Coping with their love?

[XL]

This sounds odd, but I find my BPD mother's affection very difficult to deal with. I wish she didn't love me.

There's something in her brain that mixes concern with anger. The more danger you're in, the more aggressive and loud she becomes. I always felt terrified of her, rather than protected from whatever childhood danger I was facing. This lead to a lot of mixed signals and near accidents because I could never accurately process what instructions she was trying to convey through the hysteria.

She tends to love with smothering flattery, which makes me doubt she's sincere. I feel like she's trying to prove to herself she means it, or else flatter her way out of trouble. It's never just an "I love you!" it's 3 pages of "I love you sosososososososososoSO much, I'd die for you." I easily get these 3-5 time per month. I don't even read her cards anymore.

She tries to buy my love where apologies (or better yet, improved future behavior) fail to appear. This irritates me, and makes me hate everything she gives me. I had a whole box of heart necklaces that appeared after super abusive tantrums (I finally pawned a lot this year). It's like the way an abusive spouse tries to apologize with jewelry. It's creepy.

"Actions speak louder than words". She says she loves me a million times in a row, then acts irritated if I have a genuine need, a genuine life milestone, a new interest, etc. She zones out and doesn't listen if I talk about new things I'm doing.

I've always had the feeling that she needs me more than I need her. I don't like her acting like the mother, when the usual pattern is that I'm the one she runs to for financial advice, emotional support, etc. I view myself as an unpaid, unwilling therapist/emotional dumping ground, who probably had reasonable cause to break ties with her years ago, yet still deals with her out of obligation. When she tries to get all "mother knows best!" on me now, it just irritates me.

Most bonding events got ruined pretty quickly too. If she took me shoe shopping for fun, by the end of the afternoon I was spoiled brat. If she helped me get ready for prom, by the next day I was a slut/liar/my boyfriend was abusive/his parents were trash/etc.

She also hoards &/or ruins everything from my childhood with upsetting unpredictability. If it's not a dusty momento "that's the only remnant left of me" (usually things I never cared about anyway), then it's probably gleefully getting dumped in the trash, with a snide remark, without my permission (usually things I loved most as a child).

She also doesn't seem to have a consistent image of me, and talks about 'infant me' as if I were a completely different person. It's obvious she loves that person much more, and my own opinions about that person don't count, because "That's her baby!". It's like I was a doll that Adult Me stole from her, and she hates me for it. (Oh my god, the tantrum when she found out "I tattooed her precious baby." was utterly disturbing. I was the most vile thing on the planet for damaging 'her' 'baby'. It's like a split personality disorder, but with others, or something. I don't exist as single entity on a consistent timeline in her mind. I don't even know where to start with that. Ironically, I remember being irritated/terrified of her even as a toddler.

I don't think she loves me. I think she doesn't like me as an adult, and it's all a show she puts on for appearances. I wish it would stop. I'd roll over with glee if I could have 95% less affection, and an occasional lunch with a handshake, and one card a year.

This is not something I can set a boundary with, because there's nothing outwardly wrong with it, other than the history and the context. I can't explain to my friends how I can hate a cheerful greeting card so much. ":)on't love me so damn much; it's weird."

My only coping tool right now is throwing out everything she gives me, and not reading any of her cards. Sometimes I set them on the counter for a week so it seems like I looked at them to others. I feel like that's a weak tool. It upsets me.

[XL]

So I've been saying "I love you too". Sending thank you notes for the gifts, then sneaking them out in trash bags. Putting the notes up on the fridge without reading them (keep in mind I have a shared household with other family).

Is this correct? I feel pretty bad about this, pretty frequently. I don't know any other mature way to handle it, considering her limitations.

[XL]

I also don't let my partner buy me gifts. None. No ceremonies, no gifts, no cards. There's such a surplus of trinkets, fancy meals and false affection from my parent that I'm drained for events like anniversaries and valentines day. I just can't deal with more crap from the mall with hearts on it. I get mad when my female friends boast about that stuff online too. I can't see flowers on a desk without wanting to knock them over as "excess". I also 'scrub' all traces of holidays as soon as they end.

[GeekyGirl]

Do you feel like you can't accept gifts or tokens of affection because you don't feel that there's genuine sentiment behind them, or do you feel uncomfortable reciprocating? Either way, this sounds like something worth exploring.

It's ok to not want to receive cards and/or gifts that make you uncomfortable, and it sounds like your mother's letters/cards make you very uncomfortable. As you've become more and more independent and worked on yourself, you don't need your mother as much as you may have in the past. At the same time, your mother really hasn't worked on herself and hasn't developed a healthier self-esteem, so she's using the same coping tactics that she has always used.

From this post and some of your previous posts, it appears that your mother's fear of abandonment is over-the-top, and it's coming out through those letters and gifts and dependence on you. It's not fair to you for sure, but the thing is, your mother can't change on her own.

What you can do is work on your reaction. You know that gifts/flowers are a trigger for you. That's where I'd start looking for some relief. What can you do to make it easier to see posts from your friends or receive gifts from your partner? It's ok to not want to make a huge deal out of anniversaries/holidays/Valentine's Day (I'm pretty low-key about those too), but if your partner wants to show affection to you, it's probably hurtful to to be able to express that affection.

[chayka]

XL, what you say doesn't sound odd at all.

I'm almost as much afraid of my mum's expressions of 'love' as I am of her expressions of hate. I think my mum confuses love with neediness, and affection with being clingy.

