Is "living well" the best revenge?

[tut-uncommon]

I just want to hear everyone on this subject.

We know that many of us have to move on with our lives at some point. Sooner for some than others who are in long term type situations (kids, etc)

Is this our ultimate conclusion and [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] that we never had?

[HarmKrakow]

I just want to hear everyone on this subject.

We know that many of us have to move on with our lives at some point. Sooner for some than others who are in long term type situations (kids, etc)

Is this our ultimate conclusion and validation that we never had?

We don't have to do ~ mate I didn't mean that rude, or offensive!

What we could try(!) is process and grieve, which will allow us to move on.

And in regards of your question, is living well the best revenge. Why would we try to live as good as we can to take revenge? This leads to the thought of wanting to show them ... . that you have moved on ... . but all in all your saying is that you pursue a 'moving on' ... . STILL with your BPD. That screams out all the wrong motives and still codependent issues. Really trying a new life to just shove it back in her face means you haven't moved on yet.

[bondafc]

They don't care... . either way... .

We basically don't exist.

Out of sight, out of... .   mind?

[fakename]

Bondafc,

I don't know if that's true cause otherwise, why do they miss us?

[HarmKrakow]

Bondafc,

I don't know if that's true cause otherwise, why do they miss us?

Why do you think they miss us? Because they tell us they missed us? How about that as self preservation behavior for themselves... . we cling to much to their words... .

[nylonsquid]

Yes. But if you live well for revenge you're not living well.

[fakename]

Harnkrakow,

I say they miss us because I know she misses her family or nephews or nieces when she doesn't see then for a while. I also know she missed her ex enough to email him while se was with me. So I kinda have to believe that they miss people

[HarmKrakow]

Harnkrakow,

I say they miss us because I know she misses her family or nephews or nieces when she doesn't see then for a while. I also know she missed her ex enough to email him while se was with me. So I kinda have to believe that they miss people

You don't have to 'believe' anything.

Missing an acquaintance, family member or friend is different for a BPDer than a partner. They can have strong bond with family or someone else, as long as they are not romantically involved with them.

She can also just have emailed her ex, purely out the sake of 'having another option' open. I'm not saying these things to hurt or offend, i'm just trying to shed a different light on it.

They definitely do miss people, I doubt they miss exes though.

[fakename]

Haha. I'm not offended. I appreciate your insights and I try to get out different perspectives from others.

I still don't know if I agree though.

I can see her not missing friends unless she needs them cause that bond isn't really there, but with family or a romantic relationship there is a bond.

Which brings to mind a question of curiosity, are there any instances when a BPD will start out with someone as friends and then move into a romantic relationship or is it always straight into a relationship?

[VeryFree]

You should live well for yourself and yourself only.

Don't think about revenge. It only brings you down.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Fakename,

Me and my last expwBPD started out as friend's with benefits, and built a strong friendship bond over a 6 month period before ever getting into dating. Of course I was fulfilling her BPD sex need, we also would talk for hours about everything and anything. She's high-functioning invisible though. But now she's back into her routine of picking trashy guy out for sex, and starting a relationship with him immediately. I guess it depends what the BPD considers you- her safe place, or her usual dysfunction.

[laelle]

I just want to hear everyone on this subject.

We know that many of us have to move on with our lives at some point. Sooner for some than others who are in long term type situations (kids, etc)

Is this our ultimate conclusion and validation that we never had?

We don't have to do  mate I didn't mean that rude, or offensive!

What we could try(!) is process and grieve, which will allow us to move on.

And in regards of your question, is living well the best revenge. Why would we try to live as good as we can to take revenge? This leads to the thought of wanting to show them ... . that you have moved on ... . but all in all your saying is that you pursue a 'moving on' ... . STILL with your BPD. That screams out all the wrong motives and still codependent issues. Really trying a new life to just shove it back in her face means you haven't moved on yet.

Right on.     I agree with harm on this.  If your living your life for some sort of revenge fantasy, your not healing. 

