4 year old urinating on herself while in BPDbiomom's care

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

MY SD$ came home this time talking about having a pee accident at Mom's house. She said Mom yelled at her. SD4 doesn't have accidents with us. I am worried about kiddo regressing with her BPDbiomom, or if she is too scared to say she has to pee. I am flabbergasted. Kiddo talks about BPDbiomom yelling at her and being mean.

[newlymarried]

MY SD$ came home this time talking about having a pee accident at Mom's house. She said Mom yelled at her. SD4 doesn't have accidents with us. I am worried about kiddo regressing with her BPDbiomom, or if she is too scared to say she has to pee. I am flabbergasted. Kiddo talks about BPDbiomom yelling at her and being mean.

[marbleloser]

You have to do something about this.A 4 year old shouldn't need to tell about mom yelling at her.I'm at a loss.That poor baby.

My S9 has problems because of yelling like this.I wish I had stopped it sooner.

[newlymarried]

I am at a loss. SD4 just doesn't have accidents. She hasn't has a accident like this with me in more than a year, and we were out playing and kiddo wouldn't stop to pee; so she has an accident. My response was to take her home,give her a bath and change her. Her Mom just yells at her.

[DreamGirl]

My 10 year old stepdaughter still has accidents every once in a while. I think her little bladder is the size of a pea (no pun intended).

So, newlymarried, how do you think you help SD4 in this?

Can't change mom. Can help stepdaughter.

After all you've learned, what can you do to help her?

[newlymarried]

I told her that people have accidents and it is ok. I told her that mistakes and accidents are just a part of being a person. I can't make BPDbiomom stop yelling at her.

[DreamGirl]

It's important that we foster the relationship with the other parent, even when the other parent is mentally ill. It is also important that we keep them safe when that parent struggles, but we also need to remain objective and grounded in doing that.

I wouldn't immediately jump to conclusions as to what happened, you weren't there.

It's also hard to guage "yell" and "mean" from a 4 year old perspective. If you interviewed all 5 of my kids, you'd be surprised as to what they consider those two words to be.  

newlymarried, I just feel like you are really focused on the going ons while she is in Mom's care. I know that you have reasons to be worried, and I think you should be, but it seems like every little thing mom does is being disproportionately judged. I've been on the other side of that (as recent as last night) and it's exhausting for everyone involved. All kids want in this is to be able to love both their parents - even when one of them struggles.

You've minimized the exposure/risk to every other weekend. So we're talking 4 - 6 nights a month. (14% of the child's life.)

If you want to implement parallel parenting, you have to let her be the mom she wants to be.

If she wants to feed her McDonald's and potato chips, she gets to do that.  You can feed her healthy the other 86% of the time.  

If she wants to put her in a car seat, she gets to do that - and you get to put her in a booster seat.

If her idea of potty training is to shame her, then she gets to do that. You can tell her that it's OK to have accidents.

You can tell her that sometimes adults get angry and that sometimes it won't make sense to her. You can have a safety plan in place if mom, or any other adult, ever leaves her alone again.  

You can accept that mom's parenting style is just different then yours. Most state's standards for a parent to maintain unsupervised custody visitation is set pretty low.  

I just see you come here upset after every single visit with mom and... .   wishing mom was a different kind of mom.

Most of us here, in our heart, wish that mom would be different... .   or that mom might just leave the kids with us and go figure out whatever it is that she needs to figure out.

The reality is that she's not going away. Your SD's mama is still a living, breathing, human being who is loving her daughter in whatever she knows how. My SD's Mama is doing the same. So are you. So am I. So we have to learn to adapt and make the best of it. Let them love their mama and help them manage that relationship in the way they want to.

You can't save her from her Mama who suffers from a personality disorder. You can only teach her how to live a beautiful life in spite of that fact.

-DG

[newlymarried]

I heard BPDbiomom yelling at kiddo. It wasn't my SD's subjective observation. Kiddo doesn't have accidents at school. She doesn't have them at home. My husband and I didn't bring this up, my SD4 just volunteered it after her spring break visit. SD4 told us she had a pee accident at captain felon's house and mommy yelled at her about it. There was nothing good about what my SD4 volunteered to us about her spring break visit.

[mamachelle]

Hey newlymarried,

Sorry this stuff is going on. It's not that unusual for 4 yo to have accidents. Its not unusal for kindegarteners to have accidents at recess. in fact my kids were required to have changes of clothes at school until 2nd grade. Kids get distracted and then they pee by accident.

I've now toilet trained 4 kids and working on a 5th. One of my SS now 10 did not poop on the toilet until after 5. All of the parents and extended family yelled at times. I've gotten upset with my DD when they have peed their pants. It's pretty normal and was certainly normal to get yelled at a few generations ago. I doubt BioMom has read parenting books and she's parenting in the ways she was parented.

That said, if bio mom is restricting her from peeing then a judge might look at it.

Otherwise... .  

I think it's important to start helping her cope, and listen to the story.

More important is that she was with the BF against court order.

Just keep tracking and note incidents like that.

What happened right before and right after the yelling? This is where the real story is going on. Did Sd4 say she didn't have to pee then pee just as they were going to go somewhere. Mom probably had no clothes to change her into. It's all part of a bigger picture with information that you may or may not need in your custody eval.

Be very careful how sympathetic you appear to your SD4 as she will soon pick up on your suprised and shocked looks and worry she s upsetting you. The key is to comfort her without dissing bio mom. It's those super ninja step mom tricks we all are learning. Hang in there,  

Mamachelle

[newlymarried]

I am trying my best, and i worry so much about the little one in the care of the crazy. During the mandated phone contact was when I heard mom yelling at kiddo. It makes me sad. Kiddo told us this time that she didn't want to see mommy, and she wanted to stay home and color with me and her Dad.

[mamachelle]

hey newlymarried,

I think if you start documenting what happens before, what triggers the behavior, what day, date, time, time of year... .   going back to when you first got married even... .   you will see patterns. You might be able to tease out abuse versus bad parenting versus dangerous behavior. You might... .   if you can detect a pattern... .   be able to shift something to make it easier for your SD.

For example---If the phone calls are getting chaotic, then maybe see if a time change might help. I mean if 7 pm phone calls are not working then see if your DH can gently persuade BioMom to make them 4pm for some reason like SD is really cranky at 7 so let's do it earlier... .   or whatever reason.

BioMom does not want to yell but she can't help herself. I yell a lot unfortunately, but not in phone calls with 4 year olds though. 

Yelling just makes kids shut down. They don't hear you. They yell back. It's a really ineffective means of parenting. However, most of us are guilty of it. My SIL doesn't yell at her daughter ... .   so as a result, when her near perfect D10 hears even a little bit of a raised tone she bursts into tears. My SIL seems to think she should parent like the parents on Caillou.

So, yeah, if you document this stuff it will help in the long run in trying to see what is worthy of putting before a judge and what isn't. The Legal Board is good for that analysis too. The folks there can look at a list of behaviors and incidents and help you decide what a judge might take into consideration. I still think getting a lawyer involved soon would be a good idea just so you can take some of this worry off your plate. Right now it's all on you and that is too much for any parent to deal with.

Again, your SD sounds to be becoming a resilient child and that has a lot to do with you and DH being good parents.

[newlymarried]

As soon as we can afford an attorney we will get one. I just found a father's rights web site that will help pro se fathers enforce parenting plans. With the first consequence of having to meet us halfway, BPDbiomom's interest in kiddo dropped. I believe that if there are real consequences for her regarding blowing off the parenting plan completely, she will wander away.