It took me a long time to accept that, because of her problems, she couldn't really love me in the way that a child needs to be loved by her parents. Frequently, when she thought she was giving me love, she was actually demanding it from me, trying to fill the enormous black hole in her own heart.

As well as dealing with our mothers' behaviour in the present, we also have to mourn the love and support that was missing during childhood.

It sounds as if your mother's behaviour is very demanding and draining.

I hope that, as you keep working to understand your situation, and reading other people's experience here on the message boards, you will learn lots of ways to heal and protect yourself.   

Chayka

[XL]

Do you feel like you can't accept gifts or tokens of affection because you don't feel that there's genuine sentiment behind them, or do you feel uncomfortable reciprocating? Either way, this sounds like something worth exploring.

Like I said, gifts arrive where apologies fail. And the compulsively purchased volume of them is overwhelming. I'm constantly fighting back to reclaim my own house, own clothing, own decorations. She isn't doing it because she saw something and thought of me; she's doing it because she manically buys pretty things to cheer herself up, then needs somewhere to dump them.

As you've become more and more independent and worked on yourself, you don't need your mother as much as you may have in the past. At the same time, your mother really hasn't worked on herself and hasn't developed a healthier self-esteem, so she's using the same coping tactics that she has always used.

I never needed her. Our relationship was very antagonistic, and I always viewed her as either a jailer or a psyche patient on my annoyed periphery. I haven't had warm fuzzy mommy feelings about her since I was maybe 7, and it irritates me now when she tries to resume that role. I can't stand being "mothered". I'm tired of the creepy love letters from my mom. They make my skin crawl.

but if your partner wants to show affection to you, it's probably hurtful to to be able to express that affection.

He doesn't mind. He's really anti-shopping. I'd probably mind his attitude if it weren't for the family. It's like that whole emotional incest thing; I get flowers and jewelry from my family, way before the partner sends them. It's creepy and smothering, and there's a lack of appropriateness about who gets to celebrate which holidays. I put my foot down when family tried to buy a $600 beach getaway for our anniversary. I was finally like "we have no money, we don't celebrate our anniversary, this is emasculating to my partner, no." So in a way she's trying to buy my affection away from the partner. When I said we don't buy each other christmas gifts, she was like "that's so sad, is he abusing you, he's abusing you", and I got more gifts from her. She's trying to 'buy me away' from other people's relationships. 

I can't break that mindset that "XL will love whoever throws the most stuff down" because that's never been the case. It's a game they all play around each other, and I'm the unwilling target of it. She tries to buy her way out of disordered behavior, and the fixers try to pay me off to deal with her. Ironically, they all scold and lecture me when I buy professional tools or software. I'm a spoiled brat if I buy myself a $60 camera, then they dump a grand of unwanted trinkets on me.

The biggest tantrums come when I suggest holiday dollar limits, or leave a list of boring things I actually need.

I have anxiety about setting holiday limits. Is this something I should even attempt? Should I just shut up and keep throwing out $2k of unwanted crap to the Goodwill every year? I fantasize all year about it. I know deep down that isn't about what's on the surface; it's a red flag I'd be pulling about her compulsive shopping, and the blow-up would probably similar to a drug intervention, or one of those 'Hoarders' episodes where even the crew is baffled.

[XL]

Like all these websites with advice on dealing with inappropriate gifting don't apply to how severe this is. "Politely tell them you appreciate the gesture, but can't accept the gift." That's not going to cut it.

Suicide/arson threat when I rejected a waffle maker. That happened once.

[ScarletOlive]

XL, it can be tough when the love feels forced-like it's so far over the top or she's trying to buy your love. I hear you. It sounds very triggering for you and like it just gets on your nerves. When you get a lovey letter from her, you don't have to read it. When you get inappropriate gifts from her, maybe you can try the "this is very sweet but I can't take it" route. Instead of a thank you note, maybe you can give her a thank you call. Or if she sends lots of presents, maybe send one thank you note for the lot? What level of boundary on this would make you comfortable?

[XL]

I think I need to get the rest of the family involved in this, at least on a reasonable expectation of holidays. The compulsive shopping is the problem, and it's on a manic/addiction level, and she doesn't have the income to support it. Then she spends the rest of the year crying about money to me, and jokingly threatening to burn down my dad's house for insurance money.

It's been overlapping with basic self-care for well over a decade. She neglects medical care, household maintenance, car repairs, etc. in exchange for these massively over-the top manic holidays, and there have been glaring instances of me being the one to clean up the mess afterwards. Whatever level of gratitude I show is never enough either.

I don't want her to love me; I want her to get her ___ together. Maybe that isn't going to happen. It's probably going to get worse.

I'm just exhausted.

Though last night I had the idea of being more diligent about tax receipting these donations. I don't usually do that. Maybe my dad can make it up on the back end. I'd feel a little better about that. I don't want my own life to turn into a never ending garage sale. I have better things to do. I should dump everything on one day and send my dad the receipt.

[XL]

I also had a realization about self-worth. I've been severely scolded and degraded the few times I've treated myself to things which I consider crucial to my identity and professional goals. It's like the closer a purchase is to my own adult path to success, the more it angers everyone. The $2000 used car I bought myself. Instruments I've purchased to finish albums. Gym memberships. Stuff like that.

Those set off a torrent of abuse. It's a way of sabotaging, blocking and degrading my own life's path, and reinforcing that I'm not an adult. The gifts are elements of a personality she thinks I have/wants me to have. My real personality angers her.

That is not my problem.