What I would love to say...

[mango_flower]

So tonight I put pen to paper and wrote out what I'd like to say to her.  I won't be sending it. But it helped me a little.

I'd love to hear what others would love to say   

P.S Mods, I'm not sure whether this is appropriate - if too emotive for the leaving board, please remove.

Dear X,

You know - I knew you weren't perfect.  But I loved you.  You treated me like a princess and that was good enough for me.  I overlooked a lot, things from your past, as I believe you shouldn't judge somebody on their past, but on their present.

I want you to know that I understand in some ways why you ran.  You got scared I was going to leave first, that I didn't love you enough.  Let there be no doubt - I adored you and worshipped the ground you walked on.  I would never have left you.  Yes, I emotionally detached a bit at the end due to your crazy mood swings and depression, as well as the constant dramas and negativity. But I overlooked so much, because I loved you.

You're with somebody else now.  I wish you could have been honest with me, as I feel I will never know the truth.  I hope she is everything you ever wanted, and in some ways I hope this works out for you, as you lost SO much the day you walked away from me.  You lost your best friend, your partner, your biggest supporter, and your rock.  I would have done anything for you. 

I will always wonder what our wedding day would have been like.  What dresses would we have worn?  What would our wedding reception have been like?  I'll never know.  You've killed my dream.  Our dream.

I wish I understood why you thought I didn't love you... .   your stupid self-sabotaging brain... .  

I wish I could be the one to wrap you up in my arms and protect you from this world. But I can't.  Only you can do that for yourself.  You won't find it in your new girlfriend - she cannot fix you.

Just so you know, when I made that commitment to marry you, and you put that ring on my finger, that was it for me.  I thought of "us" as every default option, not myself.  We were like one person in some ways. You broke my heart when you left, you didn't even give me a chance. It was all about YOU, all about keeping yourself happy.  To hell with me, even though we were supposed to be a team!

What makes me saddest is that you're not the sweet girl who was mine.  The computer geeky, hoody wearing, shy, innocent and sweet person I met.  I'm going to cherish those memories of the early days, put them in a box, and disentangle them from who you are now.  Our relationship will remain frozen in time.  Maybe that's the best way.  It ended pretty much as quickly as it began.  So at least I don't have bad memories.  I'll always treasure what we had.  I'll always think of the sunny days having a picnic in the park, drives in the summer evenings, and time spent with friends.  Amazing, picture perfect memories.

And for your information, I wanted us to be reality.  I was prepared to work for it.  It breaks my heart that you weren't - you ran as soon as we were no longer "perfect".  You're going to be very disappointed in life if you always seek perfection.

And I wasn't perfect. I'm so sorry I let you down in the fact that I wasn't perfect, but I'm real.  I would have loved you til the day we died, I would have always put you first, I would have looked after you when you were sick.  I'm so sorry that wasn't enough - and I mean that - because I wish I could have been that amazing person.  But you know what - these people don't exist.  You just think they do, until suddenly your view changes.  Even though the person was the same person they always were.

I'm sorry I cannot continue to put you first.  That's all I ever did.  I won't do it anymore.  I'm sorry I have to break this promise to you that I made, but it became null and void when you left.

I know that deep down, you're such a good person who's been battered by life. I hope you find every happiness, and fight your demons, because I know you have a beautiful soul.

I will always love you from a distance, I will always love the "you" that I met and planned to marry, and I will always wish that things could have been different.

[marbleloser]

Beautiful letter mango.I wrote one very similar and no,I didn't send it either.It helps to write these things down.Keep writing and posting.The one thing that stood out to me was this:

"I'm going to cherish those memories of the early days, put them in a box, and disentangle them from who you are now."

Actually,she's the same.You only saw a part of her that she wanted you to see.I was deeply in love with the xBPDgf that I "knew".But,the other part that I didn't know about,I never would have approved of or been able to love.

I saved this parable that was posted on this site a little over a year ago.It's very true.

The Parable of the Tree

A man lived in the Great Plains, many years ago. He had only one source of wood for all his needs: a beautiful large oak tree growing behind his cottage. Anyone passing by could see that this was truly a beautiful tree, and of course it was an oak tree so it must be strong. It would protect him from the prairie’s storms and provide shade from the sun.

This man was very happy about his tree. It was really all he had ever wanted to meet his many needs. It was large enough to provide firewood from its fallen branches, its many limbs could be cut as he needed them for building furniture. The man was very happy.