[MindfulMan]

Insert Quote

They don't care... . either way... .

We basically don't exist.

Out of sight, out of... .   mind?

I wanted to comment on this thread. I am slowly de-enmeshing from my BPD gf. Here is the key word:  BOUNDARIES.  She just found a place to move and she's coming back to my house for a couple more weeks. I found some writings from her where she wrote that she is already designing her next relationship. And this was three months ago while she's was still living with me!

Part of me is deeply hurt - did the last 18 months mean nothing to her?  The answer is yes, but not the same way it meant to me. Most BPD's are all image. There is no core. They are constantly preparing for abandonment or will get rid of you first. They have to make us the enemy as part of the "Hater" stage. It can't be them because there is no "them". It's all image.

So she has no empathy whatsoever for the emotional drama she has put me through. She told someone she thought I was "rich" (hah!). Compared to her I am. She lives on disability and constantly talks about building her "coaching" business. 

Here are the boundaries:  DO NOT TRY AND RESCUE!  It's a bottomless pit that will swallow you and crush you.  Take care of yourself. That is the boundary. Every time you focus on her you lose your own sense of self.

This is hard. Thank you for this forum. It has kept me alive.

They are empty shells desperate to fill their need for validation. So look at it this way:  this is a serious illness. They only NEED.  They will take what they need from you until you're empty. You wouldn't get angry at someone diagnosed with a serious illness. This is the same.

Now my ex is coming back Wednesday and I know she wants nothing to do with me unless she needs something from me.  I have worked on staying grounded and giving her some constancy: you are moving on this date.  It tears my heart out but the sooner we create space the quicker we can heal. I hope this helps.

[bb12]

Indifference is the best revenge: so perfect that even we don't notice it

"Living well" with them in mind; with revenge in mind, only serves to keep them alive on an energetic level

For my money, the addressing of the issues that WE had is the best route to indifference. As a starting point, it takes the focus off them - when the r/ship was always about them and only them. For many, including myself, the recovery has still been about them... .   and "other directed". Thoughts about contact from them or a recycle attempt by them has left me in a state of 'waiting.

But when we address our own FOO and break very old patterns of thinking and behaving, then we permanently set ourselves up for a life that does not attract or tolerate BPD abuse.

And then one day, with our new sense of self love; new friends and partners; new outlook, we will be hanging the washing out and red handerchief will remind us of them - and we realise we haven't thought about them in months!

BB12

[laelle]

Indifference is the best revenge: so perfect that even we don't notice it

"Living well" with them in mind; with revenge in mind, only serves to keep them alive on an energetic level

For my money, the addressing of the issues that WE had is the best route to indifference. As a starting point, it takes the focus off them - when the r/ship was always about them and only them. For many, including myself, the recovery has still been about them... .   and "other directed". Thoughts about contact from them or a recycle attempt by them has left me in a state of 'waiting.

But when we address our own FOO and break very old patterns of thinking and behaving, then we permanently set ourselves up for a life that does not attract or tolerate BPD abuse.

And then one day, with our new sense of self love; new friends and partners; new outlook, we will be hanging the washing out and red handerchief will remind us of them - and we realise we haven't thought about them in months!

BB12

Beautifully said... .    I've never really given it such degree of thought, but I can see in my own life where the more I take care of me the more I feel worthy of taking care of me, and the less I want to waste time on a wasted effort.  Thank you for this.

[HarmKrakow]

Indifference is the best revenge: so perfect that even we don't notice it

"Living well" with them in mind; with revenge in mind, only serves to keep them alive on an energetic level

For my money, the addressing of the issues that WE had is the best route to indifference. As a starting point, it takes the focus off them - when the r/ship was always about them and only them. For many, including myself, the recovery has still been about them... .   and "other directed". Thoughts about contact from them or a recycle attempt by them has left me in a state of 'waiting.

But when we address our own FOO and break very old patterns of thinking and behaving, then we permanently set ourselves up for a life that does not attract or tolerate BPD abuse.

