you I am really hurting, although reminding myself that she is a high-functioning, invisible pwBPD helps to validate that she didn't do this to hurt me. It is part of her cycle of poor choices in men that she's familiar with, and that I  might have scared her into pushing me away by being everything she wanted. She's not the hyper intelligent type, which is another reason I loved her so much, she has a sweet simplicity to her, yet can talk about anything. She is definitely not a hater type, the worst thing she called me even when her new guy made her talk on the phone to me was stupid and childish for what I had done. I've heard her call people she has talked about much worse. And the stupid and childish comments were more than likely just her projecting her behavior on to me. They always wanna make you feel the way they do, and try and convince you of that. I feel she could have really slammed the door on me hard in front of that guy, but she really didn't. And he had to notice her choke-up when I left her with kind comments, and not harsh ones. Bet he's pretty insecure about it, him being not very intelligent. We have only known each other 10 months, and were a couple for 2, but it really was the best r/s I have ever been in, and I think she felt that way too. Just the crippling fear of me not being ok with her kids someday and leaving her drove her back in to this cycle of dirtbags and chaos. She did not do the intense thing with me, it was slow and steady. She must be doing it with this guy though since he considers the day they met the start of their relationship. Does not bode well for him. I bet she has not even told him she is BPD, if he would even know what that means. The fact she told me when we made it official feels to me like she gave me a subtle warning that if I hurt you please don't blame me for it. She could have not told me since she is so high-functioning.

[BradyK]

Hi again BorderlineMagnet,

I see that you do want to get back together with her. And, it sounds like you have put yourself in a sort of "limbo" while you wait for her to decide if she wants to reconnect with you or not.

I feel for you as this sounds like a very painful situation. Can it be good for you? It must be so hard.

I did this, in a way, when my ex upwBPDbf started to devalue me.  I just kind of put myself "on hold" and hoped that he would start to treat me better again, and pay more attention to me, etc. But the situation ate away at my self esteem, little by little, not so much because of what he did but because of what I allowed. I allowed him to treat me like a low priority. Like an option in his life. He didn't have to insult or rage at me for this loss of my self esteem to occur.

I hope this is not the case for you. It sounds similar. It doesn't sound right that she decides your future while you wait and hope patiently. What do you think?

[BorderlineMagnet]

BradyK,

You're right, I do feel like I'm in limbo right now, and it's very painful. I've gotten a lot better by all the reading I've done on higher-fucntioning pwBPD. It helps me a bit because I really do think she is remorseful. Even towards the end when she was very inconsistent she would say things like she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, and it's not fair to keep me on the backburner in her life. The fact that even the day before I found out her new relationship, she answered a question of do you still love me as much as before, and she answered "I do, I'm just scared that what if you decide you don't want a family, what happens then" was validity that this was about fear of abandonment rather than something I did. She was in the intense phase with her new guy at this point, back in the cycle of making poor choices in sleazy guys, so I'm not surprised she was so inconsistent. I guess I'm having such a hard time because I love her so much still, and that while I'm not in her life right now, I just really hope she will let me back in, and not be hurt by this guy. I tried to hook up with a hot friend about 2 weeks after she left, and I was powerless. I couldn't even kiss this woman, or perform because I was still paralyzed by my thoughts of how much I wanted my ex. I'm not really waiting patiently, I've just been through so much with 2 pwBPD in a row that I need time to heal myself. I'm a mess. I quit my job that I had just started because she worked their in some capacity, and I could not stop thinking about her all day (it was a poor job anyways so no big deal). I'm on Wellbutrin for my anxiety, and facing having to move back home for 3 months. I've been maintaining a strict diet, and hardcore workout routine, and have been living cleanly. Although my workout routine was restarted to make her jealous once I got even bigger than before. I do not want to break her boundary of no calls, texts, or emails, but there are days I pray I will hear from her in some capacity.