One day the man decided to make a chair, so he took his saw and went out to his tree. He climbed onto one of the lower limbs and began to saw it off. As his saw bit into the wood, the man got a funny feeling. Something just didn’t seem right. As he finished sawing the limb suddenly snapped as if it were brittle, shooting splinters into the man’s eyes. He was surprised and hurt, but he managed to clear his eyes and slid down to where the limb had dropped to the ground.

He looked at the end where he had made his cut and to his amazement he saw not the solid, gleaming bands of a healthy oak, but a pithy, brittle mass riddled with holes. The limb would not serve for furniture - no way. And the man realized that something was amiss. He began having suspicions about his beautiful tree.

The next day the man tried again, for life presses on, and he really needed a chair. So he climbed again to another limb, and began cutting. And again, just as he was about to complete his task, the limb shattered and sprayed him with sharp splinters. This time he was prepared, and managed to turn his head, but the splinters were sharp and they hurt him nonetheless. Again he climbed down, and discovered the same pithy, brittle mass.

With this the man realized that his precious tree was not well. It was diseased. It was infested with an insect, the prairie oak flea, which was known to cripple trees, but not to kill them.

As the disease progressed, the man realized that he was not getting from his tree the things he counted on for his safety and comfort. The leaves became thin and scattered, and the tree could not provide the shade that he needed from the hot sun. When storms came, instead of the sheltering buffer he had hoped for, the tree would yield its weakened limbs to the winds and they crashed down on his cottage roof. Once a limb broke right through in the midst of a storm and the man spent a cold wet night waiting for daylight so he could close the hole.

But still, the man loved his tree. It was a beautiful tree. And it was an oak. It was HIS oak. “I love my tree,” said the man. “I know it has a disease, but I love the tree nonetheless. I chose to build my home in its shelter and I am committed to staying with it.”

One day a passing wagon stopped, and the man in the wagon asked, “Why do you stay under this sick tree? It’s causing you so much pain, and there are things you need that it doesn’t give you?”

“Oh, no,” said the man. “ I love my tree. It’s the disease that I hate. The tree is still a beautiful tree, and it is my life.”

“But look,” said the man in the wagon. “Its wood is rotten. Its shade is useless. It harms you in storms when it should shelter you. And you have no furniture because its wood is brittle and pithy.”

“Oh, no,” said the man. “You must learn to separate the disease from the tree. Otherwise you’ll become embittered.”

“Well,” said the man in the wagon, “if the disease is separate, then where is the tree without the disease? I don’t see a healthy tree standing next to a disease. All I see is a pithy, bug-eaten tree that can barely stand on its own. If your tree is such a good provider, why is that you have so little, and what you have is patched and leaking?”

The man thought for a while, and then said, “You know, maybe you are right. No matter how much I say I love that tree, it will never give me the things I need from it. I guess you’re right. The TREE and the DISEASE are all the same thing. I don’t have a tree and a disease. I have a DISEASED TREE. And the longer I hang out under this tree, the longer I’m going to live without the shade and the wind shelter and the furniture that I need, and the more likely I’m going to be conked on the head by a falling limb. Maybe I need to start looking for another tree that can give me what I need... .   ”

The man thought about it, and a little later he decided to look around for another place to have his home. And the man found a spot, even better than the one he had been living in, with a healthy maple growing nearby.

He hated to think of building his home all over again, but he was, at heart, a courageous man, and he decided to try. In a few months he had a new home, shaded in the summer, shielded from the wind, safe during storms, and he was able to build beautiful furniture for his study. He lived there, mostly happily, writing to his many friends who also had problem trees.

His old tree continued to grow in its same spot, and continued dropping limbs during every storm, just as before.

by

Mason,Kreger

[Vegasskydiver]

Mango

Thank you for sharing.  Your letter was heart felt and absolutely beautiful.  I have way too much anger to write anything that nice right now about my exBPDbf... .  

You sound like a wonderful, forgiving person... .  

[ScotisGone74]

Really a touching piece of writing.  There are soo many things that I would like to say to her, but I just can't get involved ever again with any contact.  I may sit down to write a letter to her that I will just never mail-maybe I'll just sit it atop the refrigerator or drop it in the lake where went on our first date together, I hope it helped comfort you to write that letter as well as I hope it gives me a little peace also.