And then one day, with our new sense of self love; new friends and partners; new outlook, we will be hanging the washing out and red handerchief will remind us of them - and we realise we haven't thought about them in months!

BB12

Beautifully said... .    I've never really given it such degree of thought, but I can see in my own life where the more I take care of me the more I feel worthy of taking care of me, and the less I want to waste time on a wasted effort.  Thank you for this.

Hmm, I wish this was the case for me. The more I take care of myself the more I see the utter futility of life and jump deeper in a burnout.

Other than that, your quite early awake for someone in france

[TakeFlight]

Seems to have worked well for Eminem after he left KIM

[HarmKrakow]

Seems to have worked well for Eminem after he left KIM

There are always exceptions, in any field, everywhere, in every country.

[wanttoknowmore]

As long as we do things as a reaction to pwBPD or that sick r/s, we have not healed.

Even if we decide to "live well" to take the revenge from them... .   still this is a reaction towards  them. (means they still have the remote control in their hands)

When we stop reacting to them or that r/s, real healing has begun. IMHO.

[MindfulMan]

I found out my BPDgf has been telling others thatI have BOD! I read her the DBT treatment without mentioning BPD.  Now she tells everyone that it was me!  Has anyone else experienced this?  It's simply crazy. After being loving, she is now paranoid because I told her she had to be out by the end of the month. This is absolute crazy. I feel like I'm holding a mirror up to a vampire. She can't see herself and Will Not confront anything. Amazing

[VeryFree]

I found out my BPDgf has been telling others thatI have BOD! I read her the DBT treatment without mentioning BPD.  Now she tells everyone that it was me!  Has anyone else experienced this?  It's simply crazy. After being loving, she is now paranoid because I told her she had to be out by the end of the month. This is absolute crazy. I feel like I'm holding a mirror up to a vampire. She can't see herself and Will Not confront anything. Amazing

My stbx started to tell others at a certain moment that I had NPD and for all I know she still does, but she never said that face-to-face. Probably because it's adviced not to tell a NPD that he's a NPD 

I asked my T if there was thruth in her claim. He told me that probably every man has something of a N in himself, but that in my case it wasn't worse than 99% of the male population.

[HarmKrakow]

I found out my BPDgf has been telling others thatI have BOD! I read her the DBT treatment without mentioning BPD.  Now she tells everyone that it was me!  Has anyone else experienced this?  It's simply crazy. After being loving, she is now paranoid because I told her she had to be out by the end of the month. This is absolute crazy. I feel like I'm holding a mirror up to a vampire. She can't see herself and Will Not confront anything. Amazing

My stbx started to tell others at a certain moment that I had NPD and for all I know she still does, but she never said that face-to-face. Probably because it's adviced not to tell a NPD that he's a NPD 

I asked my T if there was thruth in her claim. He told me that probably every man has something of a N in himself, but that in my case it wasn't worse than 99% of the male population.

It's always likely that at the end of the r/s of a BPD/NPD you will show those traits yourself (emotionally unstable/blabla/bla) and often when you feel hurt you tell the ex, you have BPD/NPD however at that time you show the traits yourself a lot, making her say, you have it, and since you already have a low self-confidence at that point, some believe, all making it harder to detach ... . and rebuild yourself again. Crazy in all man ... . i've seen that just happen so many times here ... .

It makes complete sense btw... .

[jaird]

1. Living well as the best "revenge" has nothing to do with an ex really, or detaching. You live well for yourself. And let's face it, if your ex is anything like mine, their whole life is a series of bad decisions, so they will most likely NOT be living well. If that makes you smile, as it does me, you're just human 

2. Yes, at the end my ex tried to convince me i had NPD. I owe it to one of the moderators that pointed out being a people pleaser and a fixer is not being narcissistic. I then went on the read the definition of and traits of narcissism. As usual, my ex was wrong. She never really put any hard work into anything, so she was basically guessing what narcissism is.