Simple Math of pwBPD relationship.

[wanttoknowmore]

When a pwBPD and  Non met ,they felt very happy as pwBPD started getting her "supplies" from Non and Non started  getting his "supplies" from pwBPD. They felt like they were in wonderland of love and sharing.

Everything was going great until the infamous "Hater phase" finally arrived and pwBPD suddenly cut the supply line of Non because she thought Non soon will cut her supplies.

Non went into a tailspin and felt pain,anger,sadness and hatred as he wanted pwBPD to continue to provide him his "supplies" as before.

So, what Non is  grieving for? Does one  ever grieve loss of a nail which went inside his foot and caused him a lot of pain. He doesnot. . Right?

If pwBPD gave only pain like the nail... .   we will not be crying and whining here.

In fact,we would have felt  relief.

In fact,  pwBPD gave Non a lot of pleasure before she ,finally gave him pain. But, because Non is hurting so he can only focus on the pain pwBPD gave and conveniently forgets the pleasure she brought in his life earlier.

I suggest that we look the entire lenghth of time and ,honestly,do Math as to

how much pleasure she gave and how much pain she gave.

In my case, it comes total 75% pleasure in course of 2 years and total 25% pain in last 2 months. So, she still gave more pleasure than pain.

In this case, What is there to be angry or hateful... . ?

I can't  call her evil ,predator or vampire... .   she still,has a positive balance in favor of pleasure she brought... .   it's something to thank her for  and move forward with life. If you have a different Math formula... . please share.

Isn"t Non  grieving the loss of those "beautiful supplies/gifts" she gave him.

Remember, we only grieve what is good and valuable to us.

[BradyK]

Hi wanttoknowmore,

I relate to this question and line of thinking, and I struggled with this, too. My "calculus" was more along the lines of "this relationship was only 6 months long, and I've had longer, deeper relationships by far, and yet I did not have such a hard time getting over those relationships."

Also, like you, I said to myself: "It was mostly good, and when it got bad, I ended it. What is the big deal? Why am I still so gutted about it?"

I think for me the answer is this: I betrayed my own self in the r/s with the exBPDbf. I didn't listen to my own gut feelings, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and I tolerated way more disrespectful behavior than I should have, even though it was subtle. I tried to fool myself. I suppressed my real feelings and thoughts. This took a huge toll.

So, I grieved not only the loss of the good things in the r/s (and there were good things), and also the lost fantasy, but also the loss of my own "trustworthiness", my own friendship with myself. My r/s with myself! 

Does this make sense? I'm not sure how to say it, exactly. But I think this may be what is going on.

Fortunately, I am recovering well!

[Wooddragon]

The calculation for me isn't a simple comparison of x (good stuff) minus y (crap) because all the good stuff was made so good by the emotions I was feeling about the person providing it. I can't recall the good times now without the memory being overlaid by the taint of what was really going on in the mind of my ex & how far apart that was from my real understanding at the time.

Like Brady said - my confidence in myself is severely compromised & so the bad/cost keeps accumulating relative to the "good times". I can only hope that there is some profound long term benefit for me but at the moment it seems that the best I can hope for is to be accepting & gracious of being alone.

[PattyG]

My math was a bit different. I met her after being a single mom for 10 months. I was severely traumatized when my partner of 7yrs cheated and left me 32 weeks pregnant. I wanted a relationship with attraction. She dangled to carrot of posssibility. She loved my child wholeheartedly, I wanted that too. All I had to do is win her trust, show her I was worthy. After a year of abuse, drinking, absences, being split black over and over... .   I left. Then for SIX weeks, she was wonderful. Attentive, loving, patient... .   everything I could want. Once I let her back in and let her live with me... .   she went back to distant, etc.I clung to that 6 weeks, wanting that person back. I clung to my dream of a real relationship that never existed. I refused to look at the cost to my self esteem and my life.

[wanttoknowmore]

In fact, she was just an instrument to create the feelings in us which we had and have now.

Those feelings of love and ectasy belonged to us and these feelings of sadness and anger ,also belong to us.

She just became a medium to provoke all these feelings in us. I am convinced that she didnot

plan or premeditate to hurt us. She didnot plan to hurt us. But, we ended up getting hurt.

One good came out of this is that she made us think deeply about life, relationship, meaning and

gave us glimpse of what immense happiness or intense  pain feels like. This experience shook us to our emotional core and woke us up to think deeply and thats why we are here on these boards trying to understand some really deep  workings of our own minds.